How to succeed with women(2)

Women love to know you are thinking about them. When they
realize that you are, they feel romanced. They want to imagine you
are hanging around thinking about them, like they often are of you.
Even if you aren't, you need to take actions that make them think
you are. They want to know that you appreciate it when they give
their bodies to you. They want to be certain that, if they are going to
be in a relationship, you respect them. One of the main reasons
Molly was so thrilled was that she realized Simon put so much
thought into the experience and he was thinking of her while shopping
and creating the date. She felt special. In some situations it isn't
even the gift itself; it is the fact that you thought of the woman when
you weren't with her that has made her happy.

Romance is defined by the woman you are romancing. If you
buy her flowers, for instance, and she is allergic to them, that's not
romantic. Some women may think of it as romantic if you purchase
fake blood, bite her neck, and pretend you are a vampire. It is completely
subjective. You need to look to her reaction to determine if
you were successful in your romance or not.

For example, Bill dated Karen for a few weeks. They liked each
other, but didn't connect as well as either thought they could, and
the sex certainly wasn't happening. They had kissed and fooled
around a few times, but it never seemed to "click," After attending a
day-long seminar with us, Bill realized that he had failed to provide
her with any romance. He was trying to push the sex too quickly and
never put any attention into "charming her." Bill noticed that he
wasn't giving her what she really wanted: romance.

The next week, Bill set up an evening experience for Karen. He
purchased a few inexpensive, but nicely wrapped gifts, and took her
out to dinner. He did the things he thought she would like, and kept
his attention on her. He restrained himself from talking about work
and how much he looked forward to deer hunting season a few
weeks away. Immediately, they seemed to get along much better,
and had "deep" conversations. After dinner, they went to his house


182 / Chapter Six

and talked and kissed in front of his fireplace. That night, they had
sex for the first time.
Ironically, when Bill stopped focusing on his own needs, sex
just happened naturally without any pressure on his part. We propose
that sex will just seem to happen as soon as you refocus onto
the woman. Romance is the way you shift this focus.
A form of psychology called Neuro Linguistic Programming
(NLP) contends that people experience love and appreciation in different
ways. Some women feel loved when you touch, or hug them.
They connect through physical contact. Other women experience
love when you say certain things to them. Certain words and phras


es are what gives them the feeling of love. Still others feel loved only
when you buy them things, when they can see what you have purchased.


The same is true with romance. Some women feel romantic
only when you say certain things to them. They may need romantic
poetry or sweet comments in order to feel romanced. Others need
physical contact like kisses, hugs, massages, and other touch-related
experiences. Still others need presents and unusual experiences like
trips to new places.

Let's get into the specifics. What is a romantic situation? It is
one that takes her out of her day-to-day routine and into a special
world. Simon takes Molly into a new environment to achieve this.
He drives her out on country roads, into areas they rarely visit. He
also creates a mood by giving her gifts and planning experiences for
her ahead of time. Simon successfully creates this date as an "event,"

not just another night out.
You don't need to create as elaborate an outing as Simon to

have a memorable date. You could just as easily take her to a cultural
event, exotic restaurant, or even an evening of pampering at
home. The one requirement is that it is special and out of the ordi


nary.
Along the same lines, you could also look at romance as a celebration
of being together. This celebration is that you can fully be
with her, enjoying her company, and having fun in the process. If you
are not enjoying yourself and having fun, what is the point of going
out with a woman anyway? So much of our lives is spent working at
jobs. Most of us don't even like the jobs we're at. So, why not fully

A Crash Course in Romance I 183

have fun and celebrate being with her when you are together? Even

it is a one-night stand, why not play full out?

Romantic masters live life fully, knowing that magic happens
only in the present moment. They don't waste time imagining the
future or bitching about the past. Imagine how different it would be
if you interacted with women as if each interaction was a celebration.
We are not getting all mushy or new age-y on you; we are simply
proposing a way to act and interact with women that will provide
the most fun, ease, and sexually prosperous experience possible.

SECRETS OF COURTING

If you are looking for a girlfriend or a longterm relationship, to
some degree you will have to court the woman. We define courting
as a process in which your actions "prove" to a woman over time
that you want to be with her. The term itself has links to medieval
times of kings and queens, knights in shining armor defending the
court. In these times courting was a long process during which the
man, boy, or prince had to prove his worth not only to the girl or
princess, but also to her parents and others.

Fortunately, we don't have to jump through nearly as many
hoops, but these same ideas are still very much alive. Women want
you to prove to them that you are worthy of having them. Sure, this
is not the most feminist idea in the world, but after interviewing
hundreds of women for this book about what they look for in dating
partners and how they select a man, we have determined that the
medieval notion of courting remains important today.

The key to courting is to prove that you are patient. You are
demonstrating that you are dependable, honest, good, moral, and
that you have other noble qualities. In short, you are proving that
you really want her as an individual, not just a one-night stand. This
means that you consistently pursue her over time. Most women,
especially those worthy of having a long-term relationship with you,
want to know that you like them for more than just their bodies and
sex. While in a short-term relationship, sex is probably your primary
objective, in a longer-term relationship, it isn't. When you court a
woman over time you are getting to know her and creating an opening
for her to "give herself to you" over time.


184 Chapter Six

The flip side to courting is that you also get to "test her out." Is
she a bitch to you, or someone you can spend hours and hours with
without fighting? Is she complimentary towards you, or is she
demanding? If she is nasty, mean, or doesn't fit with your picture

you can stop dating her as well.
As you read this you might think it isn't right to "prove yourself
to a woman. You may think she should just take you for who
you are. Or maybe you think this idea is ridiculous and outdated.
Nothing could be further from the truth. If you are naive enough to
think that women don't still want you to court them and sweep them

off their feet, you are dead wrong, While you might get a one-night
stand without courting, it is unlikely you will get much else. We will
go much more in-depth about how to maintain a long-term relationship
in a later chapter. For now, we just want you to understand

its basic importance.

Here are a few question she will be asking herself about you.
You must get over these hurdles during the courting period.

Do I trust him?

*

How much do I trust him?

*

Does he have a violent temper?

*

Does he want a long-term relationship?
Is he just a player?


How far will he go to prove himself for me?

How demanding can I be?
Can he stand it if I withhold sex?
Would he be a good father?
Is his career going well?


* Does he have drive to succeed in the world?
Do my friends like him?
Would my parents like him?
Is he attractive?


Overcoming these hurdles takes tune. Strangely, our experience
shows that even women who say they aren't looking for a longterm
relationship usually ask themselves questions like these. It's a

A Crash Coarse in Romance I 185

fact of life that you will have to prove yourself to women you have
sex with. Romance, it turns out, is the fastest way to do this.

HOW TO WRITE A LOVE NOTE
THAT MAKES HER MELT


The historic romancer was skilled in writing love letters.
Because he rarely saw the woman before they were married, he
often had to communicate through letters. This was one of the ways
he created hot romance, and you must learn to do it, too. Most
women love letters. We have both had wonderful success using love
letters as tools for seduction and to aid the courting process. For us,
these letters have taken the form of e-mails, cards, notes, and letters.
Women love the thought and effort it takes you to write a note and
send it off to them. It can be a few stanzas of Shakespearean poetry,
or something simple like "I miss your lips touching mine." Or, "I
can't wait until our next secret outing this weekend," Or, "When we
left each other Friday night I forgot to tell you how beautiful your
eyes are." Some women can also handle the hard stuff, like "I can't
wait to get you in bed." but that's risky and to be done only after
you've been having sex with her. It's up to you.

Let's look at this from a purely economic standpoint for a second.
For $2.50 you can buy a great looking card from a specialty shop. Then,
for the price of a stamp you can send the card. These simple actions can
easily cause the woman to melt in her seat. Is it worth it, or not?

The study of romantic letters is a book in itself. What follows
are tips for writing notes. The first thing to realize is that shorter is
better. A few great lines that pack a punch are much better than
some long cheesy diatribe that offers more opportunities for the
woman to dislike the note. It is better to leave her wanting more
than to overdo it and have her confused or thinking you are lying or
manipulating her.

Here are the three elements of every successful love note:

1. Acknowledging how wonderful she is
The more specific you can compliment her the better. For
example, commenting on how her "beautiful brown eyes reflect in a


756 / Chapter Six

candlelit room" is much better than commenting on how nice her
eyes are. Here are the top few things to comment on:

Her hair
Her eyes


* How sweet she is
* How you just love to stare at her
* Her lips
* The beautiful way she moves
The things to avoid are overtly sexual things about her body.
Here's a few things to avoid commenting on:

* How great her breasts look in a white T-shirt
* How her lips would be great for oral sex
* How great her ass looks in tight jeans
* How you wonder what she'll look like in the morning
2. How great she makes you feel
Now you must talk about how wonderful she makes you feel.
Once again, say something specific. Here are a few things to comment
on:

* When we are together I lose myself
* I get that warm feeling all over when we are together
* I've never felt so comfortable with a woman before
3. You are thinking of her
The last essential component is to mention that you are think


ing about her and can't wait to see her again. Here are a few possibilities:


* I can't stop thinking about you
* I am holding my breath until I see you next
A Crash Course in Romance ( 187

# The image of you won't fade from my mind—and I never
want it to
# You are special in my life beyond words


If you must enhance the letter, go through steps one and two a
few more times. When you begin, however, we recommend you keep
the notes short and sweet. And don't forget to sign it!

DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS


We can say it a million times. Details are usually the easiest
actions to take, but the hardest to discipline yourself to do consistently.
As men, we usually don't care about the details when we go
out for a night on the town. Women are completely opposite. A good
rule of thumb is that the more time you put in, or appear to have put
in, to creating details, the better. If you remember this tip, everything
else will go much more smoothly. In a romantic situation the details
are handled. Simon, for example, had planned the outing with Molly
very carefully. He thought of everything ahead of time, from the
short cut down the hill to buying the wine for later in the night.

Another detail you must master is your appearance. As we discussed
in Chapter Three, this means you are dressed well and have
clean clothes on, smell good, and your breath is good. Further, your
car and apartment are clean and ready to go. Cleanliness is good
because it gives the woman one less thing to be distracted by. It also
shows her that you have put thought, time, and energy into creating
an event for her. One woman interviewed said, "I love going over to
my boyfriend's apartment. He always has the place clean and fresh
flowers ready for me. When I walk in I feel like he has prepared it for
royalty. I always feel so special and appreciated when I visit him."

SENSUALITY—AWAKENING HERS AND YOURS

Sensuality is another gateway to romance, one of the key spices
in your romantic recipe. Sensuality, as we define it, consists of
actions that you take to awaken her senses. You must charm her


188 I Chapter Six

mind through romantic talk and love letters. You must also turn on

her body through sensual play.

We make a distinction between sexuality and sensuality. While

they are similar, it is useful for you to understand the difference and

how women tend to experience them differently. Sexuality is the act

of sex, usually including genital contact. Sensuality refers to stimu


lation of the senses, which may not include genital contact or even

touching at all.

Women tend to be more sensual and men tend to be more sex


ual. Women can cuddle all night long and kiss in front of candles

while talking about "the relationship," Many guys are happy having

sex for a short time, finishing, and then rolling over to sleep. Total

time from start to finish—15 minutes. This is the age-old conflict

between men and women. How can you get her to have sex, when

she wants something different? The easiest solution is to do the sen


sual stuff as foreplay. After that, she will usually let you go for the

sexual stuff you want.

When you are able to awaken all of her senses at once, there is

a multiplier effect that creates a wonderful sexual mood. You are

creating an experience for her, not just a quick and dirty thing. You

are giving her what she wants, so she will give you what you want.

This is usually done by touching her through back rubs and massage,

baths, and cuddling. It can also include the other senses: seeing, hear


ing, tasting and smelling.

Calming scents

Calming scents, like sandalwood, are also good. Ask her what
her favorite scents are. Burn incense or get scented oils to fill the
room with her favorite odors. As we said, women have a much keener
sense of smell than men do. This can work to your advantage in
setting the mood. However, it can also work to your disadvantage. A
woman can smell your pit sweat and crusty underwear much better
than you can. She will also be more keenly aware of rotting food in
the fridge and moldy beer cans under the bed. Find out the scents
she enjoys and get rid of the disgusting ones to aid the seduction and

romance.

A Crash Course in Romance I

Food

Food is another sensual possibility. By feeding a woman grapes,
or another fruit, you will warm up her mouth and begin to shift her
focus onto the world of sensuality. You will open up her taste buds
and expand her erotic possibilities in the process. Chocolate is a highranking
sensuality tool. Most women love chocolate. Correction: they
don't just love chocolate—they go insane for it. The ecstatic feeling
they get from chocolate is similar to how they feel during sex. For the
right woman, a small piece of chocolate in her mouth at the right
moment will open her up for all sorts of sensual play.

Monty was setting the mood with Janet. He began by massaging
her. She quickly relaxed. He placed his hands over her eyes,
kissed her cheek, and placed a very small piece of chocolate in her
mouth. She chewed it sensually and pulled his mouth closer to hers.
They proceeded into passionate kisses and intense sexual touching.
You can do this, too.

Here's a list of the top 10 foods to use to create erotic/romantic
moods.

1. Chocolate. This includes chocolate sauce.
2. Whipped cream. The classic erotic experience is to lick it off
her breasts, or other forbidden places.
3. Blueberries
4. Grapes
5. Kiwi
6. Strawberries
7. Honey
8. Ice Cream
9. Maple Syrup
10. Jelly
An important note: fun as it is to do at the time, chocolate and
fruit should not be put into the vagina. The sugar in these foods
changes the pH of the vagina, and can cause very painful yeast infections.
It's best to keep them on other parts of the body. Take it from
us on this one.


790 / Chapter Six

Lighting

A sensual experience is greatly heightened by having appropriate
lighting. A candlelit room in the evening, or a room that has
the lights down low, will convey a softness that will create a romantic
mood. Candlelight will not only set the tone of romance, but will
look great on your skin. Just remember for a second how unrelaxing
it is to be under fluorescent lights or bright lights or your desk lamp.
When you are romancing a woman, you want her to feel comfortable,
not on the spot in a police interrogation room.

After reading about the importance of lighting, Steve put a
dimmer switch on his bedroom overhead light, which really created
a relaxing mood. But if you are going to do this, make sure the dimmer
you get has a good quality rheostat. Ask the guys at the hardware
store if it will buzz. Many dimmer switches emit a very irritating
sound. This will be counterproductive to the goals of your seduc


tion.
You could also experiment with strange lighting options, like
black light- This looks sexy on her naked body and may set the mood
for sex. It's especially wonderful for play with fluorescent body
paints. You could also try out red light, green, or even total darkness.
Another thing to play with is to have objects of different textures
for her to touch such as soft fabrics like silk or a cotton blanket.
The trick is to find things that you can rub on her body or that
she can touch with her hands that will all retain the mood of sensuality.
This includes pillows and sheets. You want to create environments
where she is pampered and totally relaxed. Pillows can help
arch her body in the exact position you want. Soft and sensual sheets
will be just one more detail that will make the night perfect.
Jeremy went to a fabric store and purchased several small samples
of soft fabrics for use on his girlfriend Wanda. He bought onefoot-
square samples. They were cheap and were great to rub on her
skin while in the bedroom. She was aroused and also found them fun
to play with.

Music

Music also helps set a romantic mood. Have you ever noticed
that, when you listen to aggressive rock music while driving down

A Crash Course in Romance I 191

the highway, you also become more intense, aggressive, and for some
reason want to just drive faster? You entrain with the music—that is,
your heartbeat tends to go at the speed of music playing around you.
A good way to create a serene, sensual place is to have soft music
playing, to get you both in the mood. Some classical music is good,
but check it out ahead of time: some start all quiet and romantic,
then gets raucous and wild just when you finally have her in the right
mood. Check out the "ambient music" of Brian Eno, Peter Gabriel's
Passion CD, Enya, and Enigma. Or, you can play any music that she
specifically mentions gets her in the mood.

Even better, you can condition a woman when you play a certain
song or CD. As we've discussed before, people can be trained to
have a particular reaction to a particular stimulus. Every psychology
major will tell you this and back it up with all sorts of research.
The upshot is, if you always play the same song in romantic
moments, the song itself will start to make her feel romantic, and
you can use this to your advantage. When you use a song or CD now
during romantic moments, it will automatically get the woman in the
mood when you play it in the future.

Talk

A woman enjoys knowing that you think that she is beautiful.
Why not tell her? Put your mouth to her ear, and whisper "you are
so beautiful." This will shift her mood, guaranteed. Why whispering
works better than yelling, we don't know, but it does. Talking and
opening up topics for discussion will also create a deeper bonding
between you. Many psychologists note that communication in relationships
is the thing that will make or break a relationship. We'll
show you in Chapter 7 how to create romantic conversations that
make her desire you.

THE TOP SEX SENSUAL
EXPERIENCES FOR WOMEN


You must learn how to be a sensualist. A sensual person loves
feeling, touch, and experiences that come through the senses. You
probably think you are a sensualist already, but you aren't. More


192 Chapter Six

than likely you are a sexualist. You love sexual experiences. You may
even think that sensual and sexual experiences are the same thing.
Trust us when we say that to women, sensuality and sexuality are
miles apart. If you want to be sexual with a woman, you must start

out by being sensual.
For a woman, "sensual" and "romantic" mean the same thing.

When you are romantic, you are paying attention to every little
detail in the environment. You make sure your clothes are clean, the
candles are lit, the wine is good, and that everything is in place.

When you are sensuous, you are paying attention to every little
detail about how something feels, tastes, looks, sounds or smells to
her or you. By paying attention to the senses, you are being romantic
on an even more internal, intimate level.

While you won't be able to do everything we list here before
the first time you have sex—most women won't let you give them a
bath, for instance, until you've been sexual already—it's important
for your seduction to start to understand the kind of experiences
that make women feel sensual and romantic, and to begin moving

toward them.
The top six sensual experiences for women are:


1. Water
Obviously, bathing with a woman is something you'll do after
you have seduced her for the first time, but it's an important sensual
experience for you to understand anyway. Women find baths
much more sensuous and attractive than men do. If you don't
believe us, ask the average guy when he last took a long, slow hot
bath. Probably not recently. Ask a woman, however (and we suggest
you do, as part of the seduction), and she'll probably get all dreamyeyed,
and tell you all about it. It's part of her sensual wiring.

While you can't bathe a woman on a first date, you sure can
talk about bathing. You can ask her if she likes baths, and what
makes up a perfect romantic bath experience for her. This will not
only get her thinking sensuous, romantic thoughts and connecting
them with you, it will also give you valuable information about
how to set up a romantic bath for her when the time inevitably

comes.

A Crash Course in Romance I 193

Women love baths, and it will be an added bonus to have candles,
flower petals, soft music, bubble bath, and wine in the bathroom.
Undress her slowly, touching all parts of her. Then, escort her
into a bath at the perfect temperature. You can then get into the tub
with her, or sit beside her, feeding her or pouring her wine. Be sure
to dry her off as she gets out. You can then lead her directly into the
bedroom, where she'll be relaxed and ready to please.

The women we interviewed while researching this book often
told us that they love to be pampered by their boyfriend, lover, or
husband. Pampering was equivalent to romance for them. When you
include small indulgences, like baths, women will feel pampered.

2. Massage
Massage is something you can do before you actually have sex
with a woman. While a long sensual bath may be more appropriate
for a woman you've dated for a while, a woman you are getting to
know is a perfect candidate for a massage. This can even work on a
first date, if you play your cards right. Massage is good because it
shows her that you enjoy her body, and can make it feel good. It also
shows that you are happy just to touch her, not just to have sex with
her. Paradoxically, it may be the most effective way to start the road
to sex.

As with anything else you do on a date, you must begin by
remembering your outcome. You are there to get her to want to
have sex with you. You are not trying to give her a Japanese acupressure
treatment, or create some other physically therapeutic
response. You'd be a fool to do any massage that causes her pain, or
exhausts her, even though such a massage-workout might be best for
her physically. The point is to relax her and build intimacy, not to fix
some physical problem she has. Make her feel good. Just have her sit
up, or better yet lay on her stomach, and gently work on her. You are
not going to grab her breasts. You are going slow.

We recommend that you get some oil and begin by getting your

hands warm, putting on music she likes, and rubbing her back gen


tly. You can trace circles or patterns on her back at first. You can

then rub her neck gently, and even stroke her hair. From there you

can keep working down to her butt. But stop. Don't go any further



194 / Chapter Six

A Crash Coarse in Romance I 195

unless you are sure she's ready to get sexual. Feeling her up with
massage may be fun, but if you move too fast you'll scare her. The
point is to have her wanting you, while you simultaneously don't

need anything from her.
After a while she can flip over on her back. At that point you
can rub her stomach and maybe touch her breasts if it seems right.
Remember, you are doing this to get her in the mood. If you touch
her in a way she doesn't like, she isn't ready for, you will probably
kill all chances of progressing any further. So, go slow with the mas


sage.

Sometimes a massage will build a wonderful feeling of anticipation.
You've got the light just right, the room is warm, the oil
smells good, and you've lit candles. She's feeling absolutely safe, and
you are making her feel better and better by touching her. As the
feeling of anticipation builds, you both know a kiss is coming, but
don't know when. If you both start feeling this, you know you are

home free.

3. Cuddling
Women love cuddling. Men don't care so much about it. While
cuddling may not be something you can do early on in a date—after
all, she hardly knows you, yet—you can bring up the fact that you
really enjoy cuddling. Don't make it a big deal just mention it in an

offhand manner.
Our student Jake gets a lot of mileage out of talking about cuddling.
When he's first dating a woman, and the conversation turns to
men and women, he'll say, "You know, there's something I don't
understand. Perhaps you can help clear it up for me. First, let me ask
you: do you like cuddling? I thought so. But it seems like lots of guys
don't like it, you know what I mean?" At this point most women tell
him about some jerk they knew who didn't like to cuddle and he
says, "Yea, that's what I don't understand. I mean, I think there's
nothing better than just holding a person that you are really feeling
intimate with, you know what I mean?" By skillfully acknowledging
that he loves cuddling, and that other men don't, he gets her to imagine
being with him sexually, and cuddling afterwards. He gets her to
think of him as sexual material.

When you have the opportunity, a great way to turn on the
romance is cuddling in front of a fire, or on the beach at night with
a blanket, or spooning in bed, or any other situation when you can
have your body pressed tightly into hers for long stretches, without
having sex. Women love this, and you can use it to your advantage.

4. Sensual food
As we said, food seems to be a romantic, sensual elixir. What's
important in sensual food is that it is enjoyable and special for her
to eat. If you happen to know she loves chocolate, for instance, you
don't simply buy her a Hershey's bar and hope she likes it; you pay
attention to details, and make it a sensuous, memorable experience,
like our student Josh did.

When Josh first talked to Ellen, he found out that she adored
chocolate. "Oh, I could never live without chocolate," she told him rapturously.
"I love the way it feels in my mouth, and the taste! Mmm."
Josh remembered this love of hers, and used it to his advantage.

On their first date he brought a chocolate bar that was the
absolute best quality chocolate he could find. He pulled it out and
said "I brought us a wonderful experience. Will you share it with
me?" Her eyes lit up, and he asked her to unwrap it. He had her talk
about everything she loved about chocolate, and slowly fed a piece
to her, and she fed him another one back. It was a very sensuous and
romantic experience. By the time they were done with the chocolate,
Josh knew that Ellen was thinking of him romantically, and had had
a wonderful, sensuous experience with him. On the next date, they
had sex, largely because he was able to demonstrate that he knew
how to be sensuous.

Not all women will be turned on by chocolate; many have other
foods that really make them the most happy. Find out what they are
for a woman and you can use that knowledge to move the seduction
forward.

5. Walking in nature at sunset
Ever read personals ads written by women? Nine out of ten
times, they mention loving sunsets, and long walks in nature.



796 7 Chapter Six

Granted, these women hardly ever actually watch sunsets, or
those Jong walks. But to females, these two things are sensual experiences
that are synonymous with romance.

Even if you aren't a lover of nature, most women are. They will
usually relax, open up to you, and "get in the mood." Nature provides
an opportunity for a woman to experience all of her senses
and sets the stage for you to put on the charm. If you live in a huge
concrete jungle of a city, this may be difficult. Even if your city has

a lake to walk around or a small nature preserve this will suffice. The
advantage to being in nature is that you can hold hands and use the
isolation to connect.

George found that taking his dates on walks in nearby nature
areas made the date much more special, more of an event. Women
expect to be taken out to dinner and to a movie. Most will think it is
special when you arrive near a lake. Besides, it makes you look like

a sensitive guy.

6. Fire
Bringing the woman of your dreams to a place with a fireplace

is the culmination of all you have learned in this section so far. When
you are in front of a fire you have the dim lights, the smell, the
ambiance, and all the makings for a hot love session.

Have you ever read one of the romance novels women love?
Read one, and you will begin to understand what women are looking
for. While men's porn magazines feature stories about hard and
rough sex, or one-night stands, romance novels concentrate most on
the foreplay, the chase, the seduction, and the romantic nights that
lead up to sex. In many of the stories the man and woman end up in
front of a blazing fire holding each other. This particular scene is
depicted in movies, art, and stories. In short, this is a great way to

create a wonderful night with a woman.
Ralph, for example, was house-sitting at a friend's house which
had a fireplace. He took advantage of the opportunity and invited
Tess over. He had purchased a nice bottle of wine and they drank
glass after glass in front of the fireplace. Ralph had, of course, lit the
thing before she arrived. They talked for a long time, and the music
in the background created a great mood. After a while Ralph sug-

A Crash Course in Romance I 197

ested he give Tess a massage. She took off her shirt and they progressed
from there.

You can have such successes as well, if you become a student of
sensuality. These ideas are only starters—there are many more ways
that sensuality with women can lead to romance and hot sex. But if
you understand the powers of water, massage, cuddling, food, walks

in nature and fire, and bring them into your dates, you'll be much

more the romantic kind of man women adore.

THE SEX KEYS TO ROMANCE

Now that you are beginning to get a feel for sensuality—no pun
intended—you are ready to start learning about romance. There are
six keys to romantic behavior with women. Here they are:

1. Romance is generous/ it's never needy
In Chapter 3 we showed you how to get over being needy by
getting the validation for your life from somewhere other than from
women. But how do you become generous? When you are being
romantic, the focus is on her, not you. You have to put out for her,
not vice-versa. This is your generosity in a dating situation.

At first it win probably be hard to put the focus on her. You
may resent having to do the up-front work for the date; you may feel
like she should be acknowledging you for taking all the risks you've
taken to flirt with her and ask her out. Get over it After you've practiced
being generous for a while, you'll find that it's more fun than
being angry. If you get resentful, remember that you are doing all
this for a reason. By being sensitive, sweet, and generous, you melt
her heart and open the road to sex. But don't worry—you are not
just a giving machine, without needs. We would never send you into
a situation to be a doormat, or be a man who gives and gives receiving
nothing in return. In later chapters we will discuss how to cut off
relationships with women who give you nothing back, and when to
do so. For now, however, you must do the up-front work. She won't
do it, and if you don't, you won't succeed.


198 I Chapter Six

Generosity is really a basic principles of being a powerful man.
Men who command respect are not needy, groveling worms. They
are men who are mature, know when to give and when to take, and
who are not looking for people, especially women they desire, to

take care of them.
One of the problems we observe in modern men is that many
are so caught up in trying to be "nice" that they don't assert themselves
in the world, or act with any "balls" whatsoever. They seem
defeated, beaten down, and have an overly intellectual approach
with women. But the opposite, the "macho jerk" approach, will also
fail. Besides being dangerous—in that you may be seen as abusive
and end up in jail—it is also wrong to dominate women and pressure
them, as macho jerks do. It is the sign of a weak man to have to force
a woman to do something, A powerful man is persuasive and romantic,
not overly forceful, and not overly nice.
If, for example, you seem needy, and try to get a woman to
"reward" you for being good to her, she will likely and reasonably
think you are a jerk who's only trying to manipulate her. If you are
generous, but not a doormat, it will make all the difference.

2. Romance is patient
When you are creating the perfect romantic situation don't
push her too hard. We all hate to be patient, but during a seduction,
it's necessary. Nothing turns women off more quickly than a guy
obviously trying to score and only hitting on her for sex. It doesn't
seem romantic at all. Impatience is especially devastating after an
evening of seduction. If you push too hard at the end of the date, she
will probably think the whole night was just a scam, a ploy to get her
to have sex with you. It will blow all the work you've put in up to
that point. The solution is to be patient and learn to go with the flow.

Jason, for example, always blows dates by being too forward and
intense with women. Instead of being patient he always goes for sex
right away when a little bit of patience would serve him much better.

On a recent date he took Catherine out to dinner and a dance
club. He immediately started "dirty dancing" with her, shoving his
pelvis into her hip. He failed to notice that she didn't like it, and kept
pulling away from him. In fact, he was hurting her by shoving him-

A Crash Course in Romance 199

self into her too hard. Later, when she seemed noticeably upset, he
learned the truth from her. "Why didn't you just tell me I was hurting
you? I didn't know any better," he said truthfully,

Jason was what we like to call a "helpless idiot." He had no idea

how to charm a woman or be seductive. He was still caught up in

being an adolescent with women. He still wanted and even expect


ed instant gratification without being sensitive or patient. We all do

stupid things, like Jason, and until we realize they don't work, will

continue to do them and continue to fail. Remember, be patient, and

initiate sex while also going at her speed.

3. Romance is truly appreciative of her
As mentioned above, the focus of romance is on her. It is your
job to romance her and give her the romantic feelings she wants.
Start by appreciating her beauty, her eyes, her intelligence, her hair,
or her apartment. You've got to understand that a woman cares
deeply about her appearance. She'll spend hours teasing her hair to
look just "right." She will put on an extra-special bra just to turn you
on, wear perfume she thinks will attract you, and wear the perfect
bracelet because it matches her shoes. If you can notice any of these
easy-to-miss details and tell her so, it will certainly impress her.

You can also show your appreciation of her by focusing on the
details in your own appearance. Even though you don't care if your
socks match, or if your gold football medallion matches your tie,
women do. Look over Chapter 3 again, and make sure you are paying
attention to the romantic details of your own look.

Master romancers like Casanova understood how to really
appreciate the beauty of a woman and make her feel like she is the
most special person in the world. You must do this as well. By appreciating
the details of her appearance, you convey to her that she is the
only one in the world you would want to be with tonight, even if that
isn't necessarily true. When she believes that you are totally focused
on her, she will be much more likely to "reward" you with sex.

4. Romance has an air of the unexpected and unreal
Alert! Alert! This is very important, and will serve you in every
step of your seduction. When we show you how to create a "seduc



200 I Chapter Six

strategy" we will rely again and again on your understanding
that romance has an air of the unexpected and unreal. Master giving
women unexpected and unreal experiences, and you can have
almost any woman you desire. Do this by creating surprises and
doing things you normally wouldn't do.

Surprises. Unexpected and unreal romantic situations often
contain wonderful surprises. We started off this chapter with the
example of Simon taking Molly out for a romantic afternoon. One
of the reasons why the afternoon went so well was because Molly
had no idea what was going to happen next. By filling the afternoon
with surprises, Simon was able to take her into another world, a
world outside of their normal, day-to-day routine.

Doing things you normally wouldn't do. One woman we
interviewed told us that "if a man can capture my imagination and
mind, he can have the rest," When you create activities that you normally
wouldn't do, you show the woman you are with that you are
fun, adventuresome, and, most important, that you are willing to go
out of your way to make her feel good. To plan a romantic night, add
the spice of the unreal and unexpected — go to a new part of town
after a movie, or to an out-of-the-way bar after a romantic walk. You
want her to feel like a queen, like a princess, like a character in a
movie. Creating an out-of-the-way, romantic event is a wonderful
way to do this.

In the morning before they both left for work, Steve told his
wife, Ruth, to be home right after work and get prepared for a wild
night. That evening, he told her that for the remainder of the night
they would pretend to be from another country. He gave them both
new names and identities. Steve became "Ricardo," a Latin lover.
Ruth became "Natasha," a Russian spy. They both dressed up in very
formal clothes and "pretended" to meet at an upscale lounge in the

downtown area.
"Ricardo" dropped "Natasha" off at the lounge. He then
entered several minutes later. He proceeded to attempt to "pick
her up." He used a fake accent and kept offering to buy her drinks.
She played "hard to get." They spent hours in this type of backand-
forth flirtatious exchange. Some other guys in the bar even hit
on "Natasha" because she looked so great. "Ricardo" had to com-

A Crash Course in Romance I 201

pete with them for her attention. It added to the sexiness of the
night. Eventually, they danced and "Ricardo" went for the kiss. "It
was so hot and sexy," Natasha said later. "My husband and I tend
to just watch TV in the evenings. Freshness and spontaneity often
seem hard to recreate. It was easy when we first started dating, but
lately it has seemed hard. When we starting using fake names and
flirting all the fun and sexual tension that was there when we met
came back. This was one of the most fun evenings we've ever had."
After a night of pretending, "Ricardo" took her home. They proceeded
to have a long night of very hot sex. By taking on false
identities, they created a very romantic, memorable, and "unreal"
evening.

5. Romance is confident
If you want to ruin a romantic moment, date, or conversation,
be a guy who has no confidence and who isn't able to be bold. The
man who has mastered romance is able to be confident in every
moment with a woman. This is not being dominating or controlling.
Rather, a man with confidence makes decisions, isn't wishy-washy, is
able to be straight with a woman about his expectations, and not be
apologetic about his sexual or other desires.

Ken, for instance, is your typical sensitive man. He rarely
makes the first move and is embarrassed when women touch him in
public. Though he is 35, his face looks like a 20-year-old. He has a
successful job and makes a decent income, but few people respect
him. Men usually think he is a wimp, with no real opinions, who is
more concerned with catering to everyone's whims than to his own
desires. When we told him about using romantic talk on a date, he
didn't think he could tell a woman anything romantic. He was concerned
that she would be offended. Needless to say, Ken had gone
for the past three years without sex. To make it worse, his last girlfriend
made him buy her presents, loan her his credit card, and even
stole money from his house. Ken was a classic sensitive new-age guy
whose inability to be confident about going for what he wanted
made him a victim of his circumstances.

Isaac, on the other hand, is confident. Though it hasn't come
naturally to him, he has learned to charm women and create roman



202 / Chapter Six

tic evenings that are very successful. Best yet, he has sex whenever

he wants.

Isaac has studied our material and learned to be confident on

dates with women. "I often feel nervous before dates and sometimes

even when I'm out with my date. I just don't let it get to me. I know

the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers, and I've memorized

them. I just keep going when I mess up and women continue to be

interested in me."

Specifically, Isaac is confident when giving a woman a card.

paying for the date, opening the door for her, making the first move,

kissing her, being decisive, and asking for follow-up dales.

You may be saying, "Wait a minute! You just told me to be

patient! Now you're telling me to be confident and bold! What's

going on here?" The truth is, you must be both patient and confi


dent. While you are waiting for her to be ready to be your lover, you

must be confident and certain that everything is okay, and that you

are fine, no matter what happens during the seduction. This confi


dence will give you the ability to be as patient as you need to be.

6. Details
We know it is totally redundant to even mention the importance
of details at this point of the game, but because men are so
resistant to integrating essentials into dates, we are mentioning it
once again. Details will make or break the date. Use "take care of
the details" as your mantra when setting up all dates.

TALK THE TALK

You can probably remember what it felt like the first time you
really "got it" that someone loved you, can't you? And perhaps you
can remember what it felt like the best time you experienced "love
at first sight." And when you think about one of the best times
you've ever had with a woman, what do you feel?

Sometimes you just feel connected to someone. Have you ever
felt an overwhelming trust, even though you may not know why you
felt it? Like when you met someone, it just seemed like you were

A Crash Course in Romance / 203

connected, like you had known each other forever. Do you know
what we mean?
Most people will have emotional reactions to the preceding
two paragraphs. That's what makes those paragraphs examples of
romantic talk. Questions and descriptions of romantic feelings will
usually create those feelings in the person you are listening to. This
is why you must talk the talk of romance.
As we've said before, when you describe a feeling, the person
listening will automatically remember times when he or she felt
the same way. So, for example, if you ask a woman what was the
first time that she felt totally swept off her feet and completely
enthralled with a man, she will automatically remember that experience.
She will begin to re-experience that feeling in the moment.
This is a very useful tool in creating romance. By spending a little
time before the date, you can memorize many romantic questions
that will help to create a state of mind in the woman. You can
also discuss romantic topics with her and get the same results.
Here are a few examples of romantic questions you can ask a
woman:

* What is it like when you feel totally happy and carefree?
* Imagine that you have a week of vacation with the man of
your dreams. What would you do next?
* What was the most romantic evening of your life?
* What was the most romantic movie you've ever seen?
* Which actor do you find most attractive and why?
* What does it feel like when you are in love?
* How do you know you are in love?
* What is your favorite thing about kissing?
* Who was your best boyfriend and why?
* Describe your favorite princess story.
* What did you think romance was like when you were a little
girl?
Asking these questions will put her in a more romantic mood,
We'll go into more detail about this in the next chapter.


204 Chapter Six

Be warned, however: not only positive feelings can be created
this way. We could get you in the mood to be scared and edgy if we
asked you to recall a time when you felt threatened by another man.
"What was it like?" we might ask. "Tell us all the details. What were
you thinking and feeling? Did you have adrenaline pumping
through your veins? How did that feel? Was the guy big or small?
What did he look like? Did he have a weapon? Did you feel victimized?"
Can you notice as you read this how we could psyche you up
to feel scared? This is the mistake you make with women when you
get into conversations about violence against women, war, and rape.
When you do this, she starts imagining all that violence happening
to her. Don't allow the discussion to get into descriptions of violence
and horror, or you will destroy the romantic mood entirely.

This may seem like complicated stuff, but let's look at your
competition. The average guy is nowhere near understanding these
ideas. He treats women as he would treat really sexy men, doesn't
create special occasions for them, doesn't treat them as if they are
special, rarely compliments them, and is either needy or a bully to
them. He's completely non-sensual, and is resentful that he has to
put the focus on the woman if he wants to get sex. He is as likely to
describe something violent, and make women feel scared, as he is to
accidentally say something romantic. Heck, women tell us that most
men don't know enough to bathe before dates, much less write
romantic love notes. If you avoid the common mistakes, and even do
half of the romantic things we recommend in this chapter, you'll
leave women desiring you and panting for more.

chapter seven...
The
Priming Date

Wendy worked at Bruce's health club. While she wasn't glamorous,
she was fit, with a small, tight body. After flirting with her a
few times, Bruce realized that she was an intellectual. She was reading
a book almost every time he saw her, and told him she was working
on her Ph.D. in zoology. She seemed cute and sweet. He found
her attractive and asked her out for coffee. She said yes, and they
arranged to meet at a coffee shop near the health club at 4:00 the
next Tuesday. "I'll only have about an hour," Bruce told her, "but
that should be enough time for us to explore each other a little bit."

Bruce asked Wendy on what we call a priming date (though of
course, he would never call it that to her). The purpose of a priming
date is to meet with a woman for just long enough to create a
romantic connection with her, to get her thinking about you in a
romantic way, and to find out the best way to sweep her off her feet
on the seduction date. The priming date also gives you an opportunity
to decide if this really is a woman you want to pursue. It's cheap,
and being only a coffee date, most women will feel more comfortable
than a big dinner-and-a-movie extravaganza.

It's usually wrong to ask a woman out for a big dinner-and-amovie
extravaganza for your first date because you won't be ready.
You won't know enough about her requirements in a man to


206 / Chapter Seven

arrange an efficient seduction, and thus you will be more likely to
make devastating mistakes with her. If you ask her out for an
evening event first, she's more likely to be put off by the intensity
and intimacy of such a first date. You appear more calm and less desperate
when you ask a woman out for coffee, rather than for an
entire evening. You are telling her you want to see her, but aren't
needy and trying to rush things. This lets a woman know that you
have a life outside of seeing her. which is very important, especially
with very attractive women.

On a priming date, you are priming her for your seduction. It's
like preparing a camp stove before lighting it; done properly, you
only need a few simple moves to create quite a hot little fire.
Without proper preparation, you are always working too hard to get
what you want to happen. With priming, you leave the first interaction
ready to go.

THE THREE ELEMENTS OF A PRIMING DATE

1. The priming date is short
When you are seducing a woman, you want to spend as little
time with her as possible before having sex because the less time
you spend with her, the less time you have to make a mistake fatal
to the seduction. You want to take as much time as necessary, but
not an instant more. Every unnecessary interaction is just another
opportunity to bungle it up.

Before the date, a woman is looking for reasons to get rid of
you. Earlier we talked about how, when a woman dates someone,
her orderly existence becomes shaken up. All of us resist change,
even change that would make us happy. In some corner of her mind,
the woman you are interested in is looking for some justification to
get you out of her life. The more time you give her to find one, the
more likely she is to do just that.

Once a woman has had sex with you, the rules change. Now
instead of trying to justify getting rid of you, she's trying to justify
why you were worth having sex with in the first place. Instead of
being on the hunt for your bad points, she's more likely to be on the
lookout for the good. If you spend lots and lots of time with her


The Priming Date / 207

before sex, you spend too much time on the wrong side of the equation.
Priming dates, while important, must be short.

When Bob went out with Marcella for the first time, he disobeyed
this rule. He had told her that the date would last no longer
than an hour. He met her for coffee. Things went so well he figured
he would stretch the date out even longer. Eventually Marcella had
her fill of him, and suggested that it was time for her to leave. "Oh,
do you have to? Gee, when can we go out again?," Bob found himself
whining. He had put himself into a powerless, one-down position,
and, as a result, looked like a jerk.

When Bruce met Wendy for coffee, he knew that if things went
well, that that was an even better reason to keep the date short.
"Well, I really have to go," he said after 30 minutes. Wendy looked
sad that he was leaving, because she was having such a good time.
He left her wanting more rather than satisfying, or even overdoing,
her interest in him. As a result, she was very receptive to his idea
that they go out again.

We suggest a priming date be 30 minutes to 75 minutes long,
and no longer. If you are having such a great time together, that's
wonderful. Leave before you blow it, and invest her enjoyment of
you into your seduction date.

2, The priming date takes place in coffee shops

or another quiet public place

Having the priming date in a public place, like a coffee shop,
helps her feel safe and unpressured. After all, she reasons, what can
you do to her in a coffee shop? Contrast this to a first date where
you invite the woman over for dinner at your house. That is a scary
first date for most women. Many will find a reason to back out at the
last moment. A coffee date, on the other hand, is in full view of
everybody, so she knows she will be physically safe.

You want to choose a place that isn't too noisy, and where you
won't run into your friends or hers. If you know that a certain coffee
shop is a hang-out for her and her friends, suggest a different one.
You don't want her distracted, or showing off for her friends.

You shouldn't choose a restaurant. You want her to be focused

you, not her food. If you invite her out for a meal, she is more


208 / Chapter Seven

likely to see you as just a dinner companion or, worse, a ticket to a
free meal. You don't want her to be distracted by the waiter or by
the taste of her food. You want the focus to be on you and the
romantic possibilities between the two of you. Besides, a restaurant
date will take longer, start to finish, and is more of an emotional

commitment for her than a coffee date is.
When you ask her out, you must have a place in mind. Be sure
the location of that place is clear. One student, Larry, asked a
woman to meet him at "The Cafe Espresso on Main Street," not
realizing that there were actually two franchises of that cafe on
opposite ends of the street. His date went to one, and he went to the
other, and they never did meet up. Be clear where the date is, and be
able to give her simple directions if she needs them.

3. The priming date is not a time to socialize
By "socialize" we mean "hang out and talk without a purpose."
That is the last thing you want to be doing before you've had sex
with her. Hanging out and talking without a purpose is something
you do with your male friends. With a woman, you must remember
that dating and friendship are completely different, and cancel each
other out. You can't serve both masters. You can only do one or the
other. It's like drinking and driving; you either get to drink, or you

get to drive. You can't do both. You must decide whether a woman
is going to be a friend or a potential lover, and stick with it. Just
hanging out and talking without an outcome in mind will default

you into "friend" mode every time.
Your purpose for the priming date is to charm her, and to get
her ready for the next level of your seduction. This chapter discusses
exactly how you go about accomplishing these noble goals.


BEFORE THE PRIMING DATE

As you are well aware by now, you must do much of the work
of the date before the date actually begins. In this way, dating a
woman is like painting a house. When you think about painting, you
probably imagine using a brush or roller or sprayer, slowly and
methodically covering the surface of the building with paint.

The Priming Date / 209

If you've done much painting, you know that the actual paint


ing is only the most glamorous part of the project. In advance you

have to prepare the surface, which can take a lot longer than the

painting itself does. You have to get off the old paint, layer by layer.
You spend days scraping, or slopping on paint-removing chemicals.
You have to make sure the wood itself is sound, and if it isn't, you
have to repair or replace it. Only once you have everything set up
properly does the painting go easily and smoothly. Even then, you
have to put on a priming coat before you put on the color you really
want. If you refuse or forget to do the pre-work, your painting
experience will be a disaster.

Likewise, when you think about dating a woman, your mind
probably tends to jump right to the actual date itself. After you've
practiced our techniques, however, you'll understand that the date
itself is only the most glamorous part of the project. Just as you must
prepare the surface before you paint, you must prepare for the date
before you go on it. The downside is, this takes some time and energy.
The upside is, if you do it properly, it will make the date a thousand
times more successful.

Here's what you must do to prepare yourself for a priming
date:

Think about what kind of woman she might be

You probably know her well enough to make some guesses
about the kind of woman she is. Is she an intellectual, a party girl, an
artist, a plain Jane, a shy fawn, an overworked mom, a rebel, or
another type we've left out? Making these judgments beforehand
will help you in your preparations. If the woman is an intellectual,
you know you'll want to prepare to be smart and funny. It might
make sense to bring along some intelligent book you are reading, so
she can see and comment on it. If she is more of a rebel, it might be
appropriate to bring forth the more trouble-making part of yourself.
This would be a time to wear your leather jacket and dark glasses. If
she's an artist type, you might want to be reading a magazine on performance
art when she comes in. This isn't to say that you should
invent parts of yourself that don't really exist. That would be too
much work, and wouldn't work well, anyway. What you should do is



270 / Chapter Seven

take dating these different types of women as opportunities to bring
out and explore the different sides of yourself. This will make the
date more fun for you, and make you more successful with your

prospect.

Set up the date at a time and place that

truly work for you

Remember, she may well not show up (more on handling this

later). If you inconvenience yourself terribly to get there, and she

blows you off, you're going to feel pretty stupid.

This is actually pretty simple to do. Simply make sure that

the date works for you, and don't agree to anything that doesn't.

This doesn't mean that you become unwilling or intractable; any

coffee date with a woman is going to be less convenient than sit


ting at home. But canceling an important meeting or driving two

hours for a date with a woman who may not show up is simply

unacceptable,

Know what you will do if she doesn't show up

Bring some work to do, or a great book to read. Be ready to
flirt with the other women at the coffee shop. Never, ever, let yourself
get into a situation where you are sitting waiting for a woman to
show up with nothing to do. It's humiliating and it makes you resentful.
Your attitude should be that you are just as happy being there
alone as you are with her showing up. Bringing things to do that will
satisfy you is the best way to do this.

Remember your outcome

Before you go on the priming date, it's critical that you get
clear about what you want your outcome to be. Do you want her to
feel attracted to you, interested, aroused? Make sure you know how
you want her to feel at the end of the date, so you'll have a target to
shoot for, and a standard against which to measure possible topics of

conversation.

The Priming Date / 211

Create a list of romantic and sensual questions
you can ask her


We talked about the importance of romantic questions while
flirting with a woman. Those questions are also important on the
priming date. Remember, asking the proper romantic questions is
one of the fastest ways to achieve your goal of getting her thinking
romantically about you. This isn't just "making conversation." This is
where the rubber hits the road.

Most romantic questions have three parts:

1. The excuse,
2. The description,
3. The question.
While this isn't always true, and the three parts aren't always in
this order, if you follow this pattern, you'll be easily able to create
romantic questions which will get women talking about romance.

The excuse is the part where you briefly explain why you are
about to ask the question. The excuse is something like "A friend of
mine and I were talking about this, and I wonder about your opinion
on it..." or "I saw a TV show last night that got me thinking
about the idea of attraction..." or "I've been having a lot of fun lately
asking people this question about romance..."

The second part is the description. Before asking the romantic
question, briefly describe the feeling you want her to experience.
This might be "It was so romantic, the way they felt drawn together,
the chemistry slowly building until they had that romantic, passionate
first kiss." It might be "your heart just opened up, and you could
feel your defenses dropping for that incredible man."

The third part is the question itself. It is "what was your first
kiss like?" or "what's the most romantic thing you ever experienced?"
Put it all together, and it looks like this:

* "You know, I saw a TV show last night where these two
teenagers fell in love and were having their first kiss. It was so
romantic, the way they felt drawn together, the chemistry

'


272 / Chapter Seven

slowly building until they had that romantic, passionate first

kiss. It got me thinking,.. I'd be curious what was your first

kiss like?"

* "Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Everything
seemed so fresh and new and amazing, remember? It was like
that first time when you really understand that someone really
likes you, just the way you are. If you don't mind me asking,
what was that like for you?"
* "My friend Mary was just telling me about the most romantic
date she was ever on. It was amazing. Imagine this: you are
out with a man you really like and find really attractive. You
are sitting in this gorgeous outdoor restaurant, overlooking a
lake. The autumn colors are just perfect. The air is fresh and
smells so great, you feel like you don't even need to eat, just
sit there and breathe that sweet air. Anyway, that's how she
put it. And you have this incredible date as the sun goes down
over the water, the stars come out and then the moon rises,
and the two of you feel so connected, so in love, you know
what I mean? What would you say is your most romantic
moment ever?"

* "I was having this discussion with my friend, and I wonder
what you think. Do you believe in love at first sight? Where
you see someone and you just feel that 'click; and it's like,
even though you are meeting for the first time, you feel like
you've known him forever? Or does that feeling of attraction
just build inside of you, slowly? Have either of these ever
happened to you?"

* "Do you believe in destiny, like certain things or relationships
are predestined to happen? I am sure you know the feeling
when you see someone and you just feel that 'click,' and even
though you are meeting for the first time, you feel like you've
known him forever? Has that ever happened to you?"
* "My friend Suzy is falling in love. It's so fun to watch. She was
telling me about meeting this man and feeling like she'd
known him all her life. Like she felt like 'Oh, it's you,' even
though they had just met. Have you ever met someone and
just felt like you'd known him forever?"

* "I've been thinking how great it would be to take a vacation,
and asking people what they've done that they really loved.
The Priming Date I 213

It's been fascinating to hear about people's ideal vacation

experiences. What's your absolute fantasy vacation?"

* "You know, it's interesting how different people feel special in
different ways. I mean, it's like each person has his or her own
code for feeling special, connected, and really loved. I'm curious;
how do you know when a man really appreciates you?"
If these questions seem too personal, you can always ask questions
about women, rather than about her. She'll tell you the same
kind of answer, either way. For instance, instead of asking "how do
you know when a man really appreciates you?" you can ask "how
does a woman know when a man really appreciates her?" The
answer will be the same.

Men tend to think the mood has to be right to ask questions
like these. It's a tricky issue, because the mood that is right for these
questions is created by questions precisely like these. By asking
these and similar questions, you help build the romantic mood that
makes this kind of talk appropriate. You've just gotta jump in and
start asking them.

Also, don't be afraid to memorize these questions word for
word, exactly the way we've said them here. There's a huge difference
between asking about a first kiss the way we put it here and
saying, "Hey, what was your first kiss like?" with no excuse or
description.

You also won't want to fire these questions off in a row. It'll
sound odd. You're not interrogating her. If you do ask a romantic
question, and then want to ask another one later, you can simply say
"I don't know why my mind seems so fixated on romance. Has that
ever happened to you? Anyway, for some reason I'm wondering..,"
Be subtle and stay on task with these questions and it will greatly
speed up the seduction process.

Learn from what she tells you

What she reveals about herself in these romantic conversations
will be the base for the seduction date you will design for her later.
If she tells you that her most romantic experience was when a man
cooked for her, you'll want to make dinner for her next time. If she
tells you she loves romantic walks, you'll want to set one up, com



214 / Chapter Se

plete with blankets and wine and cheese. Remember, you aren't just

making random conversation. You have a job to do. The beauty of

romantic questions is that they not only put her into a romantic

mood, but give you the data you need to get her clothes off as effi


ciently as possible. Pay attention to what she says. Excuse yourself to

the bathroom to take notes if it'll help you remember. Definitely

take notes right after the date, while it's still fresh in your mind.

Have answers to those romantic questions prepared

As you ask your romantic questions, you'll find that, aside from

answering them, your date will often also ask them back to you. Very

young, attractive women will often go an entire date without asking

you anything about yourself. This is just as well. The less she learns

about you, the less she can learn that will make her decide that she

shouldn't date you. Much of the time, though, she will ask you

romantic questions back. She'll give you an answer, and then say "I

don't know. What was your most romantic moment?"

The common mistake in this situation is to tell her about your

most romantic moment as you experienced it. This is all well and

good, but it doesn't necessarily forward the seduction. If you want to

move forward, you must answer this question by describing your

romantic experience, or a generic romantic experience, from her

point of view. This gives you another opportunity to describe roman


tic feelings of attraction to her, and gets her even more into thinking

about romance with you.

Here's how you do it. Suppose you asked your date "What's it

like when you feel really special and appreciated?" She answers, and

finishes up with, "Well, I guess that was it. What's it like when you

feel special and appreciated?" Follow these guidelines, and you'll be

golden:

Answer the question from her point of view. The way you do
this is to say, "You know what it's like when you...?" You'd answer
"It's great when I feel special and appreciated. You know what it's
like when you feel like someone is seeing you as you really are. That
person cares deeply about you and just thinks you are really great?"
It's also useful to describe those feelings in the present tense. This
makes it easier for her to have those feelings now, rather than sim-

The Priming Date 215

— imagine having had them, once upon a time. Say "It's like you
an let go and be romantic," rather than, "It's like you felt you could
let go and be romantic," Both will work, but using the present tense
works better.

Describe the feeling you want her to have. Now describe the
feelings you want her to have, from her,point of view. You might say

, like you feel as though you are melting, it's so great. You feel so

It's
onnected, so much immediate trust, it's like you've known each
other for years. Those are the most romantic moments for me."

Be general in what you reveal. If you describe a specific experience,
do not describe the woman you were with, or how crazy you
were about her. This will only put off your current date. Say "It was
an incredible evening. You can imagine what it was like: walking
under the open stars, the air, the perfect temperature, the smell of
flowers. Then later, great wine and candlelight. Just perfect, you
know?" Don't say "I was with Jessica. What a woman! She was so
awesome, and an amazing body! The best time was when she'd go
down on me for hours at a time!" This will annihilate your current
seduction. Keep your descriptions general so that your date can feel
included.

Turn romantic questions into romantic conversations

The seduction date focuses on creating experiences to make a
woman feel sexual and romantic towards you. The priming date
focuses on creating conversations that give her those feelings. If you
want her to feel romantically attracted and strangely fascinated,
you'll have to design conversations about those topics. You turn
your romantic questions into romantic conversations by asking
conversation-extending questions. For instance, if you ask a woman,
"What was the most romantic experience you ever had?" she may
tell you "It was at a restaurant in Italy. It was a perfect night, that's
for sure," Don't let her stop there! Even though she's answered your
question, you want her to elaborate, for two reasons. First, you want
her to talk about her romantic experience so she'll remember how it
felt, and start feeling that feeling now, with you. By explaining the
memory, part of her will go back to that experience and begin to


276 / Chapter Seven

relive it. Second, you want to get data to use on the seduction date.

If she's willing to tell you what worked on her before, you bet you

want to listen! Here's a list of conversation-extending questions you

can ask to keep romantic conversations going:

"Wow. What was it about that that made you feel best?"

"I am very impressed. Will you tell me more of the details?"

"Fascinating. Tell me more about [some part of the experi


ence."
"How did that make you feel?"
"That's amazing. Have you felt that way since?"


The three steps to practicing talking on the date

When faced off with a real live woman, you might be nervous.

So it makes sense to practice whatever you can beforehand, so that

it's easier to do. For this reason, we suggest you practice your roman


tic questions and answers out loud before the date. We know it

sounds silly, but it can really make a difference in how well you lead

the conversation when it really counts. By practicing you win get

used to saying romantic things and begin to relax and speak with an

easier flow. Use the following three steps of practice, and the roman


tic questions will melt any woman in sight.

First, practice the questions, as they are written above, out loud

until you think you can say at least a few of them by heart. Second,

imagine her responses, and practice saying the conversation-extend


ing questions out loud as well. Third, practice answering all your
romantic questions, in case she asks them back to you.

Get yourself psyched up

Use the techniques we described in Chapter 3 to get yourself
ready for the date.

Prepare for success

Our students are often caught by surprise when these techniques
work. At the end of his priming date with Jeanette, Morris
went for the first kiss (as we'll show you how to do), and succeeded.
"I was shocked, as I was kissing her," he told us. "I couldn't believe

The Priming Date / 217

enthusiastic her response was. I found myself walking away

fter the kiss, dumbfounded. I didn't realize 'til later that I could
have kissed her more, and perhaps even gone somewhere and had
sex with her right then!"

You prepare for success by being ready to have the outcome

you ultimately want happen much faster than you anticipate. Have
condom along, and have an idea of where you could go to have sex
it turns out she is ready. If she really responds to your first kiss, go

or more. You don't want to be kicking yourself later, like Morris
as, for walking away from a primed and ready woman.

BEFORE THE PRIMING DATE CHECKLIST

* Bathe
* Smell good
* Shave
* Brush teeth
* Look in mirror at general appearance
* Hair looks good
* Clothes look good on your body, are cleaned, ironed if needed,
not stained or dirty
* Have things to do while you wait for her
* Have a watch with you
* Have prepared at least three romantic questions/conversations
* Be psyched up
* Have car clean
* Plan to stay only 30-75 minutes
* Have money
* Have your outcomes clearly in mind
* Have a place to go if she wants sex
* Have condoms
* Have practiced romantic questions/conversations out loud
* Leave home on time to arrive early
* Have a plan for what you would like to do on a next date

218 / Chapter Seven

USE YOUR BODY TO CONVEY THAT YOU HAVE
VITALITY AND GENERATIVITY


Before you go to meet her, it's worth looking once again at that

slippery beast called attitude. AH the tools, skills, practices and

checklists in this book are designed to give you a sense that you

know what you are doing, which will help you have that confident

attitude women respond to so well. But remember, what skill and

"attitude" really convey is vitality and generativity. If you are a vital,

fully alive, creative beast of a man, woman will desire you, and want

to have sex with you. As you are carrying out the technology in this

book, it's critical that you do it with a vital and energetic flair.

When you are feeling vital, powerful and alive, you move your
body differently than you do when you are feeling depressed, unhappy,
and hopeless. By changing the way you use your body, you can alter
how you feel, and thus how other people relate to you. Remember, the
woman is looking to you for certainty that the date is going well. If you
look to her for that, you are doomed. By using your body, you can create
that certain, powerful feeling that will help her feel safe.

Try this now: as you are reading this, move your body so you
are sitting as though you are reading the most fascinating, exciting
thing you've ever read. You may find you lean forward, and that
your expression changes. Now sit as though you are an incredibly
together, attractive, powerful masculine man who is on fire about his
life. Breathe that way. Actually do it! This is the kind of posture you
want to have when you are on the priming date. You don't have to
start out feeling powerful and certain to do this. You can create the
feeling any time you want by using your body.

If you do this, and don't rely on her for validation that the date
is going well, you will have presence and charisma that she will
notice. You will have that mysterious thing called "attitude." Add to
this your romantic questions and conversations, and she'll be desiring
you before the date is over.

ON THE DATE

Okay. You've done all the pre-work. You asked her out, set the
time and place that was convenient for you, and committed your-

The Priming Date / 219

self to not more than about an hour of your time. You've prepared
and practiced your romantic questions and conversations. You are
absolutely crystal clear about what your outcomes are. You've psyched
yourself up, and are using your body to convey your vitality
and generativity. To return to our painting metaphor, you've prepared
the surface, and you are ready to paint!

Men often ask us if they should be late for the priming date.
After all, they reason, if you make her wait, you'll have power over
her, and won't be in one-down position. There are several flaws in
this way of thinking. First, she will almost certainly be later than you.
If you get into a little competition to see who can be latest, she will
probably win. Second, if you arrive late and apologize, you don't
appear especially powerful; you just look as if you have no control
over your life. If you arrive late and don't apologize, it's even worse,
In that case, you just look like a jerk.

We recommend that you arrive early, with something to do.
When she arrives you are so involved in what you are doing, you
may not even notice her until she arrives at your table. This shows
that you are just as happy being there alone as you are being with
her. As women routinely miss priming dates, it makes sense to be
enjoying yourself anyway.

YOUR PRIMING DATE TO-DO LIST

As the priming date proceeds, you'll want to do things that convey
your romantic interest, and which pique hers. Every moment of
the priming date won't be taken up with romantic talk. For most
women, that would appear strange. It's perfectly acceptable to ask
her about her job, family, and so forth. At some point in the conversation,
though, you are going to want to take a deep breath, get into
a physical position of confidence, and do the following things:

Touch her at least five times

Touching a woman casually and nonintrusively establishes a
precedent that will help you touch her more intimately later. It gets
her used to accepting your touch, and even shows her that it can feel
good.


220 / Chapter Seven

These touches are quick, gentle, and over with before she has a

chance to get uncomfortable. You may touch her arm for a moment

when talking, to emphasize a particular point, or touch her back

while directing her to your table.
Sometimes men get flustered, and find they have forgotten
how to do this simple thing. It's easy; as you gesture with your body,
there are times when your hands are far from your body. Those are
the moments to push one hand a bit farther, and to touch her.

Touch her hand at least once

This touch is a bit more intimate, a bit more intrusive. You simply
put your hand on hers for a moment to emphasize some point
you are making, look into her eyes, then take it away.

Look into her eyes "too long"

This creates a moment of intimacy that shows her your romantic
interest. You should look into her eyes when you are talking to
her, at least from time to time. It's not a staring contest, and hard,
long stares are commonly considered aggressive. But even if you are
in the habit of never looking into a woman's eyes when you interact
with her, you should at least do it occasionally. It shows her you
aren't scared and, if you do it in a relaxed manner, shows her you are
willing to be open and honest with her.

Once during the date, you should establish eye contact, and

hold it for a fraction of a second longer than is comfortable, then

look away to some other part of her face. This is especially intimate

and romantic. It's a subtle way of getting her to open her "personal

space" to you that prepares her for opening up even more, later.

Check out her body one time

Wait, wait! Before you ogle at her like a stripper at a bar, let us
explain to you how to check out a woman's body without offending
her. It's a weird dichotomy. On the one hand, women are offended
if you ogle their bodies. On the other hand, they go out of their way
to make their bodies attractive to look at. If you look the wrong way,
she may be offended. If you don't, however, you run the risk of giv-

The Priming Date 221

ing the impression that you aren't interested in her sexually. YOU
handle this problem by looking at her body quickly. Start by looking
in her eyes, then quickly, in less than a second, let your eyes sweep
over her body. Then return to her eyes. By returning to her eyes, you
show her that you are not ashamed of having looked at her body,
and that you still want to connect with her. Do this once or twice
(but not more) during your conversation with her, and it will help
reinforce the romantic mood.

Make decisions easily

We've talked about this before, and will only touch on it now
to remind you of its importance. Being decisive is attractive. Being
indecisive is unattractive. Choose.

Wink at her one time

Winking creates a little moment of intimacy between you and
someone else. Have you ever had a woman wink at you? You shared
a special connection, a momentary little world just for the two of
you. When you wink at a woman, you do this for her. Make the wink
fast; it's not like lowering a garage door. And smile; it's not some big

significant event.

Ask your romantic questions

The first step to having romantic conversations is asking your
romantic questions. If you never do this, she is much less likely to
think of you as potential romantic material, and you may find yourself
in the "friend" category once again. Just open your mouth and
say the lines you've memorized, even if you are uncomfortable. You
can only start at the beginning and go from there,

Manage romantic conversations

Draw out her responses by asking the conversation-extending
questions which you, of course, memorized before the date. You'll
probably find this part easier than you think. When a person starts
telling you about her peak experiences, it's easy to become genuine



222 / Chapter Seven

ly interested. When she returns the questions, and asks you about
your romantic peaks, be ready to tell her about them by describing
lush romantic feelings.

Keep your body powerful

Keep sitting like you are fascinated and fascinating.

Use "seduction"words

Some words are more romantic than others. Words like "urine"
or "foreclosure" are less romantic than words like "seduced,"
"attracted," "romance," or "love." You want to use romantic words
in your conversation as much as you can, without looking like you
are crazy. This means using the words more than you are comfortable
with, but allowing other conversation to happen as well,

Here's a list of romantic words and phrases. You may find others
to add to this partial list:

Seduced
Attracted
Falling in love
Romance
Warm and safe
Elegant
Sensual
Dreamy
Passionate
Feeling in your body
Exquisite
Exotic
Erotic
Magical
Special


The Priming Date I 223

Whisper or change vocal tone one time. While this isn't appropriate
on all priming dates, if things are going well, it can help push
the romantic interaction to the next level.

Whispering to her is powerful for a number of reasons. First,
when you whisper, you command her attention more fully. If she
doesn't pay attention, she'll miss what you are saying. Second, when
you whisper, you create a little world that is for the two of you only.
Third, you have to get closer to her to whisper. If you lean across the
table to whisper, your mouth can get perilously close to her ear. It's
intimate, yet easy for her to accept. This makes it easier for her to
accept your romantic approaches later.

Compliment her three times

In the film An American President, the President, played by
Michael Douglas, was about to go on his first date since his wife
died. His daughter advised him to "compliment her shoes. Girls like
that." Mystified, he complied, much to the pleasure of his date.
Women love to have their looks noticed and complimented. They
work hard and long to look good for us. Why not notice it?

Obviously, your compliments won't be too sexual in nature.
"Your breasts look so great in that outfit, I can hardly keep my
hands off them" is only one step above professing a fascination
with serial killers in terms of destroying any possible romance. Try
complimenting her shoes, if they are at all nice. Tell her she has a
wonderful sense of style, or a beautiful smile. Find something and
praise it.

The only exception to this rule: if a woman is extremely beautiful,
and knows it, a man complimenting her is nothing unusual. In
fact, some such women may hold it against you if you do. One
woman told us, "A guy compliments my body. Great. Another guy
who wants me. How original. Who cares?" If you must compliment
them, find something unusual to focus on. Oscar met Sheila at a
global warming lecture. She was staggeringly beautiful. He didn't
want to just be another guy groveling before her good looks. On
their priming date he told her, "You know, you're real pretty and
everything, but when I knew I had to meet you was when you asked


224 / Chapter Seven

that question at the lecture. I said to myself, 'I've got to know this

woman.'" He managed to compliment her on something unusual—,

her intelligence—while still acknowledging her good looks. She was

impressed, rather than simply throwing his compliment on the pile

with all the others.

Have fun

Like "have a good attitude," "have fun" is one of those commands
that people give you without ever telling you how to do it. We
suggest that, on the priming date, you remember that one of the purposes
of going is to have fun, and that if the opportunity arises to
actually enjoy yourself, you should take it. Study all these guidelines
before the date, but on the date, let yourself relax and forget them
from time to time. If you've studied first, your brain will be able to
keep you on track. While this is work, it shouldn't be laborious.
Remembering to have fun can help.

10 POSSIBLE PROBLEMS ON THE PRIMING DATE

Not all priming dates go hitch-free. Lots of things can, and do,
go wrong. However, everything doesn't have to go right for the date
to be a success. The moment a problem happens on a date, most men
panic and think the whole thing is ruined; this simply is not true. But
you do have to be able to handle problems as they arise. Fortunately,
you have our watchful guidance to help you solve whatever they

might be.

1. She doesn't show up
The most common problem is that she doesn't even bother to
show up- Astonishingly, women "forget" coffee dates very, very
often. Attractive women in their early twenties are especially susceptible
to this. As you begin dating a variety of women, it is
inevitable that some will stand you up.

Actually, having a woman stand you up is a good experience. It
teaches you not to take dating so personally. It teaches you not to
rely on women to make you feel good, or to solve your problems.

The Priming Date I 225

when a woman stands you up, you remain responsible for your feelings,
your beliefs about yourself in the face of rejection, and your
life. Here's how to make a "stand-up" work for you.

Don't take it personally. Of course your date is late. Of course
she's standing you up. This doesn't mean she doesn't like you, or
won't eventually end up sleeping with you. She just got scared, or
involved in something else that seemed more important, or just
didn't feel like coming to the date. She may even have forgotten.
Don't worry about it. We'll show you in a bit how to turn the entire
scenario around on her, and actually use her standing you up to for


ward your seduction.

Don't jump to conclusions. Amazingly, she still might be very
interested in you. She just didn't feel like showing up. We know this
is astounding, but you must get used to it. Some extremely attractive
women would literally never think to lift a finger to pursue, or even
keep their word with, men they want to be with. Denise was one of
these women. When she met Steve, she was very interested in him.
She told her friends "He seems so cute, and smart, and fun." But she
never did anything to pursue him. In fact, she did quite the reverse.
She didn't return his two phone calls, and when he finally did set up
a priming date, she didn't show up. But she was still interested. You
must understand that this kind of thing really does happen.

And, of course, there may be a legitimate reason for her
absence besides she "forgot," or didn't feel like coming. People do
get lost or have emergencies. When Sunshine didn't show up for her
priming date with Alvin, it turned out that two of her friends had
died in a car accident. His anger disappeared pretty quickly when
he found this out, and he offered his shoulder for her to cry on

instead.

How to handle a no-show. First, you wait only 15 minutes for
her to arrive. If you are still there when she arrives 20,30, or 40 minutes
later, all you are doing is showing her that you are a worm who
will still be there for her, no matter how she treats you. If she shows
up 30 minutes late and you are gone, it shows her that she has to
treat your time as respectfully as she'd like her own treated. If a
woman isn't there by 15 minutes after you've scheduled the date,
there is only a small chance she will show up anyhow.



226 / Chapter Seven

Check if she's left you a message. Sometimes when a woman
is running late, or can't make it, she'll call your answering machine
or voice mail to let you know. After waiting 15 minutes, check your
machine. If there's no message from her, leave. If you don't have an
answering machine you can check remotely, you should get one if
you are .going to date a lot of women. It will save you a lot of won


dering time.

If she's running late and tells you, it is permissible to wait, but
you should still cut the date off quickly. For instance, if your date is
scheduled for noon, and at 12:15 you receive a message that she'll be
a few minutes late, and she finally arrives at 12:35, it is critical that
you still leave the date at a time you would have if she hadn't been
late. At five to one you would warn her, "Boy, it's fun to be with you,
but I have to go in a few minutes." Hopefully the shortness of the
date will inspire her to be more punctual next time. If you stay extra


long, and rearrange your day to accommodate her lateness, there's
no reason for her to change her behavior, and she will continue to
be late in the future. This will result in a pattern of inconvenience for
you and will reinforce her taking advantage of you.

Call the next day and apologize/or not showing up. If a woman
stands you up, your call the next day is where you turn the entire
humiliating experience around. Usually, we don't advocate being
dishonest with women in any way. But when she stands you up, in
our opinion she needs some correction. Here's how you do it.

Don't call her the day she missed the date. This is for two reasons.
One, calling her that same day makes you look more desperate
than you are. You want her to understand that you have a busy life,
and her missing the appointment didn't throw you into a tizzy. Two,
she might call you and apologize, though in our experience and that
of our students, this has never happened.

Call her the next day, and apologize for missing the date. Even
though you were there, you say "I'm so sorry I missed our date yesterday,
Things just got wild at work, and I just spaced it out. I really
apologize. I hope you'll let me take you out again, and make it up to
you." At this point, she has two choices. One, she can say, "Oh, that's
okay, I didn't show up either," which shows that she is at least honest.
Two, she can lie, and say, "Yea, I waited twenty minutes, and you

The Priming Date I 227

came! "Either way, your response is the same. You do not call

on her lie—remember, your purpose is to seduce her, not to be

(You do notice, however, that she is a woman who both didn't
show up and lied to you about it, neither of which is a good sign.)
What you do is you say, "I'm so sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you
on our next date." You can then either push the program and ask her
out to a more romantic date, or bring her flowers on the next priming
date and more thoroughly seal your romantic interest. Set up
another date and, in the guise of "making it up to her," hit on her
even harder.

2, She doesn't show up repeatedly

We suggest you adopt a "three strikes and you're out" rule in
your dating. If a woman doesn't show up to the third priming date
(assuming that you told her you missed the first one, but not the second),
you must tell her that it isn't personal, but if she doesn't show
up to the next date, you won't be able to talk to her for a long time.
If she doesn't show up again, don't call her or talk to her. If you see
her on the street, ignore her to her face. While this may seem harsh,
you are more likely to end up in bed with this woman if you pull the
plug on her and make her work to get you back. The bottom line,
forget about her and move on.

3. She brings a friend or girlfriend
If she brings a female friend she's probably bringing a chaperone
to check you out. Be charming, but less pushy with the romantic
questions. You can still show your interest, of course. You may
even ask the other woman how she met your prospect, and talk
about how you felt when you first saw her. You can say to her, "Isn't
Sheila beautiful?" as a way of complimenting your date. When you
call your date later (if you decide to), joke with her about hoping
that you passed the test with the chaperone. She'll deny she brought
the friend to help her check you out, Accept this by saying, "Of
course. I was just kidding," and set up your next date.

If she brings a guy friend, your problem is more serious. Why
has she brought competition? Is she so popular that she has to date


228 / Chapter Seven

in groups? It could just be that she is extremely thoughtless. Or, it
could be that she is psycho. Use your psycho-spotting skills, and
scale back the seduction significantly. Leave after 20 or so minutes;
you won't get much done with that guy there, anyway. If you decide
to her later, again joke about hoping you passed the chaperone
test. When you ask her out again, humorously request that this time

she come alone.

4. She is boring or weird, but you still want
to have sex with her
You will have the occasional woman who seems strange and
you are completely uninterested in her intellectually, while still
being hot for her body. In these situations you must move faster,
take more risks, and either push the romance to its conclusion, or
offend her and get her out of your life. The most common mistake
men make in this situation is that they decide that making the
romance move faster means not doing all the little things that make

her desire you in the first place,
When Bob decided to push his seduction of Maria forward
because he found her boring, he stopped touching casually looking
into her eyes, winking at her, or doing anything to make her feel special.
It's as if he decided that because she wasn't special to him, he
could seduce her by treating her the same way. Needless to say, when
Bob lunged at Maria to plant an awkward, unprepared-for kiss, she

recoiled:

A top seducer understands that, in these situations, you don't
stop the romance. You stop everything else. From there it can go
either way. She may well reject you, saying that though she is attracted
to you, she "wants to know you better first," or she may have sex
with you. You can decide from there if you want to keep seeing her.


5. Your romantic questions and talk seem to make her
uncomfortable
Sometimes women squirm or get quiet when you are romancing
them because they are attracted, but scared. Sometimes they do
exactly the same things because they are repelled, and scared. It's

hard to know the difference.

The Priming Date I 229

You'll learn the nuances of handling this as you practice your
dating skills. As we've said before, every woman will resist dating

you at first because they are resisting change. You have to push forward
and keep being romantic, and wait for her to get over it. If she
is profoundly uncomfortable with your romantic talk and not
attracted, you'll naturally slow down. She may even tell you she's
not comfortable. If she never lightens up, then don't date her again.

6. you push too hard and too fast
When you first use these tools, you are basically practicing.
Because you are awkward and inexperienced, your new set of
behavior, discussion, and dress styles may seem unnatural and
strange to you. However, that doesn't mean that it will seem strange
to her. After all, she doesn't know how you normally behave. She
doesn't know that you don't usually wink, or check women out, or
make romantic talk. Only you know that. Most of the time, you will
be the only one feeling weird about it. That huge risk you take when
you ask her about her most romantic moment doesn't seem risky to
her; it is only in your head. Don't mistake your own tension for hers.

Especially at first, she may feel that you are coming on too hard
and fast. She'll seem offended or pull back when you touch her. She
may even ask something like "Are you doing some weird thing to
seduce me?" Tell her that you like her and are interested in her, and
apologize (briefly) if you are coming on too strong. Have neutral
conversation about her job for a while, then start bringing the seduction
back in.

7. You are intimidated by her beauty
When you first go out with a very attractive woman, it's easy to
get overwhelmed with your concerns about things going wrong.
After all, she's so beautiful, you'd better get it right. More than likely
your fear will drive you to do things your old, unsuccessful way.
This will only leave you with another beautiful female "friend."
Don't default into your old ways; they won't serve you.

The best solution is to go into dates with beautiful women as if
they were an experiment. When Russ first set up a date with Tina, an
actress, he was overwhelmed by her beauty. And she was a real look



230 / Chapter Seven

er. She had been on the beauty pageant circuit before becoming an
actress. He came to us for help preparing for the date. "I can hardly
talk to her, she's so damn hot," he told us. "What can I do?"

First and foremost, we counseled Russ to look at this date as an
experiment. Because this was his first truly beautiful date in his
entire life, he was likely to screw up since he'd never had any practice
before. We advised him not to worry about it. "The idea isn't to
bed her in this case," we said. "The idea is to see how far you can get
without screwing up, and to learn as much as you can from any
screw-up that you make. The more you learn from this beautiful
woman, the farther you'll get with the next one you find," We also
told him to make sure to use his body powerfully, and to do all the
confidence-building things we teach in Chapter 3.

He took our advice, and approached dating her as an experiment,
rather than as a task at which he had to "succeed." As a result
he learned a lot from his interactions with her, and actually got to
the point of kissing her before she rejected him. Russ was thrilled he
got that far, rather than depressed, and the next very hot woman he
pursued, he had sex with.

8. She offends you, or you disagree strongly
Sometimes a woman is so unpleasant to be with that you
change your goal. You quickly decide that it would be more enjoyable
to give her a piece of your mind than it would be to sleep with
her. If that is the decision you make, then by all means fight with her.
Have a ball But don't kid yourself, and think that you'll ever have
sex with her or change her mind. You won't. But fighting with her is

your right, if you want to do it.
If you disagree with her strongly, or she offends you, but not
enough to put you off entirely, you simply must sacrifice your point
of view for the seduction. But remember, if you don't like her, you
don't have to sleep with her. If you are constantly pursuing and talking
to women, you'll have plenty of others to choose from. You'll
simply have to experiment and decide what works for you with
women who offend you.

The Priming Date I 231

9. You don't do the little things
Because so many of the steps in romancing a woman seem so
small, many men think that they can get away without doing them.
They don't wink, or smile, or compliment. They decide it's okay to
skip the romantic conversations. These men believe that they will
get away with putting out the least amount of effort, and will start
doing the little things when the woman proves her worth. This is just
plain silly. If you don't do the little things, she won't be interested.
Don't fall into this trap. Do the little things.

10, She wants to cry on your shoulder, but doesn't want to

have sex

This is the worse-case scenario, and sometimes it does happen.
Reggie liked Wanda, but when they went out she confessed that she
was very confused about her sexual identity. "I really wish I wanted
men. but I only desire women," she told him. "But 1 want to get married
and be a normal person!" She went on in this vein for their
entire priming date, continually re-routing all romantic conversations
back into laments about her problems. At first Reggie thought
she might be worth the effort. He instantly fantasized about sleeping
with Wanda and one of her sexy friends, every man's fantasy.
Sadly, when he asked her "Have you tried being with a man and a
woman at the same time?" she was deeply offended, saying "Why do
men always say that?" If you desire a woman who won't stop using
you as a therapist, you should accelerate your seduction, and either
get her into bed or get rid of her. When Reggie tried to kiss Wanda
at the end of the date, she refused, and he never called her again.

Remember your purpose. Most of the time, a woman who
wants to cry on your shoulder but doesn't want sex will continue to
not want sex with you. You don't have time for this.

ENDING THE DATE AND DANGLING THE BAIT

You are leaving the priming date. How do you know if you
should make a pass at her, or wait until the next time?


232 I Chapter Seven

In terms of the seduction, you are better off kissing her quickly
if you can. If you kiss her, she's left having to give herself reasons
why she did the right thing by allowing it. If you don't kiss, it leaves
her more easily able to think of you as a friend. The downside of
kissing her at the end of the priming date is that, if she's not ready

you risk blowing what you've worked for.
There are logistical considerations as well. If she decides to stay
behind at the coffee shop, it's harder to kiss her. If you are walking
her to her car, however, the relative privacy of a parking garage
might be more conducive to the first kiss. We'll discuss how you go
for the first kiss (and more) in Chapter 10.
Even if she refuses your kiss, she may simply be telling you
she's not ready yet, but will be. Ken tried to kiss Mindy after their
priming date, standing next to her car. Realizing he was rushing
things, and not sure how it would be received, he warned her first.
"Oh my," he said. "I don't know if I can resist kissing you." "Please
don't," she said, smiling. "It's just too soon. But you call me, how
about that?" "Oh, so you want to be pursued more," Ken laughed. "I
can do that. I have a feeling you are worth every minute." She
laughed, and got into her car, and he walked away. A success, even
though he didn't get what he was after. Mindy made it clear that all
he had to do was more work, and he could have her. Ken didn't
object to doing the work, so he left feeling happy and confidentabout the seduction.
If you have a clear idea in mind for the seduction date, it's perfectly
fine to ask her out and make the plans at the end of the priming
date. Simply say, "This has been great, and I'd like to see you
again." It's better to nail things down when you are with her. In this
age of phone tag and people who can't make plans without their
three-ring filo-fax binders, it can be a lot easier to just set up the next
date right then. It is also good to ask her out while she is right in
front of you, feeling the joy that you created on the date, rather than
later when she's had lots of time to think about why you are a jerk.
Be general, unless you have a seduction date strategy already in
mind. Set a date, and ask her when the best time is to call her to set
up the details. Your next stop is to design your seduction date strategy.


The Priming Date / 233

AFTER THE DATE "DID" CHECKLIST

* Asked the romantic questions you memorized
* Conducted the romantic conversations you prepared
* Touched her hand
* Looked into her eyes, a little too long
* Cut the date short (75 minutes tops)
* Touched her nonintrusively and casually
* Made decisions quickly and easily
Made her smile and/or laugh at least one time
Pursued your goals
Made your romantic interest known
Were early and absorbed in something else when she arrived
Gathered information about her romantic needs
Complimented her five times
Had fun at least 40 seconds
Checked out her body in the way specified
Used seductive language (seduce, attraction, falling in love,
romance, etc.) seven times
Used interested body language
Whispered at least once
Took notes about what makes her feel romantic afterwards.

AFTER THE DATE "DIDN'T" CHECKLIST

(The nine date-killers)

Didn't treat her like a friend

*

Didn't insult her

*

Didn't complain

*

Didn't complain about other women

*

* Didn't check out other women
Didn't grab her ass
*


234 I Chapter Seven

* Didn't rely on her for certainty that the date was going well
* Didn't allow yourself to get upset when you forgot your lines,
etc.
* Didn't take anything she said or did personally.
AFTER THE PRIMING DATE STUDY QUESTIONS

We recommend that you sit yourself down and ask yourself a
few questions after the priming date. Whether or not it went the way
you wanted, you can learn from the experience and be a more skillful
seducer in the future.

* Is she worth the work she will probably be? How much do
you want her? How much work are you willing to put in?
* What did you learn about what is important to her in relationships
and dating?
* What worked, and made her feel especially connected to you?
* What didn't work, and seemed to make her feel more separate
from you?
* What did she like about you?
* How responsive was she to romantic and sexual talk?
* How was the date a success?
* What did you learn about seduction?
* What does your intuition tell you about seducing this woman?
* How psycho is she?
* Does she live with her parents, or in some other arrangement
where it might be hard to have sex with her?
* Does she seem to prefer me acting dominant or submissive?
* What topics should I avoid and/or pursue?
* What seductive conversation worked best?
* What is the cost/benefit ratio?
* Which of the four kinds of women is she?
The Priming Date I 235

PASSING THE PRIMING DATE
WITH FLYING COLORS


When Bruce went out with Wendy, he passed the priming date

ith flying colors. When she arrived, he was absorbed in his book, an
intellectual work called Sex and the Brain. Her "hello" popped him
back to reality, and he greeted her. "Wow, hi. I was so absorbed in

this book, I didn't see you come in."Wendy, an intellectual type, was
immediately impressed and interested in his book. This led to conversation
about sex and how men and women become attracted to
one another. Bruce took the opportunity to use seduction words,
like "romance," "attracted." "chemistry," and so on.
He also used the conversation as an opening to ask her about
her romantic experiences, and how those experiences felt to her.
After telling him about her most romantic date ever, Wendy laughed
and said "I feel like I'm telling you everything about me! Now you'll
know everything about romancing me!" "Well, that's just great,"
Bruce responded. He leaned forward, whispering more intimately,
"But trust me, I have a few romantic surprises for a beautiful woman
like you that you haven't seen before." He smiled conspiratorially.
"You'll see," Bruce said, as he leaned back, and winked. For the
duration of the date he made decisions easily, and used his body to
convey his vitality and interest in her. He touched Wendy's arm several
times, and then placed his hand on hers.
At one point, while Bruce was describing a romantic experience
of his in response to her "what about you?" question, he said
"it felt so beautiful to connect, you know what I mean?" and
reached out to lightly touch her cheek for a moment. She blushed,
and they went on with their conversation. He held her eye contact a
fraction too long, and, as he was getting up to leave, checked out her
body one time,
Wendy was awed by and attracted to Bruce's confidence. She
was surprised by how naturally she found herself thinking romantically
about him. She didn't realize that he'd left her little alternative.
He was obviously not going to be a friend; all of his behaviors told
her that. Bruce showed his interest in her romantically and skillful



236 I

Chapter Seven

ly. She either had to think of him as possible romantic material, or as
a pushy jerk. Either way was fine with Bruce, because either option
moved him closer to his goal. If she thought of him romantically, she
was more likely to go to bed with him. If she thought of him as a
pushy jerk, she'd get out of his life and he'd have more time to pur


sue other women.
After 40 minutes Bruce got up to leave. "Well, it's been great
seeing you," he told her. "How about we get together again?"
"That'd be great," she said. "Please call me!" At that moment, he
could either set up the date then, go for an early kiss, or leave and
call her later. He had choices, power, and the date was cheap and
didn't take too long. By following our directions, Bruce put himself
on the road to romance. If you follow them, so will you.

chapter eight...
The
Seduction Date

After a successful "priming" date, Bruce knew Wendy was
interested in him. She seemed sad that the last date ended, and kept
staring and smiling at him throughout the time they were together.
When he winked and checked out her body, she still smiled. Bruce
knew that if he had made the first move, they definitely would have
been making out near the coffee shop, but he didn't want to push
things too hard, too early. Bruce looked forward to turning up the
romance on a seduction date. He found her attractive, intelligent,
and sweet. They had been on the priming date only a week before,
but Bruce wanted to move quickly. His next step was to create an
afternoon adventure, a date that would provide fond memories. A
magical afternoon.

Bruce waited until Thursday to call Wendy, She sounded happy
on the phone. After a few minutes of chitchat, he asked her out for
Saturday. "I can hardly wait to see you," she said. "We will be going
on a secret adventure," Bruce warned. "I love secret adventures,"
she responded. Brace's only instructions were that she dress like a
sexy female FBI agent who was going on a bust. She laughed and
said "OK." Brace hung up the phone excited about the date. He
couldn't wait.



238 / Chapter Eight

The purpose of a seduction date is to create romantic experiences
which lead to sex. Priming dates create rapport through conversations;
seduction dates do this through experiences. A seduction
date assumes that she knows you are interested in her romantically
and she is still interested in dating you. On priming dates you
research the qualities she looks for in a man, and the experiences
she considers romantic. All this information comes together on a

seduction date.
After four priming dates with Kathy, Bob decided to take her
on a seduction date. Even though she didn't seem that interested in
him, and they never came close to kissing, Bob wanted to move
things to the next level. He failed to notice that Kathy had ended all
the dates first. On one date, she asked to borrow money, and kept
asking him to pay for dinner at expensive restaurants. At no point
did she exude any interest in him at all. Not only was Bob a sucker,
but he was nowhere near ready to be on a seduction date with her.
Bob didn't generate any romantic feelings with Kathy on the date,
nor did he create much of a connection. He rarely asked her romantic
questions and gave off a weird vibe. Bob did not come across as
boyfriend material. He would have been better off going out with
any other woman, rather than trying to force Kathy to be on a date
with him.
On his 30-minute priming date, Bruce left Wendy wanting
more. They constantly talked about romantic topics. He found out
her favorite type of movies (science fiction), food (Chinese), that
she loved nature and animals. Her ideal Sunday morning was to
wake up with her lover, have him go out and get The New York
Times and bagels, and have them cuddle in bed, drinking coffee,
reading for hours. He frequently touched her and kissed her hand.
By the end of the date, they were laughing, having a great time.

THE EIGHT COMPONENTS OF A TRIUMPHANT
SEDUCTION DATE


1. The seduction date takes place over many hours,
On a priming date, you focused on not spending too much time
with the woman, because there was a good chance you would

The Seduction Date / 239

, saying something stupid. The purpose of these dates is to leave

the woman wanting more. On a seduction date, it is useful to you

nd at least four hours together. Romance and feelings of sexiness

usually take several hours to build. They are a series of progressive

successes stacked on top of one another. One reason why the seduc


tion date takes longer is that women usually love the courting

process. For them it is like a cat-and-mouse game. They get to be the

cat, and you the mouse. They get to be in charge, and have you run


ning all over the place trying to impress them and prove that you are

patient in a game that requires many hours to play.

Another reason why seduction dates take longer is that it gives
the woman a justification to sleep with you. Most women feel bad
about themselves when and if they meet a guy at a bar and go home
with him. They often regret the experience and avoid the guy. When
you spend many hours with them, it is easier for them to justify
being sexual.

Jim took Sandy on a seduction date. It was winter in Colorado
and snowy. On a priming date he found out that they both loved
winter sports, especially skiing. He had been an avid skier for the
past 15 years, and she, too, loved to be on the slopes.

As a result of their shared interests. Jim set up a day-long ski
trip for the two of them. He found a remote resort few people visited.
It was very out-of-the-way, and only the most devoted ski bums
knew of it. Though it wasn't as high quality as the more popular
sights, it would be a better place, he figured, to create a romantic
outing. They arrived around 1:00 pm on a warm Sunday. It was a perfect
day to be out, and there was hardly anyone else skiing. Jim flirted
with Sandy all day. On a break, they held hands, talked, and
laughed. It not only took them away from her normal circumstances,
but it gave Jim hours to flirt and connect with her. Later that night,
after a wonderful meal. They went to her apartment, watched
movies on her couch, and kissed for hours. They did everything short
of making love. The date ended perfectly.

2. Seduction dates make the woman feel special
Priming dates focus on deepening the connection between the
two of you. How you relate to one another changes, from acquain




240 / Chapter Eight

tances to possible dating partners. The date invokes romantic feel


ings between the two of you by making her feel special and appre


ciated. Priming dates address her concern about whether or not you

are safe to date. Seduction dates address her questions about

whether you are a potential boyfriend or not.

If you are like most men, you would sleep with a woman

regardless of whether or not she seems like a potential girlfriend.

Women, on the other hand, often search for a potential mate. Single

women over 30 tend to focus on men who are "marriage material."

Your job is to come across as the type of man who can fit her desires,

no matter what they are. When you spend hours together it helps

you seem like the boyfriend she has always wanted. You are not only

spending quality time with her, but courting her in the ways she

wants.

A woman—any woman—wants to feel special. It is your job
to make her feel that way. For most women, the man of their
dreams appreciates how they dress, the topics they discuss, their
interests, and much more. Given that you are striving to be viewed
as a potential boyfriend, it would help the situation for you to also
take an interest in these subjects. Their ideal boyfriend would
most likely give them long back rubs, hold them close, pay for
dates, and enjoy kissing softly in the moonlight. If that is what
they desire, do those actions. You'll probably find you even enjoy
them. Seduction dates work best if you go into them looking at
giving her what she wants, rather than expecting her to give you
what you want.

One way to make a woman feel special is to make the seduction
date a celebration for her. This means you do things she would
like to do. As a rule of thumb, stay focused on her and her desires
throughout the date, making her feel special, but find a way to have
a good time for you, too. Do this when you plan the date, are on the
date, and afterwards when you evaluate the date. Later in the chapter
we will cover the specific techniques you can use to acknowledge
her and make her melt.

If a woman feels as though you are just using her for sex, she
probably won't sleep with you. Even if she is the type to have one-

The Seduction Date I 241

night stands, she will want to know that you appreciate something
about her personality. She wants to know you think of her more than

to a woman to have sex with. The most efficient way to accomplish
this is to imagine you are her, and imagine what you would like to
do and how you would want to be treated. Chances are that you
won't be able to fully understand where she is coming from, but it

will be a good way to guide your behavior nonetheless.
If you can pour on the charm, women will often feel appreciated.
Charm is based on respect. You must respect her likes and dislikes.
Even if you don't think of yourself as a sensitive guy, it is
important to respect her wishes and her boundaries during the date.
If not, you will blow your chances.

FROM TRASH TO TREASURE: THE ROMANTIC
POWER OF LITTLE GIFTS PROPERLY GIVEN

Another way to show your appreciation is through little gifts.
Women love gifts; who doesn't? The great part of "little gifts" is that
you can give her a very inexpensive gift and it will melt her heart
almost as much as an expensive one. We highly recommend that you
do this on seduction dates to increase the feelings of romance and
affiliation.

Little gifts serve many purposes. First, their "surprise factor"
can be used to get her attention. By giving her something she
doesn't expect, it shows you are interested and thoughtful. Second,
it shows you are generous. Third, she will feel appreciated and cared
for because you went through the trouble of purchasing something
for her. Fourth, little gifts give something tangible from the date to
remind her of you after she goes home. If it is a gift she enjoys, she
will probably stare at it or use it long after the date is over. Even
something silly like a Wonder Woman key chain can help remind her
of how fun and crazy the date was. She will probably look at the
chain and laugh, thinking about a joke you told, or how surprised
she was to see a plastic statue of her childhood cartoon superhero.
The gift will actually anchor more romantic and good feelings to
you, even when you are not around.


242 I Chapter Eight

As important as the gift itself is how well it is wrapped.
critical. The act of unwrapping a present is an exciting ritual for ^
and you will enjoy watching her do it. If the gift is inexpensive as it
should be, wrapping it well makes it ten times more special than it
would be unwrapped. Remember, you want to give her a good experience.
Unwrapping a gift is an experience she'll remember for

long time to come.

The Five Rules for Gift Giving

1. It must be wrapped nicely
2. It must be in good taste (nothing like a huge vibrating hand
or a deck of cards from Hooters)
3. It must be inexpensive
4. It must be either fun, funny (to her), or romantic
5. It must be given at random times. You don't want a woman to
start expecting and demanding gifts on every date.
Examples of cheap gifts women love:

* Stuffed animals
* Chocolate
* Cute cards
* Funny pens
* A memento you buy while on the date
* Flowers
* A cheap license plate with her name on it from a travel store
* A CD of good romantic music
* A funny toy
* Bath soap
* Food
* Massage oil
* A goofy hat
* A shell from the ocean
* A book
The Seduction Date I 243

3 The seduction date takes place in an

out-of-the-ordinary place

You must take a woman out of her ordinary surroundings on a

seduction date. Remember, you want to create a memorable experi


ence. One way to create such an experience is to break out of the

normal routine and go places you've never been—different scenery,

smells, sights, vibes, everything. By doing so, the experience will

seem exciting, bold, and adventurous.

The date can take place at a museum, a shop across town, a
sporting event (only if she has mentioned her love of sports), a concert,
a special restaurant, or any other place she is likely to enjoy.
The only condition is that you don't go to places she tends go to in
her normal routine. So, if she goes to the museum every week to
observe Egyptian artifacts, don't go there. If, however, there is a helium
balloon show nearby, or an art show she wants to attend, it's perfect.
These experiences are new for her, and more likely to be an
"event."

Jason racked his brain for hours thinking of where to take
Shannah. At age 40, he thought of himself as successful, attractive,
but very shy. He wanted to date Shannah, a woman he met at a
neighborhood coffee shop they both frequented. Jason flirted with
her over a few weeks, and slowly found out details of her life. After
nearly a month, he finally mustered up the courage to ask her out
for coffee. Since he had been to one of our seminars,-he knew
enough to take her to a different coffee shop than the one they both
enjoyed.

After the priming date, he felt he was ready to seduce her.
Though he had lived in New York for the past ten years, every place
that came to mind seemed cliche and silly. He wracked his brain
thinking of places she would like. Finally, Jason decided to take her
to the Statue of Liberty. He reasoned that it would be romantic to
be on a boat, and he knew she had always wanted to go. Shannah
had said so a month ago when he first started flirting with her and
finding out about her life.

The date turned out wonderfully. The boat ride was fun and the
tour of the statue was more interesting than he imagined it would
be. Afterwards, they walked around neighborhoods she had wanted


244 I Chapter Eight

to visit. They looked at architecture, churches, and other points of
interest. Jason and Shannah walked, holding hands, occasionally
stopping for coffee, donuts, or just to rest. At the end of the date
they went back to her house and kissed passionately. It was the first

of many dates for them.
One reason the date worked so well was that Jason took her to
a place she wanted to go. Second, the date took them both out of
their normal routines and into "foreign" territory. Third, by being
together over hours and hours, they were forced to bond with one
another. In the coffee shop they could talk to other people, and
retreat into their books or newspapers. On the boat ride and while
walking, they had to be together. They could either enjoy one another
or suffer. Being out of their normal routine forced them to bond,
which moved the seduction forward.

4. The seduction date includes the element of surprise
When we interviewed women about where their most romantic
date took place, most said that the place was less important than
how the date was structured. What made it romantic was that the
man had taken care of all the details and that she felt like she was in
another world. One woman commented that on the best dates, she
felt "transported into a romantic world." Surprises are a wonderful
way to create such feelings.

Since childhood, most of us have loved surprises. We've been
conditioned to appreciate them. Why, for example, do kids love
scary movies? Why do kids love roller coasters and hide-and-seek?
The element of surprise makes a mundane activity into an event. It
transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. The element of surprise
creates a quickened bonding process and invokes fun, ecstasy,

and romance.
Creating a wonderful surprise for a woman also brings out the
playful parts in you, which is always a good idea while getting to
know a woman. Most women want a man who is sensitive and fierce,
fun and playful, and at least somewhat unpredictable, all at the same
time. When the date is full of surprise you are unpredictable, exciting,
and it is difficult not to have fun. We highly recommend experimenting
with surprise on seduction dates and keep it going while in
a committed relationship. It adds spice and freshness.

The Seduction Date / 245

During our interviews we also asked what made the best dates

go well. Part of the magic, women told us, was doing things they

didn't normally do. "I want to be taken out of my environment," one

woman said. "I want a guy to bring me somewhere I'd probably not

go alone or with my girlfriends. Even if it is just a funky coffee shop

on the other side of town, or to a ballet, what impresses me is when

a guy treats me like I'm worth putting in effort for." Secrets, sur


prises, and mystery all drive women crazy.

When Bruce asked Wendy out and told her only to dress like
an FBI agent, she was instantly interested. Even though it seemed
strange, she was deeply intrigued. In fact, she couldn't wait to see
what kind of date he would concoct for her. Being asked out on an
exciting adventure made her feel special and appreciated. It also
sounded like a lot of fun. Wendy looked forward to flirting with
Bruce, while pretending to be a sultry agent. Her response was
exactly what Bruce hoped for.

5. You pay for the date
Some men aren't so skillful. Along with being a bumbling
idiot, Bob is a cheapskate. He doesn't like to spend money on himself,
on a woman, or on anybody, "I don't want to blow any money
if sex isn't going to happen," he says. "Why should I spend my
hard-earned money on a woman?" One reason Bob is such a failure
with women is because he is unwilling to put out for them. He
expects them to just throw themselves at him, and beg him for sex,
even though he isn't willing to do much of anything for them.
We're not talking about spending lots of money on a woman. That
would be stupid and naive. But we are talking about providing for
them on some level. A seduction date is about supplying the
women fun and excitement, romance and appreciation. Part of
how you create this is by taking financial responsibility for the
date.

By refusing to spend even $20 on a movie date, Bob shoots
himself in the foot and ruins his chances of success. By being overly
paranoid and stingy, he turns women off. Many men fall into this
trap. When you pay for a woman, you are demonstrating your ability
to be generative. You are showing her that you are willing to do
your part. Most women expect you to pay for them and will think


246 / Chapter Eight

The Seduction Date I 247


less of you if you don't. You are welcome to argue about the fairness
of this all day long if you want. You can be right about it until the
cows come home. We don't care. The bottom line is, all the women
we interviewed mentioned that this is what they expect.

If you have little money, don't fret. Spending lots of cash isn't
necessary. Creating a memorable experience for her and taking
charge of managing the date are more important than spending
money. It would be a fine, memorable and free date if you took her
to a free museum and then on a walk around a lake. If you know her
better, you can rent movies and make her a wonderful dinner.
Another option is to visit a nearby town and window shop down
Main Street. These are all cheap options. The important part is that

you are creating experiences for her and taking responsibility for the
date rather than expecting her to do so.
Murray was quite knowledgeable about plants, majoring in
horticulture in college. He had researched forest ecology and could
identify nearly every tree, shrub, and plant in the botanical gardens
nearby. He decided to take Beth on a visit to the gardens. In an ear


lier conversation she had mentioned her love of exotic birds, plants,
and trees. Murray saw the botanical gardens as a perfect place to
walk and bond, From there he planned to take her to a lunch spot,

and then to a chocolate factory. The whole date, he figured, would
cost around $15. It would give them an opportunity to be together
in a romantic spot and have the date be memorable.

Howard is a dating master. He always has a steady stream of
women to date. He meets them everywhere he goes. Over the years,
Howard has developed a long list of dating laws that he strictly follows.
One is the $40 rule; he never spends more than $40 on a seduction
date, He simply decides ahead of time his spending maximum,
and never spends more. This rule has served him well, and never
leaves him broke or resentful.

We recommend you do take Howard's lead and do the same
thing. Set aside a fixed amount and design a date that won't go over
it. People who go gambling, and decide how much money they will
lose ahead of time, and never exceed that amount, leave casinos
happy. They live within their means and don't injure themselves
chasing something that is improbable, like beating the odds at the
blackjack table. The same is true on seduction dates. If you are not

• ning, a connection is not being made, don't force the issue.
If a date begins going badly, don't fall into the trap of, spending
ore money in an attempt to fix it. That's desperation, not confidence,
and it doesn't work. Spending more money won't help
things. You will probably leave feeling even worse, and no closer to
your goal.

Even though paying for the seduction date is recommended,
don't foolishly believe that paying for dates negates the importance
of creating and maintaining the romantic mood. Money is never a
substitute for the other work required. You must still touch her,
charm her, create bonding, and much more. If you take a woman to
a very expensive restaurant, she may be impressed, but if you fail to
create any romance, she will only view you as a sucker whom she can
manipulate into buying things for her. There must be a balance, and
the work on the date must be done in tandem with paying.

6. The seduction date is not a time to socialize
Just as the priming date wasn't a time to socialize, neither is the
seduction date. Sure, having fun is part of the date, but you are still
"at work," You are still focused on your goal of created sexual tension
between the two of you that you can have fun resolving later.
The other task you are working on is creating romantic feelings. As
a rule of thumb, be clear about your goal every time you interact
with your date. When you stray from this focus, get back on track. If
you forget your goals, you will likely fail.

7, Seduction dates are on a flexible schedule

Priming dates have a definite format. They are short, usually
40-75 minutes. Discovering the woman's likes and dislikes is the
focus. Seduction dates follow a completely different format. While
they are goal-driven, the pace is slower and less intense. The goal of
the seduction date is sex, and there are many paths to it. The easiest
one is to let go of having to make your plans work perfectly, while at
the same time pursuing your goal. Does this seem confusing? It
should. We are telling you two completely opposite things at the
same time,


248 I Chapter Eight

The Seduction Date I 249

Most guys have a hard time just "going with the flow." They
prefer to know ahead of time how every moment is going to be
spent. Then they fret when things don't go as planned. The likelihood
of your success will be greatly improved if you can let the
ambiguity and uncertainty be there, while still following the other
principles. Otherwise, you'll turn into a control-freak. After a few
seduction dates, this formula will make much more sense.

When Danny took Amy to an art opening, he never expected
that they would be invited to the artist's hotel room for a private
show. While he was a bit worried that the artist would hit on Amy.
he went anyway. They ended up talking to the artist for the next few
hours, drinking wine, and getting to know him. Afterward, Danny
took her home and they ended up having sex. Because he was open
to changing his plans, while still remaining focused on the outcome,
he gave her a very special experience, and was successful.

Most people go through life busy and hurried, not allowing
much time to be relaxed and to enjoy what is going on in front of
them. When you allow for the date to unfold in its own time, you create
a relaxed environment for her and this will greatly aid you. This
in no way means you don't plan out the date meticulously and have
an abundance of options at your fingertips. You must allow for both
a tightly structured outing and one that is flexible.

Remember also: no woman wants to be with a man who is constantly
trying to rush the sexual mood. If you try to hurry things, a
woman won't respect you, and certainly won't put you into the category
of "boyfriend material." Men who are unsuccessful with
women lack the ability to be tactful. When you relax and let the date
unfold and go at her pace, and still follow your plan, she will respect
you and eventually give you sex.

8. Seduction dates plan for success
While planning a date, you must assume that sex will happen
and do the steps necessary to get ready. This means that you prepare
mentally, physically, practically, and emotionally. You also prepare
your environment to lend itself to a sexual experience. Most important,
you end up someplace you can "do it,"

Calvin, a successful student, reported that one of his first seduction
dates failed because he didn't plan properly. The date had been
going well and he and a delightful young woman wound up at her
home. So far, so good, he thought. They began by kissing passionately
on her couch, and after a while they moved things to the bedroom.
Calvin took off her top and played with her breasts. The
kissed more, and she pulled off his pants and underwear. They continued
and she took off her blouse and bra. Calvin was in heaven.
After another half hour of foreplay, she begged him to have intercourse.


At that exact moment, Calvin realized that he didn't have any
condoms. "I felt like a total idiot," he recalls. "I had no idea things
would go so far on the date. If I had, I would have planned, I still
kick myself when I think of my blunder," Calvin's lack of planning
cost him a great night and the respect of the woman.

Most men are so used to failing with women that they expect
the worst. After many rejections, they expect to strike out. They
don't plan for success and are surprised when it happens. Like
Calvin, they don't bring condoms on a date because they don't even
think they could possibly score. They don't bother cleaning their
bedroom because they don't think the date will lead to the woman
coming home with them. They don't dress well because the woman
probably won't like them anyway. We could go on and on.

In our experience, holding onto negative beliefs and pessimistic
attitudes will give you what you've always gotten: poor results and
lukewarm-to-cold responses from women. We recommend that as of
this moment every date you go on from now on, you plan for success.
It is crucial that you be ready for things to go your way. If you
aren't, you will end up a chump and the only one you will be able to
blame is yourself.

BEFORE THE SEDUCTION DATE


We always stress the importance of preparation for a date; you
should know this by now. Planning, after all, is 90 percent of the
work. Imagine all the work set designers do before a movie shoot.


250 / Chapter Eight

They are on site weeks before the actors even show up. They spend
weeks constructing buildings from scratch, parking lots from corn
fields, saloons from barns, anything needed to match the movie
script. After all the preparation is done, the actors stroll onto the set
and shoot the scenes. Filming usually takes place for less than a
month. The designers are there before, during, and after, making

sure everything works as planned.
Successful dating works in much the same way. it requires
hours of pre-work to set the scene. The work is constant. The
demands are great. But the hard work pays off when the actors (you
and her) seem to create magic from thin air. Here are guidelines of
things you must cover before the date.

Assess the attraction level between the two of you

In earlier examples, you saw how effectively Bruce prepared
Wendy for the seduction date. He moved the relationship from mild
interest to having her attracted to him and excited about the next
date, Bob's date wasn't prepared at all. In fact, she seemed uninterested
in him. It seemed likely that she was only dating him out of
politeness, and as a way to get free meals. The different levels of
attraction Bob and Bruce are experiencing shows how they are in
completely different stages of the seduction process. By being brutally
honest with yourself about how much attraction is present, you

can custom design a date that will work effectively,

Here is a short quiz for you to take. Your answers will help you
measure her level of interest in you. If you answer "yes" to three or
more of these questions, she is likely to be quite interested. If you
answer "no" to three or more, there is a minimal connection and

more bonding is necessary.

1. Did she seem interested when you asked her romantic questions?


2. Did she seem excited about the idea of another date, or was
she just being polite?
3. Does she seem willing to alter her schedule to see you?
Does she seem happy when you touch her nonintrusively ordoes she squirm to get away from you?

TheSeduction Date / 251 Has she complimente

6 Have she welcomed discussions of anything sexual?
7 Has she mentioned that she talked about you with her
friends?


By realistically assessing her current level of attraction, you
allow yourself to prepare intelligently for the date. You are likely,
however, to fall into one of two traps. First, you might think that
if you are really attracted to her, she must be really attracted to
you. Remember, you want to assess the amount of attraction
between you, which will probably be mediated by her, not by you.
Second, you may let your fear do the assessing for you, and decide
that there's no way she could be attracted to you. That's not realistic,
either. Look at the situation as if you were an outsider
observing a budding relationship, and make your assessment from
there.

Create a sexual goal for the date

Now that you have measured the degree of attraction between
the two of you, it will be easier to create a sexual goal for the date.
Remember that, by definition, all seduction dates aim to create an
opening for sex.

You want to pick goals that are attainable. It is okay to push
yourself to a new plateau, to stretch and reach beyond where you've
been in the past. But the goal must be doable and realistic. Many
men choose goals that are out of reach, beyond their skill level. They
would rather live in a dreamworld than face up to gritty reality. By
choosing something beyond your skill level, you will hurt your selfconfidence.
By not being honest with yourself, you perpetuate boyish
delusional ways of thinking that will prevent you from the life
you want. If Bob, for instance, really thinks his date will sleep with
him. he is nuts. It would be miraculous for him to even kiss her, given
the way things are going.

While Bob has zero chance with his date, Bruce is likely to bed
Wendy on their seduction date. She has already shown signs of sexual
interest in him, and the chemistry is right. They already have a


252 / Chapter Eight

strong attraction to one another and both seem to like each other. If
he creates and executes a date that she enjoys, sex will probably happen.
whether you are in a situation similar to Bruce or Bob, you
must decide how far you think things can go, and plan from there
Each seduction must be custom designed to match the individual

woman and circumstances.

Make sure the time and place work for you

Do you really have enough free time to devote to a date? If
not, either create the time, or don't have the date. In planning, it is
crucial to make sure you have the free time required to make the
date a success. If you have a demanding job, like most of us, it is likely
that you occasionally are expected to work on weekends, or extra
hours during crunch times. We strongly recommend that you never
mess up your work schedule for a date.

At all times, you must remember that your work is more
important than a woman—especially during the beginning stages of
a relationship. It is lunacy to put your job in jeopardy to date a
woman, no matter how attractive she is. Out of desperation, men
often harm themselves to get women. In the end, acting from desperation
will cause more problems down the road. If you skip work
to be with a woman, you will probably be preoccupied anyhow, and
the date won't work. The solution is to set up a seduction at a time

and place that truly works for you.

Decide how much money you are going to spend on the date

As we discussed earlier, you must decide ahead of time how
much you are willing to spend on the date. Budgeting is important
because it acts as a safety measure to insure that you don't feel
taken advantage of by a woman. Some men tell us that they tend to
feel used by women; they report that women often only seem interested
in dating them so they can get their money. In these situations,
the men end up paying more for the date than expected. At the same
time, they don't get any sex. If you are to avoid falling into this trap,
you decide ahead of time how much you are willing to spend, and

stick to it.


The Seduction Date I 253

Use the information from the priming date to guide how
you plan the seduction date

Priming dates function as fact-finding missions. By asking a

romantic questions, you find out what she looks for in a
man, and what turns her off. You also learn about her likes and dislikes,
interests, and topics to avoid. All of this information, including
your intuitive sense about her, helps you plan the seduction date.
Begin by looking over your notes about the priming date. Go over
everything you know about her. Recall her likes and dislikes, everything
that seemed interesting about her, anything that seemed
wacko, and any other details that stand out. This data will help you
decide where to take her and what the most effective strategy with

her will be.

THE SEVEN STEPS TO A KNOCK-OUT
SEDUCTION DATE


Your success depends upon how you construct the entire date.
Merely taking her to a wonderful park or getting great tickets to an
opera is not enough. You must create the romantic and sexual mood.
Remember, sexual tension is the goal. If you take her to grandiose
places, but don't create the mood of attraction and sexual attention,
everything you do will be pointless. Just as spending money doesn't
insure success, having one great place to go, in a vacuum, doesn't
ensure success either. It must work from start to finish. Here's how
you create a knock-out seduction date.

1. Recall insights you have had about the woman and things she
seems interested in.
2. Make a list of potential places she may enjoy,
3. Pretend that you are her and pick the two that seem the most
romantic and fun.
4. Write down a basic time-line for the date.
5. Find creative ways to string the two activities together.
B While on the date and while planning, constantly ask yourself
what could make the experience more romantic and sensual.


254 / Chapter Eight

When you come up with an answer, figure out how to include

7. Ask yourself what you could do to turn up the fun to the next
level, and add that into your dating structure.
Part of the planning process is to call ahead of time and make
sure the place where the date will happen is actually open. Find out
the hours they are open and if there are places nearby that might
interest you and your date. Also, find out if reservations are needed,
and what the cost will be. If you accomplish all seven steps, but don't
call ahead and make sure the place is even available, you may be

creating another failed date.
Here are two lists; one offers possible places to go on the date,
and one ofplaces to avoid. If you read these lists and still feel stuck,

and one of places to avoid. If you read these lists and still feel stuck,

call her and get her opinions. Most women will be honest with you
about where they'd like to go, and it will help ensure that the date

goes well.

Potential places to take her

A movie in an out-of-the-way or artistic theater

Nature (only if she is a nature lover)

A road trip to a nearby quaint little town or exciting city

A part of town, that is safe, that neither of you frequents

Museums

* Concerts
* Wonderful restaurants
* Beaches
Parks where you can feed bread to birds

Out for ice cream

Amusement parks

Botanical gardens

A drive in the country

* A planetarium
* A wonderful dance club
The Seduction Date I 255

Drive-in movies* Plays
* Zoo
* Aquariums
* Cooking together
* Wine-tasting partiesics
es
* Tourists' spots
* Bike rides
* Comedy clubs
Places to avoid taking her

* Anywhere dangerous
* Martial art demonstrations and professional wrestling
matches
* To a sporting event, unless she specifically mentioned she
loves sports
Anyplace where there will lots of guys who will hit on her
Gory movies

Strip clubs

An enrollment event for your multilevel marketing company

A baseball card convention or Star Trek convention

Any place your buddies hang out

A concert where you aren't sure if she'll like the music

On an overnight trip

Any lecture that could lead to a political argument between

the two of you

A sports bar

A nudist colony

Anyplace too private if you think she still might be afraid of

you

These lists are only partial, and are here to get your imagination
going. Yon will be able to best come up with something that


256 / Chapter Eight

suits her perfectly by listening to her and using your imagination.
Remember, each woman is different, and the ultimate seduction
date might be a total turn-off for another. These lists, however,

should get you started.

The importance of a backup plan

had created the ultimate date for Stephanie. He made
reservations to go on a hot-air balloon ride, after which they would
have a picnic in a nature preserve. After that, he planned that they
would attend a performance of Romeo and Juliet at a nearby outdoor
Shakespeare festival. He knew Stephanie would enjoy every


thing. It all looked perfect,
On the day before the date, he grinned to himself, thinking he
was so cool for planning such an awesome date. He daydreamed
about having sex with Stephanie outside. He imagined pulling into a
country motel because they would both be so full of lust that they
couldn't wait to make it home.
On Saturday Seth woke up to shocking and upsetting news. It
was raining outside. In fact, the sky was dark and thunderstorms
loomed overhead. He panicked, not knowing where else to take
Stephanie, In the end, he canceled the date because he had no other
options. By being overly cocky, and not having a backup plan, Seth
created a losing situation. The same thing can happen to you if you
don't have a backup plan in place because any plan can be ruined at
the last moment. We recommend that you pick three or four places
to take a woman for a date and have them planned out, just in case
any problems occur.

Purchase at least one surprise gif t for her

When Bruce went out with Wendy, he arranged the theme of
the date with her in advance. They both would pretend to be FBI
agents on a bust. Every stop on their road-trip was part of an imaginary
afternoon-long chase. This was off-the-wall enough be memorable
and fun. Assigning Wendy the position of FBI agent provided
her a fun type of power from the start. Bruce was able to flirt with
her as though she was Agent Scully and he was Agent Mulder of the

The Seduction Date I 257

•TV show "The X-Files." This opened the door for comments about
handcuffs, seducing an officer to get out of trouble, and much more.
Bruce surprised her with several gifts along the same lines. He
bought toy handcuffs for her. These were funny, and also invoked an
erotic, sexual mood. To go with the cuffs, he also bought toy squirt
guns and police badges. He even created on his computer a silly version
of a search warrant for her to carry. In the document, he included
a stipulation that she could strip search anyone she met, including
her FBI partner. He had them all gift wrapped. She laughed and
was thrilled to receive them.
Bruce also purchased a few gifts that were more traditionally

romantic. For example, he got a small box of chocolates for her. He
told her this was for their "celebration" when they caught their criminal.
He also purchased a bookmark, with quotes from her favorite
author. All totaled, he spent about $10 on the gifts. In her mind it
seemed as though he went to great lengths to create a perfect date
for her. These gave him many "brownie points." It was also fun for
Bruce. He got a kick out of pretending to be an agent and seeing her
happy. Creating fun for both of you is a great way to ignite the magic

of romance,

Be prepared

Like any Boy Scout, you must be prepared for every circum


stance. For those of you who have been paying even the slightest

amount of attention, the following list of things will be old hat. By

the time you are done reading this book, they will hopefully be sec


ond nature. For those of you not paying attention, let's go through it

again. Remember to:

* Clean your car
* Bring condoms
* Clean your bedroom
* Put clean sheets on your bed
* Have candles in the bedroom ready to use
* Make sure your roommate won't barge in on you
* Dress for success

258 / Chapter Eight

Generate romantic questions to ask her

The priming date chapter covered how to create romantic

questions. We recommend that you memorize them and practice

them often. On the priming date, you peppered them into the con


versations throughout the date, created romantic feelings, and gath


ered information about her. You may have had some full-blown

romantic conversations, but because the date was short, they were

short. The seduction date is different. We suggest you get into longer

and deeper conversations about romantic topics. Your romantic and

exciting settings will make this easy.

During the first hour of his seduction date with Jodi, Shane

began asking her about her most passionate kiss. At first he joking


ly asked her these questions. He was surprised at her detailed

answers. Jodi described how good the man's tongue felt in her

mouth, and how much she enjoyed being close to a man. She went

on and on, leaving Shane shocked. Finally, after discussing various

kissing techniques, he went for the kiss. That began a long and hot

make-out session.
The success that Shane experienced stemmed from his ability
and willingness to use romantic questions on seduction dates. It is
important that they be used to open up longer conversations. Many
of the questions can be used as foreplay throughout the date.

Memorize her phone number

During our interviews, several women noted that they were
impressed when a man memorized their phone number. Though it
may sound trivial to you, they found it to be a sign that the guy was
thinking of them often, and it made them feel special. It is an easy
feat to accomplish, and will help shed a better light on you in the

future.

Get psyched up

Use the techniques we described in Chapter 3 to get yourself
ready for the date.

The Seduction Date I 259

MASTERING THE SEDUCTION DATE

It is a major accomplishment to get this far. You should congratulate
yourself and be proud. By getting this far you are way ahead of 90
percent of other single men and you are certainly on the right course.

Look at some of the hoops you've already jumped through: you
asked her out; survived at least one priming date; prepared your
clothing, car and apartment; created a great seduction date plan;
prepared for sexual success; practiced romantic questions; created a

time-line and a budget; createda back-up plan, and much more. She will never know all th

do, and we salute you. You are very close to being a true Seducer.

If you have laid the foundation properly, the date should go
well. If you haven't, problems are inevitable. Whether you have
done the pre-work or not, it is important that you put it all behind
you once the date starts. On the date, focus your attention on her. It
will go much more smoothly if you tune all the expectations,
thoughts, opinions, and regrets out of your head. We know this is
very difficult, and something few people can do perfectly. But if you
can do it, every seduction will go better.

Be punctual

Though a seduction date goes at a different pace than a priming
date, it is still important for you to be on time. Based on our
research and personal experiences, dates flow best when they start
on time. Women tend to respect men who are punctual compared to
men who tend to be late. Which man would you count on in a pinch?
Who would you want as a husband? One who is on time, or one who
is late? Punctuality is a wonderful habit to have. It gives you breathing
time and helps you concentrate on the date, rather than on how
you are going to explain to her why you are tardy.

Be exceptionally polite

A great number of men have a hard time understanding modern
day dating norms. In a time of extreme political correctness and
dramatic change, they repeatedly comment on being confused about


260 I Chapter Eight

how to treat women. "I've been on dates over the past year where
the women got mad when I opened the door for them," one guy said.
We know it can be puzzling to know how to act around women. As
a rule of thumb, we highly recommend you conduct yourself as a
man with exceptional manners. For example, open doors for her,
take her coat when you go out, help her with her coat when she puts
it back on, make sure she sits at a table before you do, and don't start
eating a meal before she does.

You can't please every woman all the time. AH you can do is
behave consistent with your beliefs. If a woman is offended that you
open a door for her. just listen to her complaint and use the ninestep
process for handling complaints that we'll show you at the end
of this chapter. Get past it, and move on with the date.

Treat a woman differently from the way you treat

your buddies

It is important that you watch how often you use "vulgar" language,
and that you act as "civilized" as possible. The hackneyed
cliche, "there is a time and place for everything," is useful in this situation.
When you are with your buddies, it's great to eat with your
hands, swear, burp, fart loudly and laugh about it, drink beer from a
can, and slap the guy next to you on the back. These behaviors don't
cut it on a date. Most of us know this intuitively, but often fail to

manage ourselves properly on a date itself.
In our research for this book, numerous women told us that
men show up for dates smelly, and dressed like slobs. They also told
us that many men do stupid things to "ruin" the date, The man might
burp loudly and then laugh to himself, or maybe he talks about how
his co-workers are stupid, and may even indulge in "colorful" language.
When you do these things, the woman will disqualify you for
"lover material" and start planning how to cut the date short. By
being clear about which behaviors are appropriate around women
and which aren't, you will avoid these dating pitfalls,

Focus on your date, not other women

You probably don't even realize it, but if you are like most
men, you constantly look at women on the street, in bars, in restau-

The Seduction Date I 261

everywhere. For a si
not ogle at the attractive
what women are like in bed, if their breasts are real, and what the
chances are of dating them. These are perfectly natural reactions.

While it is all right to look at women on the street, when you
are on a date it is totally unacceptable. Do you want to blow the date
and lose the respect of the woman you are with? Of course not.
When you stare incessantly at other women, she will probably feel
angry, jealous, and sad. When she feels upset, it is more work for you,
and delays creating the sexual mood.

The first step is to realize that you habitually check out women.
The next step is to decrease the frequency with which you do it.
Third, when you find yourself doing it on a date, stop instantly. After
a while you will have a handle on this habit.

Darrell was on a seduction date with Betsy. They were having
a fun time at the zoo. It was summer, and they sat on a park bench
in the shade eating snow cones. Sitting on a nearby bench were two
amazing looking 20-year-old women who, frankly, were much more
attractive than Betsy. They both wore very short skirts and tight
shirts. Their breasts were nearly popping out, and their nipples were
clearly visible. Darrell couldn't stop staring at them.

After a few minutes, it became obvious to both Betsy and the
young women that he was checking them out. Betsy became upset
and threatened to leave if he didn't stop. "Why did you even ask me
out if all you are going to do is look at other women?" she asked.
"Don't you think I'm attractive? I thought we were having a romantic
time and I was starting to Like you, but now I am not so sure." It
took hours for Darrell to regain the mood he had lost in the park. He
learned the hard way that while it is natural to look, you must restrain
yourself from checking out other women when you are on a date.

Be affectionate

Most men have a difficult time being affectionate.They reserve
affectionate words and touching for the bedroom. In day-to-day life,
men are apt to worry about being viewed as "soft" or wimpy.
Women, however, love it. You can speed up your seduction and
begin to "sweep a woman off her feet" by being affectionate.


262 / Chapter Eight

Affection can take the form of compliments. Here are a fewexamples:

Joyce, I really enjoy spending time with you. I am amazed at
how close I feel to you after such a short time."
"I must tell you that you look even more beautiful on this date
than I've ever seen you look before. It is a delight to be able to look
at you."

"I am having such a fun time being with you. I want to thank
you for being such a great date and being so easy-going about theplans today.
"Joyce, you are the type of woman I've been waiting to meet
for a long, long time. You are a very special woman and I really
appreciate being with you."

What links all the above examples together is that the woman
is thanked, complimented, and acknowledged. You must do this in
your own way, in your own unique style. If you use our words, and
they are contrary to your own, your affectionate words will sound

awkward and insincere.
More frequently, affection is expressed through actions. These
can be soft and gentle touching, notes, a quick phone call, or a surprise
gift. The same rules apply, as we discussed earlier. The action
must acknowledge, compliment, and thank her in some way,
Ben took Erin to the movies. They saw the latest "chick flick."
Toward the end of the movie one of the main characters was on her
deathbed in the hospital. The character was explaining to her
granddaughter all the hardships of growing up on a farm in the
1930s. Erin began crying during the scene. Ben thought the scene
was silly and unrealistic. However, he reached for Erin's hand when
she began to cry, and offered her a tissue. In that moment, he displayed
affection and caring for her. She was impressed at his level
of sensitivity.
Later, when they sat drinking coffee, Erin complained about
her stiff neck. Ben offered to rub it, and proceeded to do so for several
minutes. He also wrote a short romantic note to her, and made
sure to put it in her jacket during the movie. She found it later in the
date. All of his actions were examples of being affectionate toward
her. They are all small actions that yield large results down the road.

The Seduction Date I 263

Touch her at least six times

During the priming date you began touching the woman non


intrusively. You did this to set the stage for more affectionate touch


ing On the seduction date more deliberate touch is required. You

want her to be frequently reminded that you are interested in her.

By setting a precedent of touching her, you build a mood of sensu


ality for later.

You may wish to hold her hand, touch her face lightly, touch

her hair, run your fingers on her neck, or touch her back and waist.

We highly discourage you from touching her breasts, butt, lips, or

thighs. It is important that you kiss her before touching any of these

"private" areas. You must start small and build from there.

Warning: some women will be uncomfortable with you touching
them so often. While they may even like you, and want to sleep
with you, they may feel freaked out. Always pay attention to a
woman's response. It is crucial that you be respectful and don't
upset her. Realize that religion, culture, and family norms all play a
part in how she responds to you, A highly religious woman may feel
uncomfortable no matter how you touch her, while another might
enjoy holding hands and passionate kissing in public. It all depends
on the woman. It is your job to note her reactions, and act accord


ingly.

Compliment her often

One of the best ways to make a woman feel special is through
compliments. It is important, however, that you be truthful when
you compliment her. Women are highly skilled in their ability to
spot insincerity, and can usually spot a lie a mile away. If they think
you are lying, they will undoubtedly hold it against you.

Women are likely to be flattered if you compliment them on
something most guys wouldn't notice. We've explained how important
it is for you to set yourself apart from other men. When you
compliment a woman in a sincere manner about something most
people don't notice, she is likely to be impressed. For example, noticing
an interesting barrette in her hair or a necklace will show her
that you are aware of more than her breasts or her butt.


264 / Chapter Eight

Here are a few examples of things to compliment her on: the
clothes she is wearing, her eyes, an article of jewelry, her smile her
hands, an intelligent remark she makes, her presence, or her sense of

humor.

While on a canoe ride, Zach and Chris had a deep conversation
about Eastern religions. He was surprised at how much she knew
about the subject and immediately complimented her. Later on, he
told her how cute she looked with a canoe paddle in hand and a life
preserver around her neck. He also commented on how good her
hair looked in the sun. By paying attention to Chris, Zach had an
easy time coming up with several ways to compliment her.

Talk about upbeat topics

It is important to discuss upbeat topics. We don't mean that you
come across as some Pollyanna type of guy, who is always smiling
and happy-go-lucky. We do say that being negative and criticizing
everyone and everything will not work either. If you frequently discuss
harsh topics, complain, talk about things you hate, insult your
date, and seem preoccupied with sex, the date won't go well.
Remember, the purpose of the date is for her to have fun and enjoy
being with you. If you create a negative mood through your conversations,
she will likely find you creepy and look for ways to avoid
you. After all, most of us avoid being around people who scare us, or
who seem nuts. Your date is not any different.

Some men also tend to be overly serious. This works just as
badly as discussing death or war or how much you hate your job.
You create fun by talking about upbeat topics, and this helps he

woman relax.
Bob was a strong believer in recycling. He shared his views
with Carla on a seduction date. He admitted that he hated the mayor
of their city for being so lax in his recycling campaign. "The mayor
is such a jerk," he said. "I think politicians are mostly morons. Many
of them would be better shot than serving our communities. Don't
you agree?" Carla became nervous with Bob's violent comments.
Though she too believed in recycling, his intensity scared her. If he
had said the same thing in a milder manner, Carla could have dis-

The Seduction Date / 265

ssed the topic with him, and even agreed. Instead, he looked like
a freak.
On his date with Wendy, Bruce told her about many of the
international trips he had taken in his life. He shared his experiences
visiting the rainforest in Brazil and climbing in the Swiss Alps. While
he was forthright about a few political issues that came up on the
date, he made sure Wendy always felt like she was part of the conversation.
Bruce frequently asked Wendy about her opinions. He
made sure not to say things that would be construed as too intense
or harsh, and often brought the conversation back to upbeat topics
when it threatened to get glum.

Topics to avoid discussing

* Controversial topics that could offend her
* Anything too overtly sexual
* Violence
* Death
* Children being harmed or abducted
* How much you hate your boss or job
* The IRS
* How much you hate marriage
* Your fascination with serial killers
* How you collect cigars
* Past girlfriends
* How often you like to have sex
* Cruelty to animals, especially cats and dogs
* Topics she is not interested in, like cars, math, Star Trek,
Babylon-5, Doctor Who, computers, sports, or others,
* Your bad habits that you really need to overcome
Make decisions

On a seduction date it is important that you come across as
confident. Women want to know that you are comfortable with


266 / Chapter Eight

yourself and not apologetic for who you are. We've said it before

and we'll say it again: one easy way to demonstrate confidence is to

be decisive: in planning the date, when talking to her about where to

go next, what restaurant you desire, what table to sit at in the restau

rant, what music to listen to in the car, and what section of the muse


um to check out first.

At the same time, you don't want to come across as a control

freak, or a condescending jerk. Just remember this: a man kills a date

when he constantly responds with "I don't care what we do next.

What do you want to do?" or, "I don't know," in the face of a deci


sion. Being wishy-washy shows that you lack confidence and lack

direction. Make decisions on the date and you will increase her level

of respect for you. If you haven't learned this yet, learn it now.

Listen to her opinions

As we mentioned before, it is important that you take her opin


ions seriously and always include her in the decision making process.

Many women complain that men don't listen to them, don't care

about what they think or feel. When women express their opinions,

men tend to view them as nagging, or as a demand, it is natural to

feel this way. However, it is still important, whether you think she is

being a nag or not, to listen to her opinion and to let her talk.

When a woman begins opening up to you, it means that she has
begun to view you as a potential mate. She trusts you enough to tell you
her thoughts, opinions, and ideas. One of the hidden costs of dating is
that you will have to put up with things you don't want to. Our advice
is to notice when you arc upset or annoyed when the woman talks too
much or is overly demanding, and simply keep listening anyway,

Cheryl loved to talk. Talk, talk, talk. She spouted off her opinions
to anyone who would listen. Dean was attracted to her, but
occasionally could not stand to listen to her nonstop talking and

unfounded opinions.
Dean's tendency was to argue with women. He would meet a
woman, they would date for a few weeks and he would finally tell

her what he really thought about her and her opinions. She would,
of course, promptly dump him. After a few years of repeating this
pattern over and over again, he realized that the way he interacted

TheSeductionDate/ 2 women fundamentall

students and his problems soon vanished. He realized that

men mostly want someone to just listen and take their opinions

iously, so he stopped getting upset. He found out that he could be

bored when Cheryl talked, while still listening to her. He also

noticed that after a few minutes Cheryl would usually be done giv


ing her opinions, and the date could continue. Because he listened to

her Cheryl felt very close to him, and wanted to be sexual.

FROM RAGING BULL TO PURRING KITTEN
IN NINE EASY STEPS

As you've seen, seduction dates are dramatically different from
priming dates. But problems do occur on seduction dates. Given
how much time you are spending together and the fact that romantic
feelings will likely be in the air, you both may be more tense than
usual. She will be off in her own world thinking of reasons why or
why not you could be a couple. You will probably be off in your
world thinking of the stupid things you've said, worrying about
whether she is having fun, and wondering when you'll get to see her
naked. All this can create trouble.

Another thing that makes seduction dates even more volatile
than priming dates is that by this time you both have more of an
investment in each other than you did before. This creates expectation
and tension, which can create problems.

You'll know you have a problem if she gets upset about anything.
You may say or do something that offends her, or that goes
against her values. The two of you together might have an upsetting
experience, and she may need to talk about it. No matter what happens
to upset her, the solution is the same. This model is effective on
any date, with any woman, at any step along the way. If you modify
some of the steps, you can use them in long-term relationship conflicts
as well.

1, Listen to her

When they are upset, most women just want someone (you) to
listen to them. If your date can express her problem, concern, or mis



268 ( Chapter Eight

understanding early enough, it will likely go away easily. We recommend
that you just listen without interrupting her, or trying to fix it
When you listen to her, she is likely to calm down quickly.

2. Repeat back what you heard
A woman not only wants to know you listened to her, but she
also wants to make sure you completely understand everything she
said. When you repeat back what you heard her say, it gives you an
opportunity to clarify anything you may have misunderstood, and
an opportunity to demonstrate that you really are listening, which

will also help calm her down.

3. Thank her
Even if you feel angry that she is telling you all her thoughts
and opinions, and you really couldn't possibly care less, thank her for
taking the time and the risk to talk to you. In her world, she is taking
a risk by telling you her problems or concerns. By getting it off
her chest, so to speak, she is likely to feel more relaxed and more

connected to you.
She may also be testing to see how you respond. When you
thank her, she can see that you are caring and sensitive. It also foreshadows,
for her, how you might respond during a future conflict.
When you behave like a gentleman and respond like a caring guy,
she will trust you more, and want to be sexual with you.

4. Continue to listen to her
It is likely that after she has one problem, another will surface
in conjunction with the first. Once again, let her tell you any other
problem she feels is necessary. Your job is to listen, repeat it back to

her, and to thank her.

5. Make promises and apologies
If you follow the previous four steps, she will calm down. When
she stops taking for a minute, we advise you to promise to do or not
to do whatever the action or behavior was that got her upset in the

The Seduction Date 269

first place. It is also important to apologize for anything you did to

cause her to be upset.

If, for instance, you made the mistake of criticizing dogs

because they tend to urinate all over the place, and she was upset

because she loves dogs, you would promise not to criticize them

again. Next, you would apologize for hurting her feelings with your

insensitivity.

6, If you really, truly don't care

If she has a huge problem with something you think is insignificant,
determine if you want to end the date or not. Determine if you
think sex will happen. If you are attracted to her and foresee future
dates with her, and if you can honestly do so, apologize. If she
doesn't seem worth the hassle, end the date then and there. Quit
wasting your time and hers. If she does seem worth it, let all your
frustrations go, and move on to the next step,

• Let it allgo
Given that she was upset, you are likely to be also. We strongly
recommend that you don't fan the fire by telling her your opinions
or showing her your anger. You have to keep yourself focused
on your long-term goals. If you tell her all your opinions, show her
how much she upsets you, and logically prove how very wrong she
is, the date will likely fail. If you want success, you must let it go.

8. Compliment her
Not only do you have to apologize and thank her, we also recommend
that you compliment her again to end the whole thing.
Most guys who make it through these steps fail to leave the conversation
on a good note. Complimenting her leaves the whole conflict
clean and complete. Then you can move on to something easier and
more fun. She will likely be impressed if you compliment her on her
ability to be straight with you and on her communication skills.

9. Repeat this process as many times as it takes
Then get on with the date.


270 / Chapter Eight

AFTER-THE-DATE "DID" CHECKLIST

Made sure the date lasted at least four hours
Made her feel special
Gave her at least one small gift
Took her outside her normal environment
Had surprises on the date
Paid for the date
Were flexible with time
Made her smile and/or laugh at least one time


* Planned for success
* Assessed the attraction level
* Created a sexual goal for the date
* Scheduled the date at times that work for you
* Decided ahead of time how much money you were willing to
spend and stuck to that amount
* Used information from the priming date to guide the date
* Took her to a romantic spot during the date
* Used seductive language (seduce, attraction, falling in love,
romance, etc.,) seven times
* Used interested body language
* Whispered at least once
* Constructed the date using the method we recommend
* Created a backup plan
* Prepared yourself and your surroundings
* Memorized her phone number
* Got psyched up before the date
* Were punctual for the date
* Acted with exceptional manners
* Treated the woman differently from your buddies
* Focused on your date, not other women.
* Were affectionate
* Touched her at least six times
The Seduction Date 1 271

* Kissed her at least two times
* Complimented her often
* Were easy and fun to be around
* Talked about upbeat topics
* Made decisions
* Listened to her opinions.
AFTER-THE-DATE "DIDN'T" CHECKLIST

* Didn't treat her like a friend
* Didn't insult her
* Didn't complain
* Didn't complain about other women
* Didn't check out other women
* Didn't grab her ass
* Didn't rely on her for certainty that the date was going well
* Didn't allow yourself to get upset when you forgot your lines,
etc.* Didn't take anything she said or did personally.

HOW TO END THE SEDUCTION DATE


If you've done all the steps we recommend, the date should end
with you both feeling romantic and sexy Since you have planned for
success, you will end the date near someplace where you can explore
each other's bodies. As the date nears an end, timing becomes even
more significant. We recommend that you be romantic and sexy during
the entire date so that you will "naturally" end up in one of your
bedrooms, or any other place that seems right to kiss and do more.
If there is sexual chemistry and the mood is right when you get to
the end of the seduction date, go for it. In the next two chapters, we
will show you how to get the first kiss, get her into bed, and be the
lover of her dreams.



chapter nine...

Closing
the Deal:
The First Kiss
and More


On the rare occasions that Bob has actually attempted to kiss
a woman, everything has gone wrong. Having decided that he was
sick of being alone and that it was time he "made his move" on his
friend Sherry, he invited her to see an artistic, x-rated film at the
local foreign film theater.

During the film, which showed many people having sex, Bob
noticed that Sherry was sitting as far from him as possible without
actually moving to a different seat. In view of that, he decided not to
put his arm around her. After all, he reasoned, why make her
uncomfortable? They were both watching people have sex: of course
she would just naturally want him the way he wanted her.

After the film, Bob was almost shaking with nervousness, but
figured that they had just seen a (sort of) romantic movie, so it was
now or never. While still in the lobby, he took Sherry by the shoulders
and tried to kiss her. She recoiled, pulling away from him and
turning her face aside. "Please!" she said. "Bob, I like you as a
friend! As a friend!" He was crushed, and when Sherry said "I must
leave now," he didn't even walk her back to her car. His first kiss had
failed, and he was alone again.

Paul had been dating a therapist named Annie. It was their
third date, and he noticed, once again, that she seemed cold and dis



274 Chapter Nine

tant. "She's boring," he told himself. For the rest of the evening, Paul

didn't touch her, didn't wink at her, and did nothing to make her feel

romantic. "After all," Paul told himself, "I don't really care about

her, anyway. Why put out all the effort?" They went to a poetry read


ing, where he told her, "I'm tired. Let's go," He took her back to her

house, no longer concealing his boredom with her. As they sat in his

car, just in front of her house, he said to her, "How about a kiss?" Of

course, she said no. Why should she kiss a guy who was trying to

ditch her? She got out of the car, and Paul went home.

Men often ask us why getting the first kiss is hard for them.

They find themselves ready for it, but the right time never seems to

come. Or they wait for the woman to make the first move, which she

almost never does. They find themselves waiting for that one woman

who is so obviously attracted to them, with whom the chemistry is so

overwhelmingly great, that the first kiss seems to "just happen."

While such chemistry does exist in the world, and most men have

experienced at least one time when getting sexually involved with a

woman seemed easy and effortless, if you wait for "magic" to hap


pen, yon will have a long, long wait.

If you learn nothing else from this book, learn this: waiting for
magic, and hoping that something good happens, will never get you
the life you want. It won't give you the sex-life you want with
women, and it won't give you the results you want in the rest of your
life either. Besides, being a man who waits and hopes for magic will
actually make you less attractive to women, who tend to go for men
who actively create the lives they want. You must commit yourself
to learn what it takes to create the life you want, and follow through
until you achieve that result. When it comes to the first kiss (and
more), you can't wait for magic. You have to learn and apply the
necessary technology. Waiting for magic will leave you lonely once

again.

THE SECRET OF GETTING THE FIRST KISS

The secret of getting the first kiss is so simple that, once you
understand it, getting it will be a trivial risk rather than a huge event
for the rest of your life. The secret is the pre-work. By the time you
go for that kiss you must have her so ready, so prepared, and so

Closing the Deal- The First Kiss and More I 275

desiring that kiss that she is more than ready to go. Once again, it's
like lighting a camp stove. If you just lunge at the stove with a lit
match, of course it won't light. If the stove doesn't light, the problem
isn't with the match you are using, how you are holding it, or the way
you struck the match on the box. It's not a defective camp stove and
it doesn't hate you. You just haven't primed it properly. If you focus
on thinking that you are doing something wrong during the lighting
stage, when the problem is that you haven't primed the stove properly,
nothing you do will work.

The first kiss—and the first time having sex—is the same. If you
prime the woman properly, the kiss is easy and seems natural. Men
believe that getting the first kiss is difficult, or that there must be
some complicated move or line that they are missing. They tend to
focus on the wrong side of the problem. Understand this: the end of
the date is too late to start preparing her for your kiss. Rather than
focusing on the moment of the first kiss, you need to focus on taking
the proper steps leading up to it.

When Bob goes for his first kiss with Sherry, he's done none of
the necessary pre-work. First, Sherry sees him as a friend, and he's
never given her any reason not to. He hasn't shown any romantic
interest before his attempted kiss. If he had, he would have found
out that she wasn't interested. Knowing this ahead of time would
have pre-qualified her out of the running before he wasted time dating
her. He even ignored our advice to ask romantic questions on
the date as a way to set the mood. By taking her to an erotic film,
without any romantic prelude, Bob created a situation which made
her scared of him. Then he had the nerve to wonder why the first
kiss seemed hard to get!

Paul makes similar bonehead mistakes. Once he decides that
Annie isn't worth the trouble, he stops doing anything romantic. He
treats her like a woman he wants to get rid of, then is surprised
when she doesn't want to kiss him! Both these men wonder what
they did wrong at the moment they went for the kiss. They couldn't
possibly be looking in a worse place for the answer to their prob


lem.
Bob and Paul need to be more like Bruce. Bruce realizes that
the first kiss is simply a result of properly making romantic moves
earlier in the date. When he first kisses Wendy, she is ready for it. He


276 I Chapter Nine

pre-qualified her as an interested woman immediately, and showed
his romantic interest consistently. He asked romantic questions, and
engaged her in romantic conversations. He did everything we
describe in this chapter. By the time he went for the first kiss, she
was ready and willing, and responded passionately. Bruce knows
that the first kiss is not difficult. It's the work that leads up to it that
he knows he must pay attention to.

REVIEW OF THE PRE-WORK

By this time, you already know most of what you must do to get
a woman thinking romantically about you. If you need more information
about these things, re-read this book! The preceding chapters
have covered everything you need to know to prime a woman

for physical involvement with you.
Before going for the first kiss, you must have:

* Asked the romantic questions
* Conducted the romantic conversations
* Touched her hand
* Looked into her eyes, a little too long
* Touched her nonintrusively and casually
* Made decisions quickly and easily
* Made her smile and/or laugh
* Been clear about your goals
* Made your romantic interest known
* Gathered information about her romantic needs
* Fulfilled her romantic needs on the Seduction Date
* Complimented her five times
* Checked out her body in the way specified
* Used seductive language (seduce, attraction, falling in love,
romance, etc.) seven times
* Used interested body language
* Whispered to her
Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 277

These are the bare-bones basics. If you haven't done most of
these things, don't even consider the first kiss. Go back and do them
more. Create more romantic conversations. Put her into more
romantic situations. Get the basics handled, then move on.

After you've done the pre-work, there are only two steps left
for you: testing her readiness, and going for the kiss.

TESTING HER READINESS

When you are going for the first kiss, certain conditions must
be met, or your attempted kiss will fail. Until all of these conditions
are met, you might as well not go for it; she's only going to say no. If,
on the other hand, you have fulfilled these conditions, feel free to
try! She's ready. You should know, however, that these conditions
may be met faster than they are in the examples in this book. If the
chemistry is there and if it "feels right," no matter when it comes, go
for the kiss. This may be at the end of, or even during, the priming
date. It may even be before the priming date, when you notice that
her stove is primed and ready to be lit. It can even be when you first
meet a woman, if she's attracted to you and the energy is right.

The conditions you must meet before going for the first kiss
are:

* She is not surprised by the kiss.
* She is thinking of the kiss, and more.
* She knows that you want her, and likes the idea.
But how can you know if these conditions are met? We've
developed a series of tests for our students to use before they go for
the first kiss. These tests will tell you if your date is ready, and help
continue to prepare her at the same time. We suggest you perform
these tests, and check out her responses, before you try for it.

Touching Tests

You can test her readiness by gauging her responses to casual
and romantic touching. Casual touching is simple and fast. It's when


278 I Chapter Nine

your fingers touch her when you give her a cup of coffee, or when

you touch her arm or back to guide her to the table you've selected

Casual touching is ambiguous; you might be touching her as a

friend, or you might be touching her as a potential lover, Romantic

touching is more intrusive. If you are touching and holding her hand.

or rubbing her arm, or keeping your hand on any part of her body

for more than a few seconds, you are touching her romantically.

You want her to welcome longer and longer periods of touch

from you. First, touch her casually, and see how she responds. More

than likely, she will have no visible response at all. If she pulls away,

keep your touching extremely brief, and keep up your romantic con


versations. If she continuously shrugs away from your touch, consid


er getting rid of her and moving on. There's no reason to stay with a

woman who is cold, unresponsive, and doesn't want to be romantic

with you.

If she does respond positively, touch her for longer periods of

time. If she gets more relaxed and animated, if her skin flushes, or if

her eyes get shiny and reflective, these are all signs of positive

response. In this scenario, move to putting your hand on hers for

longer periods. Don't make a big deal of this, just let it seem to hap


pen.

The hug test

One way to find out how a woman feels about you is to see how
she responds to being hugged. Like casual touching, hugging is
something you can usually get a woman to accept just by doing it.
When you hug a woman and don't make a big deal out of it, much
of the time she'll just assume that you are a guy who hugs, and not
make a big deal out of it either.

We usually recommend that you avoid hugging a woman much
before you are having sex with her. Hugging is a friendly thing to do,
rather than a lover-ly thing to do. If she gets use to being in your
arms without kissing you, it's easy for her to resolve the apparent
incongruity by telling herself that you are simply a friend. Also, hugging
is a time when men who are starved for touch accidentally show
some desperation. They grab hold, get caught up in how good it feels
to them (rather than to her), squeeze too hard, and don't let go. One

Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 279

man told us about a guy she met at a party who hugged her when

was leaving, after knowing her for less than an hour. "He hugged

then put his hands on my hips, and held me close while he said

ood-bye to me. It seemed really weird to be held there. I felt like I
couldn't get away." The hug is a chance to screw up, so if you do it,
you want to be sure to do it properly.

The first rule of hugging a woman that you are dating is that
you keep it short. Short, short, short. Use it as a test of her readiness,
not as a chance to get your sexual or touch needs met. You'll get
enough of that later on. When saying hello or good-bye to her, you
can often simply take her in your arms and hug her. If you keep it
short, it won't scare her, and you'll be able to gauge her response.
Does she press into you? Does she seem to want to really hang on?
That's a good sign, and you might want to move to kissing her right
then. If she seems to want to get away, then you know you have
more work to do in making her feel romantic feelings.

The face kiss test

Along with hugging, you can try face-kissing. This is when you
kiss her cheek, to see how she responds. If she leans into the kiss, and
smiles, she's into it, and will be receptive to your lip-kiss later. If she
pulls back, or winces, then it's back to the drawing board again. She
most certainly won't be receptive to a lip-kiss if she won't take one
on the cheek willingly.

Enthusiasm test

You can also gauge a woman's level of interest by her level of
enthusiasm. This will be shown in her overall demeanor, but it's best
shown in the time between one activity and the next. It's between the
activities that you do together, rather than during them, that she has
the best opportunity to claim she is tired and needs to go home.
Watch her level of interest. After the movie, is she eager to go out
for coffee or a drink, or does she seem reluctant? Does she seem to
be looking for a juncture at which she can end the date, or is she up
for partying with you all night long? It's these "between spaces" that

tell you her level of interest.



280 / Chapter Nine

When Mike went out with Kary, he was careful to notice how
she behaved between events. He took her to the local botanical gardens
for their seduction date, and afterwards, invited her to get some
ice cream with him. "Great!" she said. He knew that she was enthusiastic,
and would probably be interested and responsive when he

tried to kiss her later.
A few weeks earlier, when he had taken Kelly to that same
botanical gardens, she had said "Well. I really have to get going, I've
got a lot of work to do, so...well..." At this point he knew she
wasn't interested, and that she probably wouldn't be responsive to a
kiss. He let her leave at once, and didn't ask her to stay, whine, or,
most important, try to kiss her.

Pretend kiss test

This test also primes the woman for your kiss. You begin by
moving towards her, as if to kiss her, at some point "change your
mind," and back off again. If, as you move toward her, she backs
away, she probably doesn't want to kiss you. If she stays still, or
moves slightly forward, she's probably interested. The pretend kiss
can "seal the deal" for the real kiss later. If she hasn't moved away,
then you both have acknowledged that a kiss in inevitable, and it's

only a matter of time.
When Bruce seduces Wendy, he does all the pre-work. As the
date progresses, he also tests her readiness by touching her, hugging
her and kissing her face, noticing her level of enthusiasm moving
from one activity to another, her responsiveness to compliments,
and her response to his "pretend kiss." All these actions also
improve her readiness for the kiss. Anytime he gets a response he
doesn't like, he returns to building their sense of connection by
doing more of the pre-work. By the time he goes for the kiss, her
response is passionate and displays obvious interest.

TEST CHECKLIST

For your convenience, here is a list of the tests.

* Touching Test
Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 281

* Hug Test
* Face Kiss Test
* Enthusiasm Test
* Compliment Test
* Pretend Kiss Test
GOING FOR THE FIRST KISS

If you've done the pre-work, and she's responded well to the
tests, you are ready to move ahead, and kiss her for the first time.
She's well-primed, ready, and all will almost certainly go smoothly.
We have to cover only a few elements of technique to finish your
preparation.

Timing

In every sexual and romantic interaction, timing is everything.
When you go to kiss a woman, you have to be in a romantic moment
right now. Not yesterday, not a few minutes ago, not last week on the
phone. In time and with practice, you'll learn to feel romantic
moments as you create them. When the romantic moment is present,
make your move. Don't wait to kiss her outside her door, like men
do on TV and in the movies. When the mood is there, go for it. You
never know how long the mood will last, and it may not come back
for hours.

Timing is one of the most difficult skills to teach. Learning this
art requires practice, and a willingness to mess up. We believe that
good timing is natural to all men—we just do things that destroy it.
With that in mind, we can tell you the basic blocks that destroy it in
romantic interactions with women:

1. Lack of confidence kills timing. By now, this should sound
like a broken record to you, but we keep repeating it so it will
become ingrained in your brain. Managing your confidence level
with women is one of the most important things you can do. The
biggest way men destroy their confidence is to look to the woman
for assurance from her that the date is going well. Don't do it. Go
with your gut, and move when you feel certain the time is right.

282 I Chapter Nine

2, Being attached to the outcome kills timing. When you are
acting with complete confidence, you are fully present in the
moment, paying attention to what is going on around you. If you are
worrying that your desired outcome won't happen, you won't be
paying attention to the woman in front of you. Because you won't

be paying attention, you'll mess up. Let go of your outcome—she's

either going to respond, or she isn't. When you are relaxed and are
goal-focused, while knowing that anything that happens is fine, you
will have much better timing.

3. The wrong attitude kills timing. Just like for the rest of the
date, your attitude should be one of confidence, caring, yet a bit distant,
knowing that if this woman won't kiss you, another will. You
must show her that she is special and you enjoy her company, but
have many other loves as well.
The biggest way to destroy your attitude is to think that having
success with this woman, today, will be the thing that validates your
life. How many times must we say it? Nice as it is to be successful
with women, you shouldn't base your self-image on whether or not
the woman you are dating wants to have sex with you. Keeping that
in mind will help create the proper attitude for that first kiss, and
make you more attractive to her.

HOW TO GO FOR THE FIRST KISS

So you've done your pre-work, run some tests, and think she is
ready for the kiss. You feel confident, have given up your outcome,
and you are both feeling the romantic mood. How do you go for that

first kiss?
There are four ways. They are: the "just do it" method, the
"ask" method, the "announce" method, and the "she kisses you"
method. Let's go over these methods one at a time.

The "just do it" method

When the feeling is right, you simply kiss her. This can happen
in many different ways, depending on the circumstances. It may

Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More / 283

work best to take her in your arms; it may work best to simply lean

over and kiss her lightly. The details will change depending on the
situation, but the foundation of this method is consistent. You kiss
her, you just-do-it, and don't worry.

The "ask" method

In this politically correct world of ours, this is the most legally
appropriate approach to getting the first kiss. After all, kissing a
woman without her permission can be considered assault. Of course,
if you've used the techniques in this book, you are very unlikely to
be trying to kiss a woman who would be so offended by it that she

presses charges.
The problem with the "ask" method is that it works worst of all,
and some women, who are interested, are turned off by this
approach. Many women have told us that they are offended by men

who ask if they can kiss them. Natalie, one of our interviewees, commented,
"I hate it when a man asks if he can kiss me. One guy did
that a few months ago, and I told him to bug off! If a guy wants to

kiss me, the least he can do is be man enough to do it without asking!"
It's a hard quandary for men. On the one hand, some women
are telling us that we must get absolute, crystal-clear consent from
men every time we touch them. On the other hand, women tell us
that they are turned off by men who ask before the first kiss! We
suggest that, most of the time, you not ask before kissing a woman.
It simply creates more problems than it solves.

The "announce "method

This method can work quite well, and gives the woman an out
if she doesn't want you to kiss her. By making some sort of
announcement about what you are going to do, you aren't actually
asking permission—which, as we have said, puts some women off—
but you are still giving her a chance to tell you to bug off if she doesn't
want a kiss. You might say "Oh, my. You are so beautiful.. .try not
to panic, I'm about to kiss you," and then go for it. The "announce"
method works well, and keeps you on "the right side of the law."


284 I Chapter Nine

The "she kisses you" method

This method is just what it says: she gets so aroused and romantically
inclined that she kisses you. You're probably saying to yourself
"boy, that would be so great if that ever happened," but as you
begin to master the material in this book, you'll start to understand
that the first kiss is no big deal, however you get it. It doesn't make
a huge difference if she kisses you, or if you kiss her. It's just another
step in her inevitable seduction.

IF SHE SAYS NO

Congratulations! A woman rejected your kiss! While this probably
won't happen often, it may well happen. Welcome! Join the
club! Here's what you should and shouldn't do when a woman
spurns your attempted kiss:

Decide what you are going to make it mean

Your first action, when this happens, is to decide what you are

going to make it mean to you. Left to your own devices, you would

probably make it mean that you are a loser and a jerk, some

Saturday-Night-Live quality "Wild and Crazy Guy." Don't leave

yourself to your own devices. Decide, in advance if possible, how you

are going to handle it.

We suggest that you interpret her rejection to mean that she
isn't ready yet to kiss you. It is as though she was saying, "Not now,
but some other time." You may also want to take it as a sign that you
have more pre-work to do. We strongly advise you to avoid making
it mean that you are a loser. If you want success with women, you
must make a more empowering decision about what rejection
means. From our experience, no man ever has constant success without
first having to face many rejections.

Never ask "why not?"

Asking "why not?" is a typical rookie mistake men make. First,
it will make you look like a wimp. It calls to mind a little kid, whin-

Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 285

not?" to his mother. She may view this question as a form

begging. This will make her want to kiss you even less. Second,
when you ask her "why not?" she'll tell you, and that's the last thing you want. It forces her
a. The more she comes up with, the less likely she will ever kiss
u Asking this question is virtual suicide.
Never argue with her about it

Arguing is the other rookie mistake men make in the face of
women's sexual rejection. It does the same thing as asking "why
not?" because it makes her dig into her position more completely.
We know of no instance in which a woman has changed her mind
and wholeheartedly kissed a man because he argued with her rejection.
All it does is insure that she will never kiss you, ever. She will
think of negative thoughts when she thinks of you, and avoid you in
the future. By arguing with a woman's decision, you are saying that
you don't respect her opinion and her boundaries, which will likely

turn her off more.

Never beg her

Some men make this horrid mistake. Begging is a more popular
move once they are in bed with a woman. Don't beg, don't cajole,
don't "Aw, c'mon, you don't know how it hurts a guy." Begging a
woman shows her that you are a wimpy, powerless man, who can't
handle waiting for what he wants. It shows her you have no resolution
to make your life what you want, and demonstrates to her that
you go groveling through life. Don't do it. You will definitely lose
your self-respect by lowering yourself to her whims.

Try again later

She's only rejecting you now, not later. While you don't want to
badger her, it's a good idea to remember that some women will just
want to see how you handle them saying "no." Others just aren't in
the mood for it today, but they would be another time. Still others
will be willing to kiss you, but only after you've done more work to



286 I Chapter Nine

show you really like them, not just their bodies. Some women simply
don't want you, and never will. Remember that each "no" is a
stepping stone to an eventual "yes," if not with this woman, then

with some other.

THE TEN CRUCIAL MISTAKES THAT BLOW
THE FIRST KISS


By now you realize that most of your dating problems have
come from the dumb things you've done to wreck seduction situations.
You've been "a friend," or treating a woman as you would a
guy, or you've been indecisive. Let's look at the top mistakes men
make going for the first kiss, and show you how to avoid them.

Mistake #1. You announce your intention to seduce her

Here's a very dumb thing that you may be tempted to do; tell
your date that you have a seduction book, are studying it, and intend
to use the techniques on her! You may think no one would be this
dumb, but we've known plenty of men who've done it. Needless to

say, she won't want to kiss you after that,

Mistake #2. YOU off end her by saying or doing
something stupid


There's no shortage of ways to offend a woman you are dating.
A Cosmopolitan magazine article gives a few examples of stupid
things men have said or done on first dates:

* The man who asked his date, "Why is it that all the good
women are taken?"
* The man who said, "I'm so intrigued by the mind of a serial
killer. The rage and passion he must feel while actually killing
someone is fascinating to me."

* The man who offended (and mystified) his date by saying "I
shower four times a day. I have to,"
* The man who felt compelled to admit that "When I have sex
with a woman, I always have to imagine I'm with someone else."
Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 287

* The man who said about marriage, "I'm not a big fan of the
institution myself."
* The man who said about his ex-girlfriend, "Some people just
need hitting."
* The man who invited a woman for dinner at his house and, at
the end of the date, said, "To keep this relationship devoid of
any sense of anyone owing anyone anything, why don't you
pay your half?" He then presented her with an itemized bill
of what he spent.

You can also alienate a woman by discussing your love of
pornography, commenting on other women's bodies, or taking a
position on a political or gender issue that she profoundly disagrees

with.
You can further offend her by lighting a cigar (unless she lights
one first), or engaging in a prolonged scratching session. If you do
something that insults her deeply, back off at once, apologize briefly
if you think it will help, and go on with the date as if nothing happened.
Sadly, you often won't know what she feels. She won't tell
you; she'll simply write you off, and get away from you as quickly as
she can. She certainly won't kiss you.

Mistake #3. You approach the kiss as though
it was a business transaction


This is a common problem for men who want to get to the bot


tom line, and "get down to business." You may have this problem if

you are used to the business world, or are just very practical.

Men who fall into this trap have a harder time than others

accepting that they must go out of their way to make a woman feel

special. They see all the work involved as false, manipulative, and

dishonest. They don't like it one bit, and seem set on proving us

wrong. Sadly for them, we aren't wrong, and when the practical


minded man approaches a woman for a kiss, she inevitably ends up

rejecting him. She tells him that he seems too "cold and calculating,"

which he is. You want to be warm and kind and this is achieved by

being romantic, doing the little things, and following the guidelines

laid out in this book.


288 I Chapter Nine

Mistake #4. You are indecisive

When you decide to go for the kiss, go for it! Whatever method
you use, this is the time when "he who hesitates is lost" Women want
a strong, decisive man, and that is never more evident than on the
first kiss. This does not mean that you become overly forceful or
that you ignore her if she protests. If she doesn't want to be kissed,
of course don't kiss her. But you shouldn't weasel around about it.
If you've done the pre-work, and she's passed the tests, go for it!

Mistake #5. You act like she is doing you a favor
by kissing you

When Bob eventually gets that first kiss, he thanks his date ! This
is a mistake. You can say, "that was very nice," but don't act like she's
doing you a favor that is any bigger than the one you are doing her.

Mistake #6. You get flustered by minor problems
on the date, and give up


Giving up is almost always worse for the seduction than any
mistake you made. Men often get flustered if a conversation doesn't
go well, if she becomes offended, or if she seems suspicious of their
romantic questions. Remember, she's either going to respond to
you or she isn't. It doesn't mean anything about you. If you get flus


tered, you can often pretend nothing happened, and move on. She
may be looking to you for verification that the date is still okay, even
if there was an awkward moment of odd exchange. If you don't give


up, she'll see that things are fine, and probably relax.

Mistake #7. You push too hard, too quickly

Every seduction has its own pace. You can destroy the effectiveness
of any of the technology in this book by doing it too hard,
too fast, and too inexpertly. We know this may be hard to hear, coming
as it does after hundreds of pages telling you how important it is
that you take action in the seduction, but it's still true. You must take

action, and you must also move at her pace.

Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 289

Practically speaking, you must learn to pay attention to her
responses. If she is consistently resistant and unresponsive, you may
be scaring her or making her angry by pushing too hard, too quickly.
Slow down and back off a bit.

If she says that you are coining on too strong, don't worry. It's
great that she gave you the feedback. Remember that she's not necessarily
telling you to stop seducing her, she's probably just telling
you to slow down. Just say something like "Am I coming on too
strong? Sorry," and compliment her. "It's just that you seem like a
great woman. I'll slow things down." By saying this type of thing,
you've shown her that you were only moving so fast because she's
so great. By reassuring her that you will slow down, you also
acknowledge that you are seducing her, and will continue. If she
accepts this, the entire interaction will move the seduction forward.

Mistake #8. You surprise her by trying to kiss her
"out of the blue"


Women like subtlety. They don't like aggressive surprises that
seem to come out of nowhere. Your first kiss should be the culmination
of a long sequence of demonstrations of your sensitivity to her.
If your kiss surprises her and seems "out of the blue," she'll conclude
that you are insensitive and she will not desire you.

The solution is to distinguish between your desire and your
romantic-feeling moments, which will come and go. Make sure you
kiss her in a romantic moment, not just because you are horny.
Using the "announce" method will give her at least a few moments
to prepare herself for kissing you.

Mistake #9. You ram your tongue into her mouth

Many women have told us about men who wrecked kisses they
would have succeeded with by tongue-kissing too hard, too soon.
The first kiss is a gentle peck, not a long French kiss. The gentle kiss
acts as a prelude to a longer, more intense one. After Bruce first
kissed Wendy, she said "that was the most gentle kiss I've ever had."
That's the kind of response you also want.


290 / Chapter Nine

Mistake #10. You taste like garlic, hare bad breath

or taste bad

It's no use doing all the pre-work. passing all the tests, and really
establishing a connection with a woman if you are just going to
ruin it by having bad breath or tasting bad. A number of women
have told us that men who have tried to kiss them have disgusted
them by bad breath. You must not let this happen to you.

The solution is to make good breath a priority on a date. But—

this is important—never squirt a breath spray into your mouth in
front of a woman. For reasons we don't understand, women find this
a total turn-off. If you have to secretly bring a toothbrush and toothpaste
to the date, and excuse yourself to use them after dinner, do so
(though don't tell her you brought them). Most of the time, using
some kind of breath-freshener, gum, or breath mint will suffice.

TAKING THE KISS FARTHER

If she allows the first kiss, you should consider going for more

right then. Ideally, you will push your kissing to the point right
before she stops you for "going too fast." Gauging when a woman is
about to stop your kisses is about as easy as cooking a souffle until

just before it burns. You can do it, but it's likely that you will end up
burning it no matter how careful you are.
. Allowing the kiss is not the same as enthusiastically responding
to it. If she presses her breasts into you and kisses you hard, stay
with it. If you are in a place conducive to more intense kissing, do it,
When Josh first kissed Lynn, she responded enthusiastically. He had
walked her to her car after their priming date. They both had to go
to appointments. At Lynn's car, Josh kissed her. She responded well,
pressing her body into his and wrapping her arms around him. He
kissed her more, and they started French kissing. "Why don't we get
into the car?" he asked. They got into the front seat together, kissing
more and more passionately. Josh started touching her body as she
panted enthusiastically. Finally he said, "The heck with my meeting.
Let's go to my house." She agreed and drove him there, where they

had sex.

Closing the Deal: The First Kiss and More I 291

While this will rarely happen, on occasion it will. You've got to
be ready to take a first kiss as far as it can go. You must be gauging
her response and continuously taking your interaction to the next
level if you can. If she seems uncomfortable, slow down or back up.
If she seems to be into kissing, take it farther. If you aren't paying
attention, you will either take things too far, or not far enough.

Keep in mind, this is not a race. If you've done all the pre-work
she will actually desire you. As a result, you can go back for more
later. In many ways you are better off leaving her wanting more.
Women aren't used to men who can walk away from an offer of sex,
and it impresses them. After all, you may really have something else
to do. You must make it work for your schedule, as we've said so
many tunes. You want to tell her something like, "This is great, but I
really do have to go. You are really something special. Can I come
over later tonight, say around 10pm after my evening commitment
is over?" Get directions, set it up, and finish making love to her, at
your leisure, later that night.

PASSIONATE KISSES!

You now have no excuse for wondering what you are doing
wrong at the moment of the first kiss. You now understand that that
moment is comparatively trivial when compared to all the important
steps that come before it. You understand that there is little work
that needs to be done to improve the moment of the first kiss; the
real work is during every single moment leading up to it.

You start preparing a woman for the first kiss when you first
meet her, when you start setting yourself apart from men who end
up being "friends." You also prepare for the kiss when you show
your romantic interest and flirt like a man who is interested in her.
After you have her feeling good, after one or more interactions, you
either ask her for her phone number, or you ask her out. If she says
yes, you proceed to the priming date. If she says no, you move on to
the next woman, or keep working on her and ask her out again later.

On the priming date, you prepare for the first kiss by being

decisive, looking into her eyes, touching her, continuing to make


292 / Chapter Nine

your romantic interest known, making her smile and laugh, using
interested body language, checking out her body, whispering something
romantic to her, asking romantic questions, and conducting

romantic conversations.
If you don't kiss her on the pruning date, you continue to prepare
her for the first kiss on the seduction date. This is done by
repeating much of the priming date, plus setting up experiences that
create romantic feelings in her. These experiences leave her feeling
special, attracted, and cared for. You test her readiness, which also
prepares her further. Finally, when you kiss her, she is not surprised,
is totally ready, and is thinking about it, too. You are finally ready to
proceed easily onto the next step—being the man of her dreams in

bed.

chapter ten...
Being the Man
of Her Dreams
in Bed

After months of work, Bob finally brought home a woman.
Barb was in her late 30s, fairly attractive, a cute face and tall, but
overweight. Earlier in the night they had watched football at a
sports bar. Bob kissed and held her as they stood in the crowd. As
soon as the game ended, he suggested that they move the date to his
home. She agreed.

Minutes later, they entered his dark and gloomy house. Dirty
clothes were strewn around the room, as were empty pizza boxes
and dishes with moldy food stuck to them. To make things worse,
there were the stacks and stacks of paper all over the floor.

Bob shoved the garbage away to create a path to the couch.
The hot and sensual feeling had been lost among the mess. Barb sat
on the couch and Bob immediately began stroking her hair and kissing
her. He then tried to touch her breasts. She pushed his hands
away. Once again they kissed, and he attempted to grab her. When
she pushed him away a second time he felt embarrassed and angry.

Bob stopped touching her, crossed his arms, and sat looking
angry for several minutes. Luckily, Barb said, "This isn't working.
Let's start over again." She made the move and kissed him gently.
Again he grabbed one of her breasts. She pushed him away again.



294 / Chapter Ten

"Bob, that hurts. Be gentle with me, or I'm leaving," she said.
my ex-girlfriend always liked it when I pinched her nipples,"
argued. She responded "Look, either be gentle with my body or I'm


leaving."
Bob made a greater effort and touched her gently. Barb calmed
down and the mood intensified. She then took off her shirt, slowly
undid her bra, and placed Bob's left hand on her right breast. "Touch
it gently, like this," she explained. He enjoyed himself, rubbing circles
around her nipples with his fingertips. She moaned, and asked
him if they could cuddle in his bed.
"Now I am going to get some," Bob thought to himself. "All the
months of waiting are about to pay off." They walked hand-in-hand
into his bedroom. "Let's get naked," he exclaimed, as he began
throwing off his clothes. "No, please hold me. I just want to snuggle
next to you and feel how much we like each other," Barb replied.
Once again, he felt upset, but did it anyway. They held each other in
his bed. He softly stroked her hair and kissed her all over. Barb
laughed when he kissed her neck. He immediately responded in a
defensive manner, "What are you laughing at? What did I do this
time?" She told him, "I like how you are touching me. My neck is
just ticklish, that's all." He seemed so inexperienced to Barb. She
found it kind of cute, and decided to continue. Just then, the phone
rang and he stopped to answer it. Barb stared at him in disbelief. She
couldn't believe that he would stop a romantic moment to talk on
the phone.
Once he got off the phone, she kissed him and pushed him onto
his back. She pretended to ride him like a horse, and he enjoyed this
position immensely. Bob began unbuttoning her jeans and running
his fingers over her underwear. He pinched her thigh very roughly
and it hurt her. Once again, she asked him to be more gentle. As she
told him this, he looked at his watch. "Do you have an appointment
sometime soon?" she asked him.
Bob continued to make every mistake in the book. Even so,
Barb was ready for intercourse. She asked him where he kept the
condoms. "Gosh, I didn't think we would get this far tonight. I don't
have any. If you want to wait, I can drive down to a nearby all-night
grocery store." Barb stared at him in disbelief and shrugged her

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed / 295

shoulders. "I have one in my purse." She ran into the living room and
returned with one in hand.

"Why do you have condoms in your purse? Is this something
you do often?" he asked her, "Shut up, Bob! If you offend me one
more time I'm leaving. What I do in my life is none of your business.
You're lucky I am letting you touch me at all. Besides, you didn't
have any condoms, I would say that beggars can't be choosers." Bob
felt humiliated, but wanted to have sex so badly he didn't dare
respond.

He ripped open the condom package and quickly put it on. He
immediately tried to enter her, "Not so fast. Slow down, cowboy.
Kiss me first," Barb said. He kissed her insensitively, jamming his
tongue into her mouth, and then attempted to enter her again.

By this time Barb could not believe how strangely and uncomfortably
Bob was acting. Even so, she continued to have sex with
him. Throughout the experience, he refused to look at her. She kept
looking into his eyes and smiling. The more it happened, the more
uncomfortable he felt. He even interrupted the process to turn off
the lights to avoid seeing her face. When they finally did have sex, he
tried to be fast and furious, ignoring her desires. Never did he
attempt to see if she was enjoying herself, or if he could do anything
to improve her experience. Bob went on, only concerned with his
own pleasure.

After he was satisfied, Bob turned over, without saying a word,
and instantly fell asleep. Moments later, Barb got dressed, and
stormed out of the house. She felt angry, and vowed never to see
Bob again.

We know you're not Bob, but you think you're Casanova, and
you're not. You think you satisfy a woman every time, and are the
opposite of Bob, but it's not true. You assume your sexual communication
skills are wonderful, but they aren't. You know that you are
easy to get along with, but it's a lie. No matter how great you are in
bed, there is always more to learn.

This chapter focuses on how to be a great lover. We will cover
the common problems and concerns men go through when having
sex for the first time with a woman, and during relationships. We'll
also discuss strategies to use before, during, and after sex.


296 / Chapter Ten

THE TRIANGLE OFFENSE: THE THREE KEYS TO
IMPROVING ANY MAN'S SEX LIFE

Bob is a horrid lover because he hasn't mastered three critical
areas in the bedroom: communication, technique and attitude. This
chapter will give you hands-on (no pun intended) skills in these
three areas. As you increase your degree of mastery, your sex life
will also inevitably improve. Better yet, each of these three solutions
supports the others. So, for example, if you better your technique,
your attitude will improve. When your attitude improves, so does
your technique. Besides, spending time perfecting these areas can be

a lot of fun.
We know you have a busy life and you don't need yet another
set of things to do. There are hundreds of other books that describe
sexual etiquette and women's hottest fantasies, including the wonderful
Sexpectations by Ron Louis, By routinely spending time
increasing your knowledge and skill level in each of the following
three areas, you will become a master in the bedroom.

Communication

Any problem can be resolved through communication. Any
concern, fear, mood, or thought can be transformed by opening your
mouth and talking. We are always communicating. Body language,
listening skills, vocal tone, word choice, and volume all play a part in
communication, in the bedroom, communication skills are particularly
essential if you want to be a hot and memorable lover. They can
make or break the mood. If a woman feels afraid during sex, a good
communicator can quickly calm her down and comfort her. Someone
like Bob, however, will make the problem worse.

A chronic complaint among women is that men just don't communicate
and talk enough. For our purposes, let's bring communication
into the bedroom. Given that all women's bodies are so different,
you will have to ask questions during sex.

The sexual master asks questions, not the amateur. The master
knows that talking will intensify things, not interrupt them. Rod, for
example, was in bed with Patricia. He began licking her left breast
and she moaned. He continued, and began touching her other breast

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed / 297

with his hand. She moaned even more. This continued on for sever


al minutes. Rod took a short break, and asked her how hard she

liked to be touched. "Because my breasts are so large, they also need

a lot of stimulation," she said. When Bob touched her again he used

more force. Patricia moaned even louder. By asking a simple ques


tion, he turned her on even more.

Technique

By technique, we are referring to a man's knowledge of female

anatomy, and his familiarity with sexual interactions. To be specific,

different positions, fantasies, products, methods, foreplay, afterplay,

kissing, and much more. These are all forms of sexual interaction

that, when combined, create a body of distinctions called technique.

Bob treats Barb so roughly, he fails to keep the mood. He has
no idea how to be gentle when touching her vagina. He has no idea
what or where a clitoris is. His technique is nonexistent. To learn
more, he should start studying and understanding what women want
in a lover. This information is readily available.

This chapter is not going to tell you all the secret sex positions
in one easy lesson. We recommend that you go into a bookstore and
pick up books on how to satisfy a woman, a detailed position book,
a massage book, and one that tells you how to keep yourself going
all night long. These are the techniques needed to be a world-class
lover. When you feel comfortable with your skill level, you will have
an easier time relaxing. And the sex will be even hotter.

Attitude

Attitude is everything! If you have a good attitude in the bedroom,
sex will be fun, easy and ecstatic. A bad attitude will leave the
woman thinking you are hard-headed, nasty, cocky, worried and a
womanizer. Bob has a bad attitude and it is the first thing people see
when they meet him. He is unpleasant to be around, and most
women won't even give him the time of day. It is his attitude, not his
technique, that makes women react this way.

We recommend that you adopt a fun, outrageous, confident,
playful, and easygoing attitude in the bedroom. If you want to be a


298 / Chapter Ten

memorable lover, you will have to leave her feeling special, full of

passion and fun. Besides feeling totally unsatisfied, Barb left Bob's

house vowing to never see him again. In fact, the sex was so bad that

she kept hoping it would end so she could finally go home. If Bob

had talked to her, and had been open to having fun, they both would

have had a better time. She may have instructed him on how to

please her. Instead, Bob was so caught up in trying to look like he

knew what he was doing, and pleasing himself, that he missed the

opportunity.

One attitude killer that affects many men is the classic dose of
guilt. This feeling arises when a man thinks he is pulling one over on
a woman, and manipulating her for sex. If he is doing something that
violates his integrity, or that he feels is wrong, it will bleed into every
interaction with her. Worse yet, he fails to realize that women are
fully aware that men do this. Women are smarter than you think.
They know that all you want to do is get them into bed, and they
know that you will do anything to accomplish this. When you interact
with a woman fully aware that she knows what you want, it will
boost your confidence. It will open up many nights of hot sex and a
freedom for you to let go of expectations.

To improve your attitude, study men who interact with women
in ways you respect. Sean Connery, Clint Eastwood, John Travolta,
and Jack Nicholson all tend to play strong male figures who have no
problem meeting women and going to bed with them. They do this
on screen and off. They display a playful, yet very strong male presence
that drives women wild. Study their attitudes, and they will rub
off on you. Before you go into bed with a woman, decide what attitude
you want to convey. Use the exercises to psych yourself up, and
then create the ultimate experience for the woman you are with.

PREPARING FOR THE MOMENT
WHEN IT TURNS SEXUAL


There is a moment when the date turns sexual. It may occur
while you are kissing and turned on, when you both want more. Or.
when you are watching a movie on the couch and passion erupts.
Whatever the details of the situation, there is always a distinct

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 299

moment when the kissing moves into more. Pay attention to this
time. Savor it! Begin to notice what led up to it. There are several
things you can do to create this moment. By doing the pre-work,
once again, and preparing yourself and the environment, the likelihood
greatly improves.

Creating the romantic space

You don't have to be a genius to realize that a romantic mood
can be created. We've told you this in every way we know how. What
follows is a basic list of qualities to make a room romantic. Just as
you've been preparing yourself mentally for dates, by psyching yourself
up and practicing romantic questions, we also recommend you
prepare the physical space and get it ready for hot and heavy fun.

Soft lighting

No one in their right mind feels sensual in a brightly lit room.
In fact, studies have shown that people tend to relax in a dimly lit
room, and become tense in brightly lit ones. This phenomenon can
be used to your advantage. When kissing a woman, it works best to
dim the lights. Do it discreetly. A woman won't be impressed if she
thinks you are a playboy trying to be smooth and are trying to
seduce her. Be subtle. Lower the lights and let the mood shift slowly.
Let her relax over several minutes and then prepare for romance

101.
Music

The same geniuses who spent time finding out that dim light;
mellows people out also realized that music alters the mood. We
bet you aren't too surprised to find out that blaring Led Zeppelin at
I volume has a different effect than playing gentle classical music
i the background. Good music can become your friend. It not only
blocks out background noise, but creates an atmosphere conducive
your sex. It is important, however, to play music she enjoys. If
you get the chance, find out which artists she likes before the date.
Better yet, let her browse your CD collection and pick the ones she


300 Chapter Ten

likes. The mood will be ruined if she dislikes the music you are play


ing. Make sure the music fits the purpose of creating the magical

mood and you will be that much closer to a memorable night for

everyone.

Incense

Women are much more sensitive to smell than men. As a result,
we recommend not burning incense unless you are sure she enjoys
it. Since smells are very personal, there is a high likelihood of burning
something she will dislike, which may then actually turn her off.
The same is true for air fresheners, aromatherapy, aftershaves, and
potpourri. If she picks a scent and associates it with sex, it will be
wonderful. You can create the association between sex and a scent
early on if you go to a perfume store, or health food shop, and have
her pick a vial of aromatherapy essence, incense, or aftershave.

Candles

After dating Wendy for a few weeks, Bruce set up a hedonistic

picnic in his bedroom. He had researched her ideal foods and music

ahead of time. Everything was set up to her specifications. She

arrived at his home promptly at 11:00 pm. After talking for a few

moments, Bruce told her to close her eyes, he had a surprise for her.

He held Wendy's hand and guided her into his bedroom. The entire

place was perfectly clean, and lit candles were placed along the win


dow sills and on the nightstand. When Wendy opened her eyes she

was amazed at the room. Everything was perfect. The candles were

the added extra that made everything work.

Candles are part of the traditional romantic scene. A candlelit
bedroom full of pillows and great music will be irresistible. Minimal
light is much better than total darkness. Women want to keep an eye
on you. Candles truly set the mood, and leave everyone happy.

Fireplace

If you look back at the past decades of Playboy magazine, you
will find many of the models posing in front of a fireplace. If you
wanted to bore yourself to tears and read through hundreds of the

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 301

omance novels women read, you would again find dozens of scenes
where women are making love with broad-chested men in front of a
fire. We found this striking. While men and women are different in
thousands of ways, one shared appreciation is to make love in front
of a blazing fire. You and the woman will be in heaven if you can find
a way to have a romantic evening doing the same.

Just imagine for a moment that you are out on a date, and it has
been going great. You took a wonderful woman out to dinner and a
walk. Now you and she are lying on a carpeted floor. Seconds ago,
you fed her pieces of fruit, and gently kissed her lips. You then ran
your fingers down her naked body. The room is dark, except for light
from the fire. It crackles as she touches you. Do anything you can,
pull any strings, pay money if necessary, to find a room with a fireplace
to take your date.

SETTING THE MOOD
WITH SENSUAL TALK


Having the room ready to go will greatly aid the creation and
maintenance of the mood. The next step is that the discussion also
switch to romance and sex. Romantic conversation is a form of foreplay.
In fact, it's nearly as important as touching and caressing her.
Most women, in a romantic situation, will melt when you compliment
their body, answer romantic questions, and describe what it
feels like when they feel really attracted to someone.

In our interviews, most women mentioned feeling nervous the
first time having sex with a man. Each woman feared that her sex
partner wouldn't like her body. From this information we saw the
importance of complimenting a woman's body during sex.
Compliments create and maintain an atmosphere in which she feels
safe and alleviates her fears. Compliments can be a wonderful turn
on and make her want you even more.

What to compliment her on

1. Her Body. Compliment specific body parts. Compliment
her on the sparkle in her eyes, or the way her skin glows in the
candlelight. Be careful, however, not to be crude. Saying something

302 I Chapter Ten

like "you have great tits" won't seem like a compliment. "Your
breasts are beautiful" will. Go through her body and compliment the
different areas. This can also make her laugh, which will also add to
the fun.

2. Beauty. An important aspect in being a memorable lover is
that the woman leaves the experience feeling like you had an outstanding
experience with her. She wants to be noticed as an individual,
not just as any woman. One way to accomplish this is by frequently
complimenting her beauty. Let her know that you are
attracted to her. Let her know that she is special and that you are
thrilled she is with you. By telling her she is beautiful, gorgeous,
pretty, lovely, hot, sexy, vivacious, radiant, splendid, and the hundreds
of other forms of beauty, she will likely melt in your arms.
3, Technique. Along with compliments about their looks and
specific body parts, all women want to know you enjoy being in bed
with them. Most guys don't realize that women want to be complimented
for their sexual performance. Once again, women want to
know that they please you. They know that sex is one of the most
important things to guys; if they can be hot looking and be good in
bed, a man will more interested in them than if they aren't. By complimenting
a woman on her sexual technique, you will make her feel
closer to you, and the chances of a repeat performance are greatly
increased.

THE MOTIONS THAT CONVEY EMOTION

During both sex and foreplay it is important that you maintain
eye contact. This simple rapport greatly aids in the connection
between the two of you. Bob, for example, refuses to look at Barb
while they make love. Avoiding eye contact makes it seem like he
doesn't care about her, and puts distance between them. When you
smile at a woman, for example, during love making, it bonds the two
of you, and makes her feel appreciated.

The same is true for kissing her in loving ways. A gentle kiss on
the cheek during sex, will reassure her, and let her know that you

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 303

care. These small signs add up for women. They will experience them
as forms of nurturing, affection, and appreciation.

When Bruce has sex, he frequently smiles and usually retains
eye contact. Chara recently stripped for him. He stared hungrily into
her eyes. At the end of the dance, Chara walked to him and they
kissed long and hard. As they took each other's clothes off Bruce
smiled while looking into her eyes. He kissed her cheek and undid
her bra. Chara smiled back, and even giggled a little. Even though
Bruce wanted to close his eyes and go off into his own world, he
kept occasional eye contact to hold the mood. He realized that eye
contact and gentle kisses would keep Chara cairn and connected.
Bruce has mastered doing these small things, and the women usually
come back wanting more.

TOPICS TO AVOID IN BED

Compliments will aid the mood, but there are numerous topics
that can kill it. Read these over carefully to insure you don't screw
up a hot moment. We also recommend that you pre-screen her for
offensive talk by asking questions during the foreplay time, such as
"Do you think women like guys who talk dirty during sex?" You will
then get the lowdown if she likes that sort of thing. Any other questions
you have, do it during the seduction date, or during foreplay.

Avoid:

* Talking about other women
* Your love of pornography
* Admitting that you don't understand her, or any woman's, body
* How long it has been since you've had sex
* Using vulgar words, unless she starts
* Telling her when you are about to have an orgasm
* Insulting her body
* The future status of your relationship with her
* Talking about topics not related to sex, like sports scores or
work.

304 I Chapter Ten

THE ART OF FOREPLAY

If you had to pick one sexual position or act that the majority

of women report as essential to satisfying them, what would it be?

Is it having an orgasm? No. Is it being bitten on the nape of the

neck? No. Is it penetration? No. Is it having their breasts touched?

No. If you responded yes to any of the above questions, you are

wrong!

Since the earliest sex surveys, women have reported that fore


play is their favorite and most satisfying part of sex. They also

reported that men consistently don't spend enough time on it. Most

of us avoid it. Instead, we go right for intercourse. Your new job is to

satisfy her, and blow her away with your skills in the bedroom. We

strongly advise you to alter your routine from focusing on yourself

and your needs, to her and what makes her hot.

We first want to make sure you understand what foreplay is.
We define it as all the kissing, touching, and talking that comes
before intercourse. Remember all the steps and preparation that
went into the first kiss (flirting, casual touching, romantic talk, tests
for readiness, etc,)? Foreplay is the pre-work for having sex. It is the
necessary activity that insures a memorable experience. All master
seducers spend time on foreplay. Even if they just want to cut to
intercourse, they spend time doing the pre-work because they want
to please the woman and increase the chances of a repeat sexual
experience.

We recommend that you change your sexual habits and stretch
out the amount of time you spend on foreplay. It is important that
you become a woman's favorite lover. We hope this book has taught
you, if nothing else, that being confident and powerful as a man will
get you a woman. If you blunder your way through sex, however,
and don't turn her on, or create and maintain the mood, all your
progress is flushed down the drain. She probably won't be too
impressed if you are ignorant about the basics, and she'll probably
avoid going back to bed with you.

We also recommend that you go from five minutes of foreplay
and three minutes of sex, to at least 15 minutes on foreplay and 30
minutes of sex. Remember, all women are different. What one loves,
another hates, and so on. So begin touching and caressing her,

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 305

exploring what she enjoys. The same goes true for kissing. Does she
like short kisses, or long sloppy ones? Find out immediately, and
continue in that vein. Go with the flow. The sexual world is a spontaneous
one.You never know what will happen. Maybe you'll end up
on the floor of her apartment, having intense sex. Or on the couch
kissing and having oral sex. Let it happen.

THE MAIN EVENT

Now that the foreplay is done, let's move on to the main event.
Many women require at least 15 minutes of foreplay to get turned
on enough for sex. After that, they need at least 15 minutes of attention
to have an orgasm. Most women can't orgasm solely from intercourse.
Usually, spending time touching, rubbing, or licking her clitoris
is required. If you aren't sure where the clitoris is, and how to
touch it, rush out and buy a sex book today. This knowledge isn't
secret, and you should avail yourself of it before you get into bed
with a woman again.

During sex, we recommend that you make her come first. Most
guys have no problem achieving orgasm quickly. In fact, there are
millions of men who suffer from premature ejaculation. If you get
her off first, you can justify coming quickly. Your job is nearly done.

A good lover is also generous in the bedroom. When Bob, for
instance, only focuses on himself, Barb thinks he is a jerk and is not
satisfied. We have found that most men are more satisfied knowing
that the woman had a good time. Men often report feeling a sense
of confidence knowing that they brought her to orgasm. We recommend
you spend whatever time is necessary learning how to bring a
woman over the edge.

If sex is working the way you hoped, you will both be pleasured
by the experience. We recommend that you study up on sex positions
to make sex even greater. No one wants to fall into a monotonous
sexual trap. Books like the Kama Sutra and dozens of others,
available at most bookstores, will help broaden your sexual horizons.
The woman will appreciate your knowledge of sex, and respect
you for it. It will also be worth your time to learn ways to control
your orgasm and increase your sensitivity.


306 / Chapter Ten

ENJOYING AFTERPLAY

Most men fail to realize that afterplay is essential each and
every time you have sex. Now that the action is over, you probably
just want to turn over and go to bed. Yes, you did go through the
laborious process of pleasuring yourself. It is still essential, however,
that you hold and cuddle with her before sleep. The sexual masters
know that cuddling and talking after sex must become habitual.
While all you want to do is fall asleep, she, most likely, wants to be
held, kissed, and shown that you still appreciate her. If you don't,
she'll probably think you're a jerk. Besides, while you are holding
her, it is also the perfect time to deepen the bonding between the
two of you. Afterplay doesn't require hours and hours of time; even
5-10 minutes should suffice. Spoon with her, give her a few kisses
and compliments, and you can be on your way to a night of relaxing

sleep.
Another key reason to spend time cuddling is that the first time
you make love with a woman, she usually decides if it will happen
again. If you hold her, compliment her and follow the other steps
mentioned, sex will probably be repeated. If not, she probably won't
want to see you again.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
AND HOW TO SOLVE THEM


Whether they come at convenient times or not, problems in
the bedroom are inevitable. Sex is a topic that causess more controversy,
upset, and problems than nearly anything else. Sex will frequently
trigger emotional responses for you and for your erotic
partner. As a rule of thumb, all problems are an opportunity for you
to handle and create a deeper connection between the two of you.
Sex has the power to ruin or strengthen any relationship. A relationship
can quickly be destroyed if you fail to take a woman's

problems seriously while having sex. This is a cardinal sin of any
master seducer,
We offer a list of potential problems, so you won't be caught off
guard when they inevitably happen. Refer to the conflict resolution

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 307

techniques explained in the Seduction Date chapter to guide you
through most conflicts.

"/ am not comfortable with the speed we are going at."

In sexual situations women usually think that the man is going
too far, too fast. The solution is simple: Slow down! Perhaps it was
so simple that you missed it, so we'll say it again: Slow down! A wonderful
lover never pushes a woman. He respects her wishes and
immediately slows down. Someone like Bob gets angry at the
woman when she makes any comments or requests in bed. Bruce
realizes that if a woman feels that things are going too far, respecting
her wishes is crucial. He wants the date to go well, for her to be
happy, and to stop the sexual process at any time she wishes. In these
sensitive times, he knows that if you don't stop, or slow down, when
a woman asks, she may consider it harassment, and put him at legal
risk. He never wants to be in this position.

Think about it this way: if you and a woman are kissing and
heavy petting, she obviously likes you. It is also likely that she is
interested in spending more time with you. Even if you end up
spending a half-hour touching and kissing and she wants to stop, do
it. It will make the next time that much better. Most men find it useful
to take the long-term view towards sex. By stopping, you insure
that you will probably see her again. If you feel that she has required
you to stop prematurely, go on to someone else and come back to
this one later.

"I'm sort of seeing someone."

The classic moral dilemma: Do you date a woman who has a
boyfriend or not? The first question to answer is whether or not you
feel comfortable having sex with someone in a relationship. We've
had students who care and those who don't. We refuse to make this
moral decision for you. The most important factor is to always act
consistent with your beliefs. If you care, don't date her again. If you
have no moral dilemma, go for it.

If you decide to go through with it, and start seeing her regularly,
console her, and comfort her. Be understanding of her predica



308 I Chapter Ten

ment. She probably feels guilty for cheating on a guy she's dating. At
the same time, make sure to leave the commitment loose. After ,.
unless her relationship is on the rocks, or the verge of breakup, she
will likely see you as only a diversion from her normally bleak existence.
In other words, you will be her sex buddy. This arrangement

may work perfectly. The larger strategy is to not make her comments
a big deal. Stay calm, cool, and collected, and then move forward.

"I really care about you and I want more than
a one-night thing."

Many women date in hopes of meeting a special man for a
committed relationship. Men often date in hopes of pure sex. The
solution to this problem is to assure her that you too are looking for
more than a one-night thing. It's true. Whether the sex is good or
not, you want to keep her around for more than one night. Once
again, be sympathetic and comfort her while still being honest.

Bob and Sharon had been out a few times. On the fourth date
they wound up in bed together. Sharon mentioned to him that she
wanted a boyfriend, and not just a one-night sexual experience. Bob
commented,"! think we should skip all the chitchat and get down to
business." He made the mistake of trying to ignore her concern,
without providing her with a satisfactory solution. This common

concern can't be ignored. It must be dealt with.
Here are some suggestions:


"I am unsure about my long-term goals. Eventually I want a
serious girlfriend, but now I'm not so sure. However, I like you a lot
and hope we can continue getting to know each other,"

"It is okay if you want to stop. I know that if we continue it will
intensify for both of us, I know that I care about you very much and
it will change things. However, I am willing to take the risk if you


are."

"I have some disease, herpes, or VD."

Hopefully the woman will mention this fact before you sleep
with her. If she admits this to you after sex, leave and break up with
her immediately. A woman who lies to you and puts your health in

jeopardy is trouble and has already put you in great risk.

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 309

If she tells you about her diseases before sex, stay calm and
don't get upset. Don't jump to conclusions. First, find out what she
has and if it will definitely interfere with your sexual relationship.
Getting the information will help you make an informed decision
about things. Talk to a doctor or pharmacist about it. Diseases are
far from an exact science. It is likely that even if she thinks the disease
has been cured, or isn't contagious, you still have a good chance
of catching it. Be smart,

If you see a future with the woman, purchase the necessary
protective gear for sex. A dental dam, for example, allows you to
explore her vagina, without getting the secretions in your mouth.
Look at a guide to safe sex for other pointers.

If she has a more serious disease, like crabs, chlamydia, gonorrhea,
stop seeing her until it is cured. All three can be knocked out
with prescription drugs.

HIV is a much more serious problem. Definitely don't have sex
with her, even with condoms. The risks are too great. You might want
to touch and fondle each other, and stop there. But for most men
this won't be satisfying for long. If you fall in love and foresee a
long-term relationship, however, there are always methods to make
it work.

Unfortunately, if she has diseases, you shouldn't see her until
you understand them better. We are not doctors and cannot give you
advice. As ministers of sex, however, we know that many STDs are
treatable and do go away. We recommend that you spend time at the
library, on the computer, or in a bookstore, finding out the facts.
Always talk to a doctor if you have any concerns. In this day of such
dangerous diseases prepare yourself.

"If I were to get pregnant, I'd keep the baby."

No matter on what end of the abortion issue you stand, when a
woman tells you she would keep a baby, it is reason to worry. Why is
she telling you this? She has already decided what to do if, and
when, someone impregnates her. You should be fully aware, too, of
these risks. We recommend that you proceed with great caution.
Don't depend on her to provide the contraception. Even if she uses
an IUD, is on the pill, uses a diaphragm, or anything else, always use


310 / Chapter Ten

condoms religiously and use caution. Stop often to make sure that
the condom is still on, and hasn't broken. If you ignore our advice
and have unprotected sex with a woman who is committed to keeping
a baby, you can easily get stuck with child support payments for
the next 1& years. This does happen. Don't let it happen to you.

"I hate condoms; we don't need to use them,"

When a woman tells you that condoms aren't necessary, an
alarm should go off in your head instantly. You can be sure that the
woman is incredibly stupid, dangerously so. If you follow her moronic
advice you not only are risking your future health, but future

finances if she gets pregnant.
Even though she may be dumb, you can still sleep with her if
you have a condom. She may just really like you, and feel swept up
with the heat of the moment. Once again, proceed with caution and
make sure to wear a condom. Generally, in cases like this, we would
advise you to avoid this woman. She will probably cause trouble
down the road.

She complains about her body

The date went great, just as planned. Now you are finally in bed
with her. After 15 minutes of foreplay, you are in a frenzy, grunting,
eyes closed, teeth clenched, feeling like a million bucks. You are having
sex and loving every second. Out of the blue, you are brought
back to reality when the woman starts to whine about her body, "Do
you think I'm pretty?" she asks. Or, "Do you think my butt is too
large?" The last thing you want to do is talk, let alone discuss one of
her pet problems. Unfortunately, to insure that the experience continues,
you must stop and handle her momentary problem.

The solution is to always compliment her. Say something like,
"I love your body as it is. I wouldn't change a thing. The way you
look totally turns me on. Your (body part that she is complaining
about) is perfect. In fact, I love it. I want it." This type of response
should calm her down and allow you to continue with sex, until satisfied.
Repeat the above process as many times as needed until she

is happy.

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 311

"I am still healing from old relationships and I can't risk

getting hart again. My heart just can't take it."

All of us are vulnerable after ending a relationship. Women
going through the healing process are particularly sensitive because
they are acutely aware of the potential pain that comes from breaking
up. Women in this position are usually looking for an informal
relationship, not another serious one. They are on the mend and are
looking for a transitional fling to get their feet back into the dating
world. They probably want a man who is fun, easy to be around, and
not demanding.

When a woman tells you she is still healing from a breakup, she
wants to make sure you are not going to fall in love with her or
become dependent on her. She wants to avoid the hassle of taking
care of you and worrying about yet another man's feelings. We recommend
you talk to her and tell her that while you are open to a
relationship, you are more focused on having something fun that's
not serious. Ironically, most of the time, mentioning to a woman that
you are interested in a serious relationship is good. It is what they
want to hear and it's a credibility booster. A woman on the mend,
however, wants to avoid a serious relationship. If she thinks you are
looking only for something serious, it will be another strike against
you.

She cries during sex

It is a natural occurrence that some women cry during sex.
They cry for many reasons such as the emotion of it all, the intimacy,
because they care so deeply for you, as a release after an orgasm,
because they remember a traumatic sexual experience or host of
other reasons. Most of the time, just staying calm and continuing will
make everything fine.

When the woman reacts to sex with all-out sobbing, stop having
sex immediately. Hold her and find out what is going on. If you
continue with sex, it will be trouble later. By continuing, she'll think
you are insensitive. After holding her and talking for a few moments,
the majority of women will calm down. You can then move back in
for more action. If not, be patient and weigh whether or not sex will
happen again that night.


312 I Chapter Ten

STAYING ALIVE: SAFE SEX IN THE

If you want to be a scholar of romance, you have to learn to use
your big head rather than the little one. There are two things to
worry about: sexual diseases and pregnancy. Whether you care to
admit it or not both problems effect you. While each can cause massive
problems, they can also be easily avoided.

Most men blame the heat of the moment for not using condoms.
Or they dish off responsibility to women for such things. The
immature man fails to use condoms because he doesn't stay aware
of the dangers. He will ultimately be full of regret for not taking a
long-term view of things and only going for momentary pleasure
with a woman. Using condoms 100 percent of the time is the only

sensible solution.
The most common sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are
chlamydia, crabs, genital warts, gonorrhea, and herpes. Consult with
your local Planned Parenthood Organization or bookstore to
receive brochures on these topics. We will cover the most simple
basics, and strongly recommend you do more reading on the subject
to fully understand the dangers.
If you have an STD, we advise you to tell all the women you
might have infected. While it may be embarrassing, it simply is the
right thing to do. Many of the diseases can be a serious problem if
not treated soon after infection.
We always advise you to see a doctor the moment there are any
problems. There are free clinics all over the US that can help if you
don't have money, STDs are nothing to mess around with. They are
very serious, can cause you and your partner horrible health risks,
including death. We are in no position to advise you on any medication
or cure; only doctors can help with this. We mention these signs
and symptoms as another way to advise you to take the potentialrisks seriously.

Chlamydia

Chlamydia is the most common STD. The Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention report that approximately 4 million people
are infected with this disease every year.

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed / 313

It is particularly prevalent among those 25 and under. Most
mptoms have a delayed reaction and lie dormant in men for three
weeks or more. The reactions are simply minor irritations of the
penis. In women, symptoms stay dormant until they appear as a serious
problem. If it goes undetected, chlamydia can damage their
reproductive anatomy and even cause infertility. The cure is antibiotics,
which usually get rid of the disease and symptoms in one week.

Genital warts

Few things seem worse than having a wart-covered penis.
However, up to 3 million new cases are reported every year, and 24
million Americans may already be infected. This bad news comes
from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, If
you are dating many women at once, your likelihood of getting
warts is greatly increased.

Warts are small, painless bumps. Most commonly, they are
found on the penis, scrotum, anus, or mouth. In women, they are usually
spread deep inside the vagina, or on the cervix. If they go
untreated, they can grow into huge fleshy bumps.

Warts are very serious and require the help of a doctor. The
standard treatment is to remove them with lasers or by freezing.
Even after they are removed, repeat visits to a doctor are advisable.

Crabs

Crabs are similar to lice. They have short lives, yet lay eggs all
over the area they happen to be in. Unlike most of the other diseases,
you can get crabs not only from intercourse, but also through
close physical contact. You can even get them from bed sheets and
clothing. Most commonly, they go for hair: armpit, public, and on the
top of your head. From there they spread onto eyelashes, and any
place else they can get to.

The main symptom of Crabs is itching. The most irritating spots
might look like a rash or zits. You might also notice little white
bumps. These are eggs laid by the crabs. The solution is to purchase
an over-the-counter shampoo and use it, as directed, to kill the suckers.
Also, wash all sheets and clothing that could have come into con



314 / Chapter Ten

tact with them. Eventually, the problem will be solved and thingswill get back to normal.

Herpes

Perhaps you've teased friends who have the obvious herpe
canker sores on their mouth. There was a swell of the disease during
the 1980s. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention now estimate
that approximately 16 percent of all Americans over the age of
15 are infected. That amounts to 30 million people, with 200,000 new

cases per year.
There are two kinds of herpes. The first type is spread through
cold sores on and around the mouth. The second type is spread
through the genital area, usually through sex. Once you have herpes,
it will stay in your body indefinitely. The good news is that it only
flares up occasionally. Some people have appearances often, as in
weekly or monthly, and others only a few times per year.
The first time they appear is the worst. Most people get flu-like
symptoms which usually return before each outbreak. This is followed
by skin discomfort. Herpes looks like a blister, and eventually
scabs and heals. Most people have it for short periods of time, usually
no longer than ten days.
The bad news is that it never goes away. There is no cure. Once
infected, you are always contagious, sometimes more than others.
The closest thing to a remedy is Acyclovir, a prescription drug.
Currently, it is the only prescription for herpes approved by the
FDA. While it won't keep herpes away permanently, it seems to
greatly reduce both the severity and frequency. Talk to a doctor for
a prescription. We also recommend that you call the Herpes Hotline
at (919) 361-8488; it is a wonderful source of information on how tolive with the disease.

Gonorrhea

Nicknamed "the clap" gonorrhea continues to be a huge problem.
Approximately 1 million cases are reported each year with an
equal number unreported. If left untreated, men can expect to have

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed I 315

ainful urination permanently. The symptoms can also spread to
the brain, heart, and joints. For men, the first symptoms will appear
ten days after contact or later. Experiencing pain in the penis and
burning during urination are the first signs. The next step is for a
greenish, grayish liquid to drip from the tip of the penis. Many men,
however, don't experience any symptoms.

The good news is that antibiotics get rid of gonorrhea easily
and painlessly. Your doctor can conduct a urination test to make

AIDS & HIV

The myth that HIV is only in the gay community is completely
false. In 1992, AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome)
became the leading cause of death among American men aged
25-4. By 1995, it was the leading cause among all Americans in the
same age group. We are talking about a problem so horrid and scary
that you don't want to be stupid enough to ignore its far-reaching
effects. There is, as of yet, no cure. All other venereal diseases are a
Cakewalk in comparison.

However, even if a person is infected with HIV, it doesn't mean
that he or she has AIDS. HIV can live dormant in the body for many
years. Eventually, however, most cases turn into AIDS. All of a sudden
the disease paralyzes its victim's immune system.

HIV is transmitted through blood and sexual fluids. This usually
means through needles and unprotected sex. If you use condoms,
you should stay safe. The other solution, is to avoid sharing needles.
If you have herpes, for example, you have a higher risk of contracting
HIV because the sores on your genitals or mouth are an open
target for transmission.

We recommend that every man reading this book get tested to
insure you don't have the disease. It is a cheap and quick test and
can reassure both you and your partner that you don't have HIV, If
you do contract HIV a doctor will be required. You can also call the
national AIDS Hotline at (800) 342-AIDS for help and information.



316 Chapter Ten

CONDOMS:
EVERY MAN'S NECESSARY WEAPON

Birth control and prevention against STDs is your responsibility.
The days of unprotected sex are gone. So are the days of depending
on women to provide the protection during sex. Here are the
facts: If you don't use condoms, and you aren't in a monogamous
relationship, you have a huge chance of contracting VD.

No forms of birth control are 100 percent effective, even when
used in conjunction with condoms. This includes Nor plant,
diaphragm, IUD, cervical cap, and the rhythm method. They are all
risky. No forms of birth control, except condoms, prevent the spread
of STDs. This is why condoms are required for every man.

The only kind of condom that is effective at blocking the
spread of disease is latex; the lamb skin condoms feel better, but
they don't prevent the spread of diseases. We recommend that you
purchase a box of condoms tonight, and keep them handy. They are
your required weapon against diseases and pregnancy. Every successful
seducer has made peace with the fact that condoms must be
worn during every sexual experience.

There are many ways to botch up a sexual experience. If you
are like Bob, you forget to treat a lady like a lady, don't spend time
on foreplay, fail to prepare a room romantically, are overly rough
with a woman, fail to understand her body, don't talk during sex, fail
to retain eye contact, try to rush things, don't hold her or cuddle
after sex, answer the phone, look at your watch, don't have condoms
on hand, insult the woman, and do many other stupid things.

All of these mistakes boil down to three main areas of sex in
which you must become proficient if you are to be a master man in
the bedroom: communication, technique, and attitude. This chapter
has covered how to learn, study, and master all three techniques. We
recommend that you be rigorous in your studies and you will soon
see progress. It may take months or years to become familiar with

them, but it will be well worth it.
From there we discussed the importance of foreplay. We even
provided you with an easy-to-use check list. Along with foreplay we
discussed the pre-work required. Creating the mood, for example, is

Being the Man of Her Dreams in Bed / 317

a major task. Focusing on the lighting, incense, candles, fireplace, and
music are all important parts.

From there we gave you the basics about her orgasm. Most
women need at least 15 minutes of foreplay to get turned on, and
from there at least 15 minutes to achieve orgasm. There will be many

women who require more time, and some who will require less. We
advised you to get her off before you get off. This will ensure she has
a good time, and you will be more likely to get a second date.

After intercourse, the next step is afterplay. We mentioned that,
just as it is essential to get her turned on during the experience (foreplay),
it is equally as important to have her calm down and relax
afterwards. We call this afterplay, which includes holding, cuddling,
talking, and the other forms of touch that come after sex. If you fail
to do this, like Bob, she will most likely think you are a jerk.

Then we covered some of the possible problems and how to
handle them. We discussed safe sex and examined the different
forms of STDs and the possible cures. The STDs include: chlamydia,
crabs, genital warts, gonorrhea, herpes, and HTV, The only way to
reduce your risk is to wear condoms during sex. If you want to be a
master seducer, condoms are essential.

If you follow our advice in this chapter and master communi


cation, technique, attitude, safe sex, and always wear condoms, you

will soon become a sexual master and have many nights of mind


blowing sex.


chapter eleven...
When Babes
Attack:
Handling
Problems Women
Cause

BAD DATES FROM HELL

Date #1

When Jacob went to meet Zoe for their first date, he was
expecting her to be a little nervous. She was a girl who worked at the
health food store where he shopped. She was tiny, punky, and cute,
and responded well to his flirting and romantic overtures. After a
few weeks of romantic banter, she'd come running out of the storeroom
to see him if she heard his voice. He set up a coffee date with
her at a nearby coffee shop. The shop was convenient. The plan
seemed foolproof.

He arrived at the coffee shop, armed with an interesting book
in case she didn't show up. But she did show up, shortly after the
agreed-upon time...with a guy.

"This is my roommate, Tony," she told him. "I figured you
wouldn't mind if I brought him along."

"Of course not," Jacob responded, realizing instantly that his
seduction of Zoe wasn't going to move very far that day. The three
of them sat down. Jacob immediately noticed that Tony was not a
stable person. His eyes and face looked wild and very unattractive.



320 Chapter Eleven

He seemed preoccupied by conspiracy theories. After making polite
conversation for about 20 minutes, Jacob concluded that if he pursued
Zoe further, this psycho guy would probably cause him plenty
of trouble. Two days later, when he called Zoe, she told him "Tony
and I are moving out of town tomorrow. He thinks you're stalking

me," To his relief, Jacob never saw Zoe again.

Date #2

Dennis was new to dating. In his early twenties, he'd always
been too scared to ask women out. The few women he'd dated had
pursued him, and he had always let them have all the power in the
relationships. They decided everything. He passively hoped the relationship
would go the way he wanted, though it never did.

The one woman he did ask out was Daria. She was 19, elegant
looking, and for reasons he couldn't explain, seemed to really like
him. On their first date they sat on a park bench and talked, and she
kept leaning forward, "accidentally" making it easy for him to look
down her shirt. He asked her out again, she said "yes" and he figured
he had it made. Not having read this book, he took Daria to

dinner and a movie for their first date.
Trouble first started when he met her for dinner. "We had our
whole meal and I guess I made kind of a slip," he told us. "I said 'you
are paying for yourself, aren't you?' and she said, 'I don't have any
money,' from there it went downhill."
It turned out Dana was completely unable to take care of her


self in any way. She had no money, and then when they got to the
movie— an "R" rated one— she didn't have any ID, and they had to
go to a children's movie instead. "She just got madder and madder
with me," he says now. "Each time I paid for something, even though
I tried not to make it a big deal, even though it was." After the
movie, he dumped her off at her house, and left behind the most

uncomfortable date of his life.

Date #3

"We went to see the movie Schindler's List, " Fritz told us. "I
had no idea she'd be so upset by it. She started crying about 10

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 321

ytes into the movie, and was still crying in the car all the way back
to her apartment. She couldn't stop, she was really freaked out by it,
Needless to say, my seduction plans were destroyed for that night."

Date #4

Anna had the punk look down cold. Amazingly beautiful to
start with, she had bright orange hair, leather clothing, torn-up Tshirts,
chains, and combat boots. She was also extremely sexually
attractive, going through life looking like some sort of dressed-up
fetish dolly. Brett was thrilled to be going out with such a hot
woman, but there was one problem.

"Of course people stared at her, because she was so hot," Brett

says. "And she hated it. If guys looked at her, she'd glare at them, and

say things like 'what are you looking at, jerk face? Wanna make some


thing of it?'" Then I had to deal with these huge angry guys. After I

got punched trying to defend her, I finally broke up with her."

Date #5

Thirty-six, tall and tan, Rebecca had taken care of her body,

and was often mistaken for a woman in her 20s, The first time Sal

had sex with her they were at his house, and she was incredibly

aroused. "Oh God, I'm so turned on," she told him, "Do me without

a condom! I hate those things! Don't worry, I won't get pregnant!

Even if I do, I don't care, I don't mind having your baby! Just do me

without a condom!" Needless to say, Sal used a condom anyway, but

found himself worrying about Rebecca's attitude even as he was

having sex with her. "How psycho is this?" he asked us later. "To

want me, a virtual stranger, to possibly get her pregnant or give her

a disease? What is going on here?"

Date #6

Rich and Roger were housemates. Roger had been dating Jill,
an unstable, neurotic, highly sexual woman. "I love crazy women,"
Roger told Rich when he started dating Jill. But soon her crazy
behavior was driving them both mad. One day Rich was sitting


322 / Chapter Eleven

home when the front door opened and in stalked Jill. "Where is

she screeched. "Where are you, Roger, you jerk! I've let
have my body ten times, and now you are going to give me whan
want! Where are you?" Roger had to call the police to have Jill

removed, screaming, from their house.

Date #1

Bob and Yolanda were on their third date, when she flipped
out. They were talking about gender issues, and how women and
men are different, and she, as he put it later, "just went nuts on me."
She started ranting about all the bad things men do to women, about

les being used as sex slaves, and female circumcision. "I started
realizing that she was nuts, and I asked her to change the subject.

That's when she hit me!"

Date #8

Dwayne and Emmie were friends. She often came to him with
her emotional problems, of which she had plenty. She seemed ,
like the "trauma of the week." One week it was "my dad abused
me," the next "I think my mother killed my twin brother." He had
no way of knowing if these traumas really happened to her, or not.
He assumed they must have, or she wouldn't have been so unstable.

One night she came over late, talked to him for a while, then
slept on his couch. Four days later, she called him. "You sexually
abused me while I was asleep the other night." She told him, "I'm
calling the police." Fortunately, he had saved many of her crazy, ranting,
self-contradictory phone messages, which gave him a good


chance in court, so she decided not to press charges, If she had, he
might be in jail today for a crime he did not commit.


Date #9

Henry nicked up Jean in a bar. He couldn't believe his luck. She
was sexy, slutty, and had amazing breasts and a completely flat stom'
It was a dream come true. They went to his house, had drunken

sex, and when he woke up in the morning, she was gone.

When Babes Attack; Handling Problems Women Cause I 323

And so was his wallet, his checkbook, and some of the more
valuable knickknacks around his apartment. He never saw her, nor
his money, again.

Date #10

Albert went out with Wendy, a chiropractor who lived in his
town. They had several dates, and were checking out the possibility
of being romantic with each other. They'd had some long phone conversations,
and generally felt pretty connected. One day when he
called her, she said, "I'm gonna stay in alone tonight, and watch a
movie. What do you recommend?" He told her about a film he'd
seen recently, The Addams Family. She rented it, watched part of it,
and called him up the next day. "I just had to tell you," she said, "that
I can't date anyone who would like that movie. I can't see you anymore."


SO HOW DO YOU HANDLE PROBLEMS?

Has anything like this ever happened to you, or to a man you
know? If it hasn't, it probably will. We don't say this to curse you, but
simply to warn you. Not every woman you get to know will be stable,
mentally healthy, and sincere when she interacts with you. Some
will be difficult, strange, unpleasant, scary, or even possibly dangerous.
This chapter is about how to handle difficult women.

The best way to handle a problem is before it becomes a problem.
If Henry had seen the warning signs in Jean, he might not have
been so quick to fall asleep before getting her out of his apartment,
and could have saved his wallet and his valuables. If Roger had
known how dangerous Jill could be. he would have thought twice
before dating her often, or letting her know where he lived. If
Dwayne had seen the warning signs in Emmie, he would never have
let himself get into situations where she could accuse him of sexual
impropriety. By taking simple precautions in advance, these men
could have easily made their lives much simpler and safer.

Men tend to be extremely naive when it comes to women. They
think that nothing bad could possibly happen to them in a dating sit



324 I Chapter Eleven

uation. Nowhere is this naivete seen more clearly than in sex. Many
men idiotically—and incorrectly—think that they are exempt from
needing to wear a condom, for instance. They won't get a woman
pregnant. They won't catch HIV, or some other STD. This sort of
"everything will be fine" thinking permeates men's relationships
with women, and makes them unable to see, in advance, the problems
women are setting up for them. This chapter will help you give
up your naivete around women once and for all. After you read this
chapter, you'11 see the problems coming, and be able to get out of the

way easily.

GAUGING THE MAINTENANCE SPECTRUM


All relationships require some maintenance. Each person, man
or woman, needs certain things to happen in order to feel as if someone
cares about them, and to feel attracted. These needs in a woman
are the maintenance you must do to keep her happy.

Women need varying degrees of maintenance in order to feel
appreciated. Some women's needs are fairly simple. If you are considerate,
or don't treat them like dirt, they feel appreciated and
attracted to you. Other women only feel attracted to you if you treat
them poorly. Still others require constant compliments, gifts, and
attention. Some even need to fight with you and have regular conflict
in order to feel that the relationship is right for them.

You've probably heard men talk about women as "low maintenance"
or "high maintenance." This is a very useful distinction to
make. Here's how you tell the difference, early on, between low
maintenance women, high maintenance, and women who need too

much to be worth it.

LOW MAINTENANCE WOMEN

The low maintenance woman is a gift to men. She doesn't
require elaborate rituals to feel okay about you, and about dating
you. Her needs will be simple, and easy to figure out. She'll even
help you, by telling you exactly what she needs, and meaning it.

Here's what you need to know about her:

When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause / 325

* She takes very little in life personally. The low-maintenance
woman won't jump on your every slip or bonehead remark.
When she is upset, she lets it go easily and is therefore easy to
be with.

* She contains her feelings well. If she's upset, she doesn't show
it, or doesn't take it out on you. She's responsible for her feelings.


* She is not unreasonable. She really tries to be reasonable at
all times, thus making your life easier.
* She doesn't "flip out." If she feels anxious, upset, or stressed,
she handles it responsibly, and often you never even know
about it.

* She feels she has more to learn about everything, and doesn't
jump to conclusions. She isn't overly attached to her own
opinions,
* Her feelings in the moment are not too important to her. She
listens to her feelings, but makes decisions in life from a rational
and logical base.
* She consistently desires sex. She either wants it most of the
time, or gives you sex because she wants to please you.
* She doesn't expect you to know what she needs; she is happy
to tell you.
* She is emotionally consistent, and doesn't have massive mood
swings.
* She is not overly concerned about what other people think of
her.
* She likes you, and likes men.
* She is generative and creative and amuses herself well.
* She rarely complains.
MEDIUM MAINTENANCE WOMEN

You are more likely to encounter medium maintenance
women than low maintenance. The medium maintenance woman
has more needs and takes more things you say and do personally
than does the low maintenance woman. At the same time, she isn't


326 I Chapter Eleven

so wrapped up in her own feelings that she's impossible to deal with,

like the high maintenance woman. The medium maintenance
woman:

* Takes some things in life personally. There are some topics
you'd better just avoid, like pornography, or other women's
larger breasts. Fortunately, this isn't too difficult.
* Takes her feelings out on you occasionally. If she's in a bad
mood she sometimes takes it out on you, and will be bitchy
and start a fight. She'll usually apologize for it afterwards,
though, and perhaps even apologize with sex.
* Is sometimes unreasonable.
* "Flips out," but feels bad about it later. When she has emotional
scenes, she apologizes later.
* Can be sensitive about her weight or looks.
* Is moderately creative, is moderately whiny.
* Likes sex, but sometimes says "no," and has some gripes
about your performance.
* Has moods, but is mostly stable. One day she may be happy,
the next, sad, crying, or furious.
* Worries sometimes about how she looks to other people, and
what other people think about you.
* Dates men, but sometimes likes them, sometimes doesn't.
TOO HOT TO HANDLE
(HIGH MAINTENANCE)

The high maintenance woman is out of control. She has little
control over her moods and behaviors, and has constant problems
with everything, most especially you.

The high maintenance woman believes that she has the right to
be as difficult to be with as she likes. She is incredibly impulsive, and
you have to deal with it. If she feels like yelling at a dangerous looking
stranger, she does it, and you have to handle the consequences,
If she feels like screaming, or crying, or pouting, or generally acting
like a baby, she would never dream of containing herself. She thinks

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 327

nothing of yelling loudly at you during dinner at a nice restaurant
and creating a scene. After all, she reasons, if she doesn't completely
express her feelings at every moment, you are trying to repress
her. The high maintenance woman:

* Takes everything in life personally. If it rains out when she
wants to go on a walk, she's angry at the weather.
* Takes her feelings out on you. If she's in a bad mood—and
she is—she takes it out on you.
* Feels she has the right to be unreasonable. She never makes
any attempt to be reasonable, and you have to just live with it.
* Feels she has the right to "flip out." If she feels anxious, upset,
or stressed, she cries, or screams, or does whatever she feels
like, wherever you might be, and you have to handle it,
* Feels she understands "God's opinion" about everything, and
is happy to set you straight at all times about what you are
doing wrong.
* Is insulted by everything you do.
* Believes that her feelings in the moment are the most important
thing in the universe. She can never just "get off it," and
get on with life. Has to process or fight about everything right
now.

* Is impossible to give feedback to. If you tell her anything
about her behavior, she flips out, screams, and cries, which she
feels she has the right to do.
* Generates nothing, is not creative, complains constantly about
being bored.
* Is incredibly sensitive. Will think you think she's fat, or not
attractive, at the slightest provocation. You don't dare look at
another woman while she's around,
* Is on or off sexually, and you never know which you are going
to get. One night she'll be an incredibly hot vixen, the next
she'll become furious at some little remark you make, and
kick you out of her house.
* Becomes furious if you don't instantly and automatically
know what she needs at all times. Your inability to be psychic
with her is proof, in her mind, of your insensitivity.

328 I Chapter Eleven

* Is incredibly inconsistent. One minute she may be happy, the
next, sad, crying, or yelling.
* Believes there's only one right way to do things, and you aredoing it wrong.
* Worries continuously about how she looks to other people,
and what other people think about you.
* Is very picky about your behavior.
* Dates men, but doesn't really like them. Sees men as a necessary
evil.
Which type of woman do you tend to date? Is she the ultrademanding
high maintenance type? Or is she the medium maintenance,
fairly demanding type? Understanding which degree of main


tenance a potential date will pose is wonderful because it allows you
to determine if it will be worth it to date her or not. Also, you can
expect her to behave in the ways we've outlined. We are now going
to cover how to handle many of the problems women will cause.

THE 8 SECRETS OF HANDLING THE PROBLEMS
WOMEN CAUSE


The biggest trap men fall into with women is they handle the
problems women cause incorrectly. Instead of diffusing the problem,
they often make things worse. You've surely had this experience:
you are with a woman, and she seems upset. You try to help,
and end up fighting with her. She then complains that you are an
insensitive bastard who's incapable of understanding her. This happened
because you probably violated one or more of the following
eight secrets of handling the problems women cause. Follow these

rules, and your fighting days are over.

1. Never solve a woman's problem, or you will become her
problem
Men who don't understand this get themselves into unending
trouble with women. Solving a woman's problem is a big mistake,
because if you do, she'll make you her problem. Here's how it works.

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 329

Women live with problems differently than men do. When men
have problems, we want to solve them, pure and simple. And, by and
large, we don't have a lot of tolerance for men who just want to complain
about problems, but not try to solve them. If a man is designing
a computer program, for instance, and can't get it to work, other
men won't ask him. "Wow. how do you feel about that?" They won't
spend time sharing how it felt when they had a similar problem with
a program they were writing. They roll up their sleeves, and get in
there and try to fix it.

Similarly, men don't indulge each other complaining much
about relationships. If two guys are at the gym, and one says "I
met this hot woman, but she hasn't called me!" the other won't
commiserate much about how bad that must feel. He'll more likely
say, "What's the matter, forget how to use a phone? Call her up,
you idiot!" Problem solved, and on to other topics of conversation.


Women, on the other hand, treat problems differently. Strange
as it seems, women like problems more than men do. They use problems
as opportunities to share their feelings with one another, and
to bond with each other. Women in the locker room will routinely
complain about men they desire who don't call, and would rarely
dream of solving each other's problems by saying "call him, you
idiot!" Simply having the problem, together, is a way of bonding for
women that men must learn to understand.

This difference between men and women is shown clearly in a
recent Cathy comic strip, Cathy's car had broken down on a winter
morning, and she couldn't leave the house to get to work. She called
her boyfriend, Irving, and he said he'd come over to help her. As she
waited for him, a fantasy formed in her mind. "He'll come over, and
we'll be so happy to see each other. We'll drink coffee, and eat morning
buns, and be brought together by this car problem. Everything
else will disappear, and we'll be laughing and happy and in love on
this cold winter morning,"

At that moment, Irving entered. "I called a tow truck, it'll be
here in ten minutes," he tells her. "I also called a cab, so you'll be
able to get to work. I must go, big meeting this morning." Whoosh,
he was gone, and Cathy was left sulking in the final frame, "Men
have no idea how to handle problems."


330 / Chapter Eleven

When a woman comes to you with a problem, you must not
solve it. Let us repeat that, because it seems so strange: when a
woman comes to you with a problem, you must not solve it. We feel
odd even saying it. But it's true. If a woman presents you with a
problem, and you try to solve it, she'll almost certainly be angry with
you. She'll accuse you of not listening to her, or not being sensitive,
and that's the thanks you'll get.

When a woman conies to you with a problem, be grateful. As
long as she has that problem, she won't be making you her problem,
and you are in the clear. Instead of fixing, we advise you to listen to
her, be with her, and help her believe that you understand her feel


ings.
When Leo first started dating Karen, everything seemed to be
going well. One day everything changed. He went to her house for a
date, and found her crying. "I didn't know what to say," he told us,
"but I remembered not to solve her problem. Without saying a
word, I just took her into my arms, and allowed her to cry." This went
on for five or ten minutes, and eventually she stopped. "Later she
said to me, 'I can't believe how wonderful you were! You were just
so perfect when I was so upset!' That blew me away, because I
didn't actually do anything!" If he'd tried to "solve" her problem,
she wouldn't have thought he was so wonderful, and perhaps would
even have been angry.
You must try to be like Leo and comfort her by just being with
her, not fixing. If you must speak, here are some possible things to
say:

* "Wow, tell me how that feels."
* "Sounds pretty intense. Tell me more, if you want to."
* "I just want to support you."
* "I really admire how you're handling this,"
* "Is there anything I can say or do that would help?"
Don't worry if you find yourself repeating these phrases over
and over. She simply wants to be heard. Your mind will be busy anyreminding
yourself to not try to fix her problem. If you find

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 331

yourself about to say any of the following things, stop yourself, and
say instead one of the platitudes listed above:

* "I think you should.,."
* "Why don't you just..."
* "I don't see why it's such a big deal."
* "Have you tried.,,"
These statements will have you starting to fix her, and will get
you into big trouble. Some men think that if they solve a woman's
problems, she'll sleep with him. We discussed this thoroughly in
Chapter 2, and will just remind you now that if you solve a woman's
problem, she won't reward you with sex. All she'll do is think of the
problem every time she sees you. and think of you as a "friend."

2, Remember that fighting with a woman

is like defusing a bomb

One of our students was a military demolitions expert. He told us
about working with bombs. "Most of the time, you handle a bomb by
sending in some sort of robot to just blow it up. No problem if you're
not nearby. The real problem comes when you have to get in there and
do it yourself. You really want to be patient, not jump to conclusions,
and remember what you are up to when you defusing a bomb."

It occurred to us that he was not only describing defusing a
bomb—he was also describing fighting with a woman. If you can get
someone else to take the blast, so much the better, but most of the
tune, you'll have to do it yourself.

Fighting with a woman is a delicate procedure. As in the bomb
analogy, you can't let your mind wander from the most important
thing. In dating, with a woman, the most important thing about a
fight is to end it, quickly, and with the minimum stress. If you get
caught up in some detail of the fight, or let your anger take over,
you'll lose the fight, even if you "win" it technically. You might be
able to badger her into admitting that you are right and she is
wrong, but you will not have created harmony, and you won't be
having sex later.



332 / Chapter Eleven

3. Keep asking yourself, "What's most important to me?"
It's easy to lose your head in a fight with a woman. She says
things that hook you, and make you want to defend yourself. This is
almost as big a mistake as trying to solve a woman's problem.
Consistently remember what your outcome is. If it is early on in your

relationship, and you haven't even had sex with her, we strongly
urge you to avoid fighting with women altogether. If you must fight,
remember what's most important to you: is it more important to
make her see that you are right, or is it more important that she
desire you? Your answer to this question will guide your behavior in

any fight you might encounter.
When Bob fights with a woman, he destroys any chance of
being sexual with her. On his first date with Annette, he started

telling her about his favorite television program. "Babylon-5."
"Geez," she responded. "My one wish in life is that people would
stop telling me about Babylon-5. I don't care about that science fiction
stuff!"At this point, Bob needed to ask himself, "What's most
important to me, sleeping with her, or arguing?" Had he done this,
he might not have made the mistake of responding, "I don't know
what you're so huffy about. It's only the best show ever madeeverybody
thinks so." Naturally, she took offense at this. "Oh,
everybody does, do they? Well, / don't." They started having a little
fight, which irritated Annette, and made her less attracted to Bob.
"What am I doing with this jerk?" she asked herself. It was a good

question.
It's important to realize that taking offense at what someone
says is a choice. Have you ever been insulted by someone, and simply
let it roll off your back? Perhaps you thought to yourself, "It isn't
worth it," and simply went on with your life. At that moment, your
commitment to something else—having the life you want, perhaps—
was more important than proving to someone that you
wouldn't accept an insult.
If you haven't ever allowed yourself to not take offense at a
potential insult, you had better learn if you want romantic success
with women. Women will give you plenty of opportunities to get
angry. You must choose to not take the bait, and choose to not get
offended by anything they say, . If a six-year-old kid told you the
same thing, it might seem obnoxious and annoying, but it wouldn't

When Babes Attach Handling Problems Women Cause I 333

have the same impact as coining from a woman you are interested
in dating. If you can "pretend" she is that kid being silly, it will help
you keep your mind on the seduction.

Our student Ivan made such a choice with Bonnie. He met
Bonnie through a mutual friend, who was taking them both sailing
on his boat. She was in her late twenties, and looked good in her
one-piece bathing suit, "She was cute enough," he told us, "and so I
decided she'd be worth some effort." Their mutual friend mentioned
that Ivan had self-published a book, and since he happened to have
it with him, he showed it to her. "Women usually respond positively
to it," he told us. "But Bonnie started finding all these errors in how
it was typeset, and talking about how it wasn't put together properly.
It really started pissing me off— after all, what had she ever done
that she could talk about? But I kept asking myself, 'What's most
important to me,' and I realized that I didn't care what she thought
of the book. I just wanted to get that suit off." He changed the subject,
without fighting, and went on to other topics. He got her e-mail
address, seduced her first by e-mail, then in person, and eventually
had sex with her. "If I'd fought with her about the book, I would
never have made it anywhere with her," he told us. "It really made a
difference to ask myself what was most important."

4. Never reason with an upset woman
In the film As Good As ft Gets, Jack Nicholson plays a writer
who is asked, "How do you write female characters?" He answers, "I
think of a man, and I remove the reason and the accountability."
While this is by no means always true, you will be far more successful
in fights with women if you act like it is.

If you are with a woman and she is upset, this is also the time
she is likely to be unreasonable and difficult to be around. But this
also holds true for everyone. When you are most upset, you are most
likely to be unreasonable, too. Have you ever tried pointing out the
lack of logic in an upset woman's thinking? How well has it worked
for you? Our guess is, not at all. Reason and logic will only make her
more upset.

At a time like this, your job is not to influence her. Your job is
to influence yourself. You must not get hooked, not try to fix it, and


334 { Chapter Eleven

not try to make her see reason. Keep asking yourself what you are
committed to, and go for that.

5. Don't take anything personally
Geena and Tony were on their seduction date. Their conversations
were going fine until Geena said, "It must be hard not really
being in the real world. I mean, since you only work at the university
and around eggheads all the time, it must make it hard to relate
to real people." Not in the real world? Only work at the university?
This might be an insult, or it might not be. Unfortunately, Tony
decides to take it as one. "Well, what's that supposed to mean? I'm
in the real world!" he says to her. He has taken something she said
personally, and allowed a possible fight to begin,

Think back to a fight you've had with a woman. Most of the
time, the conversation was going along fine. You two were talking
and there was no problem. Suddenly, someone said something stupid
that could be considered insulting. The other person took it personally,
and a fight ensued. Sometimes the woman you are with will
say bone-headed things that sound like insults to you. Sometimes
you will do the same thing to her. As the man and the seducer, it's
your responsibility to make sure the date goes well. If you take
something a woman says or does personally, you lose sight of your
outcome, and the seduction will be ruined.

You must remember what your outcome is with a woman,
especially in any stressful interaction. It's incredibly easy to lake
personally something she says or does, and to let yourself become
insulted and start a fight. Here's a list of things women will do that
you shouldn't take personally. As you date, you'll no doubt find

other things to add to this list.

Not calling you back
Showing up late, or not showing up at all
Canceling or changing dates at the last minute
Not appreciating all the nice things you do for her
Being cold, distant, insulted, or difficult to talk to


Not responding to your seduction
Ignoring you when you say hello


When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 335

6, Handle female rudeness gracefully

So how should you handle these difficult behaviors if you can't
take them personally? Little things, like not calling you back, you
don't really have to deal with if you simply take it on that you will
always do the calling. Ditto with a woman you've just met seeming
cold, or difficult to talk to. Handling that is your job as a man. But
truly rude behavior, like missing several dates in a row, must be dealt
with. If you let a woman seriously inconvenience you without
responding, she will simply do it again, and worse.

The secret is to know how to handle female rudeness without getting
into a fight, and the key to that is not taking what she did personally.
Yes, you want to handle it, but just so she knows what's okay to do
with you, and what isn't. You aren't mad, you aren't out of control;
women won't respect men who act like this. It only scares them. But to
set a boundary for a woman, you must be firm. If you don't take it personally,
you'll be able to say what needs to be said, and to let it go.
You'll be much more effective, and she'll respect you more for it.

Cindy missed two priming dates with Lyle. He didn't take it
personally. He reasoned that Cindy was pushing him, to see what she
could get away with. Because he kept his mind clear, he was able to
talk to her on the phone without starting a fight or making her feel
bad. Instead, he said, "Listen, I like you and everything, but you've
missed two dates. I have a rule you need to know about: if you miss
another date, I can never talk to you again. So if you want to go out
with me, you've gotta show up." His voice was firm but not yelling,
and he was unapologetic. He set a boundary, and instead of whining
about how rude she was, he gave her a simple choice: show up, or get
lost. She showed up for their next priming date, which went directly
into seduction, and then sex. "She was pushing to see how far she
could go," he told us. "I wouldn't have talked to her again if she
missed another date, but I'm glad she showed up." By not taking it
personally, Lyle was able to handle the situation without getting
caught up in his feelings.

7. Listen actively
Some guys think that listening is what you do when you are
waiting for an opportunity to speak your piece. Other guys seem to


336 / Chapter Eleven

think that listening is what happens in between her opening her

mouth to talk, and when you tell her how to fix her problem. If you

are one of these men, have no fear. We're now going to show you

exactly how to listen in the way that makes women feel the best.

Women we interviewed complained about not "feeling heard"

by the men they talked with. You can overcome this if you follow the

simple steps of active listening.

Look interested. Remember when your teachers in school
would ask "are you paying attention?" and you'd snap into focus?
Think about what your body was doing before she spoke to you. She
thought you were bored because you looked bored. You were leaning
back, slumped over, your eyes were unfocused, and you weren't
looking at her. Now think about how you held your body when you
wanted to look interested. You were leaning slightly forward, looking
at the teacher; you were nodding, breathing deeply, and acting alert.

Many men allow themselves to look bored when listening to
women they want to seduce. Even if you are listening, you won't
look it if you are in a bored posture.

Repeat back what she said. If you are in a conflict with a
woman, it can be incredibly helpful to repeat back what she said.
You don't want to be a parrot, like some annoying comedian who
mimics everything everybody says. That would be bad. By repeating
key parts back, however, you show her that what came out of her
mouth actually went into your ears and is still in your brain. Believe
us, she'll be impressed, and it will make anything she has to say to
you easier and faster.

When Chuck's girlfriend Stacey was mad at him for flirting
with other women, he used this very effectively. First he got himself
into a posture that conveyed that he was interested in what she was
saying, even though the truth was that he'd rather have been just
about anywhere than listening to her complain. "I don't like it when
you flirt with other women at parties," she said. "It really makes me
feel bad, like you don't love me." "Let me see if I'm getting what
you're saying," he told her, "because it's important to me to really
hear you. You don't like it when I flirt with other women at parties,
and it makes you feel bad, like I don't love you. Is that right?" "Yea,"
she responded, calming down. "I really want to feel like I'm there

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 337

with you, as a couple." "Oh, I get it," he said back. "It's important to
you that you feel like we're a couple when we are at parties. I didn't
know you felt that way." By this time Stacey was calm enough to talk
normally, and they were able to resolve the problem, all because
Chuck was willing to employ active listening. You don't have to
solve the problem, or even agree with her. A woman will calm down
if she feels like you are listening, and repeating back is an excellent
way to seem like you are.

8. Don't explain yourself
When yon are in a conflict with a woman, you will be tempted
to explain yourself, and to justify who you are, and why you do
things the way you do. Don't do it. A good rule of thumb is to only
answer questions. If she asks you why you did something, tell her,
but don't feel as though you owe her an explanation for every aspect
of your behavior just because she is upset with you.

Remember, you are not out to get your validation in life from
women. You are getting that other places, remember? Women are an
addition to your life that makes you feel good about yourself, not
the central validating factor. If you violate this principle, you are
more likely to be explaining yourself to women in conflicts. Simply
remember what is most important to you, answer relevant questions,
and get through the conflict.

THE THREE WAYS WOMEN FIGHT AND HOW TO
HANDLE THEM


People fight in different ways, and each person tends to be consistent
in his or her way of fighting. There are three basic modes that
people default to. They either cry, yell, or manipulate. Let's discuss
each one of these in detail, and show you how to handle women in
each situation.

1. Crying
Some women love to cry. They default into crying at movies,
weddings, even at long-distance phone service commercials. They



338 / Chapter Eleven

get hurt easily, have tender feelings, and tend to cry right away when
you have a conflict, rather than get angry, or solve the problem.

How to spot her early on: The crier gets moved easily. A wounded
bird on the street causes her to rush out to save it. She seems to
get upset at the slightest thing. If she is extremely emotional about
anything, she is probably a crier. You can ask her how she feels
about starvation, or the plight of Native Americans, and see how
intense she gets about it. If she gets wide-eyed, and her voice gets

urgent, she's probably a crier,

How to fight with her.

Don't get hooked. The crier hooks you with her tears; she gets
you upset and manipulates you. If you'll do anything she wants to
stop her crying, you lose while she wins. Ultimately, this can be a loss
for her, too. Many of our students have made promises to a woman,
which were so outrageous they couldn't be kept, only to stop her
crying. When they broke their promises, even bigger fights ensued.
Getting hooked by a woman's tears, and saying anything to get her

to stop just causes trouble down the road.

Don't be difficult by acting guilty. Men who act guilty and
ashamed when women cry often think they are being compassionate.
Our interviews show the contrary. Women think men who act
like this are the difficult ones. All of a sudden the women feel
responsible for your pain and suffering. It makes things worse for
her and you. If a man acts guilty when a woman cries, he isn't paying
attention to the woman. He's all wrapped up in himself, and
seems selfish and self-absorbed. He needs the woman to tell him

he's not guilty, and is generally very "me-centered." Women have
told us time and again that they prefer men who aren't guilty As one
woman said, "If a guy's not going to do what it takes to make me
happy, he might as well not feel guilty about it. That just makes him

seem like an immature baby."
Understand this, because it is important: your suffering and
feeling guilty doesn't substitute for giving a woman what she wants
from you. It only makes you harder to deal with. If you aren't going
to give a woman what she wants, that's fine. But don't think that
feeling guilty will make any positive difference in her experience.

When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause / 339

Here's what you should do:

Keep asking yourself What's most important to me?" There's
not much more for us to say about this that hasn't already been said.
Simply keep your outcome firmly in mind.

Don't try to fix the problem. We don't need to go over this
again in depth, but we do need to note that it is especially important
with the crier. She doesn't so much need you to fix her problem, as
she needs to think you are willing to hear about it. She wants you to
be with her while she cries. This is not a time for solutions. Don't give
them.

Say the right things. It helps to know what to say to a crying
woman. If you aren't going to suggest solutions, what can you say?
Try these statements:

* "I didn't know you felt that way."
* "I can see why that would be rough for you."
* "I can see this is very upsetting for you."
You can repeat these as often as you need to. They help a crying
woman feel understood, without getting in the way of her feelings.


Silence is Golden! The best thing you can say is nothing. If
she's not upset about you, you can even hold her, silently, while she
cries. It's amazing how often a man can be with a crying woman, saying
nothing but feeling like a world-class dork, only to have her say
later, "You were so perfect when I was upset! How did you know not
to say anything?" Silence is your best friend when you are with a
crying woman.

If you don't allow yourself to be manipulated by them, the
criers are the easiest to deal with. They eventually calm down and
are clear about what they want and need. While they are crying, you
must simply remember what's important to you, show her compassion
for her suffering, and hold your position. Eventually she'll stop
crying, and you can go on with your date.


340 I Chapter Eleven

2, Yelling

Women who default to yelling don't cry—they get angry.
Subconsciously, they figure they can control you if they can scare
you with their anger. If they can't, they will either respect you more
or get out of your life. Either way you win, so it's worth learning how
to handle women who act this way,

How to spot her early on. The yeller is a warrior by nature. She
often 'ikes to fight, looks tough, and is willing to take offense at the
slightest thing you say. If you find that you have to tip-toe to keep
her from getting angry, you are with a yeller. You can also spot one
by her willingness to complain about service in restaurants, or by the
stories she tells of conflicts she's been in.

How to fight with her. The yeller wants to scare you into submission.
Subconsciously, she figures that if she is unreasonable
enough, she can get her way. Besides, it's worked for her in the past.
The solution is to avoid fighting and leave immediately. Later, after
she has calmed down, you can talk and resolve the conflict, if it
seems worth it. But when she yells, or throws a fit, do not tolerate

the abuse. Leave immediately.

3. Manipulating
You've probably heard the saying, "Don't get mad, get even."
The manipulator lives by this code, taking control of you indirectly
and evening the score. Manipulators are the control-freaks in life.
They don't feel safe unless they are able to control everything
around them. This tendency gets much worse when they are in conflict,
because a conflict is a direct challenge to their control.

While the crier attempts to control you with tears, and the
yeller tries to control you with anger, the manipulator tries to control
you with mind games. She is especially preoccupied with being
"right," and having "logical" arguments that prove her correctness.
She will have justifications and arguments for why she is right, but
will drive you crazy in a fight because her "logical" arguments won't
be logical. She'll irrationally insist that they do make sense, all the
while questioning your sanity as you get angrier and angrier about
her inconsistency. She will portray herself as the soul of sanity, a civ-

When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause I 341

I woman sadly drawn into having to defend herself from your
unreasoning, brutish attack. This will make you even crazier, proving
even more in her mind that you are unreasonable and therefore
wrong. When she points out to you how crazy, and therefore wrong,
you are acting, you're Liable to lose your mind entirely. This is not a
pretty sight.

How to spot her early on. The woman who is a manipulator is
often very intelligent, and may be in a field that requires a lot of
"civilized" conflict, like law or administration. She may well be highly
educated. These signs alone, however, are not enough; many
women who aren't manipulators share these characteristics, and
many woman who are manipulators don't.

When you are on a date with a manipulator, you'll find that she
needs everything to be "just so." She is very particular about her
needs and her comfort. It is often important for her to reject your
idea, just so she is sure she has the power to do so. Her "reasons"
occur to you as incredibly lame. You may ask her out to a Chinese
restaurant, for instance, only to have her reject your choice by saying,
"I had Chinese food last week." She's practicing her control.
Watch out.

The manipulator is hard to please. There's always something
just a little wrong with everything. Complaining, for her, is a way of
establishing her control. She may send back her food at a restaurant,
or want a drink with a particular brand of gin. If that brand is not
available, she will, with a heavy sigh, have nothing-at all. She may
complain about details of the way you dress. You'll notice that you
feel as if she is particularly controlling and persnickety. That's
because she is.

How to fight with her.

Don't argue with her. Watch out, this kind of woman can drive
you crazy. The only way to keep from going insane with a manipulator
is to not fall into the trap of arguing with her about the nonsense
she is spewing forth. This will never work, and will only drive you
insane. Your rebuttals will only perpetuate the fight. What the
manipulator wants is control, not logic. She is afraid that if she loses
control, something bad will happen to her. Pretending to care about
logic and reason is her way of getting that control. She gets to drive


342 / Chapter Eleven

you crazy, then demonize you as an illogical, wrong, out-of-control
nut case. If you argue with her about her logic, she has won immediately,
and it's all over for you.

Tell her she's right. Tell the manipulator that she is right as
much as you can stomach doing it. If there is some small point that
she is correct about, tell her, and emphasize that she is right about
it. "You are right that this relationship is very important to us both,"
you might say. "That's very, very right." Try not to sound sarcastic.
You are trying to give her as much control as you can, so she'll calm

down, without letting her control you.

Apologize for not being logical. It's also very powerful to tell
the manipulator that you are sorry that your feelings aren't logical.
She can insist that your feelings should be logical, but you can
always come back with, "I guess that's not the way I am." As long as
you don't get drawn into an argument about whether or not you
should be more logical, you are safe. "It's just important to me to be
able to go out with my ex-girlfriend as a friend," you might say. "I'm
sorry it doesn't make any sense. I know how frustrating that must be.
But it really is how I feel, and I don't think that's going to change."

Tell her how important she is to you. Keep in mind, she's not
a bad person, she's just scared of being out of control. It can help her
calm down if she hears how important she is to you. If she's not
important to you, you can find something about your relationship
that is. You can almost always truthfully say that "I hope you know,
it's important to me that you feel good and happy." Of course it's
important—she's much easier to be with, and you get more of what
you want when she's happy. Just hearing that will often calm the

manipulator down.

Change the scene, YOU probably aren't going to get anywhere
useful in argument with a manipulator, so you might as well get it
over with as quickly as possible. See if you can leave, or get the two
of you doing something else that doesn't allow you to argue, like


seeing a movie or being with other people.
These are the three defaults of conflict for a woman. But don't
think that only women fall into these categories. Men do, too, even
you. Most men are yellers or manipulators, few are criers. You might


When Babes Attach Handling Problems Women Cause / 343

want to look over this section again, and see which kind of fighter
you are, and see if that's really the way you want to be.

THE FOUR CLASSIC WOMEN TO AVOID

While all women cause problems, certain types cause more
than they are worth, and you are better off avoiding them. For
example, there are four classic psycho-types: The Flipped Out, the
Paranoid Police-Caller, the Street Fighter, and the Bitch Goddess,
You must know about them so you can spot them, and avoid having
them mess up your life.

Craziness in women is on a continuum, and it's not always easy
to tell when a woman is so crazy that you should avoid her. Here are
the general warning signs that should alert you to the presence of a
possible psycho woman:

She had an abusive childhood. Psycho women were often
abused, sometimes more severely than you can imagine. Severe
physical and sexual childhood abuse is tragically common, and psycho
women are often the outcomes of such childhoods. If she tells
you she was beaten and raped as a child, she may very well be worth
avoiding.

She tells you intimate details right away. This often comes
along with an abusive childhood. If a woman was abused, and she
tells you about it the first time you meet her, that's an especially bad
sign. It means she probably has very weak boundaries. The good side
of this is that she might therefore be easy to get in bed. The bad side
is that it won't be worth it when she flips out,

She's been in a lot of abusive relationships. Same as above.
Avoid her.

She seems like a hypochondriac. If she seems to have a lot
wrong with her physically, that can also be a sign of a mental problem,
though this is by no means always true. It's our experience and
that of our students that a woman with lots of allergies, for instance,
or food sensitivities, can be trouble. A woman who needs to never be
around perfume or in a room where someone once smoked a ciga



344 Chapter Eleven

rette can be impossible and unstable in relationships. We don't know
why, but it's true.

She is obsessive/compulsive. Often such women will tell you
right away. "I'm a really obsessive person," she might say, or "I've
never let go of anything that didn't have claw marks from me holding
on," It may seem strange that someone would show you such a
disturbing part of her psyche right away, and it is. It's a warning sign
to stay away, unless you want her obsessed with you.

A "red flag'"goes off inside of you. This is the most important

guideline of all. Men's good sense disappears when it looks like they

might have an opportunity to have sex. They pursue sex even when

it's with crazy women who they know will cause them unending

problems. Don't be a jerk. If a "red flag" goes off inside of you, and

you have a bad feeling about a woman, be a powerful, confident

man and stay away from her. If you are smart enough to apply the

technology in this book consistently, you will be having sex. You

don't need to humiliate yourself by making trouble with psychos. We

say it again: if you have a bad feeling about a woman, stay away from

her. Listen to yourself, and trust your instincts.

The four types of women to avoid have these characteristics in

abundance. Let's look at them more closely, one type at a time:

1. The Flipped Out
The Flipped Out is like the crier, only much more so. When she
"flips out" and cries, it is often in the context of a sexual abuse flashback.
She tends to hyperventilate as she cries, saying one word with
each breath, so her speaking sounds like "I (gasp) am (gasp) feeling
(gasp) very (gasp) scared (gasp)... "By hyperventilating, she unconsciously
assures that her brain chemistry will stay messed up, and she
will stay flipped out.

2. The Paranoid Police-Caller
This woman will tell you about men she's been stalked by,
men she's called the police about, and men she has restraining
orders against. It is critical for your future life out of jail that you

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 345

stay away from this woman. She often has an abusive and crazy exhusband
or lover who she says still torments her. She changes her
unlisted phone number every few months. This woman has been
traumatized and learned that men are going to hurt her, and that
the law is her only recourse. Eventually she will inevitably see you
as a perpetrator, too. Stay away from her, no matter how hot her

body is.

3. The Bitch Goddess
This woman is like the manipulator, only much more so. One
such woman was in the film LA. Story, playing Steve Martin's girlfriend.
At one point he says to her, "I don't think you understand
how unattractive hate is." The Bitch Goddess never does.

You are only likely to pursue such a critical, difficult woman
because she's very physically attractive, and you think you can get
her into bed. You ignore how negative and hate-filled she is, because
you hope to have sex with her. Of all the types to avoid, this one is
the most benign. If you can have sex with her a few times, then get
rid of her, your suffering will be minimal. If you get into a relationship
with her, however, you might~as well castrate yourself now,
because she's going to do it eventually.

It's good to start to notice such women and practice keeping
away from them. By avoiding the most psycho of women, you will
save yourself from much suffering.

4, The Street Fighter

The street fighter is the type who loves conflict. She can turn a
wonderfully fun evening into an all-out crappy time. The fighter will
constantly try to get you to argue with her, and the moment you fall
for her ploys, you are in deep trouble. She tends to be mean-spirited,
dramatic, and highly passionate.

Some signs of the street fighter are that she loves to criticize
others and basks in being opinionated, asserting her opinion, and
generally turning people off. She tends to be highly political, righteous,
bitchy, and difficult to be around.


346 / Chapter Eleven

If you stay with a fighter, you will get burned badly. She will eventually
test your patience, and you will try to get out of the relationship.
It will end in a huge blowout. The other threat is that this type will
become violent with you, and attack you. If a woman shows signs of
being a conflict-lover early on, take it as a sign to get rid of her.

THE TWENTY-THREE
PROBLEM WOMEN


All women are problems. (Don't get too smug about that,
though. You are a problem, too, as we'll see later.) The faster you can
recognize what kind of problem a woman is most likely to present,
the faster you'll be able to deal with that problem, and the more

likely the two of you will be to have a happy relationship. Here's a
list of problem women. How many of them do you know?

The rich bitch

The alcoholic/druggie

The therapist

The princess

The "I hate you for loving me"

The bar-fighter/cat-fighter

The depressed

The angry feminist

The arguer

The complainer

The religious moralist

The drama queen

The nag

The wounded bird

The stalker

The anorexic

The hypochondriac

The enabler/reseuer

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 347

The performance artist

The control freak

The know-it-all

The look-gooder

The earth mother

SIXTEEN PROBLEMS CAUSED BY YOUR
TENDENCIES


As we've mentioned, women are not the only source of problems
in relationships. You cause problems, too. So it is just as wise to
prepare for the problems you'll cause as it is to prepare for the ones
she'll cause. Here's the list of problem men—which one are you?

The Sensitive New-Age Guy

The Sensitive New-Age Guy, or SNAG, tries to seduce women
by being forever nice, helpful, artistic, and sensitive to women's
issues. He wears crystals and lets his hair grow long. He may pretend
to be a peaceful musician and play the drum, or may enjoy practicing
guitar in the woods. The main problem he causes is that he pretends,
even to himself, that he's not a rutting sex-crazed beast, like
other men. He's all full of light and goodness. When he does something
mean to a woman—and he does—it is totally unconscious.
Further, he never takes responsibility for all the people he offends.
He also has no vitality or masculine presence. If you are this guy, get
more guy friends and start eating meat. Go see some strippers.
Admit you have a dark side. Be more like other men, and you'll get

more sex.

The Special Boy

Like the Sensitive New-Age Guy, the Special Boy prides himself
on not being like other men. He often has one or two "special"
relationships, usually platonically with women. He often dresses in
an unusual way, or wears very "special" items of clothing. Most
women avoid him because he sends an immature message about


348 I Chapter Eleven

himself. They say that there's something weird about him. Those
women who don't avoid him like him, but only as a friend. If you are
a Special Boy, you'll be happier and get more sex if you concentrate
more on how you are like other men than on how you are different.

The Feminist Man

This well-meaning man has taken on women's freedom struggle
as his own, but there's a subtext to his behavior that is disturbing
to most women. He is able to talk easily about how men are the
problem in the world, and how "all men" hurt women in various
ways. It's as if he doesn't think of himself as a man. He may even say
that he doesn't, preferring the term "person." The Feminist Man is
deeply ashamed of his maleness, sexual fantasies and masculinity.
On top of all this, he secretly thinks he can get sex by apologizing for

being male.
If you are one of these men and you want to be successful with
women, you have a problem. You must stop aligning yourself with a
movement (feminism) whose leaders say, as Andrea Dworkin did.
that "all men are rapists, and that's all they are." Practice saying, "I
support equal rights and responsibilities for women, and I am not a
feminist." You'll start to feel better about yourself immediately.

The Woman's Friend

As we've said before, you must limit your number of female

friendships, because they get you in the habit of not being women's
lovers. If you must be friends with women, at least try to seduce
them, even if only in a joking, flirty way. Never let it be forgotten
that you are a man and she is a woman.

The Woman's Friend thinks he can get sex from women by
being friends with them. This ploy rarely works. If you use this
method, and want sex, stop being their friends. It really is that simple.


The Beaten Down by Life/No Vitality

The fundamental message of this book can be boiled down to
one statement: Be a generative, vital man, and women will want to


When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause ' 349

you more sex than you can handle. Everything else in this book

is just telling you how to do that with women. The Beaten Down
Man has given up on life. He has no energy, no vitality, and barely
makes it through the day. He seems slumped, stressed, and
depressed. Life is too hard for him. The Beaten Down Man is not
attractive to women because he's not generative and vital. Who
wants to be around someone who isn't fun, energetic, and who is

overly serious?
If you are Beaten Down, you can overcome it. Taking on the
practices in this book will increase your vitality and generativity.
You may also need to look at your physical health, to change your
diet, or exercise regularly, or get massage, or do something to bring
more energy into your body. As you become more vital, women will
desire you more.

The Beer-Drinking Jerk

The success of the drink-beer-be-jerk-get-girl strategy is almost
directly related to age and physical attractiveness. If you are an
attractive 22-year-old weightlifter, being a drunken jerk in a bar can
get you sex. If you are 40 with a beer gut, however, this strategy is
out of date. You not only have to study the techniques in this book,
but also to un-learn your old ways of getting drunk, burping, and
belching to get women. It won't work for you anymore.

The Know-It-Alls

These are the guys who have an answer for everything. Women
hate it when men lecture them or talk down to them, all things the
classic know-it-all loves to do. He often works with computers, or in
another technical field. He believes that the more knowledge he can
share, the better person he is. The more technical language and
examples he uses in conversation, the more people will like him. He
often uses his knowledge as a way of one-upping himself over someone
else. This helps him feel good about himself. When you show off
your knowledge as a source of self-esteem, you are actually only
showing off your level of insecurity. You are much better off developing
your self-esteem from how you live your life, not from how
much data you've absorbed,


Chapter Eleven

If you think you might be a know-it-all, practice saying "I don't
know" at least once a day, even if you think you do know. Stick with
your assertion that you don't know. If people around you seem more
relaxed and friendly when you do this, you are probably a know-it


all. Give it up.

The Control Freak

Did you think only women can be control freaks? Guess again,
you too might also be one. The Control Freak has to control every
little detail of everything. It's very hard for him to go with the flow,

or follow someone else's leadership without criticizing. An insecure
woman who has no self-esteem might be attracted to a man who
provides so much structure, but eventually she'll rebel. If you notice
that everybody always seems to end up doing what you say, you
might be a Control Freak. Try doing what other people want occa


sionally. You'll be more attractive to women.

The Androgynous Boy

"Androgynous" means "appearing both male and female." Some
men favor this feminized, non-masculine look. If this describes you,
it will actually cause more problems with other men than it will with
women. Some men are infuriated by men who seem "too feminine."
One androgynous man we know is constantly hassled and harassed

by men even though he is straight.
If the Androgynous Boy is cute in a boyish sort of way, some
women will be attracted to him, while others will be repelled. Sadly,
though, few will take him seriously as a fully mature, adult man. If
he is not particularly attractive, however, it will be very hard for him
to get sex. If you are androgynous and not attracting the women you
desire, try wearing more masculine clothing and eating more meat.

The Comedian

The comedian performs for women. He thinks that if he's
funny enough, and entertaining enough, women will sleep with him.
It is true that women tend to value a sense of humor over almost

When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause / 351

anything else in men they are attracted to, but alone it is not enough.
Women will end up thinking of you as an entertainment machine,
and expect you to perform, rather than as a man they could get

romantic with.
Comedian men also show a certain level of insecurity through
their constant need to make people laugh. It's as if they are always
asking for some sort of validation from others that they should be
getting from themselves. Women sense this, and relegate the comedian
to the status of "friend." If you find you are a comedian with
women, joke less, and see what happens. They might find you more
interesting.

The Geek Boy

It's more fashionable to be a geek now than it used to be, but it
is still a horrid seduction strategy. The Geek Boy's main problem is
that he is more comfortable with machines than he is with people,
especially women. He retreats into the world of computers or
machines, where he feels he understands what's going on.

This book is perfect for the Geek, because it presents a manual
about seducing women. The Geek can become a good seducer
because once he understands a system can be mastered, he masters
it. Geeks do especially well with our system, and if you are a geek,
you are reading the right book. Read the damn manual, as technical
support often says, and do what it says.

The Therapist

The therapist breaks the cardinal habit of Highly Effective
Seducers— never be a prospect's therapist. The Therapist thinks
that if he can only solve a woman's problems, she'll want to make
love to him. As we said in Chapter Two, what happens in fact is that
she wants to get away from him, and will then come to him about
problems she's having with the jerk men she's having sex with. If you
find yourself in this category, you have a choice to make. Do you
want to be a woman's therapist, or do you want sex? If you want sex,
make the right choice today. If she brings up her problems, change
the subject, and start seducing her.



352 / Chapter Eleven

The 12-Stepper

The 12-step program is a wonderful fellowship that has saved
many lives, and we're not here to put it down. But it is worth mentioning
that men deeply involved in the "program" create predictable
problems seducing women. If you are such a man, it's a

good idea to know what to watch out for.

The 12-stepper tends to take life a little too seriously. He
screws up seduction by needing to talk too much about his emotional
pain, and by his need to appear "vulnerable" by sharing his

childhood traumas. He also turns women off with his need to think
of everything in terms of addiction. If she wants a drink, he asks if
there is a history of alcoholism in her family; if she lights a cigarette,
he lectures her on the perils of nicotine. Pleasure, it seems is inherently
suspect to him, and a woman notices this. Not wanting to hear
him describe his sex addiction, she doesn't get sexual with him.
Worrying about addiction and the free spirit of seduction don't nec


essarily go well together.
If you are in a 12-step program, more power to you. Stay with
it; it can make a huge difference in your life. And when you try to
seduce a woman, remember you are not at a 12-step meeting. She
doesn't want to hear about your emotional pain, or about what an
addict you are. Keep your outcome in mind, and focus on the seduc


tion.

The Slave

The Slave thinks that any positive attention from women is a
sign that he's on his way to having sex with them. To this end he does
everything for a woman that she could possibly want. If she's hungry,
he makes her dinner. If she needs his help moving furniture, he
makes an elaborate show of canceling going to a party so he can be
at her beck and call. He figures that her occasional compliments
about how "sweet" he is, along with the obvious sacrifices he makes
for her, will eventually and inevitably add up to sex for him. He

keeps being her servant as he awaits that day.
The truth is that women hate Slave men, even as they use them
mercilessly as handymen, cash machines, and secretaries. The day of

When Babes Attack Handling Problems Women Cause I 353

sexual reward will always remain in the future, and the Slave will

ever get what he wants. It's like the Dilbert cartoon where he has a
date with a woman to "grout the tile in her bathroom." That's not a
date, it's being an idiot. If you find yourself being women's slave, you
must stop right now, as you are destroying your chances with her
sexually. Realize that every Slave action you take only builds her
contempt for you, even as she praises you for your "sweetness." Take
the actions we recommend in this book instead.

The Whiner

The Whiner is like the Beaten Down By Life guy, only louder.
Rather than suffer in silence about what the world has done to him,
the Whiner makes sure everybody knows about it. He sends a loud
and clear message to women that says "I am immature and you want
to stay away from me." Women get the message, and want nothing
to do with him.

You may have every right to whine. You may have an especially
rough life, and everybody may well be out to get you. We don't
argue with that. Our point is that you'll get more women by dealing
maturely with your problems than you will by whining about them.
Like the Slave, the Whiner thinks that, if he gets a positive, compassionate
response from a woman, he must be on the road to sleeping
with her, Like the Slave, he mistakes any positive reaction for
arousal. The only difference is that, while the Slave seeks a "you're
so sweet, you make me so happy" reaction, the Whiner seeks a "I
feel so sorry for you" compassionate reaction. Neither approach
works with women.

If you find yourself complaining to women about the difficul


ties of your life, stop it right now. They may appear compassionate

about all you've suffered, but compassionate and aroused are com


pletely different emotional states. Deal with your life, and seduce

women. Don't complain to them.

The Desperate

We've talked a lot about the dangers of desperation to your
seduction, so we'll only touch on it briefly here. The Desperate man


354 / Chapter Eleven

needs women to validate him; this results in a constant inability to
relax around them. He is more like a puppy dog waiting for a treat.
He seems heavy and awkward to women because he is so afraid that
he won't get the validation that he needs so desperately from them.
If you are Desperate, you must learn to get your validation from
your life, rather than from women. It is especially important that you

pursue many, many women, so that any one woman's response to
your seduction is not particularly meaningful. As you do this, your
desperation will decrease, and you will have more success.

We've seen that women don't cause all the problems, after all.
Too bad; it's much more satisfying to pin the blame on someone else.'
rather than on ourselves. A powerful man, however, is accountable'
for every area of his life and takes responsibility for how things turn
out. As you figure out the kinds of problems you are likely to cause
when seducing women, you can take responsibility for those problems,
solve them, and be a much better seducer.

HOW TO HANDLE THE TOP PROBLEMS
WOMEN CAUSE


You no longer have the excuses you once did for getting into
relationships with extremely difficult, demanding, unstable women.
If you apply yourself to mastering the techniques in this book, you
will be able to date as many women as you like. You'll be able to

pick one that works best for you.
But trouble rears its ugly head even in the most "together" of
women. To help you handle those inevitable breakdowns on the
road to utter sexual fulfillment, we are providing this emergency
tool kit of ways to handle the common problems women cause,


Q: What should I do when she cries?
A: If a woman cries on a priming or seduction date, it's a very
bad sign about her stability. There may be some extenuating circumstance—
she just dropped an anvil on her foot, or her mother
just died. But most of the time, she'll be crying because she's emotionally
unstable and unable to contain her feelings. You may be
able to have sex with her, but proceed with extreme caution. Keep

When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause 355

an ear open for any indications that she's had to involve the police
in any of her relationships. If she has, she might be unstable enough
to mistakenly interpret something you do and call the police on you.
If she has called the police, stay away from her. If you do decide to
go ahead with her, be aware that you will probably want to have sex
with her only a few times because she's likely to be too unstable for
anything long-term.

If she cries after you've been having sex with her for a while, it
may simply be an isolated emotional episode, and you can follow the
advice from earlier in this chapter, and let it go. If a woman cries
while you are having sex with her, you have to give up on the sex and
deal with it. The bad news is, if she does this once, she's likely to do
it again. If she hyperventilates while she cries, and gasps a lot and
can't stop, she may be having a flashback, and is re-experiencing
some earlier sexual trauma. If this happens, you need to know that
it probably is not going to stop happening any time soon.

Q: What should I do when she's inconsistent?
A: Inconsistency and illogical behavior are commonalities
shared by all humans, including you. She's probably marveling at how
inconsistent you are. You've got to expect a woman to be inconsistent,
and not worry about it. One minute she might like chocolate, the next,
hate it. Fine. One day she may think your new leather jacket looks
great, the next, bad. Okay. One date she may want to get away from
you, the next, have sex with you. Whatever. Don't take it personally.
Q: What should I do when she is moody?
A: Many women think that they have a perfect right to be
moody, and a right to be as difficult as they want to be when they are
in a mood. As one woman we interviewed told us, "I don't care if I
am difficult to men!"
As usual, you must ask yourself what's most important to you.
and not take her behavior personally. The most critical thing to
know when dealing with a moody woman is how to not reward her
for being in a bad mood. You may not think you reward women for
being in bad moods, but you probably do. If you tiptoe around her,
cow-tow to her every demand, and are extra-nice to her, all you are


356 I Chapter Eleven

doing is training her that being in a bad mood is a great way to get
you to treat her better. Guess what? She'll be faster to get back into
a bad mood, and stay there longer, because of you.

The key for handling a woman's bad mood is to:

1. Acknowledge it.
2. Show some compassion for her problems,
3. Stay upbeat and happy.
4.
Get away from her as soon as you can. Let her work through

her mood, and get together with you later when she's feeling

better.

Here are some things you can say to take you through each of

these steps:

1. Acknowledge the mood. "Had a bad day, eh?" "Not feeling so
good today, eh?" "Having a rough time, eh?"
2. Show a little compassion for her mood. The key here is to never
try to solve her problem. Just listen to her, and show a little compassion.
You might say: "Sounds rough. I know how bad a bad
mood can be." "Wow, I'm sorry you are having a hard time."

3. Stay up-beat. This is critical. You must go on with your life, little
affected by her bad mood. Otherwise, you are simply
indulging her and rewarding her for being down. You
shouldn't do this in a sarcastic or overly enthusiastic manner;
just make it clear that her mood is not going to change yours.

4. Get away from her as soon as you can. If she's really down,
she'll either want to sort it out with your help, sort it out
alone, or take it out on you. If she wants your help, don't offer
solutions: just ask her clarifying questions so she can get clear
on what she's upset about. Hopefully, it won't be you. If she
wants to sort it out alone, or take it out on you, get away from
her. You'll be happier later that you did.
Q: What should I do when she has PMS?
A: Premenstrual Syndrome is real, and has a profound effect
on women's physiological and emotional states. If you don't believe
When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 357

such a thing is possible, remember back to a time when you felt so
horny that you were about to lose your mind. Perhaps you hadn't
had sex in a while, and felt particularly teased by all the lovely young
women around you. Some men get so riled up that they start barfights
and get into trouble, just to deal with the hormonal mess that
is going on in their bodies. PMS is equally real. The main difference
is that a woman who behaves badly because of PMS has a medical
excuse. When you behave badly because you are horny, you are still

just a jerk. Oh well.

A woman who has constant problems with PMS may make a
good short-term lover, but, sadly, is very difficult to be in a long-term
relationship with. If she gets angry or weird or difficult, then apologizes
by explaining she has PMS, seriously consider dating someone
else. This is not going to get better, only worse. If she is committed
to handling it responsibly, and is treating it medically, she may be a
good relationship partner. But if she handles it by taking it out on
you, even once, consider looking elsewhere. If you are in a relationship
with a woman who has PMS, stay away from her when she is at
her worst.

Q: What should I do when she has a flashback?
A: A "flashback" occurs when a person, male or female, relives
the emotions of a past trauma, as if it were happening right now.
Flashbacks are part of a syndrome called Post-traumatic Stress
Disorder, and you are probably not qualified to handle it if the
woman you are with has one. Flashbacks can involve hyperventilating,
crying, touch-aversion and even talking to people who aren't
there. A woman in a flashback might scream "He's coming to get
me!" or "It's happening again!" If a woman was severely sexually
abused, she may have a flashback while you are having sex. This is
not fun for either of you, and a good reason to avoid having sex with
any such person. Staying out of these situations is the best thing you
can do.
While we are not putting ourselves in the position of giving you
medical or therapeutic advice (which we are not qualified to do) we
can tell you our anecdotal experience, which indicates that if you
stay with her, the flashback will usually end in an hour or two. But


358 I Chapter Eleven

sometimes it won't, and some people have to be hospitalized. If she
starts to freak out in any way during sex, stop at once, and see if you
can change her focus off the feelings in her body. Take her out for
ice cream, or take her into a different room. Get her involved in a
TV program. Ask her questions about her work. If you can get her
mind involved in something else, she may not flashback. Then stop
pursuing her romantically, and find a more stable woman.

Q: What should l do when she criticizes me?
A: There are different levels of criticism. You have to balance
the criticism against how attractive the woman is, and how fun you
think she'll be in bed. If the criticism is small and her breasts are
large, you may want to let it go. The best way to let it go is to not
defend yourself. Simply say something like, "Oh, that's interesting
that you feel that way," or "I didn't know you felt that way." Never
justify what she is criticizing, or explain yourself. That will get you
into a conversation, or even an argument. Remember your outcome.
You are there to seduce her, not prove how right you are, and how
much you are above her criticism. If you acknowledge it, and let it
go, her criticism can go away as fast as it arrived.

It sometimes works best to nip criticism in the bud. She may
not even know she is doing it, and may need you to call her attention
to it. You might calmly but firmly say "Hey, you've never spoken
to me like that before, and I didn't like it. Please don't talk to
me like that again." If she is very critical, this will only start a fight,
but you shouldn't be spending much time with very critical women
anyway. As Madonna says, "Respect yourself." Have sex with her a
few times, and when her critical nature gets unbearable, move on.

Q: What should I do if she hits me?
A: Leave instantly. Get your hat and coat and go. Say nothing.
Ignore everything she says. Be out of her house or apartment within
thirty seconds. We mean it. You want her to learn that striking you
ends all interactions immediately. For a woman, that is a big punishment.
You also want to leave her with the knowledge that she just
hit you. When she thinks of you, you want her to remember that the
When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause I 359

last interaction the two of you had was her hitting you. That is more
likely to change her future behavior than anything else.

It goes without saying that the stupidest thing you could possibly
do is hit her back. You must never hit a woman, under any circumstances,
do you understand? In the eyes of the law, when a
woman hits you, even if she hits you first, it is almost always selfdefense.
If you hit her, no matter what she did to you, you are always
domestically abusing her. Your pathetic whining that "she hit me
first" will not keep you out of jail, especially if she denies it, which
she will. Don't hit her back, and don't stay and argue. Leave at once.
It's the best way.

Q: What should I do when she doesn't want sex?
A: Having an ample sex life means that you can pretty much
have sex whenever you want it. There are plenty of women out there
who love sex as much as you do, and who will almost never say "no"
to you, once you have become lovers. This is the kind of woman you
are looking for.
If a woman doesn't want sex the first time you are in bed
together, that may be a sign of a problem. If she simply wants to wait
a date or two for the "big event," go ahead and wait. If she says that
she simply doesn't feel like it, however, you may well be left wondering
why she got into bed with you in the first place. She may have
a very on-again, off-again relationship with her desire, one moment
wanting sex, the next hating it. Such a woman will destroy your
sense of sexual confidence, and you must get rid of her and sleep
with somebody else.

If you are sleeping with a woman on a regular basis and she
occasionally doesn't want sex, lighten up. It's not a big deal. If she
consistently withholds sex, you aren't lovers anymore, and you
should stop dating her.

Q: What should I do when she criticizes my sexual
performance?
A: Not all people are sexually compatible. One of our students
dated a woman who accused him of being sexually violent when he

360 I Chapter Eleven

thought he was being gentle. One woman we interviewed told us she
was "riding" a lover, thinking she was displaying enthusiasm and
passion, and he told her dryly that her movement up and down
reminded him of a sewing machine. The point is, the message you
think you are conveying sexually may not be what she is getting.

Some women simply can't be dealt with once they've started
criticizing a lover. One man told us about a woman he dated who
would cry during sex because "you are doing it all wrong." When he

asked what she wanted different, she said "You have to just know!
Oh, someday I hope I have a lover who knows how to do it right!"
He had a choice between this difficult woman and his sexual selfesteem.
He broke up with her, and moved on.

Other times a woman's criticisms are worth listening to, and
can improve her responsiveness. If she doesn't like her nipples
pinched, and you pinch them, she'll be a happier and better lover if
you listen when she tells you to stop. The best way to avoid a
woman's sexual criticism is to ask her questions about what she likes
during the first time you have sex, and afterwards. If you integrate
these suggestions into your sexual play, she'll have less to criticize.

You can also find out a woman's lovemaking preferences
before you first have sex with her by asking "What do you think is
important to women in a lover?" She'll then tell you what she likes,
as if she was speaking about all women.

Q: What should I do when she hates my porn collection?
A: When you are seducing a woman for the first few times, she
simply shouldn't be allowed to find out that you have pornography.
The only exception is if she asks to see some while you are having
sex, and this is rare. Put it away where she won't find it when she's
looking for a shirt to wear while she makes coffee the next morning.
As you get to know her better, continue to keep your porn
where she won't see it, until you can figure out how she feels about
it. The main thing you need to know is that if she hates porn, you
must never argue with her about it. Simply listen to what she has to
say, then change the subject. Arguing about pornography will never
change a woman's mind on the subject. Don't even try. And keep it

away from her.


When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 361

Q: What should I do when she doesn't like my friends?
A: When you are first seducing a woman, she shouldn't meet
your friends. Your friends represent an unnecessary variable in the
seduction equation. You don't know what kind of idiotic things they
may say or do to screw up your seduction. They may even try to steal
her from you! If you run into a friend when you are out with her, get
rid of him as quickly as you can.
After you've been sleeping with a woman for a while, she may
begin to get to know your friends. The thing to know is that you must
never abandon a friend because a woman doesn't like him. Don't
hang out with them at the same time, but don't write him off, either.
Some men abandon their male friends when they get into a relationship
with women, and they pay the price in loneliness later.
Don't make this mistake.

Q; What should I do if she hates sports?

A: Ah, sports, the great divide between men and women! First
and foremost, you don't indulge her desire to argue with her about
sports. This is another instance where you can be as right as the day
is long, and discussing it with a woman will still do nothing but cause
trouble in your relationship. If you are in the process of seducing a
woman, don't share the sports-loving part of yourself. No positive
purpose is served by telling her that your idea of a great Sunday
afternoon is to watch two football games and both of the pre-game
and post-game shows. She'll find that out about you soon enough. If
you are sleeping with her regularly the rule is the same: don't argue
about it. If she wants to, acknowledge that she doesn't like it, and
change the subject.
Q: What should I do when she is jealous?
A: The first question to ask is, why is she jealous? Is it because
you flirted with and tried to seduce another woman, right in front of
her face? Remember, when you are out with a woman, she is the
only woman who exists. You must not check out or flirt with other
women, or you will irritate your date, and the seduction will be
ruined.

362 / Chapter Eleven

Q: What should I do if I find unpleasant surprises
under her clothes?
A: This can happen. Henry was a rock musician and, after a
performance in a bar, picked up an extremely hot woman and took
her home. "When I reached under her skirt, I discovered she was a
'he!'" Henry told us. "Needless to say. I told him to get the hell out
of my apartment," This is an extreme example of the kinds of surprises
you can get when you finally get a woman's clothes off.
One of our students took an attractive woman back to his
apartment, only to discover that all of her body was covered by fine
black hair. "It was an incredible turn-off," he told us. "I felt bad
about it, but what could I do?" Another man told us about a date
whose bustline turned out to be entirely padding. "I was so looking
forward to getting my hands onto her breasts," he said. "I might as
well have saved myself the time I spent seducing her, and grabbed a
box of tissues!" Another man told us of a woman who had a pungent,
unpleasant smell once he got her in bed. It's tragic, but sometimes
it happens that you want to get rid of a woman because you
discover she just doesn't turn you on. What should you do?

Most of the time, it doesn't pay to tell her your specific gripe
about her body. All you'll do is upset her about something she may
have little or no control over. Why devastate her? Why be mean? Try
saying something like "I know! Let's go get some ice cream!"Then
jump up and start putting on your clothes. You can also say "I really
want to know you better before we take this any farther," to tactfully
slow down unenjoyable sexual play. It's no fun to have to bail
out on a sexual experience, but if you do, try to do it as gently as possible.


Q: What do I do if she wants to talk about marriage
on the first date?
A: Sometimes relationship and marriage conversations can
show up on the first date. Women who are over thirty years old often
suddenly decide that it's time to get married. They will sometimes
tell you this on the first date, or even before accepting your invitation
to go out at all. "I have to tell you," she might say, "that in my
When Babes Attack: Handling Problems Women Cause / 363

twenties I was really into just dating around. Now I want a serious
relationship. What do you think about that?" If you don't answer
that you want a serious relationship, too, she probably won't go out
with you.

The proper way to handle this is to be honest, but not to put her
off. If you aren't really looking for a long-term relationship, remember
that this doesn't mean you wouldn't get involved in one if you
met the right woman. She might actually be that woman; you simply
don't know. So you don't say "I'm just looking to date around and
have lots of unattached sex," She'll disappear instantly. Instead, try
"I'm not really sure. I know that if I met the right woman, I'd be
interested in the long term. I just don't know if I've met her yet."
She'll stay interested, and you'll be able to go out.

You are now ready to handle the problems women cause. You
can spot the women you should avoid, and understand the three
modes of female fighting. Also, you've looked at the problems you
cause in dating, and seen some steps you can take to stop creating
the problems you have been having with women. You have a list of
pro tips for handling specific problems. You are ready to roll.

More important, you now understand that no matter how skillful
you are with women, problems are inevitable. You can let go of
worrying that there is something wrong with you if the woman you
are dating goes wacko on you. It's not personal, it's just part of dat




chapter twelve...
After the Date—
Keeping
Up the Pursuits

So you've been flirting like crazy with every woman you meet,
and asking out the most responsive ones for priming dates. Of those,
some have shown up for the dates, and some have not. With some of
those who showed up, you did a good job making the proper romantic
moves, asking the romantic questions, and leading romantic conversations.
With others you got scared, lazy, or intimidated. With
some you winked, smiled, touched, held eye contact, and even went
for that first kiss. Some may have been put off by you, and others
were entranced. You set up seduction dates with those that were
entranced, those who liked you, and prepared for the next move.

On the seduction dates, you created romantic experiences that
excited and entranced both of you. You spent time together doing
things that were extraordinary and wondrous for her. You gave her
little gifts. You paid attention to the little details, and those details
made the experience seem like magic. You ended up near a bed, and
had condoms with you. When the time was right and she was thinking
of the first kiss and more, you went for it.

You got her into bed, and were an attentive, creative lover.
Now it's the next day, she's left your home or you've left hers, and
you are looking back on the date, feeling satisfied, powerful, and
happy. You succeeded in the best way possible. Congratulations!


366 / Chapter Twelve

Or perhaps something else happened. You had a seduction
date, but didn't make it all the way into the bedroom. Perhaps you
created romantic feelings, and kissed her until she told you to slow
things down. Or perhaps she rejected you completely, and couldn't
wait to get away from you. Or perhaps you didn't even try, and let
the seduction date deteriorate iuto mere socializing.

Under any of these circumstances, what should you do next?
No matter how far the date went, your course afterwards is clear:
you must make it a success in your own mind, decide where you
want the interaction to go next, maintain your investment, and create
the next seduction date. This chapter will tell you how to do all
of this, and keep all your seductions alive and moving forward.

MAKE IT A SUCCESS IN YOUR OWN MIND

When Bob goes out with a woman and doesn't end up having
sex with her—which is most of the time—he beats himself up. "Why
can't I ever get a woman to want me?," he moans. "After all the work
I do, I never end up with anything. I bet I'll never have sex with a
woman again." His catastrophizing and pessimism make it impossible
for him to think he's succeeded at any aspect of the date unless
he's had sex with a woman. At the beginning of your training to
become a seduction master, such a way of thinking is impractical.
You must learn to make every interaction with a woman into a success,
whether you had sex with her or not.

You have to decide what your definition of a successful date
will be. If you are like Bob, and you see a date as successful only if
you had sex, you are making it more difficult for yourself. The bottom
line is that your definition should leave you feeling good after
any interaction with a woman. Your definition must help you learn
whatever you can from the date, and leave you charged up for your

next encounter.
The average guy seems to think that to be a success with a
woman he has to be able to go from first seeing her on the street to
having sex with her in twenty minutes or less. Alternatively, he
thinks that he must be able to always be perfectly smooth, never
alienating or blowing it with any woman. This is too stringent a definition
of success, and will not get you the kind of life you want.

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 367

Besides, these goals are unrealistic, even for the best seducers. Even
they can blow it, and are occasionally rejected. What they do know
is how to make all interactions with women, even the "failures," into
successes.

We suggest that you adopt this definition: if you learned something
from your interaction with a woman, it was a success. This isn't
just "fancy footwork" thinking, either. If you've learned anything
from the experience, you'll be able to handle that situation better
the next time it comes up with another woman. And it almost certainly
will come up again, you can be sure of that. You should be
able to find a way to learn something from every interaction; therefore,
you should always be successful.

No matter what kind of a date Bruce has, he finds a way to make
it into a success. If he goes out with a woman who turns out to be a
screaming angry feminist, he may learn some new ways to notice
such women earlier, or he may use the date as an opportunity to try
a new approach. If he goes for the first kiss and the woman says "no,"
he may learn some new warning signs of sexual rejection. Or, looking
back over the experience, he may discover some crucial step in
the seduction he's been skipping. If, after making out with him, a
woman refuses sex at the last minute, he may notice something he
was doing that was offensive that he never noticed before. By changing
this, he may be able to get sex more reliably in the future.

We suggest that you make every learning experience with a
woman a success, and that you not rest after any interaction until
you've discovered what you have learned. Just keep asking yourself,
"What did I learn from this?" and eventually you will figure it out.
This way you insure your future. You keep yourself moving forward,
rather than allowing yourself to become dejected and to give up.
You drive yourself relentlessly toward inevitably having the sex life
you desire,

DECIDE WHERE YOU WANT
THE INTERACTION TO GO


Now that you know the woman a little better, you must ask
yourself: where do you want this interaction to go? Do you want this
woman to be a short-term sex partner, or do you think she'd be good


368 I Chapter Twelve

relationship material? Are you excited about seeing her again really
soon, or are you burning her phone number and hoping she'll
never find out where you live? You must assess your reaction to the
date, and decide where you want your interaction to go next.

While you usually won't be able to tell right away if a woman
would be a good relationship partner, you can often tell if she
wouldn't be. There may very well be something about her that you
know you could handle for the short term, but that will inevitably
destroy any chance of you having a long-term relationship with her.
You are better off acknowledging this to yourself right away, and living
with that reality. If you don't, you are in denial and allowing
yourself to get sucked into a relationship that will cause you constant
suffering. If a woman is too unstable for you, or too fat, has
political beliefs you find repugnant, has an annoying personality, or
is simply not good enough in bed, you need to recognize it right
away. With such a woman, plan to have a short-term relationship.

MAINTAIN YOUR INVESTMENT

By the time you've gone on a seduction date, you've done a lot
of work to move things this far. She feels good about you, and you
feel good about her. There's a sense of chemistry and connection
between you. Now you must keep those feelings alive. Whether you
had sex with her or not, if you don't maintain the feelings that
you've created, they will go away, and you'll have to start all over
again. Remember, a woman likes it when you are attentive, and
when she thinks that you are thinking about her. If you disappear
after a date, she'll assume that you aren't thinking about her, that
you have lost interest, and don't like her. Worse, she may decide that
you only wanted her for sex. If she had sex with you, she'll assume
you used her and are now tossing her aside. Thinking this will make
her angry. If she didn't have sex with you, she may assume that you
only wanted her for sex, and are now dumping her because she didn't
put out right away. This will make her angry, too. The next time you
approach her, you may have to overcome this anger to even get back
to the level of connection you were feeling before you disappeared.
Sometimes this is easy, sometimes it's hard. If you maintain your

investment in the first place, you'll have less re-work to do.

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits / 369

As you date more and more women, you'll find that sometimes
you stop doing the things that are necessary to maintain a connection
with some of them. This may be a sign that you are not interested,
and you may want to let them go. It may also be a sign that
you are getting lazy, and sloppy. If you want success with women and
an abundant sex Life, you must, as we've said so many times, be
working on many women at once. This means that there will be a
number of women who you are maintaining and deepening your
connection with at the same time. If you find one has slipped out,
and you still desire her, simply start maintaining the connection
again. There's a very good chance that, with work, you'll be able to
rebuild the good feelings she has for you.

It's important to understand maintenance because it is an
important key to all kinds of success. It's not only important in
short-term, but also in long-term relationships, and in every other
area of your life. Consider: the parts of your life you maintain are
the parts of your life that you focus on improving daily, or almost
daily, in some small way. Your constant attention maintains those
parts of your life, and allows them to continue to expand and grow.
For instance, if you are committed to making more money, and
maintain that commitment by taking action on it every single day,
you will make more money. If you are committed to improving your
health, and you maintain that commitment by taking action on it
every single day, your health will improve. If you are committed to
improving your long-term relationship, and you maintain that commitment
by taking action on it every single day, your relationship
will improve. And if you are committed to building romantic connections
with women, and you maintain that commitment by taking
action on it every single day (or at least consistently), you will build
romantic connections. Maintenance is the way you keep these connections
growing once you are dating or having sex with a woman.

It's the sad truth that dating is like everything else in life: you
are either moving forward on it, or you are moving backward. Your
connection with a woman is either getting better, or it's getting
worse. There is no standing still, no middle ground. Life moves on;
you are either keeping up with it, or falling behind. You must use
maintenance to keep things moving forward with the women you
are dating.


370 I Chapter Twelve

THE ART OF MAINTENANCE

Maintenance is anything you do to keep the good feelings

going in any connection you are building with a woman. Bob doesn't

practice it. After Bob goes out with a woman, he is usually so

depressed that he can't bring himself to do any follow-up work.

After one date, a woman Bob is interested in never hears from him

again. "I'd call her, but I'm really busy right now," he tells himself.

"Things are swamped at work, and geez! I really need to get orga


nized in my life before I get into pursuing women. Besides, if she's

interested, let her call me up!" Of course, all of this is just excuses.

The truth is, Bob is too busy wallowing in his self-pity about being

such a failure to take the consistent actions that would lead to his

success. Two months later, he thinks longingly of that woman again.

"But I can't call her now," he tells himself. "I haven't talked to her

for months!"

Let's compare Bob to Tom, When Tom first started dating Lisa,
he understood the power of maintenance. "We went out for a priming
date, and at the end of it I kissed her. We then went on a seduction
date, where I took her to the zoo, and gave her some nicely
wrapped little animal trinkets I'd bought earlier at the zoo store. We
kissed at the end of that date, but it didn't feel right to take it any
farther. But I knew it was important to maintain the feelings that we
had built. Between the first seduction date and the second one, I
made sure to drop by her work and leave a little love note for her
with a single rose. On the next date, we had sex." After having sex
with her, Tom decided that he liked her enough to continue seeing
her, and so he continued to maintain their connection. "I called her.
we had sex, and I sent her another note," he says. "She was over


joyed to go out with me again."

You mustn't do what Bob does. You must maintain your
romantic connections by taking simple maintenance steps so that
you can keep the romance alive and growing.

What maintenance does

Maintenance accomplishes three key tasks in keeping a romantic
connection vital. It makes a woman feel special and attracted to
you because:

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 371

Maintenance shows you are thinking of her. Even if you aren't
thinking of a woman all the time, it's worth taking the time and energy
to do some things that make her think that you are. Women love
to know that a man they like is thinking of them, and they hate it
when you are not. Therefore, showing you are thinking of them is a
key female need that maintenance fulfills.

Maintenance shows you are putting in time and effort.

Maintenance shows a woman that you are putting time and effort
into your connection with her. Note that we said "time and effort,"
not "money." Most women are far more impressed by a card you
made yourself or a brief love note with a rose, than they are by
something you spent lots of money on but much less time and effort.
As we've said before, spending lots of money to seduce a woman is
not necessary, and, by itself, can be counter-productive. If on your
date she longs for the days when Coca-Cola came in bottles rather
than cans, listen to her. If you find her a six-pack of bottles of Coke,
wrap them nicely and give them to her with a humorous note. We
guarantee you'll get farther than you would with a more expensive,
but impersonal gift.

Maintenance shows her you are a generative man Women are
attracted to men who are able to create the kind of lives they want.
They are usually not attracted to men who are victims in their lives,
and to whom life seems to "just happen." When you maintain your
connection to a woman, you show her that you are a man who is
committed to and capable of generating, in a sustained way, the kind
of life that you want. You show her that you are creative, and actionoriented.
You set yourself apart from other whiny, complaining, victim
men, and become more desirable to her.

The secret of good maintenance

Maintenance will probably not come naturally to you, and
you'll have to make yourself do it It's like doing your taxes, or getting
the oil changed in your car. Like Bob, you'll find excuses for not
maintaining romantic connections. In truth, you'll just be too scared
to try something new with a woman, and will tell yourself you are
too busy or give yourself some other lame excuse. You'll want to
have a romantic relationship "just happen" rather than put in the


372 / Chapter Twelve

effort to generate it yourself. Because of this tendency, you must use
your date-book to schedule time to work on maintaining your romantic
connections. This means you schedule time in, just as you would
a meeting or an appointment.

Tom does this for the women he's working on. He currently has
five women he's in various stages of dating; two he's flirting with on
a regular basis but hasn't asked out yet, two he's had priming dates
with, and one he's had sex with several times. He has 15 minutes
scheduled three times a week to work on things that will maintain
these relationships. "Sometimes the time goes over, but I know that
in fifteen minutes I can at least put together a game plan," he says.
"With Stacey, the woman I'm having sex with, I put in enough time
to figure out something special to do on our next date. I also see if I
can figure out any new ways to make her feel special. For the two
girls I've had priming dates with, I spend time devising our seduction
dates, perhaps calling museums to find out hours or preparing
fun little gifts I can give them. One of them has e-mail, so I spend
some time sending her romantic poetry that way. With the two I'm
flirting with, I try to figure out when I can conveniently drop by their
work."

By scheduling the time to do these things, he's able to create
the impression that he's naturally spending time coming up with
ways to make each woman feel special. He's not doing it naturally,
though, and neither will you. He's scheduling time to do it, the way
he would any other appointment or task. Maintaining connections
with women is surprisingly fun to do, but only comes naturally in
relationships where there is "magically" intense chemistry and
strong feelings. By making yourself do this kind of maintenance, you
create and build those "magic" feelings.

Frequency of maintenance

When you take maintenance actions in a relationship with a
woman, you are applying what behaviorists call "reinforcement." A
"reinforcement" is a reward—something that feels good-—that the
subject gets for performing a certain behavior or for having a certain
feeling. For instance, giving a dog a treat when he comes when you

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 373

call his name reinforces the behavior of coming when you call. In
time, the dog will look forward to coming when you call, because he
knows that obeying you will mean he'll get a reinforcement that he

likes.
The thing to notice is that if you give the dog a treat every single
time he comes when you call, he'll start to get lazy. He'll figure,
"Eh, why should I hurry? I can get over there in my own good time,
and take the treat." Constant reinforcement stops being effective
after a while.
You may have noticed this in your own relationships. Have you
ever had someone who consistently goes out of his or her way to
make you feel special? Suppose that one morning, out of the blue,
someone at your work place brought you a cup of excellent coffee
when you first sat down at your desk. You'd probably feel pretty special,
and you'd be happy to see that person later in the day. You
would have associated seeing that person with the good feelings you
got from the gift.
But now imagine if that person brought you coffee every single
day, like clockwork, and never missed a day. At first you'd probably
appreciate it, then you'd notice it less, then you'd hardly notice it at
all. You might even start complaining when the coffee wasn't exactly
the way you liked it, or get angry if he or she missed a day. You'd
naturally go from being delighted by the constant gifts to seeing
them as a regular part of life, or even as something you intrinsically
deserve. This is a natural reaction to constant, unvarying reinforcement.
If you constantly shower a woman with gifts and attention, you
run the risk of the same thing happening. At first, it's important to
reinforce a woman constantly; it gets her in the habit of being happy
about seeing you. But after a while, if your gifts and attention are
going to stay effective, you must start bestowing them a little more
irregularly. This is what behavior experts call a "variable schedule of
reinforcement." You don't give her flowers every week, or every
date. You don't always have a little gift for her. You don't always
show up to flirt with her at the same time, or on the same day. You
vary your schedule of making her feel extra-good, and thus keep the
interaction exciting and fresh for her.



374 I Chapter Twelve

Tom puts a variable schedule of reinforcement to good use.

"When I first start dating a woman, I go out of my way to make her

feel good a lot," he says. "But in time, I know I can start scaling back.

As long as I keep making her feel good often, I get better results if

I don't reinforce her with special gifts or presents every single time

I see her." The classic trap to watch out for is any reinforcing behav


ior that begins to look like a habit to you. Keep an eye open for

things you always do to make her feel special. Don't always bring

her gifts, don't always visit her work place once every three days.

Vary your schedule of reinforcement, and you'll have a lot more suc


cess.

THE FOUR MAINTENANCE KEYS THAT KEEP HER
WARMED UP AND WAITING FOR MORE

We've helped you understand what maintenance is, why it's

important, and how often to do it. Now let's give you some specific

things you can do to maintain your budding romantic relationships.

Each of these activities is easier to do if you actually like the
woman you are maintaining. In fact, all of your interactions with
women will be much more successful if you select women that you
like. AH these activities are the things you would naturally do if you
were falling in love, and had chemistry driving you both crazy with
attraction and lust. But beware—these actions will likely not only
make her feel attracted to you, they will also increase your attraction
to her. Don't be surprised when you start to really like her as

you do these.

1. Love notes and poetry
We discussed love notes in Chapter 6, so we'll review them
here only briefly. Before you have sex with a woman, love notes
should be brief. After you are having sex with her, they can be
longer, but only if you are sure what you saying to her will be wellreceived.
A quick note with a single rose, delivered to her work
place a few days after a priming date, can do wonders for your

seduction.

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 375

2. E-mail
Always ask women you are interested in if they have an e-mail
address. E-mail is the perfect medium in which to write romantic letters
that will flatter and arouse her, but not seem too overwhelming.

You can conduct romantic conversations via e-mail, and have
the "home-court advantage" of being able to carefully pick your
words and review them thoroughly before she ever sees them.
Simply pose one of your romantic questions as we describe in
Chapter 7. Then answer it, as if she had asked it back to you. Say
something like this:

"My friend Mary was just telling me about the most romantic
date she was ever on. It was amazing. Imagine this: you are out with
a man you really like and find really attractive. You are sitting in this
gorgeous outdoor restaurant, overlooking a lake. The autumn colors
are just perfect. The air is fresh and smells so great, you feel like you
don't even need to eat, you just want to sit there and breathe that
sweet air and look into each other's eyes. Anyway, that's how she put
it. And you have this incredible date as the sun goes down over the
water, the stars come out and then the moon rises, and the two of
you feel so connected, so in love; you know what I mean? I'd be curious
to know, if you'd care to share with me—what would you say
was your most romantic moment ever?

"Mine was seeing a Celtic music concert in a beautiful outdoor
theater in Boulder, Colorado. You can imagine how it felt: there you
are on a cool summer night, listening to this amazing music with a
person you are so attracted to. And I love the way great music gets
into your body, you know what I mean? It's like you can get lost in
the rhythm of it together; it's incredible. Afterwards, walking under
the mountains on the grounds near the performance, that warm, safe
feeling of holding hands...just spectacular.

"Anyway, I seem to be getting carried away here. I just wanted
to tell you I had a great time on our date, and am looking forward
to seeing you again."

By describing these romantic experiences, you cause her to
visualize them, experience the feelings of them, and to link those
feelings to you. If you go into great detail, it's a good idea to add a
closing paragraph that says something like "Anyway, I seem to be


376 / Chapter Twelve

getting carried away here," or "I see I'm rambling on; I guess I'll
close this note now." Such statements seem to soften any odd feelings
she might get from what you wrote, and help her feel comfortable
e-mailing you back.

3. Flowers
Sending or bringing her flowers is a powerful romantic move.
While you would probably like it if a woman sent you flowers,
women really like it. Flowers are an enduring (at least for a while)
reminder of you to her. They go well at any stage of a relationship.

There's no need to spend lots of money of flowers if you don't
want to. A simple $10 bouquet or a single rose with a note and a
handful of chocolate candies will go as far as $60 worth of roses, and
cost a lot less.

Buying flowers is simple. Go to a flower store, and tell the
salesperson, "I want to spend ten dollars on romantic flowers. Set
me up." Buy or make a card, write a few romantic lines on it, and
you're done!

Having flowers delivered is more expensive, and is most appropriate
after you've had great sex with a woman. If you get a woman
into bed and the sex blows your mind, you might want to send her
flowers at work, along with a card that says "Words fail me. That was
wonderful. Thank you for last night." If you do this, more sex with
her is virtually assured.

If you drop flowers off for her at her work, be sure not to stay
very long. We suggest that you pop in, leave her with a great feeling,
and get out. If you hang around, you just get in the way of her work
and risk saying or doing something that messes up the seduction. If
you hang around, you are also more likely to start thinking of yourself
and your needs, and to begin ignoring hers. You are likely to
start wanting her to acknowledge what a great guy you are. Keep the
focus on her, and leave her alone with her flowers.

4. Gifts
We taught you about the power of little gifts, properly given, in
Chapter 8. Let's review the basics.

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits / 377

First, when you give a woman a gift, it can be cheap as long as
it is clever, funny, or meaningful. Second, the gift must be wellwrapped.
If you don't have time to wrap it, don't give it to her.
Giving a woman a wrapped little gift is like giving someone a gift
certificate to a favorite store. It shows thought and feeling, and
makes her feel good. Giving a woman an unwrapped little gift is like
giving someone your pocket change, and saying "buy something
with it," It gives the impression that you aren't really putting any
effort into the present.

If you take a gift to a woman's work place, treat it as you would
flowers. Give her the gift and get the heck out. It's no use risking
messing up a good feeling by hanging around and getting in the way

of her work.

DESIGN THE NEXT SEDUCTION DATE

Along with handling the maintenance, you need to start designing
the next step of the seduction. If she's not yet an utterly willing
sex partner, panting for you to come to her house and have sex with
her at any time day or night, there's still work to be done.

Not all seduction dates end in sex, so it's important that we
look at all of the possible outcomes, and show you how to generate
the next step. Our diagnostic benchmark will be the kiss. Did you
kiss her? Did you kiss her and make out with her? How much? Did
you have sex with her? Did you try to kiss her and were rejected?
Did you not even try? Depending on how far you got, you'll have
varying options for your next seduction step. You must assess what
you accomplished or didn't accomplish, and plan your next moves
accordingly. Let's look at these outcomes one at a time, and help you
generate the next step in where you go from here.

You kissed her

Congratulations! You achieved an outcome you were after. If
you kissed her and didn't take things any farther, the question to ask
yourself is, why did you stop? It may well have been the right thing
to do: it might be very important to her that the two of you move


Chapter Twelve

slowly. She may not be feeling enough connection with you yet to
take things farther. You may have decided to slow things down, or
you may have decided that you don't really desire her after all. If
you want to take things farther, you must plan. Ask yourself what's
it going to take to get her into the mood to have sex with you.
Another seduction date? Calling her late in the evening and asking
if you can come over? Cooking for her at your house? Answer these
questions as part of your planning.

You kissed her and made out with her

Good work! You've gotten that first kiss and more. You made
out with her, possibly felt her body, and taken some of her clothes
off. The questions for you to ponder as you design your next seduction
date are these: do you still want to have sex with her? What will
it take to accomplish that? If you got significantly more than a kiss,
but less than sex, you probably will get sex the next time you go out
with her, provided you don't screw things up. You might ask yourself
what you can do to keep the romantic feeling alive, while still getting
her in bed quickly. Plan another seduction date, and keep things
moving along.

This time, you can start it, rather than end it, near a bed. On
Franklin's first seduction date with Petra, they took a walk at a zoo,
went out for a nice dinner, and ended up making out for more than
an hour on his living room floor. He removed most of her clothes,
and she removed most of his, but her panties and his underwear
remained on.

For the next date, he wisely invited her to his home for dinner.
He touched her romantically the moment she arrived, and she was
responsive. They had drinks and hors d'oeuvres before the meal
and, in his candlelit living room, began to kiss. It got more and more
intense, and they ended up having sex right there on his living room
floor, before they even had dinner, "Total elapsed time from coming
into my house to having sex with me: one hour," he told us. "If we'd
gone out, it would have taken much longer." If you kissed and made
out, having a bed—or some other private area—nearby is a good
idea for the start of your next seduction date.

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits / 379

Your first kiss led to sex

If you had sex with her, congratulations! You are "the man"—
for now, anyway. You now have some fun things to decide:

First, decide if you want to have sex with her again. Some connections
with women are best kept to one-night stands. She may tell
you this, directly or indirectly. If she jumps up to leave right after
you've had sex, it's a sign that you just had a one-time sexual experience.
Ditto if she suddenly gets cold and distant. She may be afraid
of getting "too close," and be withdrawing emotionally to keep that
from happening. Let her go, be grateful you had sex at all, and realize
that it may be harder to get her in bed the second time.

You may decide that, much as she might like to see you more,
having sex with her again wouldn't be right for you. You might not
have liked sex with her very much; perhaps she cried, or just wasn't
a good lover. Perhaps you found her personality so aversive that you
aren't willing to risk that seeing her again might lead to some sort of
relationship. She might also seem overly unstable to you.

Whatever the reason, if you are certain you don't want to have
sex with her again, there isn't much to do. You may decide to call her
the next day (see below), but if you leave her alone, she'll probably
leave you alone. If you do want to have sex with her again, read on.

Decide if you want to call the next day. It's really important to

women that you call the day after having sex with them. Really, real


ly important. They tell us that it upsets them when men don't call.

Once again, it's a double-standard: while they would never dream of

calling you the next day, they absolutely expect you to.

This doesn't mean you have to call, of course. You only have to

call if your top priority in life is never upsetting a woman. We

believe that women aren't delicate flowers .They are tough, and they

know that dating can be tough. While she does want you to call, she

probably won't be sobbing on her couch, surrounded by attendant

girlfriends giving her Kleenex and cartons of Rocky Road ice cream

if you don't. You probably don't have the power to upset her that

much. The problem is if you don't call the next day she'll be angry,

and she won't want to give you sex again anytime soon. For this rea



380 I Chapter Twelve

son, as much as any other, it's best to call if you think you'll ever

want another sex session with her.

The call doesn't have to be any big deal. Sometime during the

next day, call her at work or at home, and say something like "I just

wanted to call and thank you for last night. It was great. I keep

thinking about what a great time I had, and what a great woman you

are. Thanks," In this case, communication by answering machine is

permissible. The important thing is that you call, and that she know

you called.

If you do talk to her in person, keep it short. You can set up the

next date at this time (if you have planned it out!), or simply set a

date and not make specific plans for what you will do. You can also

tell her you want to see her again, but don't have your calendar in

front of you, and will call her. But don't tell her you'll call her if you

don't intend to. Simply thank her for a great time, and end the call.

You tried and were rejected

Perhaps you tried to kiss her, and she said "no" to you. That's
fine; a little rejection helps remind you to not take what happens
with a woman personally or too seriously. How should you handle
it?

The first thing to do is assess the duration of the rejection. Was
she rejecting you forever, or was she rejecting you "just for now"? If
it was a "just for now" rejection, she may still be interested, but want
you to first do more pre-work. She may simply need another romantic
date, some flowers, and a little more time. If she says something
like "not now," or "I'm not ready yet," or "I don't know you well
enough," that's a good sign, even if she's turning down the kiss. It
means you are on the right track, and with enough work you will get
what you want.

She may also just be testing you. Some women want to see how
you respond when they say "no." They want to make sure you are
taking them seriously and will respect their opinions and wishes.

If her rejection is more permanent in nature, you have a bigger
problem, if she slapped you and stalked off, or if she pulled away
from your attempted kiss and winced, it may be more permanent.

After the Date—Keeping Up (he Pursuits I 381

Women who are rejecting you for the long term are more likely to
tell you so: they'll say "I don't feel that way about you," or "I just see
you as a friend." If it's a permanent rejection, don't waste any more
time on her; it's bad for your self-respect to chase after a woman
who has zero interest in you. Why bother wasting time? Get away
from her and keep working on the other women you are pursuing.

It's not always easy to figure out if a rejection is temporary or
permanent. We've seen a woman angrily reject a man's advances,
only to go over to his house later that evening, uninvited, for sex.
We've also seen a woman tell a man "I don't know you well enough
to kiss you yet," only to reject him later because she knows him too
well and doesn't want to "spoil the friendship." The best indicator of
whether a rejection was temporary or permanent is in her reaction
to an invitation for another date. Most women who are repelled by
you win tell you they are busy. Women who are interested, or at least

neutral, will say "okay."
The second thing to do is ask yourself why she said "no." Put
yourself in her shoes, and pretend that "you" are out with "you."
Don't make things better than they were, and also don't make them
worse. Be "dirt honest" with yourself Did you do something that
turned her off? Did you say something or spout off some opinion
that offended her? Did you treat her like one of your buddies,
instead of like a lady? Was it something you didn't do, like open a
door for her or take care of all the details of the date? See if you can
remember a moment where she might have decided to write you off.
Review, on paper if necessary, the pre-work that you did. Look at

the checklists in Chapters 7 and 8 and see if there were any steps

that you missed. Figure out the high points and the low points of the

date, and devise a new date that is more like the high points, and less

like the low. Back up and redo some of the pre-work from Chapter

7, then give the kiss another go,

It's important to note that you should never ask her what you

did wrong, or how to correct it. Most women want a man who is

assertive enough and brave enough to figure out what happened,

and try something new. If she has to lead you by the hand through

the seduction, what will you be like in a relationship? Figure out a

new strategy yourself and try again.


382 I Chapter Twelve

You didn't even try

If you didn't even try to kiss her, the question is, why? There
are lots of possible reasons why. You must first get absolutely crystal
clear the reasons you didn't try, then clarify how to overcome
those problems. Next you must do what it takes to be able to kiss her
on your next seduction date.

Here are some of the possible reasons:

She did something that changed your mind about her. it's
entirely possible that she did something on the seduction date that
you disliked so much that you decided that you didn't want her after
all- Alternatively, she may have told you something about herself
that made you stop desiring her. She may have confessed to having
a venereal disease, or told you that she doesn't believe in contraception.
She may have frightened you with tales of men she's called
the police on, or with talk about a jealous ex-lover who attacked the
last man she dated. If she puts you off, you have every reason to not

kiss her.

You got scared, lazy, or sloppy. This is more likely. In this case,
you didn't kiss her because you blew off doing any of the pre-work,
Or perhaps you asked a romantic question, she seemed surprised or
suspicious, and you gave up. One thing is certain: if you don't actually
use the technology in this book, it won't do you a bit of good. If
you got scared or lazy, you need to look at why that is. Is she the only
woman you are pursuing, so you have all your eggs in one basket? if
so, you must work on other women, and have more than one
prospect before you go out with this woman again. Did you not practice
romantic questions and conversations out loud before the date?
If you didn't, you won't know what to say on the date, and won't be
able to build romantic feelings. You must practice, and review the
checklist of things to do on the date, so you'll be ready for whatever
happens. Did you forget to treat a lady like a lady, and decide that
you'd just hang out with her like one of the guys? If you did, notice
the result you got—nothing at all—and resolve to not make that mistake
again. Did you feel lost about what to do when? Keep studying
the book, and keep practicing and making yourself ready.

You also have to notice if there was a specific problem on the
date you need to learn to overcome. Did you do something that

After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 383

offended her? Figure out what it was. Does she have some criteria
you haven't met yet? If she does, think about how you might be able
to meet it. Does she view you as a friend on]y? It may take more
time and more dates to change her mind.

Your natural tendency will be to make excuses for why you
didn't go for it. We don't want to hear about it. Don't beat up on
yourself, just learn from the experience. Read this book again, and
give it another go. Have another seduction date or another priming
date with her, and this time follow through.

She wasn't ready. If you ran the "first kiss" tests on her and
she didn't seem ready, and if you didn't feel the romantic feelings, or
think you generated any romantic moments, then you were right in
not trying to kiss her. If you were doing everything "by the book,"
she simply might not have been ready, or might not have been into
you at that exact moment. Sometimes a woman is just having a bad
day, or is simply wrapped up in her own world, and is not feeling sexual
or like connecting with you. She may be looking for a boyfriend,
and not want to go too fast. It's okay if this happens. Simply learn
what you can from the date, and either arrange another seduction
date or go back to another priming date.

She told you she has a boyfriend. Many men stop their seduc


tions when a woman tells them she has a boyfriend or is seeing

someone. This is not always the wisest response, or even the

response she wants.

It's legitimate to wonder, "If she has a boyfriend, why is she out

with me?" There are several possible answers. One is that a lot of

women are just staying with the guy they are dating until something

better comes along. If you can show that you are "something better,"

you can easily be her lover. Other women are in relationships that

are open, or are women who cheat regularly on their boyfriends.

Still other women will tell you they have a boyfriend because they

are scared to get involved with you, or have decided they don't like

you and need an excuse to get away.

You are the only one who can decide if having sex with such a

woman is okay with your integrity. Some men feel they must have a

clear indication that the woman is single and available before they

feel okay about having sex with her. Others think any woman is fair


384 / Chapter Twelve

game. Todd, for instance, sleeps with any willing woman he desires,
whether she has a boyfriend or not. "If he can't keep track of his girlfriend,
it's not my problem," he reasons. You have to decide if sleeping
with an "attached" woman is a moral or immoral thing for you

to do.
If you are considering sleeping with a woman who is already
involved, we suggest that you assess the risks carefully. What is her
boyfriend like? Is he likely to hurt you if he finds out what you are
up to? Is he on the police force, or in a gang? Does he have a history
of violence? Your primary concern is your physical health; no
matter how hot she is, and how much you like her, an evening of sex
is not worth being attacked over.
If a woman tells you she is involved or that she has a boyfriend.
don't (dwell on it or question her directly about him. Simply
acknowledge it, and move on with your seduction. A little bit later,
ask her if she's ever been with a really jealous guy, or had an exboyfriend
be upset about her new relationships. If you can find out
what he does or what he is like from a mutual friend, by all means
do so. If he doesn't pose any direct danger, then go with your conscience.


You didn't follow the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers.

This is a lot like getting sloppy or lazy, and it's so easy to do that it's
worth going over the habits again. For the sake of review, remember
that a Highly Effective Seducer:

* Constantly pursues what he wants
* Knows that rejection is the key to sexual prosperity
* Always dates more than one woman
* Is always prospecting
* Always acts with an outcome in mind
* Always makes life work for him
* Never grovels for sex
* Is not a woman's therapist, confidant or buddy
* Is always willing to walk away from a seduction or a woman
* Makes it look like he's not working on the romance.
After the Date—Keeping Up the Pursuits I 385

If you are violating any of these habits, you are getting lazy, and
you make it much more likely that your date won't desire you or
want to kiss you. You also make it more likely that you won't even
try to kiss her, because it just won't "feel right," If you find you are
dropping any of these habits, the solution is to re-read Chapter 2,
and recommit yourself to making these principles and practices central
to your life.

AFTER THE SEDUCTION DATE

After the seduction date, your course is clear. First, you must
make the date a success in your own mind. By finding something
that you learned from it, you assure that every experience you have
with a women is successful, and that every experience drives you on
towards your ultimate goal of abundant sex.

Next, you must decide where you want to steer your next interaction
with this woman. Do you want to pursue her more, think of
her as a potential short-term relationship, or get rid of her completely?
While it's often hard to tell if a woman is long-term material,
it's often easy to tell if she isn't. If she has some flaw or problem
that really puts you off, face that fact now so you won't get overly
involved with a woman who will cause you nothing but trouble and
pain later. The information covered in the next chapter about diagnosing
if a woman is worth keeping or not, will be helpful.

Next, you must maintain your investment in her, or all the good

feelings you've created are in danger of slipping away. Maintenance

shows her that you are thinking of her, that you are putting time and

effort into your relationship, and that you are a generative, creative

man. The secret of good maintenance is to schedule time, in your

date book, to do little things for her that maintain your connection.

You can spend this time creating your next date with her, writing her

love notes and poetry, composing romantic e-mails to her, buying

her flowers, or selecting and wrapping fun little gifts. Just remember

to vary how often you give her presents and surprises. If you do it

too regularly she'll come to expect it, and it won't make her feel spe


cial anymore.


386 I Chapter Twelve

Next you must generate the next step in your seduction, and
design the next seduction date. The first step in doing this is to assess
how far you got in the seduction date you already had. Did you kiss
her, kiss her and make out, have sex with her, try to kiss her and get
rejected, or not try to kiss her at all? After assessing your outcome,
design your next date to overcome any obstacles, and to move your
seduction forward. If you follow these steps you are sure to keep
your connection with the woman you are dating alive and growing.

chapter thirteen...
Breaking Up
Is Easy to Do

Bruce decided that after six dates and a few hot sex sessions
with Belinda, he was ready to move on. Though they got along well,
and he was attracted to her, he knew there was no way he was ready
for a committed relationship. After deciding, Bruce waited a few
days before calling her. During that time he went through the gamut
of emotions: guilt, sadness, regret, everything.

Eventually, he decided to call her and break up. "Did I do
something wrong?" she asked. "No, not at all," he said. I really like
you. Since the beginning, I told you that I wasn't looking for anything
serious. If we keep going, I know it will probably develop into
more. I thought it would be easier to break up now, rather than save
us both the heartache later." Belinda began to cry.

Bruce tried to comfort her, and then began to feel guilty. He
started to regret his decision, and question his reasons. But then he
remembered why it wouldn't work, and how if he continued to put
off breaking up, it would end up being even more painful. "You have
been a treasure to date, Belinda. I appreciate the time we've spent
together. I've learned a lot from you and I think you are very special.
I just can't keep going," Bruce said. They talked for a few more
minutes, and finally Bruce ended the call. "I am sorry, Belinda, but I
must go. Is there someone else you can talk to about how upset you


388 I Chapter Thirteen

are?" Belinda decided to sleep at her sister's home, and they agreed

to talk again soon.

Meanwhile, Bob had been dating Shirley for three months.

They spent two or three nights per week together, and more time on

weekends. He was never that interested in her, but continued dating

as something to do until a better woman came along. Bob figured it

was better to spend time with some woman, rather than to be alone.

One night, after they got into a fight, Bob decided it was final


ly time to call it quits. The next night, while hanging out at her apart


ment, Bob told Shirley that the relationship was through. She was

very upset. His announcement came out of the blue, and caught her

off guard.

"What isn't working in our relationship?" she asked.

"The whole damn thing just sucks," Bob responded.

"Can't we work things out, Bob? I really like you, and want to
keep building our relationship."
Bob responded, "We never had a relationship, Shirley. What we
had were a few good times, and some hot sex."

She began to cry. He did nothing to comfort her. "Quit crying,
it isn't the end of the world. You are so damn emotional. Why do you
always cry when it gets tough? That's part of why I want to break

up," he told her.

"Maybe this is easy for you, Bob, but I am really hurt. I care
very deeply for you. I thought we had something, something special.
I counted on you. But now you are throwing that all away."

"Why are you arguing with me, Shirley? You are just too
demanding. I need my space. We are through, and that's all there is to
it." Bob got up, grabbed his coat and left without saying another word.

One of the hardest parts of being a successful seducer is the
break-up process. The more successful you get at seduction, the
more frequently you'll be in this position. Cutting off a relationship
is rarely easy, no matter how gently it's done. Unless you are a heartless
jerk, both of you usually leave feeling upset. Breakups are a
reminder that you are dealing with a live, breathing, feeling woman.
It is important to learn how to end a relationship in the least painful
manner, while still retaining a sense of integrity for yourself.

As usual, Bob makes dozens of mistakes in his split with
Shirley. Primary, he is unnecessarily cruel. Next, out of ignorance, he

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do / 389

is unable to deal with her being upset by the split-up, and makes
things worse by ignoring her cries for help. He also storms out of her
apartment, leaving her in tears, and leaving their interaction incomplete.
This will only come back to haunt him soon. Last, but not least,
he fails to do the proper pre-work to make the break up easier for
her.

In a larger scope, Bob is oblivious to the fact that most women
will take a relationship seriously and be hurt if a man suddenly, without
mutual agreement, breaks up with them. In fact, dating for three
months implies you are in a relationship, and requires more than
simple conversation to break up.

Shirley has assumed that Bob spent so much time with her
because he was interested in pursuing a relationship. She figured
that he wanted to be her boyfriend, and create a future together. In
her mind, why else would a man spend so much time with a woman?
In the end, she is left feeling heartbroken and confused.

Even though Belinda is upset when Bruce calls it quits, she isn't
surprised. In fact, she knew it was coming a few weeks prior. Bruce
had told her all along that he didn't want a girlfriend. He only wanted
to casually date. When Bruce finally initiates breaking up, he
makes sure to compliment her, and show his appreciation for what
they had. He reassures Belinda, and makes sure she knows she did
nothing wrong. At the same time, he doesn't argue with her, or feel
intimidated when she begins to cry.

Bruce" has thought out a strategy to break up in the least
painful manner possible. Yet he doesn't fool himself into believing
that it will be easy for her. He is willing to take any heat that may
come his way, and deal with the consequences of his actions. Though
he has pangs of guilt, he stays true to his purpose and is able to
ignore the disempowering thoughts about not breaking up and the
regret inside his head.

While talking to Belinda, he constantly asks himself what he
could do to make the conversation and the breakup easier for her.
By asking her if there is anyone else she could talk to, for example,
Bruce makes sure she won't be alone while feeling so upset. He is,
once again, taking care of her.

A few weeks after the breakup, Bruce still has his connection
with Belinda. They agree not to date, or be sexual, but to be friends.


390 / Chapter Thirteen

Bruce figures that it is better to have another friend or acquaintance
than it is to have an enemy. By allowing her the space to be upset,
cry, and emote, Bruce makes sure that they would remain friends. In
fact, because he is so skilled, Bruce rarely creates enemies when he
breaks up with women.

Once you've moved through all the stages of dating—from
meeting her and flirting to getting the date and seducing her—you
will probably be left wondering if you should stick with the woman
you've seduced, or whether you should move on. This chapter will
show you how to decide if the relationship you are developing
works for you or not. From there, you can plan a break up that is the
most sensitive, yet easiest to accomplish.

TO COMMIT OR NOT TO COMMIT:
THAT IS THE QUESTION


We have found that, eventually, most men want a long-term
relationship. Contrary to popular belief, however, such a desire cannot
be forced. It can only occur naturally and when the time is right.
Wherever you are, wanting a relationship or a one-night stand, we
support you, and are committed through the information in this
book to give you exactly what you want.

Bruce is clear that he is not ready to be in a relationship. He is
content dating and flirting. He has moved from feeling intimidated
by women, and afraid to flirt, to being on his way to mastery. Bruce
has gone from being lonely on the weekends to having more dates
than he can keep up with. He is living his dream life, and only wants
to bask in his success with women.

In the past, Daniel also was only looking for women to date. He
wanted nothing to do with commitment. Since learning our material
over the past two years, he has changed from being shy and sloppy
to being a stud, always dating several women at once. Eventually,
Daniel got tired of dating and decided to settle down with one
woman. He credited his changes to first mastering short-term relationships.
"It was only after I knew I could sleep with many women
that a relationship seemed like a good idea. If I hadn't waited, and
had just committed to the first woman who seemed interesting, it

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do / 391

just would have been another unsuccessful relationship. I would

have been making decisions from a state of desperation rather than

choice," he said.

Bruce and Daniel are each clear about what they specifically
want from a woman. Bruce wants to continue dating. Daniel is
happy being in a committed relationship. If you are in Daniel's position,
ready and eager to commit for the long term, move on to the
next chapter. That chapter focuses on how to keep a relationship
going. If you are ready to break up with a woman, or foresee a
breakup in your future, keep reading.

SO YOU THINK YOU WANT TO BE A STUD...


No matter how many times we mention it, some men will
remain unclear about what they want in a relationship. If you are
one of the foggy ones, you are that way because you haven't yet
chosen between dating or being in a committed relationship.
Indecisiveness is debilitating. If you can't decide what you want, you
will probably end up bouncing from woman to woman, unwilling to
do the work of a seducer while simultaneously unwilling to do the
work required for a committed relationship. Being unsure creates
failure in either circumstance.

So, we ask you again, what do you want? A committed, happy
erotic relationship, or a harem of young nymphs?

Before giving your promise to a woman, we recommend that
you first make sure that she has the qualities and characteristics you
desire. We require all of our students to develop a list of their conditions
for choosing a woman. Making this list is crucial for several
reasons. For starters, if you don't know exactly what you are looking
for, you will likely end up with someone who isn't right for you.
Hence, the relationship will fail. Worse, you will likely end up with
someone with whom you do not essentially connect. This will result
in a constantly strained relationship.

Most men aren't clear about what they want and expect from a
woman. They get into relationships, but act as if they didn't really
choose to do so. You would think the relationship just mysteriously
happened one day. Contrast this to how these men behave when



392 I Chapter Thirteen

buying a car. Our bet is that most men bring a much higher degree
of rigor to the process of selecting and purchasing a car than they do
to finding the right woman to settle down with. In fact, most men
know exactly what they want and expect from a car. Here are
Simon's conditions:

1. It must cost no more than $22,000.
2. It must be at least a six cylinder or a V-8.
3. It must be a stick shift.
4. It must have 4-wheel drive.
5. It must have air-bags.
6. It must be black.
7. It must be domestically made.
8. It must have anti-lock brakes.
There are also a few conditions that he feels are not necessary,
but would be great added extras.

1. It would be great if it had a sun root
2. It would be great if it had an awesome stereo.
3. It would be great if it had power windows.
4. It would be great if it had cruise control.
If you are like most men, you have never sat down and given
yourself the time to really think about what you want in a woman.
Perhaps you have flirted and dated women who caught your eye, or
kept dating women because you felt too scared and guilty to break
up with them. Making a list of conditions for choosing will greatly
aid you in clarifying what you want. Note, however: it will likely be
harder to decide, and figure out, conditions you require from a
woman than it will for what you require in a car. But it's worth the
effort, and the difference it can make in your life can be huge.

Follow the steps described here to make your list.

1. Set aside at least 15 minutes.
2. Begin by listing qualities you require in a woman for a potential
committed relationship. Don't censor yourself. Start writ-
Breaking Up Is Easy to Do I 393

ing and let the ideas flow. If you get stuck, jot down the qualities
you don't want in a woman. This will get you looking in
the right direction,

Here is an example to help guide you.

Joe's list

I must feel attracted to her.
She must be shorter than me.
She must enjoy science fiction movies.
She must be punctual.
She must want kids.
She must have long blonde hair.
She must be a football fan.
She must be emotionally stable.
She must be willing to talk and resolve disagreements.
She must have a sense of spirituality in her life.
She must love me and act kindly.
She must cook.
She must have cool friends.
She must be willing to have sex at least twice a week.
She must love giving oral sex.
She must not be offended when I burp.
She must enjoy travel.
She must have a stable job.
She must enjoy the music of REM and jazz.
We must agree on political issues.
She must be intelligent.
She must love beer.


3. Now that you have the list, prioritize the requirements.
Actually go through the list and mark which ones are flexible
and which aren't. Remember, you are looking at qualities and
conditions for a long-term relationship. The emphasis is on

I


394 / Chapter Thirteen

long-term. When you take a long view of things, it usually
decreases the significance of superficial qualities, like enjoying
the same music or beer. As a rule of thumb, the shorter the
duration of dating, the more significant the superficial things
seem.

Here is Joe's revised list. He separated the qualities into
three categories: things he was unwilling to be flexible about,
qualities he was somewhat willing to be flexible about, and
those that would be great if she had them, but are not necessary.


Unwilling to be flexible/must have

I must be attracted to her.
She must want children sometime.
She must be fairly emotionally stable.
She must be intelligent.
She must be willing to have sex at least twice a week.
She must be willing to talk and resolve disagreements.
She must have a sense of spirituality in her life.
She must love me and act kindly.


Some what flexible/ it would be great if she had these

She must cook.
She must have cool friends.
We must agree on political issues.
She must not be offended when I burp.
She must enjoy travel.
She must be shorter than me.
She must be punctual.
She must enjoy science fiction movies.
She must have a stable job.
She must enjoy giving oral sex.


Breaking Up Is Easy to Do I 395

Even less important/won't effect the relationship either way

She must enjoy the music of REM and jazz.

She must have long blonde hair.

She must be a football fan.

She must love beer.

Now that Joe has a list, he can then choose a woman based on
it. He can instantly measure if he and a potential mate are compatible
based on his required qualities. If you are like Joe, you have a
tendency to avoid commitment at any cost, and actually make up,
out of thin air, reasons not to commit. By clarifying what you want,
it will be easier to overcome feelings of ambivalence. You will finally
have something concrete to measure a woman against, rather than
your moment-to-moment feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

WHY BREAK UP

"You've got to know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when
to walk away and when to run." These dorky song lyrics describe
more than gambling strategies; they also give clear instructions for
dating. It is important to know when to keep a woman, when to
break up, and how to do so. Cutting off relationships can be complicated.
Even a cowboy like Kenny Rogers knows that relationships
sometimes don't work out.

Bad relationships are similar to broken down cars. They get
worse and worse, and constantly need more repair. At a certain
point it makes more sense to junk the vehicle and get a new one.The
other option is to maintain the car over the long haul, and never let
it get junky in the first place. If you are willing to do the work necessary
to keep the car running over time, and put in the necessary
money and time, you can keep it going indefinitely.

Diagnosing where you in the commitment game

As a rule of thumb, the longer you date a woman, the harder
and more painful it will be to break up. The more extensively you get


396 I Chapter Thirteen

to know one another, the higher the investment and the greater the
loss when it ends. We've developed a method to diagnose your level
of existing commitment. This eight-type method shows the degree of
commitment and the predicted level of difficulty in breaking up.
Begin with where you are on the commitment scale.

THE EIGHT DEGREES OF COMMITMENT

/. One-night stand

One-night stands are eternally popular. Most women interested
in only one night aren't looking for much else. There is no investment
in a relationship on either side. The experience was probably
purely sexual for both of you. A one-night stand requires no explanation.
The best way to "end it" is to simply not call her again, or to
call the next day to thank her, and then not call her again. Most
women expect you to call after you've had sex. If you don't, the possibility
of any relationship will not just be cut; it will be annihilated.
A one-night-stand-woman probably likes you somewhat, but won't
be crushed if she never sees you again.

2. An acquaintance
By acquaintance, we are referring to a woman you just met, or
have dated a few times. While a one-night stand is primarily sexual,
an acquaintance is someone you've probably spent more time talking
to and getting to know. After dating once or twice, there is a minimal
investment in a relationship between the two of you. Not
enough time has elapsed for her to become crazy about you. We
recommend using the same strategy as for a one-night stand. Simply
not calling her back will probably suffice. If not, having a short conversation
will be all that is necessary to cut things off. As with any
break-up discussion, sensitivity and gentleness are required. Harshness
will only hurt her, and actually prolong the situation.

3. Dated three or four times over the past few weeks
If you've been on three or four dates with a woman, she definitely
likes you. Otherwise, why would she bother spending the

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do I 397

time? After a few dates, your level of attraction is probably somewhere
between finding each other sweet and interesting, and wanting
to rip each other's clothes off and jump into bed.

Breaking up in person will be best. By this time, she has begun
thinking of you as a potential boyfriend. If you've been having sex,
it will be that much harder to cut off from her. Being honest about
why you don't want to be with her will be the easiest. At the same
time, being diplomatic and not telling her details that will be interpreted
as cruel is also suggested.

4, Slept with her a few times and realized ft was going to

become a problem

We discussed problem women in the When Babes Attack chapter.
These are the classic "psychos" who are potential stalkers, violent,
cruel, hyper-emotional, and all-around trouble. Maybe you
didn't notice her psycho qualities at first, but it soon came up during
conversation or during sex. Maybe you were so swept up with her
beauty that you ignored our warnings. In any case, it is important to
get away from such a woman quickly. The longer you are with a
problem woman, the harder it is to break up, and the more trouble
it will cause down the road.

Breaking up with a troubled woman will probably be difficult.
She will most likely have a strong emotional reaction. It is important
that you watch your safety; psychos can react violently. It is best to
simply say that you are not ready to be in a relationship, or that you
realize you can't give her what she wants from a man. You certainly
can't tell her that she is psycho, or anything that will be construed as
nasty. Be careful and try to be as gentle as possible,

5. She is an occasional sex partner
A woman who is having sex with you, and not requiring a commitment,
is a wonderful find. First, examine why you are dismantling
the relationship. If you are looking to date many women at once, this
is the perfect one to keep. She is a perfect addition to your harem. If
she is the type who is fine with only occasional dating, first ask yourself
why you are considering getting rid of her. What could be better



398 I

Chapter Thirteen

than a woman who is willing to let you sleep with her on an irregular
basis, without demanding you be in a formal relationship?

One reason to break up is that, after informal dating, she
begins to want more. At first, being occasional sex partners
worked, but now she has fallen for you, and wants it to be serious.
Meanwhile, you want it to remain informal. The other reason to call
it quits is if you meet another woman and begin a committed relationship.
In this case, the occasional sex partner will have to go. A
simple phone call or in-person conversation will likely do. Just be
honest, and the breakup will probably be easy. She'll likely understand,
and may perhaps even congratulate you.

6. Dated/or a month or less
A month is right around the time when things start to get serious.
First, why do you want to break up? What in particular isn't
working? Get clear about the specifics before you have a break-up
conversation.

We recommend you use the break-up strategy employed in
type #3, in which you have a face-to-face conversation, and break up
in the manner suggested. The best way to avoid this situation is to be
clear from the start that you aren't looking for a girlfriend.

7. Dated for over a month
If you've been going out for over a month, you are getting into
the troubled waters of commitment. She obviously likes you; otherwise
she wouldn't have dated you for so long. After being together
this long, breaking up is best done over a few weeks. First, do the
pre-work items, as suggested later in this chapter. Second, plan to
discuss breaking up with her over several conversations, not simply
during a one-shot thing. Be honest, tactful, and responsible for her
reaction. You will likely have to have a few conversations with her
for everything to be straightened out. and the breakup to be done.

8. Dated for over three months
For all practical purposes, after three months you are in a relationship,
and you are her boyfriend. Even if you don't think so, she

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do / 399

most certainly does. A break-up at this stage must be well planned
out. She will likely be hurt, and it will be best to break up over a few
weeks.

Pre- work for the breakup

As with anything else in the dating game, there is always prework.
Ceasing to date will be easier and less painful for both of you
when it's planned out ahead of time. By creating a step-by-step plan
it will make everything go that much more smoothly. Find a way to
be as compassionate as possible; being impulsive won't do.

Don't date a woman for more than a month

We know it sounds harsh, but after a month things will begin to
get serious. If you want to make sure you don't hurt a woman by
dragging things out, cease dating after a month. If you continue
longer she'll consider you her boyfriend. If, on the other hand, she is
enjoying the informal nature of the relationship, and doesn't appear
to want more, initiate a "relationship discussion" after a month and
tell her your future intentions. The clearer you are, the easier it will
be. Remember that no matter what either of you says, you always
run the risk after a month that she will become more and more
attached to you.

Get all your things out of her apartment first

At least a week before the cut-off date, make sure to get all
your stuff out of her apartment. This includes CDs, clothes, books,
everything that you care about. Once you split up, your stuff is in
jeopardy of being destroyed or thrown out. By taking your valuables
out ahead of time, you have one less thing to worry about.

Make sure she doesn't view you as a long-term man

If you are not interested in having a serious relationship, never
lie and say that you are. Be honest with her from the start. If you
string a woman along, telling her that you want a girlfriend when
you don't, the breakup will be horrid, and she will likely end up hurt.



400 I Chapter Thirteen

If you lie, it is likely that you will feel guilty and worry if she'll find
out the truth at a later time. Lying simply isn't worth it. If you are
straight from the start, the woman won't be shocked when you stop
dating. She will be aware of the risks ahead of time. It is cruel and
unnecessary to put a woman through more crap in the dating arena
than necessary.

Don't plan events with her far in advance

Naive men often make plans with women far into the future.
The problem is that planning so far ahead deceives the woman into
thinking a guy also plans to be with her, and she begins to think of
him as a longer-term mate. Given that most men have tunnel vision
in relationships, and only focus on the near future, if you start planning
vacations six months later to France, or an end-of-the-year
cruise, the woman will likely interpret this to mean that you plan to
be with her for a long time. Hence, you are defacto in a committed
relationship. The solution is simple: only make plans in the near
future, and make sure to avoid commenting on anything that could
be interpreted to imply long-term plans.

Scott and Donna dated for a few months. From the start, he
only wanted a sexual relationship. They both enjoyed international
travel and frequently discussed exotic countries they both were
interested in visiting sometime. In Donna's mind, he discussed these
things because he wanted to visit those places with her. Scott even
mentioned, informally, that they should visit Jakarta and New
Zealand within the next 15 months. She began telling her friends
that Scott wanted to take her on a year-long world trip. When he initiated
the breakup, Donna had a very hard time. All along, she
assumed that they were planning a long trip together, and a relationship
would bloom from there. If Scott had watched himself more
carefully and had avoided mentioning long-term plans, it would
have been much easier.

Avoid talking about long-term plans to a short-term woman.

Don't be the perfect boy friend

When we say "don't be the perfect boyfriend," we are not, in
any shape or form, suggesting that you ever be mean, nasty, cruel, or

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do I 401

hurtful. Instead, we are saying that if you act "perfect," i.e., buying
her flowers before every date, always being sweet, dressing well,
calling her all the time, and generally taking care of her, you will
come across as the perfect boyfriend, and she'll probably fall in love
with you. On the other hand, treating her with respect, being kind
and gentle, paying for dates, and doing everything else to charm her
is important. In fact, we've stressed them all through the book.

If you are not committed to being with her for the long term,
however, you must realize that the more perfect you are, the more
she will want a serious relationship. As a result, it will be harder to
break up. We suggest that in this case you occasionally do things that
are less than perfect, are obnoxious, or are annoying. If you want to
break up, start increasing the frequency and number of behaviors
and habits that she probably dislikes. By acting in ways she doesn't
like, it will be easier for her to let you go. It may even prompt her to
get rid of you and initiate the breakup.

You cart start to get more into sports. This will likely put her off,
without hurting her, A healthy love for cigars is also a turn-off.
Dressing sloppy can help, as will a new love of avoiding deodorant,
and occasional swearing. We're sure you can find other things to do
that will turn her off. More than anything, be aware that if you act
perfectly, it will make breaking up harder,.. But in no way do we
recommend that you insult her, or are mean in any way. You can
stop being the perfect boyfriend by reducing the number of wonderful
things you do, rather than by acting like a jerk.

THE THREE TYPES OF BREAKUPS

1. Mutual
A mutual breakup is the best kind. You both agree that things
are not working, neither of you is getting what you need, and neither
sees a future together. These types of breakups have the highest
potential for remaining friends.

After dating for a month, neither Andrew nor Pauline was satisfied.
They had begun fighting, the spark was gone, sex turned boring,
and they both only called out of obligation. During a walk, they
both admitted that they weren't interested in dating any more; it


402 / Chapter Thirteen

simply wasn't working. By mutually agreeing to break up, neither
party felt responsible or guilty.

2. She breaks up with you
There are two forms of her breaking up with you. The obvious

one is that you are interested in staying together, and she isn't. She

cuts you off. She finds something wrong with you, or the relation


ship, and she's done.

The second type is when you do things to get her to break up
with you. For example, Heather told Robert that if he ever slept with
another woman, she would break up with him. Several months later,
Robert did just that and it prompted her to break up with him. There
are many other examples of men crossing a line that leads to the
woman officially doing the breaking up. When examined, the man
was the one who caused the breakup to occur.

3. You break up with her
Need we even explain this one? You decide that you don't want
to go out with her, for whatever reason. You then do the pre-work
necessary. Next, you break up, and deal with the fallout of your
actions.

As mentioned earlier, some men break up out of fear. Deep
down, they want to stay together, but are scared of commitment. If
you break up out of fear, we recommend you rethink your decision
and do what it takes to make it work.

If you are breaking up because it isn't working well, or is going
in a direction you are not committed to, go ahead and break up. Use
all the information in this chapter to help you.

THE EIGHT WARNING SIGNS
THAT IT'S TIME TO END IT


We all have blind spots—things, or issues, that we can't see.
Before reading this book, Bob, for example, never realized that
dressing sloppy would repel women. He simply had no idea that it
made a difference, that he dressed in ways that kept women at bay

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do / 403

Men have many blind spots in relationships. They are issues they
simply don't want to admit are problems, or potential problems. It is
common for a man to ignore warning signs that a relationship is failing
and that a woman he is involved with is dangerous and is psycho.
Men don't register the warning signs as significant. They downplay
the possibility of the dangers and hazards involved.

What follows are warning signs. If you are currently experiencing
one or more of these signs, you should seriously consider
ending the relationship. We have had too many students report
horrible consequences of staying in dangerous and abusive situations.
Getting out quickly and avoid the inevitable headaches and
heartaches.

/. You stop having the sex life with her that you want

A short-term relationship should be chock-full of sex. If it isn't,
why are you in it? If the sex stops, the relationship is in a crisis.
Women usually stop being interested in sex because of a problem in
the relationship. Usually it is because the man stops doing the little
things for her, and all the maintenance items we've discussed
throughout the book. If she has a problem with you, and you are
unwilling to deal with it, the relationship will continue to decay until
you either deal with it or get out. In a long-term relationship, you
must deal with any problems that arise; that is part and parcel for
the relationship.

2. You don't like yourself when you are with her
There are women in this world who probably bring out the
worst in you. The worst temper, qualities, thoughts, feelings, everything.
A man usually doesn't take responsibility for his anger.
Instead, he blames the woman, claiming she is doing something to
bring out his bad feelings. Though you may dislike her, she probably
isn't doing anything. You simply react to her. The bottom line is that
you don't like yourself when you are with her. Take responsibility
for your part.

Jim, for instance, was dating a political activist named Hara.
About half of the time they got along well. It always seemed as if he
had to hold back his thoughts and opinions from her, afraid they


404 / Chapter Thirteen

might get into a heated argument. Hara could share her opinions

with him, however—she did this all the time. Jim acted meek and

timid around her, and hated himself for it. He felt as if he was grov


eling for sex and approval, and as if he was subservient to her whims

and desires.

As you can guess, the relationship quickly failed. If Jim had

paid attention to his fear and dislike of how he felt around her, and

had remembered that there are plenty of other women to date, he

would have saved himself a lot of hassle and would have broken up

more quickly.

If you don't like how you act around a particular woman, either

change your behavioral patterns, or get out of the relationship. The

cost is simply too high to stay in a messed up situation. Remember, if

you feel bad around her, it is your responsibility to get out, not hers.

3, She doesn't like you

It may sound funny, but many men report dating, or marrying,
women who dislike them. Women have reported the same thing,
being in relationships with men who seem to dislike them. In these
situations, the couple stays together because there are qualities
about the other that each likes and enjoys, but on the whole one
party dislikes the other. The disdain comes across in the form of constant
criticizing, complaining, and general nastiness.

Unbelievably, some men stay in relationships like these, usually
sidestepping the pain it causes them, or the constant blows to their
self-esteem. There is no reason to continue dating someone who
doesn't treat you in the way you want.

One of the fundamental values we teach in this book is that
your self-esteem and confidence as a man are essential to success in
any area of your life. If a woman, or a job, or anything else hurts you,
cease the activity or relationship immediately. If you are not
empowered by the relationship, get out.

4, She has constant emotional problems

Darlene was usually lovable. She was sweet, sincere, beautiful,
and had a great job. At the same time, she was highly emotional and

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do / 405

had constant emotional outbursts. It was nearly impossible to predict
what would set her off. When she was angry, she would swear
and throw things at anyone within firing range. When she was sad.
she would hyperventilate and sob. Her full range of emotional outbursts
scared David. He really liked her, but felt that her emotional
problems prevented him from getting to know her, and ever feeling

comfortable.
Darlene belongs in a group of women who are lovable, yet are
so out of control emotionally that they are hard to date. Even
though David liked Darlene, we still advised him to break up with

her. She simply was too wild and too unpredictable. In a short-term
relationship, someone like Darlene is unacceptable simply because
she is too much work to date and maintain. While it may sound

harsh, the best way to protect yourself, if you are dating an overly
emotional woman, is to break up. Be gentle in the process, and do
everything you can to stay friends.

5, She is too demanding

Some women act as if you have no other purpose in life than to
serve them. Perhaps they frequently call you at work, and ask you to
spend inordinate amounts of time talking when you should be doing
something else. Maybe they stop by your home at all hours of the
night, and bang on the door, wanting to cuddle. Or, they call and
want you to pick up a huge grocery list of "female supplies" for
them. Women who do these things all of the time can be too
demanding.

Some men have an easy time setting hard-core limits with

demanding women. When a woman tries to interfere with their work

schedule, comes over at odd hours of the night, and makes other

demands, they simply tell her "no." End of story. The majority of

men, however, mess up their schedules and their lives to cater to

such a woman.

The problems start when your schedule is thrown off because

you are spending time doing things for her that should be spent on

your own life. The first solution is to start religiously using the magic

word "no" in all your conversations with her. It may take a while to

get your life back in order, but if you are strong-willed and can make


406 / Chapter Thirteen

friends with "no," it is imaginable that you could keep things going.
If this doesn't work, or if she becomes even more demanding in the
face of your refusals, then it's time to split up.

6. She tries to make you feel guilty about male things
Some of the ways men and women flirt are by teasing each other
about "male" and "female" things. You tease her about how long it
takes her to put on her makeup, and she teases you about loving
sports. That is a fun-natured banter. There are other women, however,
who will try their hardest to hit you where it hurts. They will insult
your masculinity and try to make yon feel guilty about anything that
can be construed to be manly. She might insult you for looking forward
to your weekly ritual of watching Monday night football with
your buddies. She might comment on how stupid the game is, and how
you are supporting a violent sport. She might also complain about
your trips with the guys to auto shows, sporting events, violent movies,
or anything you find to be "male." Finally, she might constantly blame
the problems of the country or the world on men and their "fragile

male egos." She may claim that if the country was run only by women,
everything would be fine. If you are with a woman who spouts off similar
comments, a troubled relationship is in your near future.

Some of these women are the angry feminist type. They will
constantly harass you simply for being a man, and they will not let
up. They will verbally hit you in every way possible with the unalterable
fact (in her opinion) that being a man means living a life of
privilege, ease and power, while being a woman means living a life
of unremitting degradation and enslavement. While you might agree
with some of her assertions, she is attacking you, nonetheless. It is
important for your self-esteem and sanity to cease being around a
woman who dislikes you for being a man.

The fact that you have a penis is nothing to ever apologize for,
or feel ashamed of. If you respect her as a woman, you should expect
the same in return. If not, go on to another woman.

7. You don't respect her
Why are you with a woman you don't respect? Is it that she is
beautiful, rich, a stepping stone for your career, or what? You are in

Breaking Up Is Easy to Do I 407

for real trouble if you date women you don't respect. There is nothing
that will harm your self-esteem more. If you don't respect someone
you sleep with once, that is fine. Other than that, you are hurting
both of you in the process, and it will eventually weigh on you
and chip away at your confidence. What does it say about you, that
you have to date women you don't respect? This question will probably
come back to haunt you.

8. She wants to come between you and your buddies
As we've said many times, close male friends are very important.
The "lone rangers" in life, who only spend time alone or with
their woman, will eventually bottom out. The nurturing, teasing,
obnoxious, straight-with-one-another type of camaraderie and support
men give each other is completely different from relationships
between men and women. A good seducer has men he can talk to,
support, and confide in.

When a woman tries to come between you and your buddies,
she is trying to control your life. She is trying to cut off your contact
with others; in essence, she is cutting off your mainline of masculine
energy. Why is she doing this? What threat do your buddies pose to
the relationship?

The bottom line is that no woman is worth cutting off your
friends for. The women may come and go, but close male friendships
will usually last forever.

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR
DURING THE BREAK-UP CONVERSATION


She may try to entice you with sex

If a woman is upset about the breakup, she will likely go to
extreme measures. A woman will frequently offer sex as a way to get
a man back. She thinks that if she offers him her body, he will
remember how much he loves her and call off the breakup.

When Bob initiated the cut off from Veronica, she began crying.
Her next move was to unbutton her shirt and tell him that he
would be missing out on a lot. "Don't you just want to make love


408 Chapter Thirteen

one last time, for old times sake?" she asked. Bob stupidly fell for it,
and made love with her. The whole time he felt guilty, "How can I
make love with her and then just leave?" he thought to himself.
After making love, Bob decided he should stay with her a few more
weeks. Then he initiated the breakup again. She again tried to
seduce him into staying; he fell for it again. After three cycles of
breaking up and seduction, Bob finally learned to not have sex or let
himself be seduced into staying.

While the possibility of sex is very tempting, it is rarely worth
going for in a break-up situation. Stay strong and focused on the
long-term happiness of both of you, rather than the one-time sex
experience, and it will be easier to break up,

She may argue with you

Most women will argue when you break up. It helps them
understand and cope with the split. They want to know if there is
anything they can do to avoid having you leave. Out of their sense
of loss arguing and extreme emotional outbursts can be expected.
The answer is to simply avoid long conversations or arguments with
her. Our research shows that the more you argue, the harder it is to
break up, and the more upset each of you becomes. Be kind, gentle,
and honest; arguing won't work. If she won't stop arguing, leave the
situation and set a later date to talk again.

Physical violence and threats

Rob had been dating Karen for a few months before he realized
it wasn't working. She wanted to spend more and more time
with him. When they were together, however, it constantly felt like
work. Rob knew it was time to break up. He was scared, however,
because during previous arguments, she had slammed doors,
screamed and cried. It turned out that Rob's fears were correct.
During their break-up talk, Karen screamed at him. She then threatened
to call his job and tell Rob's boss that he abused her. She
grabbed a metal bowl and warned hurt that if he tried to leave, she
would throw it at his head.

Breaking Up In Easy to Do / 409

While it may sound unbelievable, these things do happen, and
can be quite scary. If you are ever in a similar situation, we recommend
that you leave immediately (and watch your head). You never
want to endanger your own safety. Get out, and stay away from her
forever. If you see the violent potential in a woman you are dating,
avoid her, and break up—in public, so there will be the calming
influence of witnesses—as soon as you realize it.

She will promise to change

During the break-up process, many women, out of desperation,
beg the man to stay. They promise to change. They promise to eradicate
any part of their personality he has ever complained about.
They beg for one more chance. In response, the man who initiated
the breakup gets drawn into all the drama, and stops. Soon after, he
will want to break up again and will, once again, be faced with her
promises of changing. The problem, however, isn't whether or not
the women will change. Unfortunately, this will only prolong the
inevitable breakup, and ultimately hurt her more. It is best to stay on
course with why you are breaking up, and never waiver. Never be
cruel, but don't fall into the trap of feeling guilty and let it back you
down from the breakup. You are walking a thin line. Stay on course
and everything will work out.

EXAMPLES OF CLEAN BREAKUPS

Craig thought he loved Bonnie. From the moment he laid eyes
on her, she seemed perfect for him. They loved the same rock
groups, the same food, and always had a great time when they partied.
They saw each other all the time. After a few weeks, the "glow"
wore off. They started fighting frequently. One night Bonnie
attacked him. She threw a plate at his head, it nearly hit him. She
then jumped on him and slapped and kicked him where no man
wants to be kicked! Craig was in pain for a few days, and vowed
never to see her again. She apologized, and begged him to come
back. He couldn't help himself. Craig thought that he really did love
her.


410 / Chapter Thirteen

They got back together and things went smoothly for a few
weeks. But then they fought again. This time she tried to shove him
down a flight of stairs. Craig protected himself and avoided a potentially
dangerous situation. The next day he knew they had to break
up. He was scared, however, to initiate it. "What if she goes nuts
again?" he asked himself. He spent the next few weeks gathering his
things from her apartment while he planned the breakup. Craig also
reasoned that if they were in a public spot, she would be less likely
to attack him. He waited until they were sitting in a coffee shop to
finally tell her that he didn't want to date anymore. She was upset,
but accepted the breakup.

Ken met Mary Lou at a party. They drank, danced, and talked
until 4 am, at which point he asked her to come home with him. She
agreed. From the start, Ken had no desire for a girlfriend. Indeed, at
the same time, he was dating three other women. Mary Lou went to
his apartment, and they made love. In the morning, he took her out
for breakfast. Over the meal, she confessed that she was looking for
a boyfriend, and thought that he might have potential. Ken told her
that he would like to see her again, but she should know that he was
dating others. She seemed mildly upset, but gave Ken her phone
number and asked him to call for a date. They had a good time continuing
the talking and flirting during the meal. After breakfast, he
drove Mary Lou home.

After dropping her off Ken threw her phone number out the
window. While he enjoyed both sleeping with and talking to her, it
seemed as though her desire for a serious relationship would taint
future interactions. Rather than having to constantly tell her that he
didn't want a girlfriend.he decided to simply not call her again.

The sex was always intense, passionate, and wild between Kay
and Alan. It was as if there were some magical chemistry between
them. They saw each other three or four times per month, and sex
was always a main part of the date. Both actively dated other people,
and saw each other as only part-time lovers. After a few months,
however, Kay wanted more. She was interested in being in a relationship
with Alan.

One night, after a sensual experience, Kay confessed that she
was falling in love with him. Rather than avoid discussing the topic.
Alan said that he didn't feel the same way about her. He enjoyed the

Breaking Up Is Easy to Da I 411

sex and closeness they shared, but didn't want to go further. She was
upset. At the same time, she knew it was unlikely that he would feel
the same way about her. They went their separate ways, and while
Alan missed the sex, he knew that if he had continued, the breakup
would have been much more difficult.

Bob and Diane had been dating for two months. They liked
each other, but both were honest that they didn't see any long-term
potential, and that they were dating other people. One evening, Bob
noticed that Diane seemed more distant than normal, and he asked
her if there was anything wrong. "Well," she told him, "I'm dating
someone else, and it's starting to get serious, I really like you, but I
have to stop seeing you, and just be with him."

"I understand," he told her. He was sad, but he also knew it was
for the best. They became friends, even though they didn't have sex
again.

As you can see, breaking up is often painful, difficult,and problematic.
The master seducer, however, prepares himself for an easier
breakup. This chapter began by exploring what type of relationship
you want to be in. We asked, do you want a long-term, or a
short-term erotic relationship? From there we discussed how many
men avoid long-term relationships because of fear.

We then walked you through a step-by-step process to discover
what you must have in a woman you commit to. We then showed
you how to refine the process and come up with the qualities you
require, you desire, and would be great, but aren't necessary.

We talked about the eight types of commitment, and basic
strategies to break up in each stage. To refresh your memory, the
stages included the one-night stand, the acquaintance, a woman
you've slept with a few times and realize that it is becoming a problem
to be together, an occasional sex partner, a woman you've dated
for a month or less, a woman you've dated for between one and three
months, and finally a woman you've dated for over three months.

From there we discussed the pre-work we recommend you do
before breaking up. This includes doing things like making sure all
your things are out of her home, not being a perfect boyfriend to
begin with, making sure she doesn't view you as long-term man, and
never dating a woman for more than a month and then being surprised
when she considers it serious.


472 / Chapter Thirteen

Now that you have done the pre-work, the next step is determining
what are reasons to stay or break up. The eight warning signs
give you a diagnostic tool to determine if a woman is acting in ways
that will lead to trouble down the road, or just behaving normally.
Some of the warning signs: a sudden reduction in how frequently
you have sex; you don't like yourself when you are with her; you
don't like each other; she has constant emotional problems; she is
too demanding; you don't respect her; she wants to come between
you and your male friends; and she has constant emotional problems.


Once you decide to break up, there are several possible problems
that may occur during the actual break-up discussion. Some
things to watch out for: her possibly enticing you with sex to avoid
breaking up; arguing with you. point for point, on why you are
breaking up; threatening you with physical violence and scaring you
into not breaking up; promising to change and become your ideal
girlfriend. All of these problems have simple solutions: break up
quickly and be respectful in the process. The pre-work is also crucial
to all split-up scenarios.

You've now seen how the masters break up, and how the
novices blunder their way through painful and laborious breakups.
No matter what your skill level, breakups are often full of pain. The
master seducer deals with the pain, and takes responsibility for himself,
the woman, and the situation. He places her comfort above his
own desires to be right and makes things easy. The wimp-man
blames all the problems on the woman, and is cruel in his approach.
He insults her, or screams in her face. The more successful you are
in seduction, the more you will be in the break-up mode and will
have to face the common problems involved. If you are a man of
integrity and sincerity, you will steer your way through possibly difficult
situations, and come out with exactly the relationships you
desire.

chapter fourteen...


From Casual
to Committed


For years Daniel heard the same thing from women. Date after
date he'd try to seduce them, only to have them say, "Sex isn't that
important. I want something more." It drove him crazy, because he
couldn't even get sex, much less the "something more" women were
talking about. It seemed to him as though the women he dated wanted
"something more" because they could already get sex in abundance.
After all, lots of men desired the women he desired, too, "I
tell you," he said to his friends. "Someday I'd like to be able to ask
for 'something more' from a woman. That'll be great."

After working with us and attending our workshops, Daniel's
success with women skyrocketed. He found that if he was willing to
do the work, he could seduce as many women as his heart (and other
body parts) desired, Daniel dated a lot, and had sex with many

women.
Finally, a time came when he knew with absolute certainty that
he had no sexual deficit. He knew he could get sex anytime, and that,
in his life, there would never again be a shortage of sexually available
women. Suddenly sex, which had seemed so important to him
his entire adult life, started to seem trivial. He knew he could get it,
so what was the big deal? Daniel got tired of dating women for short
periods of time, then moving on. He found himself wanting "something
more." Daniel was ready for a long-term relationship.


414 Chapter Fourteen

"SOMETHING MORE"

Early in this book we introduced you to the idea of short-term
relationships, which is one in which you have sex with a woman for
a few weeks or months and then you both move on. This may have
been your first exposure to the idea that you could consciously
decide to have a short-term relationship, or that it could be an okay
thing to do. Many men we've known have wished they could get
short-term sex, but never knew it was possible, or that it was something
they could pursue. We've spent most of this book showing you
how to do exactly that.

After you master these, what happened to Daniel is likely to
happen to you. You'll stop feeling any sense of sexual desperation in
your life, and your backlog of need for sexual variety will be fulfilled.
You'll know you can get sex, and you'll start wanting "something
more." You'll start being ready for a long-term relationship.

It is critical that you know how to make this transition from
short-term to long-term dating work for you. If you do, a long-term
relationship is something that can support you in your life, give you
a sense of security, and be a constant source of excitement and pleasure.
If you don't know how to make long-term relationships work,
then they can become the worst of all possible worlds: suffering and
boredom, no access to sex or supportive companionship, topped off
with a commitment to not pursue someone better.

This chapter will show you how to make a long-term relationship
work. This information is absolutely crucial if you want to take
a short-term girlfriend and turn her into the long-term woman in
your life.

When you commit to a woman, you are giving your word that
you are going to be romantically involved only with her, and with no
other woman. She is no longer "one of your women"; she is the one
and only. She's your girlfriend. You make long-term plans together.
and don't cheat on her. You have a current intention of lifetime
involvement with her.

In a long-term relationship, most of the rules change. Most men
have a part of their brains that thinks of long-term relationships as
suffering, as giving up any last shred of freedom or happiness, or as
accepting a ball and chain for life. It is true that, when you go into a

From Casual to Committed I 415

long-term relationship with a woman, there are things that you are
giving up. There is also a lot for you to gain: the support and intimacy
you can experience can't easily be duplicated by anything else.

Whether or not your long-term relationship is drudgery and
suffering or ecstasy and fun is entirely up to you. If you know how
to select the right woman, and how to keep a relationship alive and
growing for the long-term, you can create one that gives you more
than you ever dreamed possible. If you don't know what you are
doing, you can screw up a relationship with the best woman imaginable,
and turn all your interactions with her into boredom and pain.
Yes, it is all in your hands.

Because this chapter is so critical to your maintaining longterm
happiness in a relationship, it is one of the most important in
this book. Pay attention: it's the rest of your life we are talking about
here. When you do settle on a woman for a long-term relationship,
you'll be quizzed on the material in this chapter every day for the
rest of your life,

LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS
AND FOR WHO SHE IS NOT


This entire chapter could be summed up with two sentences of
advice: love her for who she is, and love her for who she isn't The
rest of the chapter will cover how to maintain the relationship, and
keep it fresh and alive. Knowing this is crucial. But behind it all,
underneath the tips and strategies, you must stay aware of why you
love her. You must stay aware of what qualities she possesses that
you adore, all the humor you share, the great discussions you enjoy
together, the similar interests, shared experiences, and the connection
you feel. The good in her is what we recommend you constantly
focus on.

The other half of the picture is to love her for who she isn't. In
other words, finding ways to make peace with the qualities she
doesn't have, her quirks that irritate you, the reasons you fight with
one another, everything that seems less than perfect. If, and when, you
can accept her for not being perfect, and for all the ways she "isn't,"
you can then deepen your relationship and real intimacy can develop.


416 / Chapter Fourteen

When you stop having conditions for your love and accept that
she has personality quirks like the rest of the world, intimacy will
also develop. When you shift from the boyish notions that the world
is out to serve you, and women's role in life is to give you everything
you want on a silver platter, with you giving nothing in return, every


thing will go much smoother.

THE SIX KEYS TO KEEPING A LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIP HAPPY, EXCITING AND HOT


Great long-term relationships rarely "just happen," just as
great short-term seductions rarely "just happen," You have to do
things to create them, keep them growing and remaining fun. If you
are keeping your body healthy, one workout a month will hardly suffice.
Nor will following your diet for one day a month. Relationship
maintenance, like physical maintenance, demands constant focus

and attention.

/. You keep doing the "little things"

Most men start taking the woman they are with for granted
after they've been together for a while. One woman tells us this
story: "Before we got married, Rich always made me dinner one
night a week. It was so wonderful to come home to hot food, music
on the stereo, candles, and a glass of wine all waiting for me. It

always made me feel so loved.
"After we got married, all that suddenly changed. He stopped
doing any cooking at all, except for unfreezing the occasional pizza
to eat while he watched football. When I finally asked him why he
stopped cooking for me, he said 'Oh, that was courting. We're married
now.' Five years later, we were divorced."
Much of the time, your change in behavior isn't that dramatic.
The change is gradual as you stop doing the "little things"
because you stop feeling like it. Early on in the relationship, you
were so wrapped up in love with her, that you didn't even have to
think about going out of your way to make her happy. You just did
it. You seemed to have infinite energy to do the little things that

From Casual to Committed / 417

pleased her because you were so in love. And that's how you fell
into the trap.

When a man is solely motivated to keep doing all the little
things in a relationship because he feels passionate about them, and
the woman, he unknowingly sets himself up for eventually destroying
the relationship. The problem is this: at the beginning, you are
naturally enthusiastic about the woman you are with. That natural
enthusiasm gives you plenty of energy to please her. You feel like
doing the "little things" that keep a relationship going. You do them,
and continue to make her happy.

Sadly and inevitably, you will begin to lose your desire as time
goes on. Here's how it works:

As you get to know her better, and begin to see some of her
flaws, you'll naturally tend to become just a little complacent. As
that happens, you'll not feel so much like doing the little things, so
more and more often yon won't. As you slacken, your sense of her
being special will diminish, and you'll feel like doing the little things
even less. In time you'll stop doing them entirely. After all, you no
longer feel like it! Congratulations. You have killed your relationship,
and soon will be complaining that the spark has died. Before
you know it, you'll be looking for another woman to take your girlfriend's
place.

You have fallen into the relationship complacency trap.
Because you relied on your feelings to guide how much you did the
"little things," you inevitably did them less and less. The less you did
them, the more tepid the relationship became. The more tepid it
became, the less doing the "little things" appealed to you.

The solution is to not let your feelings be your guide for when
you do the "little things" that please her. If you want the relationship
to stay alive and continue to be exciting, energizing and fun, you
must commit yourself to doing them whether you feel like it or not.
Once again, schedule time in your date-book if you must (but don't
tell her you are doing so—it won't seem romantic). Just get those little
things done.

Men who are in successful long-term relationships understand
that the good feelings are created by doing the little things, not viceversa.
As a result, these men commit themselves to continuously



418 I Chapter Fourteen

finding ways to delight their partners, as if the relationship was new
and fresh.

Deb and Kevin have been married for nine years. They are the
wonder of all of their friends, most of whom have been married and
divorced at least once in that time period. For some reason, their
relationship seems alive and growing, while those of their friends are
failing. The reason the relationship is doing so well is because Kevin
always does the little things.

For instance, we were at their house when Kevin decided to run
out to get some tapioca for dessert, to go along with the meal Deb
was making. We went along. He first went to one store, where he
bought a package of single-serving tapioca desserts. "Y'know," he
said to us, "I think I'll run across town to the other food store and
see if they have another brand. Then we'll have Deb do a little tastetest,
and tell us which one she likes better. She loves little events like
that."

Deb was delighted to have the selection, and tried them both,
pronouncing one much better than the other. She felt loved because
Kevin did the little things to keep the relationship alive. She, in turn,
looked for ways to make him happy. Why shouldn't she? After all,
he consistently takes the time to make her happy. She wants to
respond in kind.

The number one key to maintaining long-term relationships is
the understanding that the seduction is never over. You must always
continue doing the little things. We can't possibly emphasize this
enough. If you want your relationship to last, you must keep courting
her, keep seducing her, and keep doing the little things.

2. You support her fully
You must be a constant source of support for her, or your relationship
will die. She must know and trust that you will stand by her
side, no matter what. It is that type of trust and support that keeps
the bond between you strong.

Over the course of your relationship, you will both be discovering,
on a deeper and deeper level, who you really are and what you
are really like. To the extent that all of life is a process of self-discovery,
relationships are a process of self-discovery as well. We don't

From Casual to Committed / 419

mean to get too psychological on you here, but this is important to
understand if you want to have a long-term relationship that lasts.

Another way to put this is to say that both you and your girlfriend
will always be growing, learning, and becoming different people
from who you were when you first met. In the face of this fact,
you have a choice. You can either support her as she grows and
develops, or you can resist her. If you support her fully, she'll support
you fully. If you don't support her fully, she will eventually break up
with you. It's your choice.

This is how Bob lost his last girlfriend. Cathy was always interested
in changing and growing. She had a full-time job, but took
classes at night. After they'd been dating for about a year, she started
taking art and dance classes that really excited her. "I feel like I'm
finally starting to find myself," she confided in Bob. "I think I might
be an artist, deep inside. It's really fulfilling something in me that
nothing else ever has."

Instead of supporting her in these new interests, Bob got
scared. "More fulfilling than me?" he immediately—and stupidly—
asked. "How about that. Well, I hope you won't be too disappointed
when this doesn't pan out for you, either. Besides, I don't trust those
artist types, especially the dancers. They're all gonna try to get into
your pants, anyway. Promise me that you won't cheat on me, okay?
Promise me right now!"

For the next two months, every time Cathy brought up anything
about her newfound passion, Bob responded in the same
unsupportive way. It finally all ended when Cathy told him that she
was sleeping with a guy from her art class. "He understands me, and
is supportive of what I'm doing," she told him. She explained the
breakup to her girlfriends this way: "I guess we just grew apart."

Of course it can be scary when someone you love becomes
enthusiastic about something you know nothing about. Certainly
you might get tense if your girlfriend is suddenly around people different
from those you hang around with, or pursuing something that
seems silly to you. In spite of all that, you must be supportive of her
self-discovery if you want to maintain the relationship. If she gets
into art, take an interest, whether it's convenient for you to do so or
not. If she becomes a modern dancer, go to watch practices, be there
for every performance, and be the all-around most supportive part



420 I Chapter Fourteen

ner you can be. This will cause your relationship to get better, rather

than allow it to "grow apart."

When Susan got a puppy and became passionately interested
in dog training, Daniel became interested, too. While he knew it was
really her hobby, he made himself get involved and found ways to
enjoy it. The truth was he didn't naturally like dogs much, and would
rather have been hanging out at home than go with Susan to dog
training classes. He made himself be interested in it because he
knew that becoming interested was the best way he could keep their
relationship alive and growing. He also knew that her interests were
a wonderful way for him to get outside of his normal routine. He
knew that if he were left to his own devices he'd probably watch
football and drink beer, only spicing up his routine with the occasional
porn video. By sharing her interests he kept himself growing
and got out of his normal routine. It assured that he would continue
to grow as well.

Being supportive of the woman you are in a relationship with
is critically important to the long-term success of your romance. If
you start trying to block her growth, rather than support it, you will
end up alone.

3. You listen to her
We went over communication basics in Chapter 8, when we
talked about the nine steps for turning a roaring lioness into a
purring kitten. You may want to review that communication process,
and really get yourself to the point where you can really use it in a
relationship. As a brief reminder, the nine steps are:

1. Listen to her
2. Repeat back what you heard
3. Thank her
4. Continue to listen to her
5. Make promises and apologies
6. Handle it if you really, truly don't care about what she's
telling you
7. Let it all go
From Casual to Committed / 421

8. Compliment her
9. Repeat this process as many times as it takes.
In Chapter 11, we also talked about "active listening." We gave
you pointers for looking interested, and how to repeat back what
she said to you. A man who follows these techniques will be miles
ahead of 95 percent of other men, who don't follow any discipline
when talking to women they care about, and who don't have the
slightest clue about how to listen so women feel heard.

4. Maintain your own sanity
Many men make the mistake of thinking that their relationship
will see to all their emotional needs. While it will take care of many,
it will never see to all of them. When you try to make a single relationship
meet all of your needs, you place an unfair burden on both
the relationship and the woman. It creates stress, which you only
make worse because your needs are not being met. Certain things
that men tend to let slide once they have a girlfriend are actually
more important in long-term relationships. Here are the things you
must do to maintain your sanity in a relationship:

Have male friends. You must continue to have male friends if
you want your long-term relationship to work. It's easy, especially at
the beginning of a romantic relationship, to lose track of your other
friends. You can get away with this for a while, but once the relationship
becomes more settled, it is essential that you re-establish
contact with your male friends, and keep them in your life. Ideally,
you'd never lose touch with them at any stage.

Friendships with other men give you a space, away from the
woman in your life, to kick back and get into all the parts of yourself
that you normally don't let out around your girlfriend. You can
swear more, burp with impunity, and talk about how much you'd like
to have sex with other women. You can complain about your girlfriend
without getting into trouble.

If you don't have these friendships, you run the risk of starting
to treat your girlfriend the way you would a buddy. This will show up
in two ways. One is that you will start checking out other women


422 I Chapter Fourteen

when your girlfriend is present. This is still a no-no, even once you
are in a long-term relationship. That's just one of the sacrifices that
you have to make. Second, you'll start joking with your girlfriend the
way you would with guys, giving her grief and teasing her. You
should know by now that it's important for you to treat your girlfriend
differently than you do your pals. Men give you a release
valve, so you can "let it all hang out."

Male friends will give you feedback in a way that your girlfriend
can't; they can also give you great guidance about your relationship
that you or your girlfriend would never think of. When
Jacob was having hard times with his girlfriend, Molly, he counted
on his male friends to give him clear, "straight from the hip" feedback
about how he looked from the outside. This feedback made all
the difference in Jacob's ability to restore life to his otherwise failing
relationship.

Becoming a man who only hangs out with his girlfriend is natural.
It's also juvenile. Do what it takes to keep your friendships with
men alive.

Don't share everything with her. Many of the thoughts you
have don't help a long-term relationship. Your longing for a woman
who has larger breasts or your occasional thoughts about leaving
her are not always smart to share. Ditto some of the conversations
you have with your men friends. There's no need to tell her things
that will upset her that have no bearing on the relationship. Some
things you just have to let go of.

When Bob has a girlfriend, he feels it is absolutely necessary
to share every thought, feeling or sensation he has with her. He
doesn't understand that many of the thoughts and feelings he has
are basically insignificant to their relationship. He strongly believes
he's being dishonest if he doesn't tell her every little thing that pops
into his head.

For instance, once he was out having dinner with a girlfriend
when a stunningly beautiful, sexy woman walked right past their
table. Bob gawked openly, not realizing that he should ignore the
woman, and concentrate on his girlfriend. She immediately asked
him, "So, do you think she's more attractive than I am?" Bound by
his idea of "honesty," he answered, "Of course." He should have

From Casual to Committed I 423

known, as a master seducer would, to say something like, "Sure, she's
attractive, but you have everything it takes to enthrall me completely.
I love looking into your eyes, kissing your lips...and I'm so grateful
to be with you." Bob allows himself to get drawn into a conversation
about his girlfriend's merits, relative to those of the supermodel
who had walked by them. Because of his need to be "honest"
and share everything, he tells her about how much he'd like to have
sex with a woman who had such a great body. He ends up in a fight
that he stupidly started by sharing his every thought.

No matter what woman you commit yourself to, she is going to
have qualities that bug you. Listing them to her is not honest, it is
stupid. Her little flaws in personality are probably not going to
change, and sharing your feelings about them probably won't make
a positive difference. Complain to your men friends about these
flaws, and let go of them when you are with her. Tell her what is
important, but don't go generating trouble when you don't have to.

Keep building a life you love. Just because you have a girlfriend
doesn't mean that you can now start getting your sense of validation
from her. The same rule applies to you now that applied to
you when you were dating: get your sense of validation from your
life, not from women. The way you do this is by continuing to build
a life you love.

Remember, you want her to be a wonderful part of your life,
not its centerpiece. You must continue to have goals, and you must
continue pursuing them. You must continue to do the things that
make your life the way you want it to be. You must continue to
explore your personal style, and continue to pursue what you love.
Look at it this way: your passion about your life is probably part of
the reason your girlfriend fell in love with you in the first place. If
you let that go after you are in a committed relationship, you won't
be the man she fell in love with. In time, that simple fact will destroy
your relationship,

5. You sacrifice for the relationship
Most men hear word "sacrifice" and think it means more suffering,
or doing more housework, or letting a woman dictate their



424 / Chapter Fourteen

behavior. Whatever it means, it is something they don't like. In fact,

sacrifice means none of those things; it means that you consistently

put what is necessary for the relationship ahead of your own per


sonal needs. This doesn't mean that you sleep less, or miss work, or

stop enjoying sports. What it means is that you do whatever is nec


essary to make the relationship work. So if, for example, your girl


friend feels that you disagree about important issues, and need to go

to therapy, you do it, even if you think it sucks and is ridiculous. You

do it as a way to sacrifice for her happiness, and to make the rela


tionship work better.

Women learn to sacrifice for men early on. They put up with

our obnoxious nature, offer us their bodies, cook food we like, dress

the way we fantasize about, compliment us when they don't want to,

and do dozens of other things to keep us happy, and to keep rela


tionships going.

If you are unwilling to do the same, then grow up, or get out of
the relationship immediately. Without some ability to sacrifice, the
relationship will fail. If you are unwilling to do so, stick to short-term

dating.

Think of sacrifice as getting a shot when you were a kid.
Remember how much it hurt, and seemed horrid? Even though it
was scary and it hurt, someone forced you to do it because that person
knew it would help for the long term. Sacrificing for a relationship
is the same way. You do it, even if you don't like it at first, for

long-term benefits.

If you look closely, you probably are already doing it, but don't
realize you are. When you do "the little things" for her, you sacrifice.
Buying little gifts for her, when you don't have money is sacrifice.
Listening to her cry, or complain when you want to watch TV is also
sacrifice. Anytime you "give up" something to make her happy, or to
make the relationship work, it is sacrifice. If you constantly keep
thinking about ways to do this, you will keep the whole thing alive
and flowing.

6. You keep your sex life happening
You can't afford to let your sex life die. Once again, keeping it
lively is dependent on your choices, not your feelings. If you stick

From Casual to Committed / 425

with your feelings, after a few years your desire will start to wane,
even with the hottest of women. You must take the consistent
actions that keep your sex life lively. Review the sex chapter, and
commit yourself to staying interested sexually. This may mean that
sometimes you make yourself have sex with her, even if you initially
don't feel like it. Men we know tell us that the desire starts, once
you do. We recommend that you always and forever experiment
with new types of sexual play and always strive to keep your sex life
fresh.

You must not let your sexual relationship die; your sex life is
the thing that separates your relationship with your girlfriend
from the others in your life. If you are not having sex with her, she
might as well just be a friend. Sex is the heart and blood of a passionate
relationship. Fortunately, simply committing yourself to
continuously expanding your sexlife is often enough to keep it
vital.

THE SEX STUMBLING BLOCKS

TO HAPPY, HEALTHY AND HOT

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS

Just as there are things you must do to keep a long-term relationship
happy, there are things you must not do as well. You must
keep your eyes open for the stumbling blocks to healthy, happy and
hot long-term relationships. They are the main reasons for relationship
degradation that we've seen, and the problem is, each one of
them is completely natural. If you are not vigilant, you will slip into
any or all of them. If you are, your relationship will prosper; if you
aren't, it will wither away and die.

/. Treating her like a guy friend

If you get nothing else from this chapter, get this: the best way
to degrade your romantic relationship with a woman is to treat her
like one of your guy friends. The way this shows up for most men is
joking with and teasing a girlfriend or wife the way you would a
buddy. Don't do it.


426 Chapter Fourteen

Harold made this mistake constantly with his wife, Collette.

They were out with another couple, Stan and Jody, when Collette

brought up a book about gender issues that had helped her

understand Harold better. She recommended the book to Jody.

Thinking he was being clever, Harold told Stan, "It'll probably

make Jody more appreciative of you, just as it made Collette final


ly appreciate me." Collette was immediately hurt. "What's that

supposed to mean?" she asked him. "I do appreciate you!" Harold

hurt Collette's feelings by making a teasing joke that would be

much more appropriate with a guy friend than it would be with a

woman.

This may not seem like a very big deal to you, but it is. If you
make even one insulting/teasing joke to your girlfriend per week,
you are unnecessarily insulting her more than 50 times a year. Don't
think she doesn't notice, because she does. And don't think she
won't get you back for it, because she will do that, too. She won't do
this because she is a mean or vindictive person; she'll do it because
you drove her to it.

Here's another way to think about this: It's as if you have a
bank account in a romantic relationship. The more "little things" you
do, and the more you are romantic and make a woman feel good
about herself, the more you have in that account. The greater your
balance in the account, the more she'll want to do things to make
you happy.

On the other hand, the more you hurt her feelings, the more
you take out of this account. Making little teasing jokes at her
expense costs more than you think. When the account gets negative,
shell start extracting revenge, and will find ways to hurt you back.
This isn't because she's a bad person; she's just trying to balance the
books.

As a man, it is your job to make sure that the balance in this
account is always positive, and greater than it's ever been in any
relationship she's ever been in before. You want to constantly overwhelm
her with the abundance of generosity, love and appreciation
you have toward her. If you do this, she'll always be forgiving and
loving. If you don't, you can turn the nicest woman into a shrew.

Save your teasing for your buddies. Don't do it with the woman
you love.

From Casual to Committed I 427

2, Belittling her

This is truly one of the stupidest things men do. and lots of men
fall into it. Belittling the woman you are in a long-term relationship
with, especially in public, will drive the love out without fail. Don't

doit.
Belittling her often takes the form of teasing (see above) and
"pet names" that insult her intelligence. Some men actually call their
girlfriends or wives "my little idiot," or "stupid." The tragedy i§, men
tell us, that once they get used to belittling the woman they are with,
it starts to seem natural. They just get into the habit of remarking
caustically upon their wife or girlfriend's lack of intelligence. They
find that saying "Geez, how can you be so dumb?" just seems to fall
out of their mouths.
We shouldn't have to tell you by now that the cost of doing this
will be your happiness. Obviously, if you ever catch yourself doing
this, you will apologize at once, and commit yourself to never doing
it again.

3. Fighting
Speaking of stupid, getting into a screaming fight with the

woman you love is a stupid thing to do, too. Angry fighting tends to

feed upon itself and, worse, feeds upon the relationship.

To understand why this is, think back to what we taught you

about flirting with a woman you want to seduce. We showed you that

you need to teach her to associate your presence with good feelings,

so that when she sees you or even thinks about you, she feels good.

You do this by always providing good feelings while she is looking

at you. In lime, seeing you and feeling good become linked.

When you fight with a woman this same dynamic works against

you. If you have lots of angry, unpleasant fights with a woman, you

teach her to associate your presence with angry, bad feelings. When

she sees you, or even thinks about you, she'll feel angry and bad.

She'll learn to associate you with those feelings, and that's not good.

To make matters worse, the same thing will happen to you.

After a number of fights, you will have learned to associate her with

fighting, anger, and bad feelings. Seeing her, or even just thinking

about her, will make you angry.


428 / Chapter Fourteen

For this reason, it's important that you don't get into out-ofcontrol
fights. People often think that they have the right to treat
poorly the people who are close to them —remember the saying,
"You always hurt the one you love"? If you find yourself starting to
fight, make an effort to stay civil. Of course you will have disagreements,
and of course you will get angry. Just moderate it. If you think
that you are going to get out of control, get away from her, and deal
with the problem when you are feeling calmer,

Allen and Lisa do all their fighting via e-mail. "It just works so
much better for us to be able to pick and choose what we say, and to
really think about what is going on between us," Allen says.
"Besides, then I don't associate all those bad feelings with her, It just
works better." If you have a real problem with anger—and many
men do—it may make sense for you to get professional help. A good
therapist can help you let go of anger and be more successful in relationships.
Our point here is that all-out fighting is bad for relationships,
and you shouldn't do it.

4. Lying to her
Some lying is "white lying," or is on the order of "not sharing
everything." This is okay; it's actually a form of being polite. If she
asks you how you like her new shoes, for instance, and you couldn't
care less about them, you certainly do want to say "I think they are
very nice." If she asks you what you are thinking, she really wants to
know the good things you've been thinking about her lately. Don't
tell her that you are thinking about how hot Mira Sorvina looked
playing a prostitute in the movie you saw together the previous
night, and how great it would be to have sex with her. Tell your girlfriend
something truthful about how special she is to you. If you are
doing the things we are teaching you in this chapter you'll always be
aware of something special about her, anyway.

Destructive lying is different. Destructive lying to your girlfriend
or wife starts you down a slippery slope that will eventually
destroy your relationship. Lying often starts after you decide, on
some subconscious level, to wreck your relationship. It starts at that
moment when you decide that doing the "little things" for this
woman is too much work, and that you aren't getting enough back

From Casual to Committed I 429

to make it worth your while. It starts when you decide subconsciously
that she isn't worth the effort anymore, and that someone
else would be. You start looking for that someone else, and you start

to lie.
A woman who is close to you will "just know" when you are

lying to her. Psychologists often say that SO percent of communication
is nonverbal. If you don't think she'll pick up on your duplicity, you
are mistaken. When you try to hide the truth your face will change,
your way of moving will change, and your vocal tone will change.
She'll know something is wrong, and you will eventually pay the price.

Here's a true story about how this happened to Lonny, a friend
of ours. He was dating Joy who, a year into their relationship, moved
to another city in order to go to school. They got together about
once every two months, talked on the phone, and sent e-mail to keep
the relationship alive.

One day Lonny met Dee Dee, and was overwhelmed by their

mutual attraction. In short order he went to bed with her, even

though cheating on Joy was something he had sworn he'd never do.

The next morning, Joy called him up. A few moments into their con


versation she asked him, "Did you have sex with another woman last

night?" He compounded his error by lying to her about it, and with


in two months they had a horrible breakup. Dee Dee was disturbed

by the fact that Lonny lied to Joy, and broke up with him as well. He

was left alone and hurting, largely because of his lying.

Though perhaps more painful initially, honesty would have

been his best policy. His first lie was promising Joy he wouldn't cheat

on her. He didn't know it was a lie, but it was. If he'd kept his word

to not cheat on Joy, he wouldn't have had to tell her other lies as

well.
When Joy asked him the next day if he'd slept with another
woman, it would have gone better if he'd told the truth and faced the
music right then. She would have been upset, but it would have put
him in a situation where he had to decide which relationship was
most important. It would have given him an opportunity to really
acknowledge the problems the long-distance relationship was causing,
and to take definite actions to solve them.
Instead he lied, pretended everything was fine, and created a
situation in which he had to continue to lie to keep up the facade.


430 / Chapter Fourteen

Ultimately she found out the truth, and it led to their breakup. There

was no way she could trust him after he had lied to her, repeatedly,

about his sex with another woman.

While not all women are as psychically attuned as Joy was,

many will be. The undercurrents of duplicity that lying puts into

your relationship will inevitably wash away anything good about it.

In almost any situation, you will find that the long-term conse


quences of telling the truth are easier to bear than are the long-term

consequences of lying. The bottom line? Don't lie to her.

5. Blaming her for your problems
By this time, the theme of the book should be clear: you are

responsible for the quality of your life and the quality of your rela


tionships. Life will always work better for you if you operate from

this philosophy.

Sadly, many men like to blame the women in their lives for
their problems. This is babyish and immature. In our experience,
men who blame their girlfriends or wives for their problems caused
90 percent (or more) of those problems themselves. For instance,
Jim blamed his girlfriend, Becky, for not being sexy enough in bed.
"It's like I'm stuck with this woman who has no desire," he says, "She
must be frigid. I'll tell you one thing, though; she wasn't like this at
the beginning. No sir! She couldn't get enough, the little minx. And
now what? I'm wearing out my right hand, doing it for myself!"
Upon investigation, however, we found that he never did the little
things for her anymore, and that he generally treated her like another
guy. He had destroyed the romance in the relationship. Not her.
After trashing their romance, he blamed her for their lack of a sex
life.

We showed Jim how to stop complaining and change his
behavior, and he found that Becky warmed up to him sexually once
again. He could never have actually solved his problem while he was
still blaming her. Before he could change, he had to first realize that
he was doing it, and make a decision to stop.

Nine times out of ten, you are more the cause for your problems
than you are willing to admit. The tenth time, you are better off
acting as though you are the cause anyway. If you blame the woman

From Casual to Committed I 431

in your life for your problems, you will just reinforce them and make
everything worse.

6, Not being forgiving

In any relationship there will be times when you have to be forgiving.
As we've said before, she will do things that upset you, just as
you will do things that upset her. If you aren't forgiving with her,
your behavior will be corrosive to the relationship.

Many people don't know the simple basics of forgiveness. We
know how to say "I forgive you," but we don't know how to make
the forgiveness really work. We don't know how to let the past be in
the past. Most men say they forgive, then bring up their partner's
transgression again and again as a way of continual torture.

After Sheila and Gary had been dating for almost a year, they

went to a party together where Sheila got more drunk than Gary

had ever seen her. She then disappeared with another man. Gary

caught them in a back hallway, making out. She drunkenly explained

that she didn't know what she was doing, and he took her home.

The next day they talked about what happened, and whether or

not their relationship had a future. Gary was understandably angry,

and thinking about breaking the relationship off right then and

there. He told her "I've passed up other women because I was com


mitted to this relationship! I expect you to do the same, or I want to

break up with you," She cried, and apologized, and admitted that she

had a problem with alcohol that made her too impulsive when she

drank too much. They talked about whether there was a deeper

problem in the relationship, and decided there wasn't. She just got

really drunk, and did something really stupid. She apologized sin


cerely, and promised to not drink that much again.

Sheila kept her promise: from then on, she drank little or noth


ing at the parties they went to. She remained an attentive lover, and

a good girlfriend. But this wasn't enough for Gary. He kept bringing

up her transgression. Anytime he felt angry, he'd say something like,

"I guess I'm not as good as that guy at the party, eh?" or "If you

don't like me, I bet that party guy would take you. You seemed pret


ty into him." For Gary, all conversational roads led back to remind


ing Sheila of her mistake. Eventually she started defending herself


432 I Chapter Fourteen

from his attacks, and they fought. Finally they broke up, because of

Gary's inability to forgive. "I apologized and apologized," she said

later. "But he was never able to let it go."

If you want to truly be forgiving, you must be able to let go of

what you have forgiven. This looks like not talking about it again. If

Gary had really forgiven Sheila, he would never have brought it up

again, after their initial conversation. It would be done, over with,

finished. If he felt like bringing it up again, a truly forgiving man

would have restrained himself. He'd let bygones be bygones, and let

the past stay in the past.

This isn't to say that he was wrong in being angry about it. He
wasn't. He was absolutely right to make sure she knew that her
actions had created a big problem, and it was important that she feel
uncomfortable about it, and that she apologize. But after he accepted
her apology, he should not have brought it up again, unless she
started drinking too much, or flirting too wildly with other men. As
long as she kept her promise, he should have let it go.

When you are in a relationship, you will get justifiably angry
from time to time. She will do things you have to forgive her for. To
keep the relationship alive and happy, you must understand that
when you forgive, you give up the right to torment her with what she
did. You give up that right forever. This may be a sacrifice for you.
Left to your own devices, you might bring it up again to "keep her
in her place." Don't do it. Allow her transgressions to be over with
your forgiveness, and don't drag them into the future. Your relationship
will be much happier and have a much greater success rate
if you learn to really forgive.

DANIEL'S NEWFOUND SUCCESS

Daniel has fulfilled his desire. He meets a woman named
Susan, and one year later they are still dating happily. Here's a typical
date for them, a year into their relationship:

They've arranged a dinner date for Saturday night, and, on the
Wednesday afternoon before the date, Daniel starts to prepare. He
calls Susan and tells her "I'd like this Saturday to be a more formal
date, if that's okay with you. How about we dress up for it, and make

From Casual to Committed / 433

it something special?" "Sure! "she responds. "It'll be a great chance
to wear my new outfit!"

Smiling, Daniel hangs up the phone. He calls his friend, Jake,
who is about his size, and arranges to borrow his tux for Saturday
night. A call to another friend secures a Cadillac for his use on the
date as well.

After work he goes by a toy store, and buys her several cheap
but fun trinkets, which he will wrap prettily before the date. He also
stops by a bookstore and buys her a book she's been interested in.
There's no occasion; Daniel simply understands that this is the kind
of thing he has to do to keep the relationship exciting and aiive. He's
happy to do it all, too. After all, it's fun, and it creates moments to
remember for both him and Susan.

On the afternoon of the date, he goes by a flower store to get
her some flowers. He hasn't bought her anything in a while, so he
decides to splurge, and he buys her a dozen red roses.

Well dressed and in a fancy car, he picks Susan up at her house,

and she is overwhelmed. The flowers astound her, and she rushes

excitedly to put them in water. He holds open doors for her, is the

perfect gentleman, and takes her to the restaurant. It's not the best,

or most expensive restaurant in town, but it seems more fun to them

both because of their fancy dress. People treat them better, too:

everyone in the restaurant is amused by their garb, and tries to make

their experience even more special. After dinner, over coffee, Daniel

gives her one of the little gifts he bought for her. The last one he has

reserved for when they get back to her apartment, as a prelude to a

night of hot and passionate sex.

You can have what Daniel has, if you desire it. The simple steps

described in this chapter will guide you. You, like Daniel, can keep

a romance alive, and be more in love each day with the woman of

your dreams.



chapter fifteen...
Conclusion


It's now a year later and we see Bob walking down the sidewalk
looking like a million bucks. At first glance it is hard to believe
that this is the same guy who previously refused to wear nice clothes,
had unkempt hair, had a bad attitude, and refused to alter his ways
to impress a woman. Now, he is wearing an outfit from GQ magazine,
his hair is stylishly done, and he looks and acts confident.

After months of constant failure to meet and date women, Bob
decided to finally take our advice and model himself after stylish
men in media. He focused on modeling their physiology, thoughts,
clothing, attitude, and beliefs about dating. After routine practice he
was able to get himself psyched up and "in the zone," and success
has become the norm.

A year ago, Bob wouldn't have been caught dead reading and
studying men's fashion. Now, even though it is not his favorite topic
in life, he has a subscription to several men's fashion magazines. He
is always on the look out for ways to improve his looks. At first it felt
funny, almost unnatural, to dress fashionably and concentrate on
looking good, but after a while Bob noticed that women were treating
him differently, and he felt differently about himself. Bob realized,
as we hope you have, that the clothes a man wears, and the way
he wears them, send a message to women. Before, he was unconsciously
saying "stay away from me. I don't care what you think."
His strategy was effective, and women kept away. Looking sloppy
greatly contributed to his patterns of failure.


436 / Chapter Fifteen

Bob also realized that the hot, young, and sexy 21-year-olds he

most wanted to date would never consider him a possibility if he

dressed messy and didn't project confidence.This realization pushed

him to work out frequently, lose weight, and spend a few thousand

dollars on clothing. "At first I thought the men's fashion stores were

ripping me off, and I left feeling really pissed off. But then, after I

thought about it for a while, I figured that it was an investment, like

anything else, and it would lead to success down the road. With this

attitude I took the advice of the sales clerks and bought several out


fits that looked good on me. Now, I feel powerful when I walk down

the street. Women check me out, and I actually feel like a movie star

at times. It is fun."

When Bob began to change the way he dressed, he relied on

the clothing and hygiene checklist from Chapter Three. This list

includes things like glasses both in good repair and fashionable,

making sure ear and nose hair are trimmed, making sure lips are soft

and kissable, shaving before every date, taking pens out of his shirt

pockets before dates, wearing clean underwear, making sure socks

match, and keeping all clothing in good repair,

"There were many changes I had to make when I decided to
seriously master seduction," Bob reports, "I completely altered my
clothing and how I viewed things like exercises and diet. In the past
I thought that being a stud was something you were either born with
or you could never be. I've changed my tune,"

Bob has gained the confidence with women, and in life, that he
always wanted. He now knows that action is the key. Bob realized
that having close guy friends was also essential for having the life he
truly desired. "I always felt distant from other men," he reports.
After being coached by us, he says, "I began talking to other men,
getting to know them better. There are many topics I can talk about
with guys that I can't with women. It has been a great help in seduction
to have other men to bounce ideas off of, and egg each other on.
I realized how fun it is to kick back, drinking some beers, watch a
game and shooting the bull. It energizes me for the other areas of
my life. Previously I used to think watching sports was for macho
creepheads. Now I know that I too am a creep like everyone else.
There's nothing wrong with it—it's great fun!"

Another way Bob gained confidence with women was to admit
that he was scared to date women. He was afraid of rejection, afraid

Conclusion I 437

that women wouldn't like him, afraid of not knowing how to talk to
women, afraid of being viewed as macho and a womanizer. These
fears kept him unsuccessful in his pursuit. It was only after he admitted
his fears that he was able to move on and change them.

One solution was simply to flirt and talk to women all the time.
Bob began doing so every day, and it quickly helped increase his
confidence. At first, all he could do was say "hi." Slowly, he learned
to use romantic questions, flirt, smile, memorize lines, and relax.
Refusing to let rejections get him down, and having other men egg
him on helped him to keep going.

Looking over the year, Bob continued to make hundreds of
mistakes, but stayed on track. Most men would have given up, felt
bad about themselves, and blamed everyone for their failures. Bob
was persistent and things slowly changed for him. He viewed learning
seduction like a job, something that took a lot of work on the
front end to get results later.

On his first few seduction dates, Bob ignored our warnings that
a man must have his car and home set up for romance. He continued
to use his car as a roving garbage truck. He stored bottles and
cans that would some day arrive at the recycling plant, hamburger
wrappers from fast food places, and a collection of tools, all within
the confines of his old, loud, rusted, and dented compact car. To
make things worse, he had fuzzy dice hanging from his rear view
mirror. Any woman who entered his car got out as quickly as she
could. He later bought another car and this time modified it to be a
certifiable sex mobile. He made sure to keep it clean, got a tape deck
installed and purchased romantic music, stored blankets, pillows and
wine in the trunk, and, of course, he hid a cache of condoms in the
glove box.

Bob's home went through a similar transformation. He realized
that a house full of garbage, dirty dishes, ragged furniture, and
bad odors, killed the romantic mood every time. Over a few months
he replaced all the lamps in the living room and bedroom, making
sure they each had a dimmer switch. Bob also purchased some new,
soft, and comfortable furniture that invited romance and sensuality.
He re-covered other pieces with matching material. His new bed
was huge, and was easy to lie on for hours. A nice collection of plants
and framed pictures created a romantic mood in both rooms. Bob
learned to clean his bedroom and living room before each date, and


438 I Chapter Fifteen

make sure that clean sheets and pillowcases were on his bed. He felt
more comfortable in his home, and several women commented that
it was fun and romantic to visit.

He greatly increased both his romance and flirting skills over
the year as well. At first it seemed impossible to be effective at
either romance or flirting, but after constant reading, practicing, and
advice from other men, these skills became easy. In the past, Bob
believed that flirting was simply talking without direction that
would, hopefully, magically, lead to sex. He thought that since he had
never had a one-night stand, and no single conversation had led to
sex, he was a failure. Later, Bob realized that the essence of flirting
is to play without an attachment to the outcome, and that a man
rarely has sex with a woman after one flirting encounter.

When he learned to relax, he was able to flirt, wink, and interact
with women with confidence. Bob used flirting to prequalify
women to see if they were potentials for dating and sex. He also
learned to use flirting to anchor pleasurable feeling in the woman to
seeing him. For instance, he began flirting and casually talking to the
cashier at the convenience store near his job. Every day, on his lunch
break, he decided to go and talk to her about anything romantic. At
first he was nervous, only saying a word or two; over time she grew
to look forward to his daily visits.

Bob made many botched attempts with flirting before he
learned the basics: not using crude humor, not joking as roughly as
he would with guys, never joking about her appearance, never
indulging in any disgusting behavior in front of her, and never making
himself the butt of any joke. In the process of learning, he made
all of these mistakes. But he soon learned to make jokes about
things at hand, the importance of simply saying "hi," focusing on eye
contact, and describing romantic things during conversations.

Learning how to be romantic was equally difficult. In the
beginning, he always forgot to make his romantic interest known
right away. He often waited a few days before putting on the charm.
The women usually felt put off by this behavior, however, having
already decided he was a friend. Finally he realized that women usually
decide, within the first few minutes of meeting, whether a man
is a friend or a lover. Bob even began studying romantic movies,
poetry, and novels. He wanted to learn as much as he could. Every

Conclusion I 439

week, he gave himself assignments to understand, and learn what
women desired in a romantic situation. He decided that it was his
job on dates to make the woman feel special, and do the romantic
things necessary to achieve the result.

The romantic stories and movies he read confirmed our assertion
that romance has the air of the unexpected and unreal. A
romantic situation is generous but not needy, goes at her pace, is
truly appreciative of her. It demonstrates to a woman that you've
put time, energy, and thought into a date.

One of the hardest things for Bob to learn was that women are
generally concerned, at first, that a man is dangerous and will hurt
them. This fear must be overcome before any further rapport can be
built. After many priming and seduction dates, and interviewing
female friends, they all proved this to be true.

In the beginning of this book, Bob always complained that there
were no places to meet women. He was lonely, but nothing seemed
to work for him. After taking our advice, Bob began experimenting
with meeting women at alternative places. Some have paid off well,
and led to dates, and others were not so productive. In any case, Bob
has found that each and every place he goes is a possible place to
meet women. He has learned to flirt, and not take it personally if it
doesn't lead to anything, or if he is rejected by the woman.

Bob started going to the same coffee shop every day. He
became one of the regulars, and this made it easy to talk to women
he saw routinely. They already had a connection, the coffee shop. He
starting eating at the same restaurants regularly, and going to the
gym at the same time to work out. These, too, led to more opportunities
to date and flirt. He talked with women at his favorite bookstore,
and though it didn't lead to a date, he had some interesting
discussions. Bob experimented with attending new-age events; he
was even asked to leave one of them for teasing a psychic. He didn't
get any sex that day, but he practiced his seduction skills and had fun
being obnoxious, so in his mind, it was a success.

He also attended ballroom dance class a few times. He danced

with some hot young women. He also met many women at dog

training classes. He even signed up for a Japanese cooking class. Bob

was the only man in the class. The other students were mostly mar


ried, middle-aged women. But Joyce, one of the students, was very


440 I Chapter Fifteen

friendly. They went out for drinks after one of the classes. Their
drinking dates led to a short-term erotic relationship. Though they
had little in common, the sex was good, and that was enough for
them both.

Bob dated Joyce for a only a month. Though he wanted to date
her longer, he knew that if they continued, Joyce would likely want
to be his girlfriend. Bob was able to cut off the potential relationship
quickly, and Joyce was not surprised when he finally called it
quits.

One of Bob's biggest failures was to not notice all the women
he came into contact with each day. deviously, he had acted as
though there were no women to date. He had failed to notice all the
women he talked to, and came into contact with on a daily basis.
Now, his days are much more like Bruce in Chapter 4, flirting and
dating with women all day and all night long.

As part of his practice, he put out many personals ads in a local
paper, and looked for woman on the Internet. The ads led to a few
dates; the Internet ad led to no dates, but he did exchange some satisfyingly
sexy e-mails.

One of his boldest moves was to attend a poetry reading and
get up and read seductive poetry. He wrote several poems about
sexuality and romance. He took our advice, and created long poems
out of romantic questions, and by describing romantic states. "It
shocked me to be up there. I never thought I would be so bold, but
it was fun. After, 1 talked to six or more women. That was the best
part, I got a few phone numbers. One woman, Rebecca, was a 20year-
old, tortured-artist type. She was all punky looking with tattoos
and piercings on her face. She went home with me that night, and it
was my first one-night stand."

Bob also spent time studying magic tricks. He focused on card
tricks. It was a perfect way to begin conversations with women. He
would pull out a deck of cards while waiting in a line, or sitting on
the bus, and use it as a conversation starter. This too, provided
opportunities to date and flirt.

He mastered the distinctions between priming and seduction
dates. The goal of the first is to prune the woman and generate connection.
He saw the importance of keeping that date short. If he
went too long, he realized, it was easy to make mistakes, and not
develop that connection.

Conclusion / 441

Bob recently took Monica, a woman he met at the gym, on a
priming date at a coffee shop. They spent only 45 minutes together,
and it worked perfectly. Since she appeared to be having a great
time, he decided to end the date even earlier than planned. Bob
remembered that it wasn't a time to socialize. The work at hand was
asking romantic questions and researching her requirements in a
man and a mate. For example, he found out what her first kiss was
like, if she believes in love at first sight, what she values in a relationship,
and what she looks for in a boyfriend.

Bob, of course, brought his new book to read, in case Monica
failed to show up. He knew that many wouldn't show up, and he was
prepared, which made it easy for him to relax and be spontaneous.
Because he had other women to date, he wasn't too concerned with
Monica's reactions to his questions or his behavior. He was able to
take it all in stride.

One of Bob's biggest changes is that he is able to be decisive.
In the past he always relied on the woman to make the decisions,
reasoning that it would make her feel comfortable. Now he realizes
that it is crucial that he make decisions during the date.

While the date with Monica went well, he had been on dozens
of failed priming dates throughout the year. There were women who
were late and didn't show up. He found a way to learn from each
mistake he made and each thing he forgot to do. After each date,
Bob went through his After-the-Date checklist from the Priming
Date chapter. This includes things like looking into the woman's
eyes at least four times, asking romantic questions, touching her
hand, making sure the date was no longer than 75 minutes, making
decisions, making her smile and/or laugh at least once, being early,
gathering information about her, and complimenting her at least
five times, and many other personal touches. Along with the after
the date checklist, he always examined how much he was willing to
work to further the relationship. What would it take to move things
to the next level? Bob created his own measurements to track the
degree to which he was or wasn't interested in a woman.

Bob's next step was to study seduction dates. He wanted to
master shifting the focus from building rapport to having sex. With
Monica, he knew she was ready to move on. She showed interest in
him, flirted frequently, and responded well to his information touch.
On the seduction date he made sure to employ the key elements:


442 / Chapter Fifteen

making the date into a special event, picking a fun and romantic
activity, making it memorable, paying for the date, being flexible
with time, giving little gifts, making the woman feel special, planning
for success, and making sure the date featured surprises.

Before the date he made sure to do all the pre-work. He
assessed the attraction level between the two of them, created sexual
goals, made sure the date was at a convenient time, decided how
much money to spend, had a back-up plan, was prepared, and used
the information from the priming date to guide his choices, During
the date, Bob was punctual, polite, affectionate, complimentary,
treated her like a woman, talked about upbeat topics, and was fun to
be around.

At first Bob failed to get a woman into bed, and when he did it
ended up disastrously. Remember the horrid situation with Barb in
the Sex chapter? Bob was in bed with her, but didn't know how to
touch her sensually. He was too rough, and wanted to quickly move
into intercourse. He refused to spend time on foreplay, kissing and
petting, and the other necessary elements. While with Monica, however,
he kissed her during the seduction date, and they ended up in
her bed. Because he had concentrated on learning about sensual
touch, women's bodies, and massage, Bob touched Monica just as
she desired. He wasn't embarrassed by looking at her, or asking
questions. Bob kissed her and Monica moaned loudly. He was full of
confidence. His work on attitude in the bedroom paid great dividends.


Bob realizes that his main goal is to be a true playboy. He sees
himself in a long-term committed relationship within a few years,
but for now, he wants to continue dating and having many shortterm
erotic relationships. He knows what is needed to make a longterm
relationship work, when he is ready: sacrifice, romance, fun
experiences, little gifts, and communication skills, especially listening,
doing the little things, supporting her fully, maintaining his own
sanity. But for now he wants to continue to play the field.

Another important skill Bob has learned, that has come in
handy on many dates, is how to handle problem situations and problem
women. Before, he would default into the 24 Idiot Mistakes and
Stumbling Blocks regarding dating, including not dating more than
one woman, not controlling all variables, confronting women when

Conclusion / 443

they didn't call him back or initiate enough. He would overwhelm a
woman with sexual innuendoes, take the date too seriously, try to get
validation and certainty from her. and check out other women when
he was with her. He would not set limits and value his time, energy,
and/or money. He tried to solve all women's problems, fought incessantly,
and defaulted into yelling, screaming, and not managing his
anger effectively.

Bob has dated a number of problem women during the year,
and has learned to avoid them. He's dated women like the Cry Baby,
the Paranoid Police-Caller, the Street Fighter, and the Manipulator/
Bitch/Criticizer. He has learned to take his intuition seriously and
avoid the women who could be dangerous. He has dated women
who had constant emotional problems, who stopped being sexual,
who interfered with his work, who degraded his self-respect, who
tried to come between him and his buddies , who were overly critical,
controlling, and violent. The moment any of these problems
arose, he knew to promptly end the relationship.

Bob has also had to face many problems inside himself. The
tendency to be a SNAG (Sensitive New-Age Guy), for example, has
pestered him for years. He was always trying to get women to have
sex with him by being superficially nice, which never worked. He
found out that women were looking for a confident man who was
not so apologetic, and who was not trying to impress them by being
only nice. He also stopped being a control freak and a know-it-all on
dates. He no longer lies to himself that he wants a relationship. Bob
wants sex, and is not apologetic about it.

Bob credits his success to following our advice carefully, and
never ceasing to work. He has faced more problems than most of
our students, and he has come out successful with women. By taking
the little steps along the way, you too, will be like Bob and change
the way you talk, act, and date women. This book is your bible for
dating and sexual success. If you use our science and your own intuition,
you are destined to succeed.