How to succeed with women(1)

how


to


succeed


with


women


RON LOUIS
DAVID COPELAND

Index I 445

Flipped Out, 344 be honest, 11-12
Paranoid Police-Caller, 344-45 being yourself, 8-10

Index

StreetFighter, 345-46 be a woman's therapist, 11

A

Acquaintance, as level of commitment, 396

Affection, and seduction date. 261-63
Afterplay,306
After the priming date:


did/didn't checklists, 233-34
study questions, 234
After the seduction date, 385-86
did/didn't checklists, 270
AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syn


drome), 315
Air of the unexpected and unreal, 199-201
Androgynous Boy, 350
Anger, avoiding on bad dates, 332-33
"Announce" method, for getting first kiss,

283
Appreciation, 199
Arguing, in break-up conversation, 407-9
"Ask" method, for getting first kiss, 283
Attitude, 22-23,218

and priming date, 218
and sex, 297-98
Automobile, See Car

B

Babies, meeting women using, 135

Bad dates/women to avoid, 319-63
anger, avoiding, 332-33
classic types to avoid, 343-46
examples of, 319-23
explaining yourself, avoiding, 237
fighting, 331,337-43
handling problems women cause, 323-24
high-maintenance women, 326-28
listening actively, 335-37
low-maintenance women, 324-25
maintenance spectrum, gauging, 324
medium-maintenance women, 325-26
problem men, 347-54
problem women, 346-47
reasoning with an upset women, avoid


ing, 333-34
rudeness, handling gracefully, 335
solving a woman's problem, avoiding,

328-31
taking nothing personally, 334
See also Fighting


Bathing, sensual experience of, 192
Beaten Down by Life/No Vitality, as type,
348-49
Beauty, complimenting, 302

Beer-Drinking Jerk, as type, 349
Belt, 71-72
Bitch Goddess, as type to avoid, 345
Body, complimenting, 301-2
Body makeover, 66-73
Bookstores, meeting women in, 121
Breaking up, 5,387-412

break-up conversation problems, 407-9
arguing, 408
enticement, 407-8
physical violence/threats, 408-9
promises to change, 409

clean breakups, examples of, 409-12
commitment, 390-91

types of, 396-99
deciding what you want, 391-95
pre-work for break up, 399-401
purpose of, 395-96
types of break-ups, 401-2


mutual, 401-2
she breaks up with you, 402
you break up with her, 402

warning signs of the end, 402-7
she doesn't like you, 404
she has constant emotion problems,

404-5
she is too demanding. 405-6
she tries to come between you and

your buddies, 407
she tries to make you guilty about

male things, 406
stopped sex, 403
you don't respect her, 406-7
your worst trails surface in her pres


ence, 403-4
Business hotel bars, meeting women in, 12627


Calming scents, 188
Candles, 300
Car, 77-80

cleaning, 78-79
fixing/repairing, 79-80
making romantic,79


Carrying something odd, meeting women

by, 134
Chat rooms, meeting women in, 128-29
Chlamydia, 312-13
Church, meeting women in, 123
Classic women to avoid, 343-46

Bitch Goddess, 345

Clean breakups, examples of, 409-12

Cleanliness:
of car, 78-79
of clothes, 65
of home, 81

Clothes, 64-66
cleaning/laundering, 65
and confidence, %
fit, 64-65
repairing, 65-66
wrinkles, 65

Coffee shops, meeting women in, 119-20
Comedian, as type, 350-51
Commitment, 5-6,390-91

types of, 396-99
acquaintance, 396
dated for a month or less, 398
dated for over a month, 398
dated for over three months, 398-99
dated three/four times over past few

weeks, 396-97
occasional sex partner, 397-98
one-night stands, 396
and troubled women, 397

See also Long-term relationships
Competition, 116-17
Condoms, 310,316-17
Confidence, 3, 83-98, 201-2

being "in the zone," 93-95
and clothing, 96
decision making, 95
and fear of hurting women, 88-91

overcoming, 92-93
and grooming, 95-96
having a "piece on the side," 84-85
lack of; 17-18
and posture, 96-97
and pursuit, 97-98
thirty-day program for getting over fear

of rejection, 83-84
validation, getting from life vs. women,

85-88
Cooking classes, meeting women in, 122-23
Cooking utensil section of store, meeting

women in, 125
Courting, secrets of, 183-85
Crabs, 313-14
Craziness in women, 343-46
Criticism, 358
Cuddling, sensual experience of, 194-95

D

Dance classes, meeting women in, 125-26
Dating, as a dance, 13-14
Dating myths, 6-14

dating should be fair, 12-14
"good" vs. "bad" thoughts/desires, 7-8
"nice and interesting" vs. seductive, 6-7
women know what they want, 10-11


Dating uniforms, 60-61
Desperate, as problem man type. 353-54
Details, 187,202

importance of, 73-76
to avoid, 75-76
Dogs/dog-related activities, meeting women
using, 129-30

Ear hair, 67-68
E-mail, maintenance through, 375-76
Enthusiasm test, 279-80
Enticement, in break-up conversation, 407-8
Experimentation, 200-201
Eyebrows, 67-68

Face kiss test, 279
Facial hair, 68-69
Fear:

of hurling women:
and confidence level, 88-91
overcoming, 92-93


of rejection, 31-34

women's biggest, 15-16
Feminist Man, 348
Fighting, 331

how women handle, 337^13
by crying, 337-39
by manipulation, 340-43


by yelling, 340Fire , sensual nature of, 196-97
Fireplace, 196-97, 300-301
First kiss, 4, 273-92

going for, 281 -82
"announce" method, 283
"ask" method, 283
"just do it" method, 282-83
"she kisses you" method, 284
timing, 281-82


if she says no.,., 284-86

mistakes, 286-90
acting like she's doing you a favor, 288
announcing intention to seduce, 286
bad breath, 290
"getting down to business" approach,


287

getting flustered, 288
indecision, 288
offensive behavior/words, 286-87



446 / Index

pushing too hard/loo quickly, 288-89
surprising her, 289
tongue-kissing, 289

passionate kisses, 291-92
pre-work, review of, 276-77
rejection:


arguing about, 285
asking "why not?," 284-85
begging, 285
interpreting, 284
trying again later, 285-86

secret of getting, 274-76
taking farther, 290-91
test checklist, 280-81
testing readiness, 277-80


enthusiasm test, 279-80
face kiss test, 279
hug test, 278-79
pretend kiss test, 280
touching tests, 277-78

Flashbacks, 357-58
Flipped Oul, as type to avoid, 344
Flirting, 3-4,111-12,117,139-76


asking her out:
by phone, 165-66
having no plan for the date, 167-68
indecisive display, 168
seeming loo available, 168-69
waiting too long, 166-67

defined, 139-41
exercises, 172-75
asking "what's the story behind

that?," 173-74
"good-bye" compliment, 173
saying "hi," 172
stopping while it's fun. 172
winking/waving, 172

goal in, 141-42
with humor, 145-52
improving, 169
purpose of, 142-45
steps in, 160-65


asking her out, 164-65
gaining trust, 162-64
meeting her, 160-61


success in, 152-53
to build rapport, 142
to create an imaginary world, 144
to get to know her better, 143-44
to make her feel safe, 142-43,144
to make yourself generative, 145
to practice seduction skiils, 145
trust, gaining, 153-60
See also Trust


Flowers, maintenance through, 376
Food, sensuality of, 189,195
Foreplay, 304-5
Friend ploy, avoiding, 49-50

Geek Boy, as type, 351
Generosity, 197-98
Genital warts, 313
Gifts:


little gifts, 241-49
maintenance through, 376-77
rules for giving, 242

Glasses, 68
Gonorrhea, 314-15
"Good-bye" compliment, 173
Grooming, and confidence, 95-96
Groveling for sex, 25-28
Guilt:


and male things, 406
and women's crying, 438
Gyms, meeting women in, 120-21


H

Hair, 66-67

caring for, 66-67
Hand puppets, meeting women using, 135
Herpes, 314
High-maintenance women, 326-28
HIV, 315
Honesty, 11-12,399-400
Hug test, 278-79
Humor, 145-52

don'ts, 145-47
dos, 147-52


Incense,300
Initiation, importance of, 39-41
Internet:

meeting women on, 127-29
chat rooms, 128-29
personals ads newsgroups, 127-28
World Wide Web, 127

"Just do it" method, for getting first kiss,
282-83

Keeping her, 5
Know-It-All, as type, 349-50

Laundering clothes, 65

Lighting:
sensuality of, 190
soft, 299"


Lips, 69
Little gifts, 241^49
Long-term relationships, 413-34

doing "little things," 416-18
keeping your sex life alive, 424-25
listening to her, 420-21
looking for "something more," 414-15
love without conditions, 415-16
maintaining your sanity, 421 -23

building a life you love, 23
keeping male friendships, 421-22
not sharing everything, 422-23

sacrificing for the relationship, 423-24

stumbling blocks to, 425-32
belittling her, 427
blaming her for your problems, 430


31
fighting, 427-28
lying to her, 428-30
not being forgiving, 431-32
treating her like a guy, 425-26

supporting her fully, 418-20
Love notes, 185-87,374
Low-maintenance women, 324-25

Magic tricks, using to meet women, 133-34
Maintenance, 365-86
Maintenance levels:

high-maintenance women, 326-28
low-maintenance women, 324-25
medium-maintenance women, 325-26

Maintenance spectrum,gauging, 324
Massage, sensual experience of, 193-94
Medium-maintenance women, 325-26
Meeting women, 99-138

being ready to party, 118-19
in bookstores, 121
by borrowing a friend's baby, 135
at business hotel bars, 126-27
by carrying something odd, 134
in church, 123
in coffee shops, 119-20
competition, 116-17
in cooking classes, 122-23
in cooking utensil section of any store,

125
in dance classes, 125-26
excuses keeping you from, 108-11

"I don't know how to seduce

women," 111
"I just can't do it," 110-11
"it'll hurt my reputation, 109-10
"it takes too much time," 108-9

flirting, 111-12,117
following up leads, 117
in gyms, 120-21
on the Internet, 127-29


Index I 447

magic tricks, 133-34
numbers game analogy, 117
at outdoor musical events, 124
at personal growth seminars, 130-32
playing the game, 113-16

being playful, 115
not giving up, 115-16
noting is personal, 114-15
using probabilities, 116

pretending you are the man, 118
prospecting, 112-13
by reading romantic poetry, 135-37
at Renaissance Fairs, 123-24
in restaurants, 120
simplicity of, 18-20
through personals ads, 169-72
using dogs/dog-related activities, 129-30
using hand puppets, 135
by volunteering, 132-33
in yoga classes, 122

Men:
what kind of woman men desire, 56-57
what men desire in women, 55-56

Modeling seducers, 24-25

Music:
sensuality of, 190-91
and sex, 299-300

Mutual break-ups, 401-2

Nerds, 16-18
Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), 182
"No," not getting upset about, 29-30
Nose hair, 67-68
No-show, 224-27
Numbers game, viewing dating as, 34-37

Obesity, 76-77
One-night stands, 396
Outdoor musical events, meeting women at,

124

Paranoid Police-Caller, as type to avoid,

344-45
Patience, 198-99
Personal growth seminars, meeting women

at, 130-32

Personals ads:
emotional availability, describing, 171
feeling, creating, 170
making an invitation, 171-72
meeting women through, 169-72
self-description, 170-71


448 I Index

Personals ads newsgroups, meeting women
through, 127-28
Personal style, 3
defined, 58-59
See also Style
Phlegm, 68
Physical violence/threats, in break-upconversation,
408-9
PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome), 356-57
Pockets, 71
Poetry, 374
Posture, 73,96-97
and confidence, 96-97
Pretend kiss test, 280
Pre-work for break up, 399-401
he honest, 399-400
don't be the perfect boyfriend, 400-401
don't date for more than a month, 399
don't plan future events, 400
get all things out of her apartment, 399
Priming date, 205-36
after the date:
did/didn't checklists, 233-34
study questions, 234
and attitude, 218
elements of; 206-8
ending, 231-32
length of, 206-7
location of, 207-8
passing with flying colors, 235-36
possible problems on, 224-31
no-show, 224-27
repeated no-shows, 227
romantic questions make her uncomfortable,
228-29
she brings fricnd/girlfriend,227-2S
she is boring/weird, 228
she offends you, 230
she wants sympathy—not sex, 231
you are intimidated by her beauty
229-30
you come on too strong, 229
you don't do the little things, 231
preparing for, 208-17
checklist for, 217
socializing, avoidance of, 208
to-do list, 219-24
ask romantic questions, 221
check out her body one time, 220-21
make decisions easily, 221
compliment her, 223-24
have fun,224
keep your body powerful, 222
look into her eyes "loo long," 220
manage romantic conversations 22122
touch her, 219-20
use "seduction" words, 222-23
wink at her, 221
Priming and seduction, 4

Problem men, 347-54
Androgynous Boy, 350
Beaten Down by Life/No Vitality, 34849
Beer-Drinking Jerk, 349
Comedian, 350-51
Desperate, 353-54
Feminist Man, 348
Geek Boy, 351
Know-It-Ali, 349-50
Sensitive New-Age Guy (SNAG), 347
Slave, 352-53
Special Boy, 34748
Therapist, 351
12-Stepper,352
Whiner, 353
Woman's Friend, 348
Problem women, 346-47
Promises to change, in break-up conversation,
409
Prospecting, 41-43,112-13
Pursuit, 28-29
and confidence, 97-98

E

Rejection, 30-34
fear of, 31-34
thirty-day program for getting over,
83-84
first kiss:
arguing about, 285
asking "why not?," 284-85
begging, 285
interpreting, 284
trying again later, 285-86
as stepping stone to sexual success, 32-33
taking personally, 31,35
Renaissance Fairs, meeting women at 12324
Restaurants, meeting women in, 120
Romance, 4
courting, secrets of, 183-85
crash course in, 177-204
details, 187
keys to, 197-202
air of the unexpected and unreal
199-201
appreciation, 199
confidence, 201-2
details, 202
generosity, 197-98
patience, 1.98-99
lighting the fires of, 179-83
love notes, 185-87
sensual experiences, 191-97
bathing, 192
cuddling, 194-95
fire, 196-97
massage, 193-94
sensual food, 195

walking in nature at sunset, 195-96
sensuality, 187-91
calming scents. 188
food, 189
lighting, 190
music, 190-91
talk, 191
talking the talk, 202-4
Romantic space, creating, 299
Rudeness, handling gracefully, 335

Safe sex, 312-17
AIDS, 315
chlamydia, 312-13
condoms, 316-17
crabs, 313-14
genital warts, 313
gonorrhea, 314-15
herpes, 314
HIV, 315
Seducers, modeling, 24-25
Seduction, 3
acting with an outcome in mind, 43-44
friend ploy, avoiding,49-50
groveling for sex vs., 25-28
initiating with women, 39-41
making it look easy, 52-53
making life work for you, 44-48
and "no," 29-30
priming and, 4
prospecting, 4143
pursuit, 28-29
of more than one woman, 37-39
and rejection, 30-34
therapist ploy, avoiding, 4849
viewing dating as numbers game. 34-37
walking away from, 50-52
Seduction date, 237-72
affection, displaying, 261-63
after the date, 385-86
did "/didn't checklists, 270
back-up plan, importance of, 256
compliments, 263-64
components of. 23841
decision making, 265-66
and element of surprise, 24445
ending, 271
focusing on your date, 260-61
getting psyched up for,258
handling possible problems on, 267-69
complimenting her, 269
if you don't care.,., 269
letting it all go, 269
listening to her, 267-68
making promises/apologies, 268-69
repeating back what you heard, 268
thanking her, 268
length of, 238-39

Index I 449

listening to her opinions, 266-67
little gifts, 241-49
location of, 24344, 254-56
making the women feel special, 23941
mastering, 259-67
next:
designing, 377-85
first kiss led to sex, 379-80
you didn't even try, 382-84
you kissed her, 377-78
you kissed her and made out with
her, 378
you tired and were rejected, 380-81
paying for, 245-47
planning,249-53,257
assessing attraction level, 250-51
by using information from priming
date, 253
creating sexual goal, 251-52
expenditures, 252
rime/place, 252
planning for success on, 24849
polite demeanor on, 259-60
punctuality for, 259
romantic questions, generating, 258
schedule for, 24748
socializing, avoidance of, 247
steps to, 253-58
surprise gifts, 256-57
topics to avoid, 265
touching her, 263
treating a woman differently than buddies,
260
upbeat topics, discussing, 264-65
women's phone number, memorizing.
258
Seductive home, 80-82
cleanliness of, 81
famishing/decorating, 80
lighting, 81
romantic potential of, 82
unpacking boxes/setting up, 81-82
Self-expression, 8-10
Sensitive New-Age Guy (SNAG), 347
Sensuality, 187-91
Sensual talk, 301-2
Sex. 4-5.293-318
afterplay, 306
attitude', 297-98
candles, 300
communication, 296-97

• fireplace, 300-301
foreplay, 304-5
groveling for, 25-28
incense, 300
lighting, 299
main event, 305
motions that convey emotion, 302-3
music, 299-300
possible problems, 306-11



450 I Index

abortion issue, 309-10
boyfriend, 307-8
commitment level, 308
condom use. 310
disease/illness, 308-9
her complaints about her body, 310
she cries during sex, 311
she is healing from break-up, 311
speed of relationship, 307
romantic space, creating, 299
safe sex, 312-17
sensual talk, 301-2
technique, 297
topics to avoid in bed, 303
triangle offense, 296-98
when date turns sexual, preparing for,
29S-301
See also Safe sex
"She kisses you'' method, for getting first
kiss, 284
Shoes, 72
Skill development, 20-22
Skin, 70
Slave, as problem man type, 352-53
Smells, 70-71
Snorting, 68
Socks, 72
Soft lighting, 299
Special Boy, 347-48
Street Fighter, as type to avoid, 345-46
Style, 3,55-98
automobile/car, 77-80
body makeover, 66-73
clothing rules. 64-66
commitment of, 60-61
confidence, 83-98
defining. 59-60
details, 73-76
as example of change, 62-63
helpers with:
male friends, 64
stylish men, 63
women, 63-64
obesity, 76-77
personal style, defined, 58-59
and the seductive home, 80-82
what you say with how you dress, 61-62
See also Body makeover; Confidence
Surprises, 200

Talk, sensuality of, 191
Tantrums, 25-28
Technique, complimenting, 302
Teeth,69
Testing readiness, 277-80
enthusiasm test, 279-80

face kiss test, 279
hug test, 278-79
pretend kiss test, 280
touching tests, 277-78
Therapist, as problem man type, 351
Therapist ploy, avoiding, 48-49
Thirty-day program for getting over fear
of@sub: rejection, 83-84
Touching tests, 277-78
Trust:
building:
by avoiding unnecessary conflicts,
157-58
by being patient with her, 157
by leaving her happy, 160
by not being desperate, 155-56
by showing her you're not weird,
158-60
by showing respect, 154-55
gaming, 153-60
12-Stepper, as problem man type, 352

Validation, getting from life vs. women, 8588
Violence, 358-59
Volunteering, meeting women by, 132-33

w

Walking in nature at sunset, sensual experience
of, 195-96
Waving, and flirting, 172
"What's the story behind that?," asking,
173-74
Whiner, as problem man type, 353
Whining, 25-28
Winking, and flirting, 172
Woman's Friend, as type, 348
Women:
biggest fear of, 15-16
fear of hurting, and confidence level, 8891
final say belonging to, 28-29
high-maintenance women, 326-28
low-maintenance women, 324-25
medium-maintenance women, 325-26
problem women, 346-47
Women to avoid, See also Bad dates/women
to avoid
Wrinkles, in clothes, 65

Yoga classes, meeting women in, 122

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How to succeed with women / David Copeland, Ron Louis.

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Introduction


We were no different than you might be. Our relationships with
women were dependent upon two things: luck and the whim of
women who happened to be attracted to us. When either of us had
sex, it was because we quite literally "got lucky," and a woman decided
to have us. We had little choice or power over when we had sex
and relationships and what women we had those interactions with.
Sex and relationships, it seemed, were a crap-shoot. Perhaps we'd
meet someone, perhaps we wouldn't. Needless to say, we got tired of
it.

Finally, we decided that we would do whatever it took to find
out what worked with women. We wanted to know how to seduce
women and more—we wanted to know how to develop relationships
with women that would be fulfilling for both us and them.

That was five years ago. We set out dating as much as we could
and comparing notes after each and every interaction with women.
Looking back, many of our interactions with women seemed
unskilled or even laughable to us now, but we stuck with it through
the failures, frustrations, and successes. We found that as we kept at
it and kept working together, we began to see the underlying structures
of successful dating interactions. We found that we could start
to predict how interactions would go and how certain women would


IV / Introduction

respond to us. We began to take our interactions with women less
seriously and to have more fun. We started to see how most of our
problems with women had been generated by our own behavior. We
began to develop the set of principles that has evolved into this book.

Now we know that we can have as many women as we desire
simply by using the technology outlined in this book. For instance,
we understand the messages we send to women through our personal
styles (Chapter Three) and how to make those messages as
seductive as possible, we know how to get women to naturally think

of us as possible romantic material when they first meet us, rather
than relegating us to the role of "friends" (Chapter Two). We know
how to flirt successfully and how to use that flirting to get the first
date (Chapter Five). We know how to take a coffee date (Chapter
Seven) and make it into a full blown seduction (Chapter Eight). We
know how to go for the first kiss—and more (Chapter Nine). We
know how to handle problems when they arise (Chapter Eleven),
how to develop a relationship (Chapters Twelve and Fourteen), and
how to cut one off effectively (Chapter Thirteen). Our lives with
women are much easier and more successful than they ever were

before, simply from using these techniques.
Over the course of writing this book, we often found ourselves
saying to each other, "If only I'd had this book ten years ago I'd have
made so many fewer mistakes!" This book contains a program that
can change your life with women, forever. To get the most out of
you may want to take on the following practices;
Be coachable. It won't do you a bit of good to read this book if
you go through the entire thing rejecting everything we say before
you have even tried it out. Of course, you will inevitably disagree
with some of the things that we tell you to do or when we explain
what has worked for us or our students. But, don't worry about it.
Think of us as your personal dating coaches. Part of a coach's
job is to push you into trying something new. Imagine a professionalbasketball
player who argues with his coach every time the coach
tried to teach him a new move or critiques his performance. The
player would fight a lot and get nowhere. As a man being coached,
you have to be willing to set aside what you know to be true and to
try out something different once in a while. So, if you want to get the
most out of this book, don't run mental arguments with us as you

Introduction / V

read it. Pretend what we are saying is true and try it out, at least for

a while, and see how something new works for you. After all, if you

already know everything about success with women and have exact


ly the sex life you want, why are you reading this book?

Have a "study partner." Do you know why, on the average,
Asian students get better grades than non-Asian students?
According to the experts who study this kind of thing, it is not
because they are inherently smarter. It is because they are much
more likely to study together than alone. Students who study with
other students master the material faster, have more fun, and get
better grades than students who study alone. You would do well to
take advantage of this principle.

If you know another man who you can study seduction with,
then by all means study with him. You can discuss the chapters and
the ideas together and egg each other on to try out the techniques
that we will teach you. A study partner can be someone to get
pumped up with before an interaction with a woman and someone
to debrief with after. He will be able to give you feedback and
coaching on e-mail you send to women, love letters you write, and
how to handle the variety of experiences you will have with women
once you start using your program. He will be able to celebrate your
successes with you and help you quickly get over your disappoint


ments.

It worked for us. We developed the material in this book by
working together. We were able to master the various distinctions
faster through our conversations, and we were able to learn from

each other's experiences.

The only trick of this is to find the right guy to work with. He
needs to be someone you can kick back and have a good time with,
who won't be offended by the idea of studying ways to romance
women. He should not be a blabbermouth. If he tells everyone that
you are studying seduction, he is likely to put off women you might
want to seduce. You do not need to be overly secretive, but no useful
purpose is served by telling everyone. You will find that having
someone to work with you while studying this material, although not
essential, will help you quite a bit.

Write in this book! We know that you were probably taught to
never write in a book. To this we way fiddlesticks! Feel free to cus



vi I Introduction

tomize this book to make it work best for you. Underline things you
think are important and take notes in the margins of ideas or questions
you might have. This will help your retention of the material
substantially and make it easier to find parts that you may want to

refer back to later.

We have learned that good intentions and being a good guy are
not enough. These qualities are important, but, by themselves, they

almost never generate romance with a woman. If you are gong
to have success with women, you must be able to create romantic
structures. You must be able to intentionally create interactions, conversations,
events, dates, and moments that, by their very nature,
make women feel romantic feelings and think romantic thoughts
about von. Sometimes these structures just happen, but, with a little

know-how, you can insure that they happen consistently and with
the women you desire. You must know how to construct them.
Fundamentally teaching you to do just that is what this book is

Remember, dating is a game. It is an important game, but it is
a game. All games are frustrating when you are first learning the
rules, and dating is no different. But, like other games, dating
becomes fun as you master it. Stick with it through the first few tries
and the possible confusion. Keep at it, and it will become fun.

Much of the material in this book comes from questions we
have received from our students. We have been conducting individual
coaching sessions and courses for the past few years. If you find
the material in this book useful, you, too, can participate directly
with us, the masters of seduction. To get in touch with us, e-mail us

atsucceed@pobox.com.

Contents


Introduction 111

chapter one ... 1
So You Want Success with Women

What This Book Will Teach You 3
The Seven Dating Myths 6


chapter two... 15
The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Seducers

Understanding Women's Biggest Fear 15
You Can Be a Nerd and Still Score 16
It's Not Rocket Science 18
You've Got What It Takes 20
"It's an Attitude" 22



i I

Contents

We Learned the Hard Way 23
Modeling Successful Seducers 24
The Habits of a Highly Successful Seducer 25

chapter three...


55

Elements of Style:


mm

Dress and Confidence


Why Have Personal Style? 58
Defining Your Style 59

The Commitments of Style 60
What You Say With How You Dress 61
Women Do It! 62

The Three Helpers That Make You Look Better 63
The Four Rules of Clothing 64
The 13-Point Body Makeover for Being Attractiveto Women 66
Details— The key to Women's Hearts (And Pants) 73
What If You Are Fat and Out of Shape, or Ugly? 76
Three Ways to Make Your Car into a Rolling Seduction

Chamber 77
The Five Secrets of A Seductive Home 80
How to Become Confident With Women 83
Overcoming the Two Stumbling Blocks on the Road

to Confidence 83
Overcoming Fear of Hurting Women 92
Other Confidence Builders: Easy Ways to Raise Your

Confidence Level 93
Be in "The Zone" 93
Make Decisions 95

Four Things You Can Do Today to Be Confident

with Women 95

Contents /
chapter four... 99
Where the Girls Are;
Meeting Women for Sex
and Relationships
The Four Excuses That Keep You From
Meeting Women 108
Lessons from the Master 111
The Four Easiest Places to Meet Women 119
The Nine Secret Places to Meet Women 121
Babe Bait: Gimmicks That Make Women Want
to Meet You 129

chapter five... 139
Flirting Without Disaster

So You've Found the Women to Talk to:
Now How Do You Do It? 139
What is Flirting? 139
Your Goal in Flirting 141
What Flirting Does 142
Flirting with Humor 145
Flirting Your Way to the Date 152
Getting Her Trust 153
The Essential Qualities You Must Demonstrate for a Woman
to Trust You and Feel Safe 154
The Three Steps of a Flirting Interaction 160
Using the Phone to Ask Her Out 165
What If You Screw It Up? 166
Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Flirting,
No Matter How Timid You Are 169
Meeting Women Through Personal Ads in Newspapers
and Magazines 169
Other Basic Flirting Exercises: Your Daily Routine 172


X / Contents

Contents I XI

chapter six...


177


A Crash course in Romance/
How to Sweep Her Off Her Feet
and into Your Bed


Lighting the Fires of Romance 179
Secrets of Courting 183


How to Write A Love Note That Makes Her Melt 185
Details, Details, Details 187

Sensuality—Awakening Hers and Yours 187
The Top Six Sensual Experiences for Women 191
The Six Keys to Romance 197
Talk the Talk 202

chapter seven...

205


The Priming Date

The Three Elements of a Priming Date 206
Before the Priming Date 208


Use Your Body to Convey That You Have Vitality
and Generativity 218
On the Date 218
Your Priming Date To-Do List 219
10 Possible Problems on the Priming Date 224
Ending The Date and Dangling the Bait 231
After the Date "Did" Checklist 233
After the Date "Didn't" Checklist 233
After the Priming Date Study Questions 234
Passing the Priming Date with Flying Colors 235


chapter eight...


237


The Seduction Date


The 8 Components of a Triumphant Seduction Date 238
From Trash to Treasure 241


The Five Rules for Gift Giving 242
Before the Seduction Date 249
The Seven Steps to a Knock-Out Seduction Date 253
Mastering the Seduction Date 259
From Raging Bull to Purring Kitten in Nine Easy Steps 267
After-the-Date "Did" Checklist 270
After-the-Date "Didn't" Checklist 271
How to End the Seduction Date 271

chapter nine... 273
Closing the Deal:
The First Kiss and More


The Secret of Getting the First Kiss 274
Review of the Pre-Work 276
Testing Her Readiness 277
Going For the First Kiss 281
How to Go for the First Kiss 282
If She Says No 284
The 10 Crucial Mistakes That Blow the First Kiss 286
Taking the Kiss Farther 290
Passionate Kisses! 291

chapter ten... 293
Being the Mart of Her Dreams
In Bed

The Triangle Offense: The Three Keys to Improving
Any Man's Sex Life 296


Preparing for the Moment When It Turns Sexual 298
Setting the Mood With Sensual Talk 301
The Motions That Convey Emotion (Which She Wants) 302

Topics to Avoid in Bed 303
The Art of Foreplay 304
The Mam Event 305



xii / Contents

Enjoying Afterplay 306
Possible Problems and How to Solve Them 306

Staying Alive: Safe Sex in the '90s 312
AIDS & HIV 315
Condoms: Every Man's Necessary Weapon 316

chapter eleven...

319


When Babes Attack:
Handling Problems Women Cause


Bad Dates from Hell 319
So How Do You Handle Problems? 323


Gauging the Maintenance Spectrum 324
Low Maintenance Women 324
Medium Maintenance Women 325
Too Hot to Handle (High Maintenance) 326
The Eight Secrets of Handling the Problems


Women Cause 328
The Three Ways Women Fight and How


to Handle Them 337
The Four Classic Women to Avoid 343
The Twenty-Three Problem Women 346
The Sixteen Problems Caused by Your Tendencies 347
How to Handle the Top Problems Women Cause 354

chapter twelve...


365


After the Date—Keeping
Up the Pursuit


Make It A Success in Your Own Mind 366
Decide Where You Want the Interaction to Go


367

Maintain Your Investment 368
The Art of Maintenance 370


Contents I

The Four Maintenance Keys That Keep Her Warmed Up
and Waiting for More 374
Design the Next Seduction Date 377
After the Seduction Date 385

chapter thirteen.. . 387
Breaking Up Is Easy to Do


To Commit or Not to Commit: That Is the Question 390
So You Think You Want to Be a Stud... 391
Why Break Up 395
The Eight Degrees of Commitment 396
The Three Types of Breakups 401
The Eight Warning Signs that It's Time to End It 402
Things to Watch Out for During

the Break-up Conversation 407
Examples of Clean Breakups 409


chapter fourteen... 413
Prom Casual to Committed


"Something More" 414
Love Her for Who She Is and For Who She Is Not 415
The Six Keys to Keeping a Long-term Relationship Happy,

Exciting and Hot 416
The Six Stumbling Blocks to Happy, Healthy
and Hot Long-term Relationships 425
Daniel's Newfound Success 432


chapter fifteen... 435
Conclusion


Index 444



chapter one...
So You Want
Success with
Women

Greg came to us with a problem. "I can't seem to get women to
like me," he told us. "I mean, they like me as a friend, but when I try
to make things more romantic, it never works out. I haven't had sex
in over a year. What should I do?"

We hear stories like Greg's all the time. All sorts of men come
to us with their dating problems. Some are young, some are middleaged,
some are older. Some are salesmen, some are computer programmers,
some are executives. We've worked with college professors,
as well as men who are their students. We've worked with men
who've never been married, and men who are divorced. We've
worked with rich men and poor men, attractive men and ugly men.
We've worked with men from as many different walks of life and
socio-economic strata as you can imagine.

All of them have come to us with the same problem: they can't
seem to get women to have sex and relationships with them. They
desperately wish they could be successful with women, but they
aren't, and it seems like the harder they try, the worse things get.
Greg says "I've all but given up dating because I'm so tired of the
pain and humiliation." His feelings are common among these men.


2 / Chapter One

These are good men. They are sincere and honest and would
make good lovers, boyfriends, and husbands. But they can't seem to
get women to even give them the time of day. They all find themselves
living in hope—hoping that someday they will meet a woman
who them, hoping that someday they will magically figure out
how to attract women, hoping that someday they will, through some

mysterious process, turn into super-studs.
Obviously, living in hope doesn't work, especially about something
important like relationships with women. It's like hoping that
your apartment will get clean, but not cleaning it. It's like hoping
that you will have enough money for your retirement, but not saving
for it. You have to take the proper actions consistent with your
commitments, not just live in hope.
Very occasionally you may meet a woman with whom everything
goes right, no matter what you do, but such occasions are rare.
Romance rarely "just happens." Hope alone will not give you the
relationships you want with women. Leaving it to chance will very
likely cause you to end up alone. You've got to take continuous

action.

But what to do? What can a man do that will make him so
attractive to the women he's interested in that they'll not only like
him, but that they'll want to take their clothes off and rub their
bodies against him? Answering that question is the subject of this

book.

We won't lie to you, or hold out some ridiculous claim that simply
reading this book will instantly make you into a super-stud who
can go from meeting a woman to getting her into bed in 10 minutes
or less. That's snake-oil salesmanship, and not part of our program,


Effectively seducing women is work. The reason this book will
change your life is that it will show you, for the first time in your life,


exactly what the work is. It's up to you to follow through and to
implement the "science" we'll teach you (though we'll show you
exactly how to do that, too). If you are willing to do the work, the
tools we'll teach you in this book will work for you, just as they have
worked for us and the many men we've taught. The principles are
simple and extremely useful. The steps are easy to learn and easy to
remember. With practice you will master them, and will be more

successful with women than you ever imagined.

So You Want Success with Women ( 3

WHAT THIS BOOK WILL TEACH YOU

This book will teach you, step by step, how to find women, meet
them, seduce them, and build relationships with them. We'll cover
every aspect of seduction, so at each step you'll know where you are,
where you've been, and what there is for you to do next.

This book will give you the ability to pursue and date as many
women as you want, and to pick and choose from among them the
one that works for you long-term.

We'll teach you:

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers

There are a number of habits that all master seducers follow.
We'll show you what successful seducers do every single day that
makes them consistently successful with women. We'll also show
you how to stop making the most common seduction mistakes,
which you probably are making continuously. When you take on the
habits of successful seducers and stop making these few common
errors, you'll be more effective with women instantly.

The Elements of Style

Your deepest communication to women is carried out by your
personal style and your level of confidence. What you "say" to a
woman through these two key areas can easily make the difference
between a successful and a failed seduction. We'll show you how to
develop a personal style, both through how you dress and how you
behave, that is a genuine expression of who you are and that women
will find absolutely compelling.

Flirting Without Disaster

You use flirting to go from seeing a hot woman to making her
your date. You build the basic structure of your relationship through
the quality of your flirting. Will you be a woman's lover, or will you
be her friend? Much of that will be decided by how you flirt. If you
don't know how to flirt well, you will screw up your future with a
woman and not even know you did it. We'll show you how to flirt


Chapter One

your way to the date, effectively overcoming her natural fear of you,
and building a bond of fun and excitement between you. We'll then
show you how to effortlessly turn that connection into an accepted

invitation for a date.

A Crash Course in Romance

Many "practical minded" men don't know how to be romantic
in a way that will really make a woman feel special. Furthermore,
romance seems passe; in this age of equality, a man shouldn't have
to romance a woman, should he? Well, yes, he does. You have to be
romantic because it can be a fun way to make a woman see you as
special and exceptionally attractive. We'll show you how to do it.

The Priming and Seduction Dates

We'll teach you about the two kinds of dates, priming and
seduction. We'll show you how each is a different, yet critical, part of
effectively seducing a woman. You'll learn how to find what she
desires in a man, and how to fulfill those desires by bringing those
parts of you alive. You'll learn how to reliably make romantic conversation,
and how to construct romantic experiences that will turn
her on, connect her to you, and that she'll remember for the rest of

her life.

Closing the Deal: Going for the First Kiss and More

Done properly, the first kiss is easy. Done improperly—which
is the way most men do it—the first kiss seems more like pulling
teeth. We'll show you exactly how to create an experience in which


the woman is thinking about the kiss, and desires it. We'll teach you
the specifics of how to go for that first kiss, and how to take it much,
much farther immediately.


How to be the Man of her Dreams in Bed

The master seducer understands that he must always be
improving his ability to enjoy sex and to please a woman. We'll show
you how to improve three key areas—your communication, your

So You Want Success with Women I 5

attitude, and your technique. We'll show you how to create that
moment when the date turns sexual, how to excel at foreplay and
afterplay, and what to say and not to say during sex.

When babes attack: handling problems women cause

Sadly, not all of your interactions with women will be easy. In
our experience, and in the experience of our students, the same basic
problems tend to show up again and again. We'll teach you the nine
secrets of handling the problems women cause, and walk you
through, step by step, handling the most common dating difficulties.
Because women are only half the problem (if that), we'll also show
you how to handle the problems you cause in dating situations,

Keeping her

After you've seduced a woman, you have to maintain your connection
with her if you want to be able to have sex with her again.
We'll show you the ABC's of maintaining romantic relationships,
and the specific steps you must take to keep her warmed up, happy,
and waiting for you.

Breaking up with her

All short-term relationships come to an end, sooner or later.
We'll show you how to figure out when it's time to end it, and how
to break up in the most merciful way possible so you end up friends.
We'll also show you how to determine if she might be a good candidate
for a long-term relationship.

Going from casual to committed

Most men like to "play the field" for a while, then move on to
a long-term relationship. We'll teach you the most important "do's
and don'ts" for creating a relationship that stays passionate, fun, and
loving for the long-term.

Along with all this, we will ask you to be responsible for your
life. We will constantly show you how many of the problems you
blame on women or on "life" are actually caused by your behavior.


Chapter One

Not to worry, though, we'll also show you how to change your
behavior to make you more responsible for your life, and to get
more of what you really want. As you learn and use this material you

naturally become less whiny. You will become more of a man
who is able to go for what he wants, both with women and in other
aspects of his life.

At its core, this book is about generativity—your ability to be
creative, inventive, results-producing and fun. As you take on the
practices we will teach you in this book, you will naturally become
more so in your life. This is important because it is this characteristic—
your ability to create a life that turns you on - that will ultimately
attract women to you. All the exercises, steps, and processes
we'll show you are simply means to the end of turning you into an
exciting, generative man. You'll find enhancing this trait will make

your entire life better, not just your relationships with women.

THE SEVEN DATING MYTHS

You are ready to do the work to get women into your bed; now
all you need is for us to tell you what the work is. But before we tell
you the secrets to creating an abundant sex life, we must explore and
dispel the seven dating myths. You've probably bought in to most or
all of them; the first thing to do now is to clear them away.

Myth 1. If you are nice enough and interesting enough,
you will get a woman

It's great to be nice and interesting, but it is not enough; it's not
the same as being seductive. Most men don't understand this. Your
average man thinks that if he likes a woman, and she says that he is
"sweet," "interesting," or "a wonderful friend," that he's moving the
relationship toward eventual romance. He isn't, because, as we've
said, being nice and interesting is not the same as being seductive.

If you don't believe us, then just look around at all the jerky
men who have plenty of women to have sex with. Women certainly
aren't panting around these men because they are so nice and so
interesting. They are panting around them because they are exciting
and romantic and fun. When you learn how to be exciting, romantic

So You Want Success with Women I 7

and fun, you too will be surrounded by willing, interested women.
You won't have to give up being nice and interesting in order to do
this; just remember that being nice and interesting isn't what turns
women on.

Myth 2. You are a nice guy, who only has nice

thoughts and desires

Men who believe that they are really nice guys, who only have
nice thoughts and nice desires, often break women's hearts the most
cruelly. Men who know that they aren't always sweet, and who know
that they don't always have kind thoughts and desires, are often
much more humane.

How can this be? After all, men who are committed to always
being nice in every way should actually be nicer, shouldn't they?
Sadly, it doesn't work out that way.

Look at it this way: Over the course of any relationship, you
have the opportunity to feel a wide variety of feelings and behave in
a wide variety of ways. Statistically speaking, you can't always be at
your best. Sometimes you'll be at your best, most of the time you'll
be at your average, and some of the time you'll be at your worst.

When you are at your worst, sometimes you'll have feelings
and desires that aren't very nice. Actually they will probably be
downright unkind. You'll want to retaliate against something the
other person said, or you'll feel angry about how the other person's
behaving. If you believe that you are a nice person who only has nice
thoughts and desires, you'll be less able to be responsible for your
behavior. Youll do things that most definitely are not nice, but you
won't even notice you did them. After all, you'll tell yourself, no way
could you be mean: you're a "nice man." You will ruthlessly refuse
to admit that you are ever unkind.Women tell us repeatedly that it's
the "nice men" they have to watch out for. They tell us that "nice"
guys are more likely to express their anger indirectly, and to hurt
them emotionally, all the while acting innocent and claiming to be
victims themselves.

Men who know they are not always "nice guys," and who know
that they don't always have nice thoughts and desires, are much
more able to be responsible for themselves. They can acknowledge


8 I Chapter One

when they are angry, or when they want to retaliate, and can handle

it appropriately. They are much more straightforward and forthright

than "nice" men are. Women trust them more and like them more.

In the long run, they are much less hurtful to everyone around them.

Some "nice" men pride themselves on being especially sensi


tive to women's feelings and women's needs. Women often tell them

they are "special" or "not like other men." They often consider

themselves ardent feminists, and are ever-vigilant for anything that

might hurt a woman in any way. They are naturally suspicious of

other men, and determined to not be like them. We call this kind of

man a "Snag," or "Sensitive New-Age Guy." Don't get us wrong—if

you are one of these men, we aren't against you personally. In fact,

we relate to you quite well—both of the authors used to have some

Snag characteristics, as well.

Here's what we've learned about it, though: You don't have to
give up being a good, honest, sensitive man who loves women in
order to get sex. A woman has sex with a man because that man is
able to fulfill her needs. He may fulfill her need for excitement, he
may fulfill her need for romance, or he may fulfill her need for
something else. If you are a "nice" and "sensitive" man, yet not getting
any sex, you may not be as nice and sensitive as you think. You
may be ignoring women's needs, and not fulfilling them. That may
well be the reason you're sleeping alone. If you read this book and
use the technology we present in it, you will be able to fulfill women's
needs even better, and get more sex than ever before,

Myth 3. Just "be yourself"and women will desire you

People who don't understand our method sometimes think
that we are teaching men how to be manipulative, "It's wrong to
study seduction, "they whine to us. "Why can't you just be yourself?"

It's a mistake to think that using the technology in this book is
a substitute for being yourself. It isn't. We are not suggesting that at
all. It's actually harder to get women into bed if you are trying to be
someone else. They notice, of course, that you are acting strangely.
Even if you do succeed in getting a woman into bed by hiding your
true self, you won't enjoy it as much as you thought you would.
You'll know that you, yourself, weren't good enough for her, and

So You. Want Success with Women / 9

that you had to pretend to be someone else. The whole experience
will hurt your self-esteem and your self-respect.

We are, however, suggesting that some parts of you are more
appropriate in some situations than in others. This isn't such a
strange idea. After all, you probably don't swear or burp loudly in
church, even if you feel like doing so. You don't put your feet up on
the tablecloth at a fancy dinner party, even if you want to. And you
don't come on to a woman giving you a job interview, even if it
would be an expression of who you truly are at that moment. None
of these actions would be appropriate to getting the outcome you
desire.

But isn't that being manipulative? After all, if you find the
woman at the job interview attractive but you want the job, aren't
you manipulating her by not "being yourself" and asking her out?
Aren't you just "putting on airs" to try to get a job? And at church,
shouldn't people like you without you having to go through all the
contortions of dressing a certain way, and repressing certain kinds of
behavior? Aren't you just manipulating the people there into
accepting you? Shouldn't you just be able to "be yourself"?

Isn't your self-expression being limited at the dinner party by
not putting your feet up on the tablecloth if you want to? Shouldn't
you be able to "be yourself," and be liked for that? Why should you
have to manipulate everybody into liking you with all these special
behaviors that might not come naturally to you? Shouldn't you be
able to just "be yourself"?

Of course this makes no sense. "Being yourself" doesn't mean
that you are utterly impulsive and driven by whatever behavior is
most convenient for you in the moment. In different situations, you
naturally bring out different parts of yourself. In church you follow
a certain "code of conduct," but that shouldn't repress you. It's simply
an opportunity to bring out the more formal, religious part of
yourself. At the dinner party, you bring out the more cultured,
sophisticated part of yourself. At the job interview, you bring out the
professional part of yourself. You're not "repressed" because you
don't ask her out. You are simply expressing a different part of yourself
at that moment.

Our belief is this: It's critical that you bring out different parts
of yourself in seduction situations than at other times in your life.


10 / Chapter One

Furthermore, we believe that you probably don't know much about
those parts of yourself, and that you will need guidance to bring
romantic, seductive behaviors to the forefront.

That's what this book is about. Just as you were probably
taught how to behave at a formal dinner, before you act without
external guidance, you must learn how to behave when dating.
When you do, you'll be able to bring out and explore romantic,
seductive, powerful and interesting parts of yourself that you may
not have spent much time with before. After all, women do this too.
When they put on make-up and their push-up bras, you could say
they are being manipulative. Or you could say that they are bringing
out the seductive, sensual side of themselves. That's what we believe,

and you must learn how to do it, too. You'll grow and have fun, and
women will be captivated by you, all because you were willing to go
beyond your normal knee-jerk behavior, and to try something new.

Myth 4. Women know what they want,
and they will tell you


Have you ever noticed that women will talk about the kind of
man that they want, and end up with someone completely different?
It happens all of the time. What women say they want, and what they
actually respond to, are often totally different.

This is actually a very human trait: there are probably things
you say you want in your life that you only think you want. Women
are no different.

The bottom line is that women love men who are generative
and creative. If they have to tell you how to get them, what to be
like, and how to behave every step of the way, they aren't going to
be turned on by you. It's your independent nature that gets them
going, not your dependency on being told how to act.

Ironically, some of the traits in men that women complain
about the most have in them the seeds of the traits women find most
attractive. In the film The Full Monty, a bunch of out-of-work male
steelworkers decide that they will make their money by putting on
a strip-show for the local women. The plan has "trouble" written all
over it—none of these guys is particularly great-looking. It also
speaks to a basically male trait that women find both aggravating

So You Want Success with Women / 11

and attractive: men are trouble-makers. They take on silly projects,

push them to their limits, and even sometimes make them work. This

trouble-making quality is the flip-side of the generative creativity

that women desire so much in men. If you count on women to tell

you what they want, and how to behave in order to get them, you

short-circuit this creative, trouble-making nature that women love

so much.

Women can't tell you what they want in a man—they can only

tell you what they think they want in a man. There's a big difference.

They also aren't attracted to men who approach as supplicants, beg


ging for the easy keys to melt a woman's heart. Don't fall into the

trap.

Myth 5. Be a woman's therapist, and you'll get sex

We'll talk about this more in the next chapter when we discuss
the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers. For now we will simply
point out that being a woman's therapist is one of the worst ways
imaginable to get sex. Many men think it will work, but it almost
never does.

Myth 6. Being "honest" means telling her the worst
things about yourself


Many men seem to think that the best way to be honest with
women is to tell them the worst things about themselves, the sooner
the better. "Full disclosure!" seems to be these men's motto. We
think this is foolishness.

It's good to be honest. There's only one time that we ever suggest
that you not tell a woman the truth. (You'll learn about that in
Chapter 7.) The rest of the time, we believe that dealing with the
consequences of the truth will almost always be easier than dealing
with the eventual consequences of lying.

However, this doesn't mean that you should tell a woman every
thought or desire you ever have. That simply isn't useful. A man who
believes this myth will often tell a woman his problems right away,
or will talk to her about his abusive childhood. He believes that by
sharing the worst parts of himself he is being emotionally vulnera



12 / Chapter One

ble, and that vulnerability will make the woman he is interested in
desire him.
Nothing could be further from the truth. A man who "spills the
beans" about his problems and his defects right away may bond
emotionally with a woman, but she won't desire him. She'll think of
him as a friend, but she may also think of him as a nut case. As you'll
learn in this book, many men think that if they get any positive emotional
reaction at all from a woman, they must be on the way to a
romantic encounter. This simply isn't true. While you shouldn't lie
about your flaws, you shouldn't share everything right away, either.

Myth 7. Dating should be fair

This one myth gets men in more trouble than almost any of the
others. If you are a man who whines about how dating isn't fair, and
how you have to do all the pursuing of women, you must stop that

right now.

We hear it all the time: "Why can't a woman ask me out for
once?" "If women really believed in equality, they'd kiss me first!"
"I'm tired of doing all the pursuing with women, it's their turn now."
Blah blah blah. If it makes you feel better, you are right: It is unfair
that you have to do all the pursuing, and that you have to take all
the emotional risks by making all the "first moves."

We've known men who confront women about their not pursuing
men. One man named Cameron made it a habit of confronting
women who didn't do "their fair share" of the pursuing. He'd tell
them in no uncertain terms that, if they wanted to date him, they'd
have to do at least half of the initiating, the pursuit, and the emotional
risk-taking. "It's the age of equality," he'd explain to them.
"You get equal rights, so now take equal responsibilities! "Cameron

didn't have many second dates.
Other men we know just complain about it. They whine to their
friends about how women just aren't willing to do the work to make
a relationship happen. They complain about how, every time a real
risk has to be taken, it's "the man's move." They say they are waiting
for a woman to pursue them.
Our advice is to get over it. If you don't have the sex life you
want, it's your responsibility to get it. It is not women's responsibil-

So You Want Success with Women / 13

ity to take care of you, and to make sure you have what you want in
relationships. Expecting them to do so is just immature.

You can also look at it this way: if dating is naturally unfair, and
if you have to do all of the initiating, that just means that you get to
make it work the way you want it! You can pursue women when you
want to, and not pursue them when you don't. You can set up dates
for times that work for you, and go for that first kiss when you feel
like it. Having to do all the initiating puts you in the driver's seat.
Use it as an opportunity to make your relationships the way you
want them to be and stop complaining about it.

If you've believed any of these myths in the past, we suggest
you stop believing them now. To recap: First, being nice and interesting
is great, but it won't get you sex. It will get you women who
think you are nice and interesting, which is not at all the same as getting
women who think you are arousing. Second, you aren't a nice
guy who only has nice thoughts and desires. You'll be much better
able to be responsible for your behavior if you admit that sometimes
you are nice, and sometimes you are not. Women will also find you
more attractive, because you'll be more trustworthy. Third, just
"being yourself—meaning impulsively doing whatever you feel
like in the moment—won't get you women. You need help bringing
out the more seductive parts of yourself, and the first few times you
bring those parts out, they won't feel natural at all. Fourth, even if
women did know what they wanted, they wouldn't be attracted to a
guy who they had to spell it out for. Women are attracted to men
who are generative and creative, not men who come groveling to
them, asking how they should behave. Fifth, being a woman's therapist
won't get you sex. It simply doesn't work. Sixth, being "honest"
does not mean telling her the worst things about yourself right away.
"Full disclosure" of everything that might make her dislike you is
not necessary. And seventh, dating isn't fair. Men who complain
about that fact need to grow up. Men who accept that fact can have
as many women as they like.

It's as if dating is a dance. In the past, everybody knew their
steps, and could dance together. A man knew that, if he was interested
in a woman, he could do certain things to show that interest,
and a woman knew the proper responses to show interest or lack of
it. In the modern world, those dance-steps have been largely lost,


14 / Chapter One

and we have been left on our own to figure them out. Oftentimes,
rather than dancing together it feels more like we are crashing into
each other, and stepping constantly onto each other's toes.

This book is about changing all of that. By helping you understand
the dance women are doing, and showing you how to dance
with them, this book will teach you how to put music, rhythm, and
grace into your interactions. They will be attracted to you, because
you seem to "just know" how to be romantic with them. With this
skill in hand, you will be able to have as much success with women
as you desire.

chapter two...

The Seven Habits
of Highly
Effective
Seducers


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN'S BIGGEST FEAR

We've been lucky enough to date and befriend many extremely
hot and sexy women. Since learning the "tricks of the trade" we've
been with women we would have only dreamed of earlier in our
lives. We've been with hot blondes, brunettes, women of every
description, all from using the material in this book.

On of the authors has a good friend and former lover named
Dawn. She is 24 years old, long blonde hair, big blue eyes, tall, great
legs, a huge chest, and loves to wear seductive clothes. She also loves
sex, hot sex for hours. In short, Dawn embodies many men's fantasies.


Before dating one of the authors she used to go out and flirt
with guys at bars. She told us about entering a bar and seeing how
the men would stop talking and stare at her, drooling like dogs. She
said she enjoyed the attention, but she rarely gave out her phone
number to or dated any of the men who came onto her in bars. Why?
Because she was afraid. She would be attracted to a man and then
get afraid of being physically abused or raped by him. After all, she
didn't know him; she just met him at the bar. So she'd stay distant,
unattainable by the many men who desired her.


Chapter Two

Fear of being abused, hurt or raped by men is the biggest concern
women have in dating. Dawn and most other women smartly
scope out men to make sure they won't be physically hurt by the
men they date. They want to be sure they can trust the men they are
attracted to before getting physically vulnerable with them.

If you want to have success with women, you must be aware of
this most basic female concern. You must deal with the fact that
women you meet will be testing you to see if you are "safe," or
potentially violent.

We think this concern makes total sense. If we were women we
would have the same concerns, and so would you. Put yourself in a
woman's position: if you became aware of stories of rape, spousal
abuse, torture and murder of women every day in newspapers and
on TV, you'd be paranoid, too. Women need to be a bit paranoid
because so many men are psycho. It simply isn't worth the risk for a
woman to go home with a man who could hurt her. What this means
for you is that you must do the things to create trust with a woman,
and be sure to move at her pace when pursuing sex and relationships.


YOU CAN BE A NERD AND STILL SCORE

In writing, speaking about and researching dating dynamics, we
talked to men from every age group and occupation. We've counseled
middle-aged lawyers from farm towns in Wisconsin, and young
up-and-coming musicians in New York. We've counseled computer
geeks in Washington and writers in San Francisco. In the process,
we've observed many of the hidden sexual dynamics between men
and women.

The men we talk to often have a laundry list of problems, concerns,
and complaints, about their relationships with women, both
past and current. Men often come to us in desperation, at the end of
their ropes. They've read other books, tried subliminal tapes and
pheromone-scented colognes, and nothing has worked. They usually
come to us looking for confidence with women. They want to be
able to meet women and make them into lovers. We give men the
same advice and information you will get in this book: a systematic
approach to transforming your relationships with women.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 17

One of our first clients was an attractive man in New York City.
We will call him "Todd." Todd was, and still is, a very popular musician
who travels all over the country, puts out CDs on major record
labels, and is respected by many people in the music industry. He's
beautiful, too—the guy even models and has been in commercials.
He's a solo guitar singer/songwriter who performs in front of thousands
of people each year. Many women find him sexy as he stands
on stage, guitar in hand, singing with his amazing, satiny voice. You
know as well as we do that women love rock stars. With Todd it is no
different.

During our first meeting with Todd, we couldn't believe that
this man was having trouble getting women. We looked at each
other and laughed out loud. At first glance, we were hoping Todd
might give us some advice. We hoped he might let us be roadies at
one of his gigs so we could meet the women who were attracted to
him, and maybe go home with them. But here he was, with a problem!


After just a few minutes of listening to him, we discovered the
problem that kept Todd from being successful with women. Todd
suffered from a severe lack of confidence. While he was in a situation
that many of us would die to be in, constantly surrounded by
hundreds of available women, he didn't have the confidence to follow
through and seduce any of them. He told us he never knew what
to say to women. He would look out in the audience and see lots of
attractive women, but, even though he was the big star, didn't have
the slightest idea how to start a conversation with any of them. He
even admitted that women would wait to talk to him after a gig. but
he rarely would go out with them. It was hard for us to restrain from
smacking him, that he would dare to have a problem with women in
this situation. We put him on a three-month program of coaching,
goal-setting, and dating. He had made commitments about how
many dates he would go on and how many women he would talk to.
It took a lot of effort, but Todd now has sex with as many women as
he wants,

Todd is a useful example because he shows that even men who
are surrounded by available women can have a profound lack of
confidence. At the same time, other men are very confident with
women, but are not in situations where they have much contact with


18 / Chapter Two

them. Some other men are not even all that attractive at first glance,

yet embody the Habits of Effective Seducers so well that they have

as much success with women as they want.

Blake, for example, is a computer programmer for a large firm
in Chicago. He is 38, has epilepsy, and has scars on his arms from an
accident as a child. At first glance Blake looks like a computer geek,
and is not particularly attractive. His glasses look a bit out of date,
and he even has pens in his pocket in a plastic pocket protector. He
wears goofy ties and white tennis shoes. He is balding and has a gut,
He looks like the type of guy who is much more comfortable with
computers than with people.

However, as you get to know him, it is easy to see why he dates
as many women as he wants, and even knows some who just like him
for sex. It is pretty funny that a computer geek like Blake can have
so many women, and a guy who is a successful rock star could hardly
get a date to save his life! But it is true.

One of Blake's strong points is that, unlike Todd, he is very
easy to talk to. Unlike many computer geeks, he is very personable.
He has studied how to be romantic and is able to be sweet to women
and seem harmless to them at the same time. Women find Blake
attractive because it's easy for them to trust him. Blake has learned
that he must pursue many women and he doesn't seem upset when
he's rejected. He knows it is all part of getting the sex life he wants.

The bottom line is that if Blake can get sex and Todd can't, then
so can you. Yes, we are speaking to you, the one who is reading this
right now. Even if you're not a model-quality beauty or are older
and balding, you can still have wonderful relationships with as many
women as you want. You can cultivate the skills to be a dating
machine.

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE

People tend to make things they don't understand more complicated
than they really are. It's only natural. Many people think
that using a computer will be so difficult that they are too intimidated
to even turn the blasted thing on. Other people are so intimidated
by the simple task of balancing their checkbook that they

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 19

never learn how to do it. We all tend to complicate topics we do not
yet understand.

One of the authors gives this example from his childhood.
When I was six years old football seemed so complicated. I could
understand the basic ideas of the game: the quarterback throws
passes and someone catches the ball. Guys try to score touchdowns,
block the other team, and make goals. That, I could understand. The
rest of the strategies involved, however, didn't make any sense. Even
after my father explained it to me dozens of times, the strategy of
the game still seemed like a foreign language that I'd never understand.
I decided to keep watching games, and have my father continue
his explanations. By the lime I turned eight, things started to
make sense and I began to understand some of the more complicated
aspects of the game.

Meeting and dating women is just like any other skill. At first
it seems overly complicated and difficult. Most men simply give up
because the task seems too large. This is not true. In fact, many men
are less successful than they could be because they overcomplicate
matters by being overly involved with their own thoughts about how
difficult dating is.

Let's introduce you to a man named Bob. He spends hours a
day preoccupied with scenarios about women. He carefully constructs
imaginary conversations with beautiful women at the pizza
place he frequents. He creates come-back lines for all of her reasons
why she won't go out with him. He daydreams about seductive conversations
with young women he imagines he could meet on the bus.
In short, Bob is so "in his head" about talking to women that when
he talks to a real, alive, breathing woman, he flips out and becomes
tongue-tied. He's made it overly complicated by thinking about
seduction too much, and taking action too little. He's made it into
rocket science, and left himself unable to deal with it.

We have purposefully written this book in a very straightforward
manner. We want you to understand that this material is not
rocket science; the first steps to becoming a successful seducer are
simple, and you can start today. We want to dissolve once and forever
the idea that other men know something that you don't, and that
these skills are out of your grasp. That just isn't true. Once you get
over the idea that it's complicated and beyond your reach, you'll


20 / Chapter Two

find you can easily learn and apply our system and get women, no
matter what your age or level of physical attractiveness. So let yourself
relax, and enjoy learning this material.

YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES

If you've ever learned any skill, then you can learn how to get
women into bed. You've simply never been taught how. Like any
skill, once you learn the basics, the rest seems easy.

Most guys try to talk to women and fail. Bob tries and tries, but
still can't manage to get a woman in bed. "I'm sincere," he moans,
"I'm a good guy. I'm nice, I listen to women and try to give them
what they want. Why haven't I had sex in two years?"

So Bob becomes more and more upset. He tries to psyche
himself up, to "get out there" more, and to be more confident with
women. He resolves that he'll change with women, that this time
he'll be the confident man he knows he is inside. This time he'll
actually go up to that woman he's attracted to and ask her out.
But when he does, he gets the same results he always gets: failure,
or another female "friend"—the same thing as failing, as far as his
sex life is concerned. His self-esteem and self-respect plummet,
especially as he tries to be more of a nice guy or a better friend,
in the hope that this will inspire women to feel romantic about
him.

Exasperated, he has even confronted women about their lack
of interest in him. Several years ago he had a woman friend named
Susan who told him that she wasn't ready for a relationship. He
accepted this, even though he was attracted to her. Susan was young,
cute, with long legs, almond eyes and jet-black hair. Hoping to be the
first man on the scene when she was finally ready for a relationship,
he spent lots of time with her just hanging out. He knew she liked
him because she spent time with him. He knew they shared the same
interests in music and movies, and were intellectually compatible.
He knew he wasn't particularly bad looking. In fact, lots of men who
had girlfriends looked much worse than him, He knew he had what
it would take, and he hung in there, spending time with her whenever
she wanted,

The Seven Habits of Highly EffectiviSeducers ( 21

One day she told him in an offhand manner, "Remember what
I said about not being ready for a relationship right now? Well, I met
a guy who it's really working with, so I guess I was wrong!"

"Wait a minute!" Bob came back. "Why didn't you choose to
date me? I'm a good friend! I'm always there for you! Why won't
you date me?"

"I don't know," Susan responded. "I just don't feel that way
about you. To tell you the truth, there's something weird about you,
you seem kind of desperate. I like you and everything, but Joel
makes me feel different." Once again Bob has been passed over for
another guy who, predictably, he later learns, is not nearly as sensitive
as he is,

If you are like Bob, you've had this happen to you. You've
resolved to try harder, to be more confident. Secretly, like Bob,
you've wondered if there's something basically wrong with you.
You've thought that there is something you can't see about yourself,
that everyone else sees and that repels women from you, just as
Susan was repelled from Bob.

The good news is that nothing could be further from the truth.
Sure, you've got problems. Everybody does. But, as you've no doubt
seen, plenty of guys with more problems than you are dating women
and having sex and relationships. We know a wheelchair-bound
paraplegic who has an ample sex life with attractive women. We
know a man who was horribly disfigured by fire who has a constant
stream of women in his life, who would never dream of thinking of
himself as sexually inadequate. There's nothing wrong with you that
keeps you from having sex with as many attractive women as you
like. If you can communicate at all, even if it's typing out messages
with a pencil between your teeth, you can get women to desire you.
What's missing is the simple technical skills required to get
women experiencing romantic feelings and thinking romantic
thoughts about you. As we said, if you can communicate at all, you
can have success with women. But you need to know what to comlunicate,
and how to communicate it. Just as important, you need to
know what not to communicate, and how not to communicate that.
Some men intuitively know this material already. They are the
''naturals," who seem to have women all around them no matter


22 / Chapter Two

what they do. Sadly, they usually can't teach you the technical skills
of success with women because they don't know how they are doing
it. They just do it. Even if they did understand what they were doing,
they wouldn't particularly want to share those secrets with you.

In the Dilbert comic strip, someone once conies to Dogbert and
asks him the secret of his success. He says, "Sleep with a vat of jello
by your bed. Set an alarm to wake you every two hours. When it goes
off, stick your head in the Jello and scream, 'boy, I'm tired!'" He ends
the strip saying "Beware of the advice of successful people, for they
do not want company." If you've ever gotten useless or even destructive
guidance from sexually successful men, you've experienced this
personally, and perhaps even let it discourage you. Perhaps you used
it as another example of how you don't have what it takes to seduce
women. This is completely wrong. You don't need to be a "natural."
You just need the technology in this book.

"IT'S AN ATTITUDE"

What would you say if you'd never driven a car before and we
told you that driving was all a matter of your attitude? We seat you
behind the wheel for the first time in your life, give you the keys, and
say "Okay, drive! "First, you look at us like we are nuts. You fumble
around and possibly manage to get the thing to turn over a few times
before it dies. "Hey," we say, "don't get down. The secret of confidence
with driving is having a good attitude, everybody knows that.
Look at you, you are getting stressed out. Now try again, but have
the right attitude!" You take a deep breath, take on a "good attitude,"
and try again. Perhaps this time you get the car moving, just
enough to drive directly onto someone's front yard. "It's no use,"
you say. "I can't do it." "Well of course you can't," we come back,
"with an attitude like that! We certainly can't help you 'til you get

that attitude fixed!"
It's obvious what's missing here: we never told you anything
about the technical skills of actually driving a car. We never taught
you how to start the car, how to stop it, to steer and to shift. We
never taught you the rules of the road and all the skills you'd need

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 23

to be a confident driver. Of course you didn't have the right "attitude,"
Of course you failed.

Now imagine that we've taught you everything you need to
know before seating you behind the wheel for the first time. You've
studied the textbooks, learned about how other drivers tend to
behave, and the best ways to interact with them to get what you
want. You've spent time in an automotive simulator where you
could make mistakes with no real-world consequences, and when
you first get behind the wheel, you know exactly what to do. What
might your attitude be like then?

We think that saying "the secret of success is to have a better attitude"
is about as useful as saying "the secret of success is to have success."
In our opinion, the word "attitude" is horribly overused and tells
you nothing useful. Attitude and success are both outcomes of doing
certain things on a consistent basis. When you understand driving
inside and out, know what to do when and how to do it. you automatically
have the right attitude and have success. When you understand
sex and dating inside and out, know what to do when and how to do it,
you again automatically have the right attitude and have success.

Just as it does with driving, the attitude that creates success
with women comes from understanding and using tools and technology.
When you understand and start to use the tools in this book
you will have "the right attitude," which will lead to success.
Furthermore, you don't have to somehow come up with it. We'll
show you exactly how to create it.

WE LEARNED THE HARD WAY

There's no reason to give up because you haven't known how
to get women in bed, or because you don't have some elusive thing
called "attitude." As a matter of fact, we used to have the same problems
you do. For both the authors, sex was sometimes plentiful, and
sometimes elusive. It seemed to be at the whim of luck, or at the
whim of whatever women we happened to be around. A few years
ago we decided to put an end to the uncertainty, and to discover the
fundamentals that separate the master seducers from the men who
spend Saturday nights alone.


Chapter Two

There was work involved for us, the same as there will be for

you. But the difference is, using the material in this book, you will
finally know what the work is. No more guesswork, no more accidentally
destroying budding sexual relationships with rookie mistakes,
no more spending Saturday night alone. But it is work, and it

will take practice.

The thing we did do is commit ourselves to experimenting and
going about seducing women in new ways, ways we would have
never previously dreamed of. We realized that we were getting very
few results using our then-current strategies and so we decided to
try new approaches. We once heard that the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
We took this advice and set out on a completely new course for
seducing women. We are sure that you can do the same thing, probably
in much less time than it took us. We'll show you how to master
these skills step by step, but you must be persistent.

MODELING SUCCESSFUL SEDUCERS

In our quest to become reliably successful with women, we
made use of the concept of modeling. Modeling, in this case, does
not mean runway models or centerfold models. It means that we
modeled our behavior after men we met who seemed successful
with women.

Modeling means to imitate someone else. Knowing how to
model someone who is successful is an essential skill for anyone who
wants to learn a skill someone else has. It is based on the belief that
anything someone else can do, you can do, too. You simply need to
be able to think the way that person thinks, believe what that person
believes and take the same actions that person takes. Do this, and
you'll get the same results. Along the way, you will learn what works
for you and what doesn't.

For instance, a friend of ours returned to college at age 32. He
did this after being out of school for ten years. He decided that, this
time, he was going to figure out how to be the most effective student
he could be. He wanted to study the least he could, and get the best
grades he could. So he set about finding and modeling the most suc-

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 25

cessful students. He observed the best students in his classes. He
observed how they took notes, and took notes in the same way. He
sat in the same parts of the classrooms they sat in. He studied with
them to learn their study habits, and interviewed them about how
they thought about going to school. By modeling his behaviors on
theirs, he was able to take the same actions they took, and to get the
same excellent results.

You can also use modeling in learning about success with
women. Say you know a man who always seems to be in romantic
relationships with hot women. He never seems to have any problems
getting as many women as he wants, and seems to have exactly
the sex life he wants. If you were to make this man your model,
you wouldn't simply ask him how he does it, because he probably
wouldn't know. What you would do is observe him. You'd look at
how he dresses and moves, and dress and move the same way. You'd
watch how he behaves with women, and try to behave the same way.
You'd ask him what he's thinking at different times in a date, and
think the same way. You'd ask him about his beliefs about women,
and believe the same things. You'd listen to how he talks to women,
and use the same words and sentences. In time, you'd have the same
success he does. And you would be able to adapt what you've
learned from him to best suit you.

As we modeled successful seducers for this book (and in
becoming successful seducers ourselves), we noticed trends. We
were able to determine the basic habits that are common to all
Highly Successful Seducers. If the only thing you get out of this book
is that you incorporate these habits into your behavior with women,
you will get your money's worth—and a lot more sex with women.

THE HABITS OF A HIGHLY
SUCCESSFUL SEDUCER


A Highly Successful Seducer never grovels for sex

One of the characteristics of kids age 6-10 is that they whine. If
you look at any group of kids, you'll see them whining in an attempt
to get what they want. We aren't sure if it is a genetic or cultural
trait, but it certainly is true about them. Can't you just hear the irri



26 / Chapter Two

tating sound of a kid saying, "Mommy, I don't want to go to sleep!"

Or imagine that same statement screamed at you by a kid who's cry


ing and pounding his fists into the wall next to you. How pleasant!

We were recently at lunch with one of our students, Paul, He

had brought his six-year-old son, Benjamin. Paul is a divorced single

father and is looking for a woman for a casual relationship. During

lunch Benjamin drew quietly while we discussed dating strategies.

Just as we paid the check, Benjamin threw a tantrum because Paul

wouldn't buy him a second dessert. Benjamin screamed, pounded on

the table, and spit on us. People at nearby tables stared. Paul apolo


gized to us and seemed embarrassed. Finally, in desperation, after

five minutes of Benjamin's screaming, Paul gave in and ordered him

a second dish of ice cream.

Benjamin's throwing a tantrum to get what he wanted was sim


ilar to the way many men go about trying to get women to have sex

with them. Some men approach seduction like they are needy little

boys. If a woman says "no," they try to manipulate and cajole her. Or

they become obviously upset, and pout. Another common strategy

is to wear the woman down by begging her for sex. All of these

behaviors convey a sense of neediness. From our perspective, they

are forms of whining.

Clearly, people don't respect whiners. They are seen as childish,
not worthy of respect, people who can't take care of themselves, and
as wimps who could be taken advantage of. While people often give
children what they want just to shut them up, adults judge whiners
very harshly. The biggest cost to people who whine is a total loss of
respect from others. Though you don't realize it, you've probably
groveled for sex in much the same way as kids whine for ice cream.

When you grovel to a woman for sex she thinks you are a
worm. If the woman has kids she will automatically think of you as
one of their peers. She will lose any respect she had for you. Some
women will move you from the category called "man" to the category
called "boy." She probably won't have sex with you, and will
disqualify you from any possible relationship. She may, moreover,
think of you as a chump and take advantage of you.

You know what? Some things are more important than sex.
And, to a man's man (which is what you will become if you follow
the system in this book), self-respect is far, far more important than

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 27

a momentary sexual experience. On the one hand, the more selfrespect
you have, the easier it is to be successful with women. On the
other hand, you can sometimes get sex by throwing away your selfrespect,
and groveling and begging to a woman for sex, which a
Highly Effective Seducer would never do.

Let's look at the typical groveling situation. Guy goes out with
girl. Guy knows nothing or very little about seduction. Girl has nothing
better to do, and allows some kissing and petting to happen. Girl
gets turned off at some point, and decides she doesn't want sex after
all. Guy begs with "Aw, come on," "Why not," and "you don't know
how it hurts a guy," until she finally gives in and lets him have six
minutes of unsatisfying—for her—sex. Afterward she looks disgusted
and tells him to get the hell out of her bedroom. She thinks he's
a jerk, and she's right.

Groveling may get you sex, but let's look at the cost: First, even
though groveling may have gotten you sex this time, it won't work in
the future. Groveling erodes your self-respect, and a man without
self-respect is not sexually attractive to women. So this leads to
more groveling and begging for sex, which erodes your self-respect
even more. Eventually you have no self-respect, no self-esteem, and
must live as a worm groveling through every interaction with
women. Is that what you really want?

Second, how you are in pursuing sex is how you are in pursuing
your life. If you are able to have fun, be playful, and pursue a
goal consistently but not be attached to the outcome, you will be
successful both in life and with women. However, if you get into the
habit of groveling and begging with women, you will be a groveling
beggar in the bigger realms of your life. To some degree you'll grovel
to your boss, to sales clerks, parents, everybody. You will be a true
loser with no self-respect, no self-esteem.

Third (as if that's not enough!), women become sadistic and
will take advantage of a groveling, no-self-respect man. They'll take
your money, time, and will toy with you sexually, finally ditching you
without putting out. In the process they will purposefully make you
miserable. One woman told us about a man she dated who would
always grovel for sex. The man would snivel and whine whenever he
wanted her in a way that she found disgusting. As a result, she made
him buy her all sorts of expensive gifts. She even made him give her


Chapter Two

his credit card so she could use it to buy expensive clothes. The prob


lem with this guy was threefold. One, he didn't realize that he was

being exploited and punished for his whining. He lost his self


respect and was too naive to realize it. Two, he didn't notice that he

was being overcharged for sex with this woman (we will go into this

later). Three, he inevitably lost her. He never really got the sex he

wanted, and she got rid of him when she became bored.

While we could focus on the woman in this situation, and

examine how exploitative she was, we won't. We want you to take

the focus off external circumstances and always bring it back to

yourself. Rather than blaming women, we want you to always look

for what you could change in yourself, what you could bring to the

party, and what you could alter to create the situations you want.

Men like to blame women for their problems, but blaming, after all,

is just another form of whining. Whining, begging, and groveling for

sex are behaviors you must stop if you want to become a Highly

Effective Seducer.

A Highly Successful Seducer knows it's his job to pursue sex;

and that she has the final say

Men and women play a very elaborate game of cat-and-mouse.
Men pursue and women either accept, reject or play hard to get. As
men we often love the process, even though it seems tedious at
times, A woman likes to know that you are persistent and worthy of
her affections. As men, we love the conquest. We love the accomplishment
of taking this woman who at first seemed like an impossibility
and of knowing that we now "have her."

As research for this book, we interviewed hundreds of women
on their attitudes and experiences with dating. One woman explained
why she loves being chased by men, "I like knowing I can turn him
down. I like knowing he wants me and would do anything to have me
sexually. I love the moment before we kiss, knowing it is the beginning
of a long series of interactions. The whole process drives me
crazy. I must admit, it leaves me feeling all hot and bothered."

Pursuing is paradoxical. On one hand it is your job to pursue
sex and go after what you want. On the other hand, she always has
the final say. You must go at her speed and yet push at the same

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 29

time. Even if it doesn't seem "fair" to you, you must stop when she
says, no matter what. Warren Farrell, researcher of men's issues, figured
out that men have to initiate over a hundred interactions with
women to get them into bed. Men risk rejection each step along the
way. These initiations include eye contact, kissing, petting, getting
the phone number, and more. You must listen when she says "no"
and behave accordingly.

When men don't listen to women's "no" they are risking many
severe problems. The biggest one is being accused of rape. This is a
real threat.

A Highly Successful Seducer doesn't get upset at her "no's"

One of the myths in dating and seduction is that as a man you
should be able to just go out and meet a beautiful woman on the
street and have her back in your bed in minutes. We can recall times
in high school thinking that "a real man" could just go out and pick
up a woman effortlessly, which we later realized is a near impossibility.
If you are a rock star or already very famous, it could happen,
but for most of us there is almost no chance.

We once heard a story about a man who was willing to go to
extreme measures for sex. No, he didn't have sex with a prostitute in
public like Hugh Grant, he had his own ploy. He would stand at a
bus stop in Los Angeles during rush hour and approach every
woman getting on the bus, off the bus. or waiting, and would say, "I
want to sleep with you." The story goes that he would do this sometimes
hundreds of times. Women would laugh at him, spit at him,
slap him, and run away in fear. Occasionally, however, there would
be a woman who was interested in him. She might talk to him and
entertain the idea of going home with him. Even more occasionally
a woman would have sex with him.

This guy had no problem accepting a woman telling him "no."
While we are not telling you to go out and live out this crazy ploy,
the man did act with a kind of bold courage and balls that we could
all take on. Of course the guy was a bit off-kilter for risking so much
trouble, like getting VD, sleeping with women he didn't know, having
enraged women attack him, having boyfriends of the women
kicking his ass, risking immediate arrest, and not acting with self



30 / Chapter Two
respect. The part that is worth modeling is not being upset when
women turn you down.
To meet women and have sex with them is often a lengthy
process. Along the way you will have to face all sorts of trouble,
problems, rejections, etc. The number one thing that stops most men
from being successful is that they give up when women ambiguously
or uncertainly say "no." From our vantage point, women most certainly
will say "no" along the way. We view the dating scene as a
game and part of it is that women will, predictably, say "no" at some
point, you have to improvise a way to stay motivated and focused
on your goal without pushing them in a way they resent. Just like the
one fellow who was nuts about asking every woman for sex, you
need to develop a tougher skin regarding rejection.
Most men faced with "no" stop because they feel as though
they've done something wrong. Have you ever been with a woman
and thought things were going great, only to find out later that they
weren't? You were holding hands, having great discussions, staring
into her eyes, andjust counting down the moments before you went
in for the kiss. As your heart raced, you slowly brought your lips
close to hers for a long hot French kiss. Just as your lips touched
hers, she pushed you away and said, "No. I am not ready for that yet.1 you awaycan't believe you just did that."
30 / Chapter Two
respect. The part that is worth modeling is not being upset when
women turn you down.
To meet women and have sex with them is often a lengthy
process. Along the way you will have to face all sorts of trouble,
problems, rejections, etc. The number one thing that stops most men
from being successful is that they give up when women ambiguously
or uncertainly say "no." From our vantage point, women most certainly
will say "no" along the way. We view the dating scene as a
game and part of it is that women will, predictably, say "no" at some
point, you have to improvise a way to stay motivated and focused
on your goal without pushing them in a way they resent. Just like the
one fellow who was nuts about asking every woman for sex, you
need to develop a tougher skin regarding rejection.
Most men faced with "no" stop because they feel as though
they've done something wrong. Have you ever been with a woman
and thought things were going great, only to find out later that they
weren't? You were holding hands, having great discussions, staring
into her eyes, andjust counting down the moments before you went
in for the kiss. As your heart raced, you slowly brought your lips
close to hers for a long hot French kiss. Just as your lips touched
hers, she pushed you away and said, "No. I am not ready for that yet.1 you awaycan't believe you just did that."
First of all, you are not alone. We all have miscommunications

with women and let our hormones dictate our experience. The prob


lem in the above situation is that most men stop at that point and

never go back because they fear another rejection. The type of atti


tude we are teaching would have the man stop when the woman says

so, all the while knowing that this was a step along the way, that he

has other women he is working on, and that the door is still open for

kissing or even having sex with this woman later.

A Highly Successful Seducer knows that rejection is the key

to sexual prosperity

You're on the third date. You know it's time to make your
move. She seems to like you. But who can tell? Maybe she's still
wondering why she decided to go out on a date with you in the first

place. But you have to make your move now. After all, you are
ready. But what if she says "no"?

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 31

Or perhaps you aren't even out on a date yet. Maybe you are
looking across the room at her, that unmet angel, that wonderful
woman who you wish you could bring yourself to talk to. You could
go up to her. This could be your only chance. But what if she rejects
you? What if she's mean to you? What if she says "no"?

Fundamentally, you are scared of women for one reason only:
you are afraid of the pain and humiliation you'll feel if she rejects
you. If she says "no," you'll interpret it tomean all sorts of things:
that you'll never get a woman, that you're not good enough, and that
there's something fundamentally wrong with you. You'll feel humiliation
and pain for days, perhaps even longer. Each rejection makes
you even less likely to initiate anything with a woman again, which
makes the next time you actually do initiate something seem even
more important and significant to you. It will be extra-important to
you that you not get rejected again, which will make you seem weird
to the woman, who will then reject you. Then back to more pain and
lonely nights ahead. This chain of events is enough to make your
head spin. Many men that we've seen have experienced a similar
cycle when they were rejected. The strange part is that most of us are
not even consciously aware of these crippling thoughts.

For Bob, doing something as simple as asking a woman out is a
very significant task. "If she says no," he muses, "I'll look like a fool.
I can just see that horrified look on her face already. I wonder how

she'll say 'no'? Then she'll tell all our mutual friends friends that I, of all
people, tried to ask her out. They'll all laugh at me and make fun of
me behind my back. My reputation will be ruined."
Bob puts himself in so much pain by picturing the worst possible
outcomes that he paralyzes himself with fear. He's picturing all
these terrible outcomes when he approaches a woman, and his sheer
level of fear alone, if nothing else, makes women say "no" to him. He
acts so strangely and so hesitantly that he's at his worst, rather than
at his best. Few women would choose to go out with him. Women are
not stupid; they can sense hesitation in a man. They don't want to be
the source of you becoming depressed if they are not interested in
dating you.
Like many people, Bob feels it's his duty to imagine the worst
of what could happen in a risky situation, so he can "steel himself
against it." He thinks that looking realistically at the "downside" of
being rejected is the best way. He is wrong. Drawing lots of unpleas



32 I Chapter Two

ant pictures of being rejected and getting completely absorbed in
fear of how you'll feel if you are rejected makes rejection almost

inevitable.

The Highly Effective Seducer sees things completely differently.
Rather than seeing rejection as a reflection of his value as a
man, the Highly Effective Seducer has one rule about rejection:
"Rejection is the key to sexual prosperity," An Effective Seducer
thinks about rejection differently than does an ineffective seducer.
He makes better decisions about what a women's rejection means

to him.

For instance, imagine you are at a grocery store, and you flirt
and joke with the attractive young woman behind the counter (as
we'll teach you to do). Perhaps she says, "Would you like a bag?"
You smile and jokingly respond "Oh no...bags dangerous!

Haven't you read the suffocation warnings on them?" She responds
with a dark glare. You continue to joke with her, and her only words
for you are a cold-sounding "Thank-you-come-again" when she

hands you your change. In every way that she can, short of outrightinsolence, she rejects you.
Let's look into the mind of an ineffective seducer after this
interaction. He might be thinking, "Wow, I really blew it with her. I
can't believe I said that stuff. I must have been really out of line.
Once again, I scared a woman I was attracted to. What's wrong with
me? Won't I ever be able to talk to women without something weird
happening? She's probably talking about me right now telling

everybody what a jerk I am." The ineffective seducer explains the
interaction to himself in a way that causes him humiliation and
shame.


To the Highly Effective Seducer, rejection is a stepping stone
to massive sexual success because he sees it as one more "no" he
doesn't have to hear on the way to an inevitable "yes" with some
other woman. After that same interaction, an Effective Seducer
might say to himself, "Wow, she sure didn't have much of a sense of
humor. I wonder if she's not feeling well. Perhaps she had a friend
die from suffocation in a plastic bag. Who knows?" If he does think
that she didn't like him, his only thought is "Well, it's a good thing I
found out now, before wasting more time and energy on her. Now I

can concentrate on all the women who will want to be with me! "The

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 33

Highly Effective Seducer explains the interaction to himself in such
a way that he feels good about himself. He's gotten one more "no"
out of the way, and can move on to the "yes" from some other

woman.
When asking a woman out, the Effective and Ineffective seducers
think differently as well. Imagine you are at a restaurant, and
about to ask your waitress out. You say "Hey, you seem pretty fascinating.
What would it be like if we went out for coffee sometime?
Could I have your phone number?" She responds, "Gee, uh, no.
Would you like some dessert?"
Here's how an Ineffective Seducer might think about this.
"Man, how humiliating. I can't believe I did that. What a slap in the
face! That's what I get for thinking any attractive woman would
want to go out with me. She didn't want me. I mustn't be good
enough. I feel like crap. I will never do that again."
Meanwhile, here's how the Effective Seducer thinks about it:
"Wow, how 'bout that. She must have a boyfriend or something, or
really got hurt somewhere along the line. That kind of thing happens,
I know. Perhaps she's just caught up in her own little world.
Well, that's one more 'no' I don't have to hear on the way to getting
a 'yes' from a woman. Too bad, she was cute. What's on the dessert
menu?" The Effective Seducer explains her rejection in a way that's
not personal; it doesn't mean anything about him, except that it's
one more "no" he won't have to hear again.
Effective and ineffective seducers differ when they are rejected
when going for a kiss, as well. Say you've been on a date that went
okay, but not great. You were bored and found an excuse to take her
home early. In the car in front of her house you look into her eyes,
run your fingers lightly through her hair, and, as you begin to move
toward her, she says "Please don't try to kiss me."
By now you can probably see the difference already. While the
Ineffective Seducer is plunging into depression at her rejection, the
Highly Effective Seducer is already planning how he's going to
spend the rest of the evening, thinking something like "Huh! I guess
she was as bored as I was. That's one more 'no' on the way to 'yes.'
What's on TV later?" While the Ineffective Seducer is letting it
wreck his evening, the Effective Seducer is planning how to get her
out of his car as quickly as possible, so he can get on with his life.


34 I Chapter Two

Here are the basic principles the Highly Effective Seducer follows
in the face of rejection, which you must also follow. First, he
leaves his self-image out of it. He comes up with an explanation for
her rejection that has to do with her, or with circumstances, rather
than with him. He thinks to himself that "She must have a
boyfriend," rather than "I must not be attractive."

Second, he redirects his attention. Rather than giving his brain
an opportunity to dwell on the rejection, he thinks about something
else instead. He asks "What's on the dessert menu?" or "What's on
TV tonight?" If his brain does go back to the rejection, he reminds
himself it's one more "no" he won't have to hear on his way to an
inevitable "yes." The Effective Seducer does not allow rejections to
mean that he is unworthy or bad in any way. Though we dislike the
overly new age/positive thinking movement, we saw a poster recently
that poignantly sums up our point. It said, "You miss 100% of the

shots you don't take."

A Highly Successful Seducer sees dating as a numbers game

Highly Effective Seducers constantly remember that dating,
like so many areas of life, is a numbers game. Crass as it may seem,
dating women is like selling a product. Instead of selling a vacuum
cleaner or some other product, however, you are selling you.
Salesmen know that they rarely make a sale on the first call they
make. They know that if they do it was luck, and they can't count on

it again.

Let's watch a top salesman at work, Martin sells insurance, and
has for four years. He's 29, and has stunned his company by again
and again meeting and beating his sales goals. He's made himself the
best salesman in the company by following a simple philosophy.
He's learned, through keeping records, that for every seventy-five
people he calls, he makes four appointments, and out of those four
appointments he makes one sale.

Unlike his associates, who don't sell as much as he does, Martin
has accepted these facts of life. He understands that it's not personal
when people hang up, or aren't home, or yell at him. It's all part
of the numbers game he's playing, a game which he knows will eventually,
inevitably, make the sale. All he has to do is keep dialing the

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 35

phone, and sooner or later he will sell some insurance. So he keeps
dialing, with that end in mind.

His associates that fail don't see it as a numbers game. They
take the rejections and difficulties personally. Instead of knowing
that they are working their way through inevitable rejection to get
to inevitable success, they get caught up in the momentary bad feelings,
and lose sight of their goal. They eventually give up, while
Martin goes on to succeed. Martin is like the infamous Energizer
Bunny. He keeps going and going, unwilling to be stopped by pitfalls
along the way. Sure, Martin gets flustered, upset, and angry when
things don't go his way. But he is able to always bring it back to the
numbers game he is playing.

Highly Effective Seducers see seduction as a numbers game as
well. Even the most successful seducers we know don't bed every
women they approach—far from it. They know that most of their
"cold calling"—that is, flirting with women—will not lead to anything
more than that one interaction.

An Effective Seducer expects that one in ten of the women he
flirts with he'll go out with, and that one in four of the women he
goes out with he'll have sex with. He's accepted these facts of life.
He thinks it's like baseball: those who hit the most home runs also
have the most strikeouts. He understands that it's not personal when
women say "no" to him, don't show up, or reject his advances. It's all
part of the game he's playing which he knows will eventually get him
in bed with women he desires. All he has to do is keep initiating,
flirting, asking women out, and following the principles in this book,
and sooner or later he will be having sex. So he keeps initiating, with
that end in mind.

Ineffective seducers don't see seduction as a numbers game.
They take the rejections and difficulties personally. Instead of knowing
that they are working their way through inevitable rejection to
inevitable success, they get caught up in their momentary bad feelings.
As a result, they lose sight of the inevitability of their goal. They
eventually give up, while the Effective Seducer goes on to succeed.

At the beginning, when you are first developing your seduction
skills, your numbers may be more daunting. Unlike the practiced
seducer, you may have to flirt with twenty-five or thirty women
before you ask out three, and of those three only two may decide to


36 / Chapter Two

go out with you. You may have to date six or seven women before
you get one in bed, rather than the two or three needed by a more
experienced seducer. You must understand that it doesn't matter
when they say "no." As long as you realize that your persistence
makes success inevitable, you'll be able to stick with it and keep pursuing
women until you finally have the success you want. That success
will bolster your confidence, and you will have an easier time
getting the next women. As long as you remember it's a numbers

game, you will have success with women.
Geoffrey is a student of ours who took this habit to heart.
Forty-two years old, divorced, and slightly overweight, he hadn't had
sex with a woman since his divorce three years previously. He was a
sensitive fellow who'd make a devoted lover, boyfriend or husband
His chances of that were slim, however, as he had been taking any
negative sign from women extremely personally. If he made a joke
and a woman didn't laugh, he was crushed. Since the last woman
who said "no" to him two years ago, he hadn't asked any woman out
at all. He was living in hope, wishing that somehow he would find
the love and relationship he wanted. Geoffrey was depressed when
we met him, desperate for female companionship.
We shared the Habits of Highly Effective Seducers with him
and he changed his approach with women. Instead of seeing their
rejections as reflections on him, he kept his mind focused on the
numbers game. He told us "I figure I'll have to ask out ten women
to get one yes and date four woman before I'll have sex. Fine, I'll
do it!" He even showed us a chart he'd made to keep track of how
many women he'd asked out, and how many women he dated.
It turned out that Geoffrey's predictions were overly conservative.
Three of the first six women he asked out said yes, and one of
those ended up having sex with him within three weeks, "Thinking
of dating as a numbers game gave me the ability to move on to the
next gal when one said 'no,'" he told us later. He now has a girlfriend
he loves, and whom he's planning to marry.
Seeing dating as a numbers game will give you the confidence
to go on in the face of anything that happens. From the man who
approaches women on the street and asks "Will you have sex with
me" to Geoffrey's search for a girlfriend, the numbers game will
make you a Highly Effective Seducer.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 37

Some men object to the idea that women's rejections could just
roll off their backs. They want to be sensitive men; they think that seeing
women's rejections as the key to sexual prosperity somehow gives
license to men to be even more insensitive than they are already.
After all, don't women complain that men aren't sensitive enough?

We think you should be sensitive to what women say and do,
but not in the early stages of dating. When you are first getting to
know one another, too much sensitivity to what she says or does is
sexual suicide. The objection is that if you don't feel bad, you won't
do what it takes to keep yourself "in-line." You'll just be an example
of the huge male ego we've all heard so much about. If you aren't
hurt by her rejections, this line of reasoning goes, you must think
you're God's gift to women. At least if you are hurt, you know
you're not overly egotistical.

Bob takes this route. When a woman rejects him, he's devastated.
If you suggest to him that he might explain the rejection in
some other way, he'll worry that then he'll be inaccurate: after all,
maybe there really is something offensive about him that he needs
to fix! If he keeps feeling good about himself after being rejected, he
might be one of those egotistical guys who women sneer at behind
their backs! He might become a macho pig, and we wouldn't want
that.

Bob doesn't realize two things. First, that women may sneer at
those guys, but they also have sex with them (for reasons we'll get to
later) more than they do with apologetic men. Second, while he
should always be refining his style and approach with women, feeling
bad about himself will not help him do that. In the atmosphere
of early dating, you simply have no choice but to be insensitive in
the face of rejection. If you want any kind of relationship with

women, you must be thick-skinned. Simply follow the steps the
Highly Effective Seducer follows, realize it's one more "no" you
won't have to hear on your way to success, and move on.

A Highly Successful Seducer always pursues

more than one woman

In interviewing and modeling the behavior of Effective
Seducers, we learned a terrible truth: if you are trying to become an


38 / Chapter Two

expert seducer, pursuing only one woman is worse for your sex life
than pursuing none at all!
Why is this so? Because when you are pursuing only one
woman, you have no backup plan. You have all your eggs in one basket.
You can't be playful and pursue her unconcerned with outcomes,
because if she's your only prospect, she's your only chance
for sex. You'll get overly concerned that if things don't work out you
won't have anyone else to pursue. It most likely will make you
dependent on her in some way. You will likely push her away from
this dependency attitude. Further, if after a few dates she doesn't

like you, then you will feel that there is something wrong with you.
Your inability to relax with her will drive her away and leave you
feeling bad about yourself.

Many of our students have fallen into this trap. You can follow
all the other habits of the Highly Effective Seducer, but if you pursue
only one woman, you will never experience an abundant sex life.

Leo. the manager of a dry cleaner, didn't believe us. When we
started coaching him, he hadn't had a date in six months. "It's been
so long since I've had sex," he joked with us, "that I think I've forgotten
how to do it!" We trained him in the Habits. He followed
them all except one. He pursued only one woman at a time. He flirted
with one woman, returning to the store she worked at to see her
again and again. He fantasized about how wonderful it would be to
go out with her, to have her as a lover. Leo ignored other women,
not exploring them as we recommended he do. But he had a problem:
every time he saw the women he desired, he felt more tense. It
became harder for him to joke with her, and he became more afraid

of saying or doing something that would offend her. By the time Leo
decided to ask her out, he was so nervous he was actually sweating.
If she said "no," all his work would be for nothing, and all his dreams
with her would be dashed! When he tried to ask her out he stumbled
on his words and blushed. She said, "Gee, thanks, I like you and
everything, but I don't think it would work out." Because she was
the only woman he was after, her response became so meaningful to
him that he lost all ability to relax and be himself. Seeing his tension,

she naturally didn't want to go out with him.
Leo returned to us and asked our advice. We told him again
how it was important to go after more than one woman at a time.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 39

After all, we asked him, would he seek out only one client for his
dry-cleaning business? Of course not. He began following our
advice, using the system we outline in this book, and soon had suc


cess.
If you do this, too. adding in more all the time and dropping out
ones that don't work out for you, no single woman's response to you
takes on much significance. You are able to relax, be playful, and
unconcerned about her responses to your seduction. You'll be able
to say to yourself "Hey, if she doesn't want me, there are plenty of
women waiting in the wings to take her place," and know it's true.
Pursuing more than one woman also makes you more patient
with the women you are seducing, because you have a variety of
women at different points in your seduction. Now it doesn't matter
to Leo if one of the women is being uncommunicative, is mean to
him one day, or is moody. He knows he doesn't have to rush her in
any way, because he has his needs met other places. This makes him
an easier man to be around, and much more attractive to women.
Following our advice is also important when you finally are
having sex. If you stop going after other women once you have a
lover she will become your girlfriend, whether you like it or not.
Studies have shown that men's body chemistry actually becomes
physically addicted to a woman he sleeps with on a regular basis.
That's fine if you want a girlfriend, but if you want casual short-term
relationships with women you must continue to pursue other
women, even after you've got the first one in bed.
Women are attracted to men who are relaxed, creative and
exciting. Pursuing more than one woman brings out both of these
qualities because it keeps you engaged with life in a creative exciting
way. When you know the woman you are after is one of many,
her response matters less than it would if she were your only hope
for sex. You can be more relaxed, because you aren't risking offending
your only possible sexual partner. If you do lose her for some
reason, you can just move on to the next woman.

A Highly Successful Seducer initiates everything with women

Men frequently fail to initiate with women. They either forget
that it is essential, or they resent doing it. Perhaps they've been fre



40 / Chapter Two

quently rejected a lot by women. Perhaps they think they are so spe


cial that women will approach them and ask them out. Whatever the

reason, here is what Highly Effective Seducers know: the man must

always make it his responsibility to initiate every step of a romantic

encounter. Effective Seducers never forget it! If you slack off. anoth


er man will be having sex with the woman of your dreams while you

are home alone masturbating.

Men commonly think women give signals of interest the same

way they would. This is a big mistake. Most men don't realize that

women do not do things the way men do. You must understand the

crucial differences in how men and women respond to initiation.

For instance, if one of your buddies doesn't call you back when
you've initiated getting together, it is fair to assume he doesn't want
to accept your invitation. This is not the case with women. Women
are trained to play hard to get, and are programmed to give mixed
messages. It isn't personal. In fact, you will be a much happier man
if you just keep initiating; don't take anything a woman does personally,


A case in point: a hot woman will never ask you out and will
rarely call you back. If you really want her, you have to prove your
worth. You will have to prove you are persistent and patient, and
that there is something that sets you apart from the others. When a
friend of ours met a beautiful 20-year-old woman at a bar, he initiated
and got her phone number. He called her several times and she
didn't call back. He kept initiating phone calls and finally talked to
her. They set a date for coffee and she didn't show. He initiated
another call and set up a date with her. On that next date he slept
with her. His success was built on his persistence and willingness to
initiate. What he didn't do was take it personally, resent the woman,
whine to her, or give up.

We have known many men who are angry that they have to initiate.
They complain that it isn't fair, and that if women really
believed in equality, they would approach men. Or they complain
that it's scary to approach a woman they don't know and risk rejection.
Our advice to these men is to grow up and deal with it. If you
are resentful, no woman will want you. Just get over it. This may be
more easily said than done, but initiating without resentment is
essential if you want success with women. This is the law of the jun-

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 41

gle, and you must learn it to survive. You have no chance of changing
the terrain, only of adapting to the harsh conditions. A master
seducer will have the inner discipline to overcome his fear and
resentment to get to his eventual goal of abundant sex.

Try looking at it this way: initiating gives you power. Rather
than feeling resentful for having to do all the work to get a woman
into bed, an Effective Seducer knows that initiating gives you the
opportunity to make dating work for you. If you are the initiator,
you get to talk to her when you want to, set up dates for times that
are convenient for you, approach any woman you want, and eventually
sleep with any woman you are attracted to. You're not powerless;
in fact, you have total societal approval to make it work for you!
From this standpoint having to initiate is pretty great for men.

Just in case you are totally brain dead, here is a list of initiations
you must make: the first eye contact, the first smile, talking to her for
the first time, keeping the conversation going, asking for her phone
number, calling her up, calling her again when she doesn't call you
back, asking her out, asking her out again when she "forgets" to
show up, all eye contact and touching on the date, the first kiss, every
single sexual initiation, and any subsequent dates. In a short-term
erotic relationship you will also have to initiate the breakup.

A Highly Successful Seducer is always prospecting

A Highly Effective Seducer turns every situation with women
into a prospecting situation. If you want an abundant sex life, you
must learn to do this as well. One of Bob's fatal flaws is that he has
tunnel-vision in his pursuit. Though he is consistently unsuccessful,
he thinks he "knows" that there are very few places he can meet
women. He is wrong. The fact is, women are everywhere. There is no
shortage of places to meet them. Some of the best places are ones
you are in every day that you don't even yet realize. Because Bob
doesn't realize this, he only flirts with women when he feels like it,
not as practice. He doesn't turn every situation into a prospecting
situation.

Before taking our seminars and reading our book, many of our
students stumbled through their days. They were unaware of the multitude
of women around them at almost every moment. They con



42 / Chapter Two

stantly thought they were flawed in some way, never aware of the
constant flow of sex available to every man as his birthright. If you
read this book carefully and follow our advice you will be able to
notice who the women are that you have contact with every day and
turn many of them into lovers, just as Highly Effective Seducers do.

Effective Seducers are like successful salesmen. Let's examine
how a successful salesman views his life. To him, every situation
poses the potential for a sale. A hungry insurance salesman, for
example, will do many cold calls, ask his friends for leads, call up
long lost relatives for leads, put ads in newspapers, leave his business
card at restaurants, and do other outrageous things to make
sales. He will make whatever it takes to get the sale. The Effective
Seducer has a similar type of rigor and intensity about his quest for

women.

The Effective Seducer is also like a hunter. A good hunter is
constantly outside of his comfort zone. This means that he doesn't
hunt only in places that are easiest to get to. He goes to areas where

he thinks the deer are, whether or not those places are always convenient.
He makes it a higher priority to get his prey than to be in a
comfortable situation. He gets up before dawn, hikes in the dark, sits

in the cold and waits patiently for a deer that may or may not come,
because he knows that if he is consistent, he will eventually be successful.
This is a model for us all.

A hunter scans the landscape looking for any signs, smells, or
sounds that might lead him to his prey, just as an Effective Seducer
does. He observes the whole landscape and investigates anything
that moves. Most lonely men could also use this trait. An unsuccessful
seducer, is so caught up with how a woman isn't quite pretty
enough that he turns down the opportunity to practice on her, or to


use that situation to meet other women. He also fails to scan the
landscape and to stay aware of all the women who are potentials.
The hunter analogy, though crude, is useful for you to use on your

path to becoming a Highly Successful Seducer.
Look at every situation you are in as a potential for meeting
women. You can even look at every interaction with a woman, be it
at a restaurant, in an elevator, while pumping gas, or at the doctor,
as an opportunity to initiate the steps to getting a date and practicing
your skills as a seducer.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 43

As we mentioned earlier, even computer geeks who are locked
away in offices all day have opportunities to meet women. The difference
between Effective and ineffective seducers is that the
Effective Seducers know about those opportunities, and follow
through on them. In the late 1980s there was a trend for many grocery
stores to advertise "singles' nights." In many cities this turned
out to be an effective way for stores to profit and for men and
women to meet. At the time, this seemed like an outrageous idea.
Who would think that singles would meet at such a strange place?
Then it became a trend and not so out of the ordinary. The same is
true for many of the other places you find yourself in throughout
your day.

A Highly Successful Seducer always acts with
an outcome in mind


If you were cold-calling for your business, would you call up a
potential customer and not have any idea of what you were going to
say? If you wanted a raise, would you go into your boss's office and
have hours of meandering, meaningless conversation in the hopes
that a raise would "just happen"? Would you take a potential client
to seemingly random events and social occasions, hoping that for
some reason he would decide to make a purchase?

Of course you wouldn't. You'd always act with an outcome in
mind. If socializing or conversing were part of getting to your outcome,
of course you would socialize and talk. But you'd always have
in the back (or even near the front) of your mind the outcome you
wanted to produce. You'd do the things that brought you closer to
that outcome, and not do the things that had no impact or that might
even take you away from your goal.

That's what Highly Effective Seducers do. Successful seductions
are built on planning, and having outcomes in mind for every
step of the way. Where there is no planning, there is room for problems
and breakdowns.

Having an outcome before the date means that, when a man is

talking to a woman for the first time, he is focused on giving her
romantic feelings or getting her phone number. On the date, the outcome
may be to have sex. After the date, the outcome may be to see



44 ( Chapter Two

her again, to keep her feeling special and interested, or to move on.
You must always be asking yourself "what is my goal?" and "how do
I want her to be feeling?" If you want her to feel safe, you must
appear safe and not be too outrageous or scary. If you want her to
feel romantic , you must ask her romantic questions and do romantic
things. If you don't want her to feel disgusted, you must not burp,
make crude jokes or do other disgusting things.

If your goal is the first kiss, and you have that goal in mind, you
will automatically tend to choose activities and behaviors in line
with that goal. And step by step, your goals will be fulfilled.

Men who don't have an outcome in mind are at the whim of
circumstance and are bound to fail and most men fall into this category.
They go with the flow and want to "just see where things go."

As a man following the Habits of Highly Effective Seducers, you
know your outcome, and pursue it.

A Highly Successful Seducer always makes life work for him

You met her last week. Attractive, fit, blonde and in her mid20s.
You had fun talking together, she readily gave you her phone
number and agreed to meet for coffee. You arrive ten minutes early
and are all ready for her to show up. You are waiting at the time she
said she'd be there, waiting ten minutes past that time, and still waiting
30 minutes later. She still hasn't shown up. The question is, did
you make it work for you, or didn't you?

A man who makes life work for him has no difficulty in this situation.
He's brought some work to do, or some reading that is
important for him to complete. He set up the date at a place and
time convenient for him, so that if she didn't show up it wouldn't
wreck his day. He works and flirts with the other women at the coffee
shop and ends up having a good time anyway. After waiting 30
minutes, he left. When he calls the woman who didn't show—and
we'll show you the best way to do this in a later chapter- he's not
filled with unproductive resentment that she didn't keep her word.

He makes life work for him, and has a good time anyway.

A man who doesn't make life work for him is so astounded that
she said "yes" in the first place, that he bends over backwards to
meet her for the coffee date. He may have canceled something

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 45

important, rearranged his schedule, and come to an inconvenient
place to meet her. He'll have arrived ready to socialize and have no
backup plan in place for when she doesn't arrive. Even if she does
arrive, 40 minutes late, he's so angry and upset and humiliated that
he can't have a good time with her. He's made himself a victim by
not making life work for him.

This is a huge mistake that many of our students make. They
expect others, or their circumstances, to make life work for them.
The man who is victimized by his date not showing up was expecting
her to make the date work for him. As a result, he was a victim,
just as you will be if you leave making your life work for you in the
hands of other people.

Steve is a tall, balding man in his late 30s. He has an important
presentation to make at 8:00 am the next morning. It could make or
break his getting that big promotion. After wrapping up the final
details for his presentation he decides to go out with the guys for a
couple of drinks. It is now 9:00 pm, the bar seems really hopping.
Brenda, an attractive woman in a slinky tight silk dress, is giving him
a lot of attention. He dances with her and buys her drinks, Brenda
touches him, smiles, and even leans over off her bar stool to kiss him
lightly, pressing her breasts into him. "Finally," Steve thinks to himself,
"I'm finally gonna get lucky."

Unfortunately for Steve, Brenda has no intention of leaving
before closing time: 2:30 am. still three hours away. Steve is tantalized
with the prospect of sex dangling before him. He drinks and
dances with her until 2:30 am. Then she begs him to take her to an
after-hours party until 3:30 am. Finally, he gets her back to his apartment,
where they have sex until 6:00 am. Still drunk and exhausted,
on one hour of sleep, Steve gives a terrible presentation the next
morning. He doesn't get the promotion, and his boss's boss wonders
aloud what is wrong with him.

The answer is simple: Steve didn't make life work for him, at
least not in this situation. Once a woman comes on the scene, he
becomes a victim. He hopes her whims will allow his life to work and
that he will still get sex. He becomes a victim of his own unwillingness
to take control of his life. He is also blindsided with his own
urges and has no ability to prioritize the things in his life. He acts out
of desperation, not like a man with a plan.



44 / Chapter Two

her again, to keep her feeling special and interested, or to move on.
You must always be asking yourself "what is my goal?" and "how do
I want her to be feeling?" If you want her to feel safe, you must
appear safe and not be too outrageous or scary. If you want her to
feel romantic , you must ask her romantic questions and do romantic
things. If you don't want her to feel disgusted, you must not burp,
make crude jokes or do other disgusting things.

If your goal is the first kiss, and you have that goal in mind, you
will automatically tend to choose activities and behaviors in line
with that goal. And step by step, your goals will be fulfilled

Men who don't have an outcome in mind are at the whim of
circumstance and are bound to fail and most men fall into this category.
They go with the flow and want to "just see where things go."
As a man following the Habits of Highly Effective Seducers, you

know your outcome, and pursue it.

A Highly Successful Seducer always makes life work for him

You met her last week. Attractive, fit, blonde and in her mid20s.
You had fun talking together, she readily gave you her phone
number and agreed to meet for coffee. You arrive ten minutes early
and are all ready for her to show up. You are waiting at the time she
said she'd be there, waiting ten minutes past that time, and still waiting
30 minutes later. She still hasn't shown up. The question is, did

you make it work for you, or didn't you?
A man who makes life work for him has no difficulty in this situation.
He's brought some work to do, or some reading that is
important for him to complete. He set up the date at a place and
time convenient for him, so that if she didn't show up it wouldn't
wreck his day. He works and flirts with the other women at the cof


fee shoo and ends up having a good time anyway. After waiting 30
minutes, he left when he calls the woman who didn't show—and
we'll show you the best way to do this in a later chapter—he's not

filled with unproductive resentment that she didn't keep her word.
He makes life work for him, and has a good time anyway.

A man who doesn't make life work for him is so astounded that
she said "yes" in the first place, that he bends over backwards to
meet her for the coffee date. He may have canceled something

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 45

important, rearranged his schedule, and come to an inconvenient
place to meet her. He'll have arrived ready to socialize and have no
backup plan in place for when she doesn't arrive. Even if she does
arrive, 40 minutes late, he's so angry and upset and humiliated that
he can't have a good time with her. He's made himself a victim by
not making life work for him.

This is a huge mistake that many of our students make. They
expect others, or their circumstances, to make life work for them.
The man who is victimized by his date not showing up was expecting
her to make the date work for him. As a result, he was a victim,
just as you will be if you leave making your life work for you in the
hands of other people,

Steve is a tall, balding man in his late 30s. He has an important
presentation to make at 8:00 am the next morning. It could make or
break his getting that big promotion. After wrapping up the final
details for his presentation he decides to go out with the guys for a
couple of drinks. It is now 9:00 pm, the bar seems really hopping.
Brenda, an attractive woman in a slinky tight silk dress, is giving him
a lot of attention. He dances with her and buys her drinks, Brenda
touches him, smiles, and even leans over off her bar stool to kiss him
lightly, pressing her breasts into him. "Finally," Steve thinks to himself,
"I'm finally gonna get lucky."

Unfortunately for Steve, Brenda has no intention of leaving
before closing time: 2:30 am, still three hours away. Steve is tantalized
with the prospect of sex dangling before him. He drinks and
dances with her until 2:30 am. Then she begs him to take her to an
after-hours party until 3:30 am. Finally, he gets her back to his apartment,
where they have sex until 6:00 am. Still drunk and exhausted,
on one hour of sleep, Steve gives a terrible presentation the next
morning. He doesn't get the promotion, and his boss's boss wonders
aloud what is wrong with him.

The answer is simple: Steve didn't make life work for him, at
least not in this situation. Once a woman comes on the scene, he
becomes a victim. He hopes her whims will allow his life to work and
that he will still get sex. He becomes a victim of his own unwillingness
to take control of his life. He is also blindsided with his own
urges and has no ability to prioritize the things in his life. He acts out
of desperation, not like a man with a plan.



46 I Chapter Two

When Robert, who's worked with us, finds himself in the same
situation, his choices are easy. He knows that for life to work for him
he must leave the bar by ll:00pm, whether or not there's a woman
on his arm. He tells Brenda he has to leave, and she's disappointed.
He tells her he'd love to see her again, and gets her phone number.
He leaves, gets to bed early, and aces his presentation the next morning.
He gets the raise, and is so pumped up by his success that he
goes out that night and picks up another woman and has sex with

her all night. Plus, he still has Brenda's number to call later!

The difference between Steve and Robert is that Robert is
committed to making his life work for him, while Steve isn't. Steve
might say he is, but the possibility of sex makes him throw away his

control over his life. If we observe both of them we can see that
Steve is more committed to being a victim of his circumstances and
to instant satisfaction than he is to long-term gain. Robert sets his
intention and moves toward it. He's leaving the bar by 11:00 pm,
because he knows that's what it'll take to make his presentation
work. His presentation is his top priority. He knows a night of
drunken sex isn't worth risking the raise he's been working on for
three months. Robert is an Effective Seducer. Steve is not.
Do you make life work for you in every situation, or are you
willing to throw away control of your life when there's a possibility
for sex? Highly Effective Seducers set up their lives so that they get
the kind of life they want, whether women are in the picture or not.
They count on themselves to make their lives work, rather than
counting on women. As a result they are happier, more in control of
their lives, more successful, and more attractive to women.
It is said that sex is the world's most expensive commodity. It
often seems that way, for men. Men's need for sex topples empires,
loses them jobs, gets them landed in jail. If you've ever done some


thing that hurt your long-term best interests in order to pursue the
possibility of sex, then you are not making your life work for you. If
you've ever felt like a victim in your interactions with women you've
dated or tried to date, then you too haven't been making life work
for you. In both situations you haven't been a Highly Effective

Seducer.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 47

This habit of Effective Seducers branches beyond dating. Men
who are committed to always making life work for them are always
asking themselves how they can improve their experience of any situation.
If an Effective Seducer is on a business trip and gets caught
in an airport for a four-hour layover, he doesn't whine about it—or
if he does, he gets it over with quickly. He asks himself, "How can I
make this work for me?" and he keeps on asking until he comes up
with an answer that works for him. He may make calls that need to
be made. He may set up his laptop and get some work done. He may
find the airport bookshop and find a book he's been meaning to
read. He may even call phone sex on his cell phone from an empty
bathroom stall,
A man who always makes life work for him is willing to be outrageous
to have that happen. He wants a life that he lives fully. When
caught in the airport, he may set himself the goal of flirting with ten
women and getting one to have sex with him. He may call an exlover
who lives in the town he's stuck in, and try to seduce her. He
decides the quality of experience he's going to have, and creates his
life to achieve it.
If you are going to be a man who has a life that works, you must
do this, too. Here are some of the questions a Highly Effective
Seducer constantly asks himself:

* How can I make this experience work for me?
* What quality of experience am I committed to having, no
matter what happens?
* What can I do, right now, to create that experience for
myself?
* What's most important to me in this situation?
* How can I get that?
* What would make this situation most fun?
By asking yourself these questions, and committing to making
life work for you rather than counting on women to do it for you,
you will become the kind of man women are most attracted to.


48 I Chapter Two

A Highly Successful Seducer is never a prospect's

therapist or friend

Pop quiz: The best way to get a woman to desire you sexually is

to help solve her problems, listen to her difficulties, and to prove

yourself to be an excellent friend. True or false?

Every Highly Effective Seducer we studied knew that this

statement is false. Being a woman's therapist, confidant, or pal is one

of the worst ways of getting a woman in bed. In fact, if you are a

woman's therapist, confidant or pal, you almost certainly destroy

your chances with her sexually. While you may want to have women

as pals on your own time, if the woman is a prospective sex partner,

this could be the death blow.

The Therapist ploy. The man who tries to get sex by being a

women's therapist thinks that if he solves her emotional problems

then she'll naturally want to have sex with him. He bases this faulty

reasoning on the fact that if an attractive woman solved his prob


lems, he'd want to have sex with her. Given the fact that he'd prob


ably want to have sex with an attractive woman even if she added to

his problems, his logic doesn't make sense.

Gary is a man who tries to seduce women by being their free

therapist. He was very attracted to Diane, as any man would be; she

was blonde and bouncy and smart and large-breasted and every


thing he was looking for in a woman.

But Diane had problems. She'd had a difficult childhood, and it
seemed like she always dated men who ended up being jerks to her.
Sometimes she was happy and sometimes she was miserable. Her
problems gave Gary something to talk with her about, and he secretly
decided that he could get her in bed if he solved her problems.
She'd see how wonderful he was, and reward him with sex. He took

on being her personal therapist.
So Gary listened to Diane's problems, and gave her wonderful
advice. Then he listened to more to her problems and gave her more
advice. He thought about her problems all the tune, figuring out
innovative solutions. He talked to his friends about how difficult she
was, how she didn't seem to want to change. Gary encouraged her to
call him in the middle of the night if she had nightmares and she
did. Gary was certain that he was getting closer to her, and that she

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 49

would soon be his. After all, they were so intimate. She called him all
the time!
Gary's plan fell apart when he took Diane to a party where he
noticed she was very flirty with lots of other men. One of his male
friends told him later that she had said to him, "You know, it's odd.
I want to have sex with every man in this room, except for Gary!"
She ended up going home with Gary's best friend. He was devastated
that she didn't desire him. He couldn't figure it out. After all, hadn't
he helped her solve her problems?
This is a common story of ineffective seducers. When a man discusses
a woman's problems with her, she associates him with her
problems. Even if he manages to come up with solutions, he's still
the last person who saw her with them. Either way, she'll want to get
away from him. Effective Seducers know that women are attracted
to men who take them into a different, romantic world, in which
they seem to have no problems, and feel wonderful. If a prospective
lover shares her problems with an Effective Seducer he may listen,
but he will never offer solutions. He'll distract her from her problems
by being charming and exciting, and get her feeling the way he
wants her to feel, and continue the seduction.
When Jake, a Highly Effective Seducer, meets a woman like
Diane, he handles her completely differently. He doesn't take the
bait of talking about her problems. Instead, he sets up romantic
experiences that blow her mind, and make her associate being with
him with feelings of pleasure and attraction. (We'll show you how to
do this in a later chapter.) She wants to be with him because he's
exciting, not because he's a good therapist. He may even cause problems
for her, and she'll put up with it, and keep wanting to see him.
She'll complain about him to someone like Gary, but she won't be
able to wait to see him again. All because Jake knows not to become
her therapist,

The "Friend"ploy. The man who tries to get into a woman's
pants by being her friend fails with women just as much as the man
who tries to be her therapist. As we will discuss later, women we've
interviewed have told us that they often decide if a man will be a
lover or a friend in the first two minutes after meeting him. Once
you are in the "friend" category, it's very difficult to get out. Donnie



50 / Chapter Two

was friends with Kathy, whom he met at a personal growth seminar.
She thought of him as a friend, and often told him so. He wanted to
be her lover, but every time he pursued it, she'd say things like "1
like you, but I don't want to spoil our wonderful friendship," or "I
just don't feel that way about you. You're more like a brother to
me." Effective Seducers understand that if a woman is a prospective
lover, a man must avoid being her friend, and let her know about his
romantic interest right away. When Jerome, a Highly Effective
Seducer, meets a woman like Cathy, he shows his interest right away,
as we'll show you how to do in this book. By doing this, he puts himself
in the lover, or at least potential lover, category, avoiding the
trap of friendship altogether. While Donnie is stuck in the "friend"
category, Jerome has a foundation he can build his seduction upon,
without her being able to object that romance might spoil their
friendship. After all, they never had a friendship in the first place.

Women can be great friends if you have no sexual interest in
them. If you are interested in a woman as a lover, take a cue from
the Highly Effective Seducers: Don't be her friend or her therapist!

A Highly Successful Seducer is always willing to walk away
from the seduction or from the woman

Have you ever seen a man totally at the beck and call of a
woman, and miserable about it? Have you ever been that guy who
is so dependent on a woman that you've forgotten what you are
about and what your boundaries are? Have you ever felt "taken" by
a woman?

Once the relationship starts, many men tend to give a woman
everything she wants and sacrifice their self-respect in hopes of getting
a steady supply of sex. Men often stay in unsatisfying relationships
because they don't see any way out. Or they think no other
woman will put up with or love them. As a result, they stay in relationships,
sometimes for years, miserable and knowing that they
should break it off, but somehow never mustering the courage to do

so.

Ed, a 30-year-old social worker, dated Pam, a modern dancer,
for six years. She came from a wealthy family and paid the rent on
their apartment, Ed became semi-dependent on Pam during the

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers / 51

four years they lived together. They were even engaged during the
last year.
At first, he explained, "things seemed so exciting, and the sex
was great. She would often prance around the house in her sexy leotards
and we would cherish the nights we had at home." Later, she
withheld sex and demanded that he do all the housework because
she was paying the rent. He felt trapped in the relationship. He worried
that no other woman would love him, and besides, he was
dependent on her. He didn't like doing all the work, and didn't pursue
his interests in the meantime, but somehow he couldn't turn
down her requests.
Highly Effective Seducers are willing to cut off relationships
with women if they don't work for them. If you are not willing to
leave the relationship, you no longer have any power or say in what
happens. If you aren't willing to walk away she will assume that she
can walk all over you. A woman, like anyone else, will try to take as
much as she can from you if you don't show her the bottom line.
The same principle can be applied in business situations. A man
who isn't willing to quit when things become intolerable is at the
whim of everyone's opinions and desires. He probably doesn't
advance at his job or ask for what he wants because he is so busy
being subservient to others that he ignores going for what he wants.
The willingness to walk gives a man confidence in himself in any situation,
especially with women.
This book will show you how to stay in the drivers seat and get
sex whether you are in a committed relationship or not. If you don't
want a girlfriend or a committed relationship, you must learn the
power of being willing to walk away. If you want a committed relationship,
you must be willing to walk away from women who do not
seem like the type you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Being willing to walk integrates a hard bottom line attitude
while not being cruel. It is not a personal attack on her. In fact you
are really saying, "I want 'x.' You can either produce that or I'll
replace you." A Successful Seducer knows what he wants and cuts to
chase, saving himself and the woman time and energy. A man
is willing to walk away, even from sex, is respected and cannot
taken off the course he has set for his life.


52 / Chapter Two

If Ed had known about our ideas, he could have ended the relationship
with Pam much earlier and would have been able to create
relationships he wanted with other women.

A Highly Successful Seducer makes it look like he's not

working on the romance

What is the one difference between seducing a woman and
having a job? At work you need to look as if you are working—in
fact, the harder you look as if you are working, the better it is. The
Highly Effective Seducer knows that when seducing a woman, the
opposite is true: when you are with a woman, you absolutely must
make everything look easy, even if you worked hard to set up the
perfect romantic evening, or even if you hunted for hours to find the
perfect little romantic gift.

One of our students, for example, spent two weeks searching
for a T-shirt for Rachel, the woman he was pursuing. He knew she
would love the shirt and it would lead to a "reward" of some sort.
When he gave it to her at an unexpected moment she threw her
arms around him and gave him a huge passionate kiss. The response
was better than he could have imagined. Had he told her that he
only bought it just to charm her, to make her feel romantic, and that
he methodically looked for it for weeks, she wouldn't have been so
happy.

A common bonehead mistake an ineffective seducer makes is
that he expects a woman to acknowledge and thank him for all the
work he's done in seducing her. This is suicide. A woman will rarely,
if ever, acknowledge that you have pursued her, called her, created
good feelings for her, risked rejection in asking her out, risked rejection
in touching her for the first time, kissing her, and every other
initiation that you've made. After all, the seduction is happening
effortlessly for her, isn't it? It must be effortless! You will be happier
to not even expect a woman to understand what you have gone
through to make the romance seem effortless. She won't appreciate
it anyway. It is best to boast to your friends about your seduction
schemes, rather than to your date.

Bringing up the fact that you are putting in effort that she isn't
appreciating will offend her. Look at it this way: she expects

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers I 53

romance to happen, and the last thing she wants is a guy plotting
how to get her. If you tell her about the work you are doing to
seduce her, you break the magic spell, and she will accuse you of
treating her like an object, not really caring about her as a person,
manipulating her to get sex, and she will be angrier than you can
possibly imagine.

On a recent date with Jennifer, Bob idiotically admitted to her
that he believed dating is a matter of "constructing a meticulous
plan to charm and romance a woman." They got into an argument
about the merits of planning out dates versus "just going with the
flow," Bob went on to admit that he believed that romance was "just
a matter of working hard enough to get a woman into a sexual
mood." To make things even worse, he admitted that he had put lots
of thought into his last date with Jennifer—the date on which they
ended up kissing in front of his fireplace while her favorite band
played on the stereo. Jennifer was shocked and offended that he had
worked to set that up. She thought it had "just happened," She
became so angry and upset with Bob that she made him leave her
apartment and told him that she never wanted to see him again.

When Bob opened up his big mouth and wanted Jennifer to
acknowledge the work he had done to seduce her, he made a number
of horrid mistakes. First, as you will see later, fighting with a
woman will not lead to sex. It usually leads to more trouble. Second,
Bob didn't realize that women will not understand that sex and dating
is work. While he was correct in realizing it was work, she would
never understand this. In fact, she responded appropriately. No one
wants to feel manipulated. To admit planning out a date will be misconstrued
by a woman as manipulation. Last, Bob expected to be
acknowledged for all the work and energy he put into the seduction
dates he created with Jennifer. When he talked about it he bit off
more conflict than he could possibly chew, and it wrecked his
chances with Jennifer,

Do what the Effective Seducers do. Make it look like you're
not working, and the women you desire will be yours!


chapter three...
The Elements
of Style:
Dress
and Confidence


What kind of woman do you want? What's most important to
you in a woman? Is it that she be tall, or short? That she have wonderful
breasts? That she be blonde, or brunette? That she be smart,
or rich? What exactly do you want?

These may seem like confrontational questions. For men who
are living in a sexual desert, the answer may well be "any woman at
all"! Strange as it may seem, you'll have better chances of getting a
woman if you are looking for one with specific qualities than you
will if you are looking for any woman at all. So we ask again, what
kind of woman do you want?

Most men to whom we ask this question go a little nuts at first.
They get like the proverbial kid in a candy shop. "Nineteen years old
with perfect skin and a model's body," one man says. "She's aggressively
bisexual, and loves sex," "A Victoria's Secret model," says
another. "She's so rich, I quit my job and she supports me. We have
sex twenty hours a day, every day she's not working! And she sets
me up with other supermodels, too!"

When they are allowed to ponder the question, however,
most guys calm their desires down. They don't really want to date
19-teen-year-olds, but they do want to date women who are young
and very attractive. They don't really want to date Victoria's Secret


56 I

Chapter Three

models, and quit their jobs. What they do want is women who are

more beautiful, more sexual, and more intelligent than they've ever

been with before. The supermodel fantasy is just the expression of

that desire. The bottom line is that most men don't really desire the

extremes, but they do desire women who are "out of their league."

So think about it. What kind of woman do you really want?

Most men dream about women they wouldn't really want, and end

up getting women they would never dream about and don't partic


ularly desire. We want you to get women you would dream about,

and want in real life. So let yourself dream, let yourself imagine the

kind of women you want. Think "out of your league." What do you

get?

Most men we asked desire women who are extremely attractive,
young, intelligent, mature, and who love sex. They want women
who have a great sense of style, who are confident and outgoing,
who take care of their bodies, and who are not snobby or overly
obsessed with their own comfort. They want women who fulfill their
particular physical desires: great legs, or large breasts, or long hair,
or perfect butts. Men usually find they desire women who are well
above the level of the women they have been dating, but not actually
superstars, or supermodels.

There's an old saying, "If you don't have any destination in
mind, any road will take you there." You really have to decide what
you want in a woman to make use of the information in this chapter
to find out what you need to do—what roads to take—to get her.

Once you have an idea of what you want, here's the next step:
Think about the kind of woman you desire. Think about her style,
her grace, her beauty. Now ask yourself: "If I were to have a woman
like this, what kind of a man would I have to be?"

This question is crucial because it will guide you in your quest.
What kind of a man would you have to be to have the kind of
women you desire? The first mistake men make in answering this
question is that they think they would have to be more than they
could ever possibly be. They doom themselves, with answers like "to
have the women I really desire, I'd have to be a millionaire," or "to
have the women I really desire, I'd have to be a professional basketball
player." Or, they come up with criteria that doom them from
a physical standpoint: "to have the woman I desire, I'd have to be

The Elements 0f Style Dress and Confidence I 57

taller," or "to have the woman I desire, I'd have to be more handsome,"
or "to have the women I desire, I'd have to be younger," or
"to have the woman I desire, I'd have to not have [whatever you
think is wrong with you."

That's all nonsense. You don't have to be fundamentally different
from what you are to get the women you desire. You don't have
to be richer, or taller, or better looking. Look: the truth about
women is very simple. You can have the woman you desire if you
can make her feel the romantic feelings she most wants to feel.
When we ask "what would you have to be like to have the women
you desire," we are simply asking you to think about the parts of
yourself you'll have to accentuate if you are to make the women you
desire feel romantically about you.

The second mistake men make in answering this question is
that they decide that they have to become somebody they are not,
fake men, supermen. They imagine they'll have to become basically
different from what they honestly are. They think they'll have to
become James Bond, or some sort of a "tough guy" action hero who
they really aren't. They think that to get women, they'll have to
betray themselves. They are afraid of trying to be who they aren't,
and for good reason. Most men who approach women trying to be
completely different from who they basically are come across like
Saturday Night Live's "Wild and Crazy Guys," trying to look hip for
the "foxes," but really just looking like fools. As you'll see in this
chapter, you'll need to stretch yourself, but not betray yourself

When you think about the kind of man you'll have to be to get
the kind of woman you desire, what kind of answers do you get?
Most men we work with say things like Ken did: "Well, I'd have to
be more confident, and talkative with women, I think. And I'd have
to look sharper, too, I think... If I'm going to be with a woman who
looks and dresses as hot as I'd like her to, I'd probably have to be fit
and wear clothes that look good on me, too. Hm, I might have to
clean my car, and what about my house? I'd probably have to put
those pictures up, and water the plants more often, if I'm going to be
the kind of guy who gets the woman I desire."

Most men discover that while they don't need to be different
from who they really are, they do need to develop who they are
more thoroughly. They find that they need to develop their Personal


58 / Chapter Three

Style which has two parts: style, that is, how you dress, and confidence,
how you behave. While you don't have to change who you are
as a person, you will probably find you have to change how you
express who you are—your personal style—if you want to get the
woman of your dreams.

WHY HAVE PERSONAL STYLE?

Bob doesn't want to change anything about himself to get
women. He's sure that if he changes his looks or his behavior in any
way, he'll be "being fake." "I want a woman to like me the way I
am!" he asserts. Many men tell us things like "If only women could
know me, I'm sure they'd want to be with me." But, for some reason,
the women they'd like to know never seem to want to know them.
When we examine how these men dress and their level of confidence,
we find again and again that they dress and behave in ways
that put women off.

Sidney was one of these men. Very proud of the fact that he
always did things his own way, he called himself "a maverick" and "a
rebel." He liked to wear torn-up clothes that looked terrible: his
favorite sweatshirt was so shredded that he had replaced one of the
sleeves with an old pant leg from a pair of jeans. His clothes were
not only torn up. but wrinkled and torn up. He prided himself on not
owning a clothes dryer, and proudly said "I will never iron a shirt!"
He didn't care at all about how he looked, and was surprised that
women who did care about how he looked were never interested in
him. Day after day he looked terrible, and day after day he wasn't
attractive to the women he desired. Strangely, day after day he was
surprised by this fact.

He fared little better in his confidence, that is, his behaviors
with women. As we worked with him, we discovered that he worried
his way through every interaction with attractive women. He was
always asking himself, "What am I doing wrong? Am I offending
her? What if she doesn't like me? Am I scaring her?" He never had
any idea about what to say to women, and often ended up sputtering
and apologizing for "bothering" them. His confidence was terrible,
and he never varied his approach. Day after day he approached

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence ( 59

women in the same ineffective, apologetic way, and day after day he
wasn't attractive to the women he desired. Again, day after day he
was surprised by this fact.

The funny thing was, Sidney was obviously a great guy. He was
well read, well educated, and a great cook. He was a marathon runner,
in great shape, and had a lot of interesting ideas. He'd obviously
make a wonderful companion, and any woman who was with him
would be lucky. But Sidney had a fatal flaw that left him helpless
with women: he was unwilling to change anything about his dress or
approach. As we said before, a person is insane when he does the
same things over and over, and expects different results than he got
before. This is exactly what Sidney was doing, and it is what many
men, quite possibly you included, do as well.

Think about it. When you have not had the success you've
wanted with women, have you tried changing your looks and behavior?
We are willing to bet that you probably haven't. Like Sidney,
you've probably done what you always do, and not known any different
approaches to try. As a result you've behaved insanely, doing
the same things over and over with women, expecting each time that
perhaps, through sheer luck, something better would happen.

As we taught Sidney the material in this chapter, he began to
change. He began to see that, rather than needing to be someone
other than who he was, he needed to develop his personal style and
confidence to better express who he really was. He learned, as you
will learn, that his dress and confidence were ways of expressing
himself more fully and attractively, not of hiding or being fake. And
as he started developing his personal style and confidence, he began
to be the man he'd have to be to get the women he wanted.

DEFINING YOUR STYLE

As we said before, women are attracted to men who make
them feel the romantic feelings they so desire. Don't be fooled by
the simplicity of this statement; teaching you how to make women
feel romantically inclined is the fundamental goal of this book and
should be your primary goal as well in all your interactions with
them. Everything you can do toward this end, you must do.


60 I Chapter Three

Your style—how you dress and your level of confidence—is
the first thing a woman sees about you. You must make it work for
long-term outcome. You must make your style automatically generate
romantic feelings in the women you encounter.

Your personal style is your unique expression. It's your first
"advertisement" to the world about who you are and what you are
about. Through your style, you tell people what is important to you.
Your style is a reflection of your passion.

THE COMMITMENT OF STYLE

Would you go to a job interview in your workout gear? Would
you show up at your job wearing torn, dirty, or even smelly clothes?
Would you wear a suit and tie to play in your local softball league?
Or wear swim trunks on a business trip? Of course not.

The simple fact is that different activities have different uniforms,
if you want to be successful at a job interview, you invest the
time and money in getting the right outfit for it. If you want to look
professional at your job, you invest the time and money in getting
the right clothes for it. And if you are playing softball on the local
team, you don't wear a suit and tie; you wear the clothes that are

proper for the activity.
Your life pursuit is now "getting women." If you are serious
about this, you will invest time and money in getting the right
clothes for the job. Because every day, every interaction you have
with women will be a "job interview" of sorts, you need to wear
clothes that are attractive for the job.
What, exactly, those clothes will be will vary from man to man.
A man who is a mechanic, for instance, will express his style through
clothes that are different from those of an executive. But both men,
if they wish to be successful, will make the commitment to thinking
about how they look to women every single day,
Our level of success with women skyrocketed when we first
understood the importance of proper dress when meeting them. We
each developed "dating uniforms" which we knew would make us
into the kind of men we'd have to be to get the kind of women we
desired into bed. We became willing to spend the time and money

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 61

getting the right clothes and keeping them clean, pressed, and
ended. This simple commitment has made all the difference in our
level of success with women.

WHAT YOU SAY WITH HOW YOU DRESS

A wise person once said "I've never met a person who wasn't
carefully costumed." We agree. No matter how you are dressed right
now, on some level you have chosen your outfit because it makes a
statement you want to make. Sidney, in our example above, wore
torn clothes as a way of saying that he was a rebel and a maverick.
On a subconscious level, it was more important to Sidney to show
what a rebel he was than it was for him to get women.

When women look at how you dress, it makes a statement to
them. To women, Sidney's way of dressing said "I want you to look
good, but I'm not willing to look good in return." Not surprisingly,
women were not very attracted to this. Other men make other statements.
One of our clients, Ray, was an older man who had been having
trouble getting dates for many years. He wore garish, brightly
colored clothes that clashed with each other, and from a stylistic perspective,
looked terrible. His ex-wife told him he "made a mockery
of style." On top of this, he rarely bothered to bathe or shave, so he
often smelled bad. On a subconscious level, by wearing clothes
women wouldn't like, Ray was constantly saying "Go to Hell!" to
women. He was saying this to his mother, to women in his life now,
and to every woman he'd ever felt controlled by. He would complain
about how women didn't like how he dressed, and wouldn't date
him, but as we got to know him, we saw that it was more important
to him to insult women's sensibilities than it was for him to get sex.
Because of his style, his mere presence offended women. And he
wondered why he couldn't get women into bed!

Men like Sidney make less bold, but still destructive statements
to women through the way they dress. At best, they send the message
"I don't care about how I look," and at worst, "I'm immature
and you don't want to go out with me." When it's more important to
Sidney to show what a rebel he is than to get the women he desires,
women end up thinking "He's immature, and not a real man."


62 I Chapter Three

Other men make more constructive statements to women
through the way they dress. Think about some men you know, or
have seen, whose style of dress is attractive to women. You might
think of John Travolta, playing the character Chili Palmer in the film
Get Shorty. He always looked good, wore clothes that fit, and had a
style that fit him. His style said "I'm an attractive man who knows
what he's about, I'm not stuck in making some immature statement.
You want me in your life." This is what you want to say, too,

As we worked with Sidney, he changed his style and thereby
changed what he was saying to women. He realized that saying he
was a rebel was not as important as being attractive to women. He
decided that, in order to be the kind of man that got the kind of
women he wanted, he'd have to have a style of dress that said "I'm
an attractive, mature man," rather than making a teenage statement
of rebellion. He made the changes, as you'll learn to do in this chapter,
and immediately noticed improvements in his relationships with
the opposite sex.

What does your way of dressing say to women? Does it say that
you are mature, attractive, in love with your life, confident, and of
interest to her? Or does your way of dressing send out a more immature
message? Let's find out.

WOMEN DO IT!

Focusing on your style may be new to men, but there's one
group of people it's not new to: women. Almost all women spend
time thinking about how they look to men, and spend a lot of time
trying to improve their attractiveness. Heck, they even put paint on
their faces to make themselves look better! We're not suggesting
you go that far, but since women spend time thinking about how
they look to the other sex, perhaps spending a little time on it yourself
is not so unreasonable.

Women actually set an encouraging example. How many
women do you know who look noticeably more attractive "done up
right" than they do when they don't think about how they look?
Probably most. One woman we know, Cindy, is on the low end of
average looking when she's wearing torn-up, poorly fitted house-

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 63

clothes, and her hair is a mess. However, when she makes herself up,
does her hair, and puts on attractive clothes she looks great. If you
are going to get the women you most desire in bed, you must learn
to accomplish the same kind of transformation.

THE THREE HELPERS THAT
MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER


If you are like most men (and you probably are, right?) you
aren't going to be able to transform your style of dressing without
help. We will go over the basics in this chapter, but to really create a
transformation in how you look, you'll also need help from other
people.

1. Stylish Men
We suggest you look around for the resources you already have
to help you develop your style. Who do you know who has a great
sense of style? Approach stylish men you know, and ask them for
advice. Ask them where they shop for clothes, and where they get
their hair cut. Then go to those places and ask the sales clerks to help
you with a "new look." They'll often suggest clothing you wouldn't
normally get for yourself, but that your style could "grow into."

2. Women
Another intelligent way to shop is to find a stylish woman who
you are not interested in sexually, and ask her to go shopping with
you. One of our students had a tremendous experience the first time
he did this. He went to Cindy, the woman mentioned above, and
asked her to go shopping with him. He knew she had an extraordinary
sense of style, but also wasn't interested in her sexually, so it
wouldn't matter if they became friends. She had only one requirement:
he must promise to buy everything she told him to until the
three hundred dollars he'd set aside for clothing was gone. It turned
out she gave him great advice, and some of the hardest purchases to
make, such as spending fifty dollars on a tie, turned out to be some
of the best. For months he got compliments from women on how


64 / Chapter Three

great he looked, all because he was willing to commit himself to
looking good. "It was hard at first," he said later. "A lot of the clothes
she told me to buy, I didn't really want. But it turned out to be great,
and did a lot to help me create my personal style."

3. Male Friends
It's good to go clothes shopping with other men who are also
developing their personal style. The right men friends can encourage
you to take fashion risks.

In time you will develop relationships with stores you like, where
you know you can trust the clerks to suggest new style ideas that will
both express your true self and make you even more attractive to
women. One of our students who often wears a cowboy hat that looks
great on nun got the hat that way. "I'd never considered a hat like that
before," he says, "But when the clerk brought it over and set it on my
head, it looked great. I knew right away it was right for me, and I
never would have found it by myself." As you buy more clothes, you
will discover what you really like, and what kinds of clothes really
make the kind of statement you want to make to women.

THE FOUR RULES OF CLOTHING

Most men are "clothes blind." They don't see dirt in the same
way women do, and they don't think about style as much. Here are
the basic rules about clothes that men need to learn.

First and foremost, clothes must fit well! It doesn't matter how
great a shirt is if it looks ill-fitting. It doesn't matter how much a pair
of pants has been marked down if it pulls into a pronounced
"starfish" shape where the legs meet the crotch. Simple clothing that
fits well is far better than fancier clothing that just "doesn't look
right,"

If you are interested in pursuing a casual ragged, torn-up clothing
look, proper fitting is the difference between looking sexy and
looking like a slob. Next time you see a man or a woman who looks
great in the torn-up style, notice how well the clothes fit them. You'll
notice they fit perfectly, which is why the style works.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 65

Some clothing stores are better for the average man than are
others. If you are a bit overweight, some of the more hip and upscale
stores may not have clothes that fit you well. Very often one store

will have an entire line of pants, for instance, that don't fit you well.
It's just the way their clothes are cut. Another store, on the other
hand, might have a wide variety of pants that fit you. It's a good idea
to keep shopping around until you find a store where the clothes fit,
they look good, and the salespeople help you expand your style.

How do you know when clothes don't fit well? Often, the salespeople
will tell you, though you can't count on that. The men you are
shopping with can also tell you. The bottom line is simply this: if you
don't feel that the clothes fit, they don't. Don't waste your money,
and move on to the next piece.

The second rule of clothing is that clothes must be clean!
Because most men are "clothes blind," and can't seem to tell when
clothes need laundering, let's briefly go over how you know when
it's time to wash something.

* If it's underwear, and you've worn it more than once, wash it.
* For shirts and pants, you can be more discriminating. To tell if
shirts and pants are dirty, look at them under bright light. Are
there any spots or stains? If there are, rub the spot with stain
remover (buy it where you buy detergent), and wash. Pants
also need laundering when they start to get baggy and wrinkled.
Blue jeans are especially susceptible to stretching and
getting baggy. When this happens, it's time to wash them.
The third rule of clothing is that clothes shouldn't be wrinkled!

Yes, you might have to iron your shirts and pants, or have them

ironed. Think about it: you are more attracted to women who are

wearing clothes that aren't wrinkled and sloppy. Women are no dif


ferent. Of course, not all clothes need ironing, but if you want to

send a message to attractive women that you are the kind of man

they want, ironing may be required. Having your shirts and pants

laundered professionally is also a possibility for men who can afford

it and don't want to iron.

The fourth rule of clothing is that you must keep clothing in

good repair! Look under "Seamstress" in the local Yellow Pages, and


66 I Chapter Three

get buttons sewed back on, holes patched and rips mended right
away.
Wearing clean, well-fitting, ironed clothes that are in good
repair has multiple benefits. Not only do you look good, you also feel
good. Your style of dressing will naturally send out the message to
women that you are attractive, together, and of interest to her.

THE 13-POINTBODY MAKEOVER FOR BEING
ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN


By working with men like Sidney, we've developed a 13-point

"body makeover" that focuses men's attention on the particulars of

their look. We'll start at the top of your body and work down, giving

you time-tested style pointers along the way to guarantee that you

will look attractive to women.

Bobby came to us because the women he was attracted to didn't
seem to be attracted to him. He was 28 years old and thin and
wirey. He was a gifted computer system administrator, and had a
style that could best be described as "lazy hippie." His hair was long
and unkempt, and his beard was unruly. He had thick-framed glasses
that looked old, and he seemed to have to squint a lot to see
through them. He wore T-shirts under untucked, unbuttoned buttondown
shirts, and a variety of old jeans and beat-up sneakers. As we
worked with Bobby, it became clear that, through his dress, he was
telling women "I'm still a boy. I'm not good enough for you." We
took Bobby through our 13-point makeover, and changed his message
to women to "I'm together and interesting, and you'd like to
talk to me." Here's how we did it:

1. Hair
Bobby looked like a "wild man" when we first met him. His
hair was long and shaggy, and it looked like he hadn't had a haircut,
or even combed his hair, in months.

Hair has to be taken care of to look good: the movie stars who
seem to have rumpled, disorderly hair actually spend a fortune in
time and money to get it to look "just so." While short hair doesn't
always look better than long, many men who have long hair used to

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 67

look good with it, but, now that they are getting older, don't anymore.
We determined that Bobby looked good with long hair as a
teenager, but should try a shorter, more orderly style now. He got a
new. shorter haircut, which immediately made him look more professional
and, we thought, more in charge of his life,

He also learned to style his hair, something he had resisted for
years. He discovered that, for his hair to look best, he needed to
blow-dry it with styling gel after washing it, which he began doing on
a near-daily basis. He began using conditioner to make it fuller and
softer. He noticed an immediate change in his life; women seemed
more interested in him. He decided that, in view of the newfound
feminine attention, having to use a blow-dryer was not such a big
problem.

It's important that your hair look good. It should not be greasy,
out-of-control, and you should not have dandruff. Go to a real hair
stylist, and get a look that is good for you. Men who are balding have
several options. Even if you are balding, your hair can still look
good and be styled well. Just watch out for the trap balding men
fall into of combing just a few hairs across the bald top of their
heads. It doesn't work and women, especially, find it unattractive.
Just remember Star Trek's bald Captain Picard, and let your bald
head shine.

We've also known balding men who have created a powerful,
attractive look by keeping their heads shaven. Admittedly, it takes
some guts to do this, but if you have an attractive skull, it can really
look good.

2. Eyebrows/Earhair/Nose hair
Most men don't have a problem with their eyebrows, but it
makes sense to check yours and be sure. Some men's eyebrows grow
very long and need to be trimmed. Several of our students have gray
hairs in their eyebrows that grow, if unhindered, to an inch long or
longer. These men must pluck or trim these hairs on a regular basis.

Ear hair and nose hair must be trimmed regularly. You might
not notice if this hair grows long, and your male friends might not
notice, but women you find attractive will You can use little scissors
or special trimmers to trim these hairs at least once every two weeks.


68 / Chapter Three

Hair should not protrude from the nose or ears. Stray hairs growing
on your ears should also be trimmed.

3. Glasses
Like many men, Bobby wore glasses. His looked old, scratched,
and he seemed to need to squint to see through them. We sent him
to his optometrist to get his prescription updated, then accompanied
him to find the right pair of frames.

If you wear glasses, choosing the right frames is very important.
The bad news is, really stylish frames can cost two or three hundred
dollars. The good news is that having to wear glasses is a great
opportunity to choose frames that will enhance your attractiveness
noticeably. It's worth shopping around for the frames that look the
best on your face. Go to high-end stores as well as the cheaper ones.
Every woman who sees you will see your glasses, so it's worth getting
ones that really look great.

4. Snorting and phlegm
Brian had a problem. He was attractive and dressed well, but
always seemed to need to clear his throat, and spit. He became so
used to this that he hardly even knew he did it anymore, but every
time he'd take a big snorting inhale, women noticed, and didn't want
to be around him.

Women find snorting and spitting of phlegm very revolting. We
know you find it disgusting too, but take it from us, what you feel is
nothing compared to how women feel about it. If you find that you
have problems with phlegm, you must find out why, and solve them.
Many people who have excess phlegm have allergies to dairy foods,
and find it clears up if they avoid milk products or take enzymes to
help them digest lactose. If you have these problems, seek professional
help and get the phlegm cleared up, or the message you'll
send to women is "I'm disgusting. Stay away from me."

5. Facial hair
Bobby had a beard, and, at first, we suggested that he try shaving
it off. Unless a beard is well-kept and trimmed regularly, it won't

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 69

be attractive on most men. We thought Bobby's beard made him
look like a slob, so we suggested he shave it off.
While many men look better without beards, Bobby wasn't one

of them. "My God," he said after he shaved it off. "I look like those
newspaper pictures of Dave Barry!" We agreed that it wasn't the
right look for him, and he grew in a short, well-trimmed beard that
went with his hair, and looked great on him.

The biggest problem men have with beards is that they let them
get too wild. Pick a style, and keep the beard neat. The biggest problem
women tell us that they have with men's beards is that the
beards tend to get scratchy. If you do have a beard, be sure to use
conditioner on it to keep it soft,

6. Lips
And speaking of soft, if you plan to be kissing women, you
need to keep your lips soft. If they are rough women will notice,
and not want to kiss you. We know it seems petty, but it's true.
Remember, when you are first dating a woman, she has you on probation.
Sure, you're exciting, but dating you also puts her at risk of
emotional entanglements and getting hurt. While you are thinking
of how great it's going to be to have sex with her, she's looking for a
reason to send you back into the slammer with all those other guys,
so she can get back to her nice, orderly life. For this reason you must
have your details in order. And for this reason, your lips must be
soft. Use lip balm.

7. Teeth
We also sent Bobby to the dentist to get his teeth cleaned, and
if you haven't had yours cleaned in the last six months, you should
make an appointment, too. Bobby didn't want to go, so we had him
create a reward that would motivate him. He decided that as a
reward for getting his teeth cleaned, he'd take himself out to the local
strip club and have a good time. With the prospect of naked women
dangling before him, he was able to get in and have more than five
years of crud scraped off his teeth. They looked whiter, and felt
smoother and cleaner to him. After all, if you expect a woman to stick
her tongue in there, you want your mouth to be as clean as possible.


70 I

Chapter Three

S. Skin
Smooth soft skin is important to women, especially on your
face. If you tend to five o'clock shadow, be sure to shave again
before going out on a date. If you have rough hands, start using
moisturizer to soften them up. Most women aren't interested in men
who have rough, sandpaper-like hands.

9. Smells
It's hard to underestimate the negative consequences of
smelling bad to a woman. A surprising number of the women we
interviewed said that they had been on dates where they would have
had sex with the man, if only he hadn't smelled bad. It is important
that you bathe regularly, own deodorant, and use it. Remember, if
you think you might smell bad to women, then you do.

You should also know that, as one women we interviewed said,
"nothing is more of a turn-off than the smell of feces." If you tend to
have gas, then you must do something about it. Products like Beano
can help you pass less gas. You may even need to see a doctor if you
have a serious gas problem.

This is no small concern. Studies show that women have a more
developed sense of smell than men do. Smells that don't seem too bad
to men can be quite repellent to women. If you want to have sex with
attractive women, then you must manage your smells. Men who refuse
to handle this problem send the message to women that they are more
interested in passing gas than they are in having sex with women.
Women conclude that such men are immature, and they are right.

(While we are on the topic, you should also be aware that
women truly don't appreciate bathroom humor as you might. Save
it for your guy friends.)

It's also critical that you have good breath. Again and again,
the women we interviewed told us that men who have bad breath
turn them off. Reena is typical of these women, when she says "Sure,
I can think of a number of guys I was ready to have sex with, but
then noticed they had bad breath. I figured I didn't want them after
all." You must brush your teeth regularly, and if you think your
breath might be bad, it is. Carry mints with you, but don't take them
in front of her. For some reason, women seem to think that men who

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 71

take steps to have good breath are vain, even while they say that
men who smell bad are slobs. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and
take the breath mint there.

If you use aftershave lotion, be sure to not use too much. As the
saying goes, a dab'll do. Women aren't attracted to guys who wear so
much lotion that smell rays seem almost to be radiating from their
bodies. The man you'd have to be to get the kind of woman you want
probably doesn't smell too bad, or too good.

10, Pockets

Just as you can have a wonderful, expensive desk, and overload
the drawers to the point where they can't be closed, you can have
wonderful, stylish clothes, and overload the pockets to the point
where your nice slick clothes make you look like an old lumpy mat-

While women carry purses that they overfill, men overfill their
pockets. If you want to be attractive to women, you must carry as little
as possible in your pockets, so you don't look lumpy and your
clothes don't get stretched.

Bobby overfilled his pockets. He routinely had so many pens
and papers in his shirt pockets that the weight pulled the shirt down,
and he overfilled his pants pockets as well. Like many men, he had
lots of keys which made a big lump on his leg when he put them in
his pocket. We had him remove the keys he didn't need, and carry as
few as he could get away with. Other men who absolutely must carry
lots of keys have benefitted from carrying them on their belts rather
than in their pockets.

Bobby's wallet was also thick, disorganized, and bulging with
papers and old receipts. We explained to him that women do check
out men's bodies, just as men check out women's, and how a thick
wallet made his butt less attractive to women. He got rid of the
excess papers, and bought a thinner wallet.

11. Belt
Your belt is one of the small particulars of your dress that you

must have under control it you want women to be attracted to you.

" you are wearing a cheap cardboard belt, or if your belt is falling


72 / Chapter Three

apart, you won't be sending an attractive message to women.
Likewise, if you are using the biggest or the smallest hole in your
belt, you might look silly, and should consider getting a belt that fits
you better. If you are at all overweight, it's better to not have too
fancy a belt-buckle, as it will draw attention to your waist, which is
not where you want women to look. Get a simpler belt-buckle until
you've slimmed down.

12. Socks and shoes
If you'll look closely at your socks, you'll find that there is an
inside and an outside, and that it's possible to wear them inside out.
Though few men would ever notice this, women tell us that they do.
Wear your socks the right side out.

Women also evaluate men by the quality of their shoes. It's
hard for most men to comprehend the amount of time women spend
thinking about shoes. They have conversations with each other
about shoes; they spend discreet blocks of time shoe shopping; they
sit around thinking about what shoes to wear with what outfits. The
more attractive a woman you are interested in is, the more time she
probably spends thinking about shoes.

With this in mind, you shouldn't be too suprised to find out that
she also judges and think about your shoes. So you should be ready.
The sad fact is, you probably need more and better shoes. Bobby had
his dirty sneakers, his messed-up dress shoes, and a very uncomfortable
pair of dress shoes that he wore the two times a year he put on
his only suit. Through his work with us, he realized that, to be the
kind of man who attracted the kind of women he wanted, he'd need
some new shoes. He visited a number of stylish shoe boutiques and
got several pair of sexy new shoes.

He also bought shoe trees, which are brilliant wood or plastic
devices that you put in your shoes when you take them off to help
them keep their shape and last years longer. He also committed
himself to having his shoes shined regularly, and to replacing the
shoelaces before they became too frayed. He realized that, just as he
didn't want to wear wrinkled clothes, he wouldn't be attractive to
women wearing wrinkled shoes.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 73

13. Posture
Bobby had what we call "adolescent posture." He slumped like

teenager, and shuffled when he walked. His shoulders were
rounded, and his head was forward. He looked unobtrusive and
timid, but realized that he needed to look powerful and decisive to
get the women he desired.

There are a lot of kinds of bodywork you can get if you, like
Bobby, suffer from poor posture. You may want to explore chiropractic,
which is often at least partially covered by insurance, to
improve your posture. Other men get regular massage, or go
through a process called "Rolfing" or Neuro-Muscular Therapy to
improve posture. Bobby started getting chiropractic care and regular
massage treatments. He soon was standing straighter and taller,
his shoulders seemed broader and less tense, and he walked
straighter and more upright. As a plus, his lower back pain cleared
up. "I feel more solid now," he told us, "and more able to meet
attractive women on their own ground." Better posture made him
more into the kind of man who would be attractive to the kind of
women he desired.

Bobby followed our 13-point makeover plan, and developed an
entirely new look for himself that brought out the parts of him that
he wanted to express to women. He looked and felt more confident,
mature, adult, and attractive. With his good posture, clean look, and
neat, interesting, well-maintained clothes and shoes he said "I'm a
together adult man, ready to take on the world. You are interested
in being with me," Women noticed this and began responding at

once.

DETAILS: THE KEY TO WOMEN'S HEARTS

(AND PANTS)

One important key to seducing women which we will return to
again and again throughout this book isdetails. Women feel romanwhen
the little details are taken care of, whether those details are

perfect-candlelight, clean sheets,, or the small particulars of how you
ress. You may have noticed now many parts of the makeover

74 / Chapter Three

focused on the details; that's because properly managed details
make women feel romantic.

You've probably heard women talk about how important "the
little things" are to them. While women usually don't give useful
advice about how to seduce them, in this case they are telling the
truth. A man who can manage the details will always get women in
bed. In upcoming chapters we'll show you how to manage the details
in every aspect of a seduction. Here's how you can make the details
of your appearance work for you.

The "little things" in how you dress tell a woman a lot about
you, and have a big effect on how she treats you. Evan has the "sloppy
attractive" look mastered. He seems to wear torn, ratty clothes,
but they look mysteriously good on him. He's constantly surrounded
by attractive women. What is his secret?

Evan understands the importance of details. He knows that it's
not important that his clothes not be torn; what's important is that
the details of his "look" all work together to make him look good.
Torn clothes are part of his style. What makes him different from
other, unattractive men who wear torn up clothes is how he manages
the details of his appearance.

First, even though his clothing may be torn, he still follows the
four Rules of Clothing closely. His clothes are clean and orderly;
we've seen him iron ripped blue jeans, and throw away clothes
whose rips don't look "right" to him.

Second, his details are all wonderful. His style has a Native
American air about it, even though he's not Native American himself.
His belt is from a Pacific Indian clothing store, and his watch,
rings, earrings and necklaces also reflect the same style. This attention
to detail makes him look like he's thought about his look, which
he has, and sends an attractive message to women no matter what
else he is wearing. He never carries much in his pockets, and his
glasses fit his face perfectly. He looks like he's just thrown on whatever
is around, and looks great. The reason he looks great is that he's
thought about and managed the details of his appearance. Women
notice, and find him fascinating.

You can use the details of your appearance to stand out from
other men. Extra-nice or interestingly coordinated shoes, belts, wallets,
backpacks, brief cases, watches or hats are all ways to show

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 75

women that you pay attention to details and care about looking

nice.

Slightly unusual details in your dress can even get women to

begin conversations with you. One man we know wears a striking

copper bracelet he got in India. Women often ask him about it, and

he gets to tell them about the time he spent traveling there. Another

man wears an artistic pin on the lapel of his suit, which women com


ment on. Another man has a cowboy hat that fits his style perfectly,

which women often comment on.

Tattoos, if you have them, are another kind of detail of style

that can start conversations with women. One man we know has sev


eral beautiful tattoos and uses them to start conversations with

women who have tattoos and piercings. "I like your tattoo. Where

did you get it done?" will often lead to interesting conversations and

eventually dates with women he's attracted to.

Details to avoid

Once upon a time, tobacco was cool. You could light up a cigarette,
hold it casually, breathe smoke and look suave and intellectual.

Those days are past. Cigarettes are no longer attractive to
women and, in our current cultural climate, are actually repellent to
many beautiful, health-conscious females. Even many coffee shops,
the last hold-outs for roll-your-own sophisticated smokers, have
gone smoke-free. While it is true that many young women smoke
because they think it will keep them thin, you won't be any less
attractive to them if you don't smoke. And you will be less attractive
to non-smoking women, who outnumber the smokers. To be attractive
to women, you must go smoke-free, too.

Even though cigars have come into vogue in recent years, most
women still think they smell like burning commodes, and find men
who light them up very offensive. Jake learned this the hard way. He
was on a business trip to a distant city, and there he met Anne. Anne
was 33, tall, with fiery red hair and remarkably upright, beautiful
breasts. He seemed certain to score with her; she knew he was in
town for only a few days, but still wanted to be with him. She must
want to have sex with him, he reasoned. What could possibly go

Wrong?


76 I Chapter Three

They went out to a fine Japanese dinner together, ate and drank
and were enjoying each other's company, when Jake made his mistake.
With studied casualness, he took a cigar out of his pocket, and
lit it up. "I've never seen a woman's mood change so quickly," he told
us later. "She wrote me off immediately, became cold, and couldn't
get away from me fast enough. Even after I put it out, she still
wouldn't warm up to me. Needless to say, I slept alone that night."
Don't make the mistake Jake made. If you smoke cigars, do it around
other guys. Don't do it around women you are trying to seduce.

WHAT IF YOU ARE FAT AND OUT OF SHAPE,
OR UGLY?

Your style needs to send a message to women that says "I am
mature and interesting and you want to be with me." Accomplishing
this is more about what you do with what nature gave you, than with
how subjectively beautiful you are. We all have seen men who, at
first look, are no "feast for the peepers" who are dating very beautiful
women. They are able to do this because they make the best of
what they have, and have developed their personal style into something
they can be proud of.

Carey is one such man. Weighing in at well over 300 pounds,
Carey seems, at first look, to be a guy who would only get sex if he
was willing to pay cash for it. Nothing could be further from the
truth; Carey has a constant stream of women in his life.

How does he do it? Carey has style. He never smells bad, and
always looks great. Everyone who knows him agrees that his clothes
look great on him, and that he "wears his weight well." He also follows
the guidelines of the rest of this chapter, and his home and car
look wonderful and are extremely inviting. He also has confidence,
which we will also cover later in this chapter. Carey's style shows
that he is in love with his life, is a mature man, and that he pays
attention to details. Subsequently he is attractive to a variety of
women.

Carey is careful to never be apologetic about his weight. "I
know I'd be healthier if I was thinner, and I'm working on it," he
says. "But I know if I start acting like there's something wrong with
me, I'll never get another date again. I just think of myself as a big,

The Elements of Style Dress and Confidence I 77

attractive guy. The ladies seem to agree." If you express your own
true style, it doesn't matter if you aren't naturally beautiful to look
at. You'll send the right message to women, they will feel romantic
feelings about you, and you'll do well with them.

THREE WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CAR INTO A
ROLLING SEDUCTION CHAMBER


By now you've learned what you need to know to give women
the right message with how you look. You've learned the importance
of developing your personal style, looking good, and taking care of
the details. You're looking hot and feeling good. You have a good
chance of getting a date, so now it's time to start thinking about the
other expressions of your personal style that women will see: your
car and your home.

One of the most common lies women tell is that they don't care
about men's cars. In a sense, we suppose, they are telling the truth:
intellectually, they don't care, and don't think they could be swayed
emotionally by such silly things. Women often like to make fun of
men's cars as "extensions of their penises" (as if that's a bad thing!).
On an emotional level, however, women do respond to the kind of
car you drive, and to how clean or dirty you keep it. They'll just
rarely tell you the truth about it.

This was brought home to us vividly when Esther, a female
friend, started dating a new man. Esther is a powerful, can-do kind
of woman. She's very successful in her business, and is known for her
hard-edged, no-nonsense attitude. She would often list her requirements
in a man to her friends, and was very clear that there was no
way she'd have sex with a man right away. Or, anyway, that's what
she thought until she met Keith.

Esther put it this way. "We had dinner, and everything was
going well. We had met at the restaurant and he was about to give
me a ride home. It turns out he has a Cadillac Coupe deVille! When
he set me into that plush leather seat, and closed the door with that
satisfying 'click,' I said to myself 'I'm having sex with this man'."""

she did, that very night.
We were shocked by her revelation, but it taught us something
important: the experience a woman has in your car can make or


78 / Chapter Three

break your seduction. Most of us don't have cars as nice as Keith's,
but there are still things you can do to make your car a more seductive
space for the women you date.

Like your way of dressing, your car sends a message to women.
Your car can be an important part of your seduction strategy.
Teenagers aren't the only ones who have sex in cars, and many successful
sexual experiences start in men's cars, and move to the bedroom
later. Here are the three ways to make your car into a rolling
seduction chamber.

1. Make your car clean
It'll be hard to create the right romantic mood in your car if it
is messy. In this society, where people are increasingly living out of
their cars, it's easy to fill it with work projects, books, fast-food
garbage, and things you've been meaning to take out, but haven't. If
you are going to give a woman a ride somewhere, it's important that
your car not seem like a dumpster with wheels. Remember, you are
sending a message to women with every expression of your style
that you make. Remember also that she is judging your style to see
if she wants to have sex with you or not. If your car is clean and comfortable,
you've made it past another hurdle. If it isn't, she'll get the
message that you are a slob and not in control of your life, and be
less attracted to you.

If you do need to carry a lot of stuff, get some organizer baskets
to keep in your car. Dwight had to make a lot of overnight trips
for his work, and had to keep files, product samples, and personal
belongings in his car all the time, Not a naturally organized person,
his car was always a mess of papers, trash, and dirty laundry. Though
his guy friends didn't mind the mess, women were repelled, and he
wondered why he had so few second dates.

We had Dwight buy a number of plastic baskets, tubs and organizers,
and simply organize what was in his car. Once everything had
its proper place, the car looked neat, even though there was a lot in
it. Instead of making him look like a slob, his car made him look like
an organized man who was serious about doing his job well.

If a woman sees your car messy, we suggest that you don't bother
apologizing. Women are sick of guys who apologize for being
slobs rather than having their lives together. Simply take the time to

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 79

Tear room for her, act like nothing is out of the ordinary, and hope
you can see her again with a neat car.

2. Make your car romantic
If you are going to use your car as part of your seduction strategy-
and you should—you should have the right equipment to
make your car romantic. We suggest you have blankets and pillows
in the trunk, in case a romantic walk in the woods becomes something
more. You should have good romantic music on the stereo, and
condoms hidden in the glove compartment.

You should not have anything in the car that will turn a woman
off. Penthouse air fresheners, complete with naked centerfold pictures,
should not be hanging off your rear-view mirror. Ditto for
fuzzy dice. Your car shouldn't smell either. The scent of old burritos
or stale cigarette smoke is not a turn-on for most women.

You should also get rid of any signs of other women in the car,
as we'll show you how to do in a later chapter. One of our students
ran into trouble when he was dating several women. One had folded
a pretty paper swan for him, and written "Christy and Mike" on
the wings. She had given it to him in his car and he put it on his dashboard
and kissed her so passionately that they went back to his
house to have sex. Unfortunately, after he drove her home later in
the evening, he forgot about the paper bird on the dashboard. The
next day, when he picked up Jane for their date, she saw it immediately,
read the message on it, and took great offense.

Your car should be comfortable, romantic, smell good, and not
remind your date of other women.


3, Make your car work

Doors and windows should work on your car; women don't like
have to slide across the driver's seat to get to the passenger's.

Also, your muffler should work, A loud car tells a woman that your
life is out of control and you can't take care of your property. If you
can't take care of your car, how will you take care of her?

We do suggest that you open the car door for any woman you
are with, and close the door behind her. It's not necessary to say anything
about doing this—in fact, it's better if you don't—but you



80 / Chapter Three

should do it. When you open the door for a woman, it shows her that
you are going to take care of her and treat her like she is special. No
matter how much she believes politically that men and women
should be equal, on a romantic level she will appreciate you making

this gesture.

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A SEDUCTIVE HOME

Think about your home. Think about the kitchen, the living
room, your bedroom. Picture it in your mind. Now ask yourself the
following questions:

First ask yourself, "Is this a home that will make the women I
most desire want to have sex with me?" Most of the men we work
with have to answer, "no." When they look at their homes from the
perspective of the women they desire, they find they can understand
why these women wouldn't want them.

Second, ask yourself, "What's the message my home sends to the
women I'm attracted to?" Most men find that their home doesn't send
the message they want to send. It sends messages like "I'm still a boy,"
or "I'm not really going anywhere in my life." If your home doesn't
seem like a comfortable place to spend romantic time in, then you are
sending a message that "romance isn't important to me."

Now think about homes you've seen that seem to send romantic
messages to women. While many of these homes may seem
expensive, and expensively furnished, their style follows basic principles
you can follow, too, to make your home more inviting and
romantic. While this entire list needs to be followed only right
before a date, it will be easier for you if the basics are in place all of

the time,

1. A Seductive home looks tike an adult lives there
A seductive home is not a dorm room, a closet, a warehouse, a
garbage dump, or a science experiment. It's not a place for random
friends to hang out, or a pornographic poster supply house. Any of
these things will leave women thinking that you are still stuck in
your adolescence, and they won't desire you.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 81

2. A seductive home is clean
Specifically, the details should be clean. It's best if the mini


are clean, and there are no dust-bunnies in the corners. The

areas that are most important to your date should be cleanest, and

the areas that are least important, or that you think you can keep

your date out of, can be ignored. If she wouldn't see your kitchen

unless she spent the night, for instance, you can get away without

cleaning it. Because she will already have had sex with you by the

time she sees it the next morning, the fact that it is a mess won't

wreck your chances with her.

The bathroom, on the other hand, must be absolutely clean.

There is no middle ground on this one. One man we know tried to

get around this by taking the lightbulb out of the bathroom so his

date couldn't see how dirty it was. This only annoyed her. You must

clean the bathroom thoroughly before a date comes to your house.

3. A seductive home is properly lit
The lighting should be subdued and controlled. Bright overhead
lights will make your date feel tense, like she's being interrogated.
Try soft, reflected light. This can be a lamp with a 40-watt
bulb, rather than a 100-watt bulb, or candles, or light coming in from
the next room. There should be shadows and patterns of light and
mystery, it should be welcoming, not antiseptic. This idea is hard for
many men to grasp, because they are used to lighting spaces in order
to get things done in them. Did you know that some women try to
stay out of fluorescent lighting because of how it makes them look?
Your seductive rooms aren't workshops. Be sensitive to having
romantic lighting.

4. A seductive home is unpacked and set up
It's amazing how many people still live out of boxes years after
moving into their homes. One man who's lived in his house for four
years still hasn't put up his pictures. When we told him it could make
his house more romantic, he replied "What's the point of putting
Pictures up if the house isn't clean?" While we agree that it's impor



80 I Chapter Three

should do it. When you open the door for a woman, it shows her that
you are going to take care of her and treat her like she is special. No
matter how much she believes politically that men and women
should be equal, on a romantic level she will appreciate you making
this gesture.

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A SEDUCTIVE HOME

Think about your home. Think about the kitchen, the living
room, your bedroom. Picture it in your mind. Now ask yourself the
following questions:

First ask yourself, "Is this a home that will make the women I
most desire want to have sex with me?" Most of the men we work
with have to answer, "no." When they look at their homes from the
perspective of the women they desire, they find they can understand
why these women wouldn't want them.

Second, ask yourself, "What's the message my home sends to the
women I'm attracted to?" Most men find that their home doesn't send
the message they want to send. It sends messages like "I'm still a boy,"
or "I'm not really going anywhere in my life." If your home doesn't
seem like a comfortable place to spend romantic time in, then you are
sending a message that "romance isn't important to me."

Now think about homes you've seen that seem to send romantic
messages to women. While many of these homes may seem
expensive, and expensively furnished, their style follows basic principles
you can follow, too, to make your home more inviting and
romantic. While this entire list needs to be followed only right
before a date, it will be easier for you if the basics are in place all of
the time.

1. A Seductive home looks like an adult lives there
A seductive home is not a dorm room, a closet, a warehouse, a
garbage dump, or a science experiment. It's not a place for random
friends to hang out, or a pornographic poster supply house. Any of
these things will leave women thinking that you are still stuck in
your adolescence, and they won't desire you.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 81

2. A seductive home is clean
Specifically, the details should be clean. It's best if the mini


blinds are clean, and there are no dust-bunnies in the corners. The

areas that are most important to your date should be cleanest, and

the areas that are least important, or that you think you can keep

your date out of, can be ignored. If she wouldn't see your kitchen

unless she spent the night, for instance, you can get away without

cleaning it. Because she will already have had sex with you by the

time she sees it the next morning, the fact that it is a mess won't

wreck your chances with her.

The bathroom, on the other hand, must be absolutely clean.
There is no middle ground on this one. One man we know tried to
get around this by taking the lightbulb out of the bathroom so his
date couldn't see how dirty it was. This only annoyed her. You must
clean the bathroom thoroughly before a date comes to your house.

3. A seductive home is properly lit
The lighting should be subdued and controlled. Bright overhead
lights will make your date feel tense, like she's being interrogated.
Try soft, reflected light. This can be a lamp with a 40-watt
bulb, rather than a 100-wattbulb, or candles, or light coming in from
the next room. There should be shadows and patterns of light and
mystery. It should be welcoming, not antiseptic. This idea is hard for
many men to grasp, because they are used to lighting spaces in order
to get things done in them. Did you know that some women try to
stay out of fluorescent lighting because of how it makes them look?
Your seductive rooms aren't workshops. Be sensitive to having
romantic lighting.

4. A seductive home is unpacked and set up
It's amazing how many people still live out of boxes years after
moving into their homes. One man who's lived in his house for four
years still hasn't put up his pictures. When we told him it could make
his house more romantic, he replied "What's the point of putting
Pictures up if the house isn't clean?" While we agree that it's impor



82 / Chapter Three

tant to have a clean home, it's also important to have a set up home.
Unpack those boxes, and hang those pictures!

5. A seductive home has romantic potential
A seductive home makes a woman feel like she's in a place she
can relax. The pictures on the walls don't have to be originals, but
they should be framed and hung properly. There are flowers (there
just for her, but she doesn't have to know that) and healthy-looking
plants. The furniture is clean, and if it's old or funky, it has a throwcover
on it. The carpet has been vacuumed recently and there are no
piles of paper or random belongings around. The music is soft and
sexy. Everything seems to have a proper place, and is in it.

A seductive home has a seductive bedroom. The bed should be
made and large, at least a double bed in size. There should be plenty
of pillows, pictures on the wall, and, of course, the sheets should

be clean.
If you are going to have romantic dates in your home, coordinate
your seductions with your roommates beforehand. If you want
the living room for the evening, for instance, talk to housemates and
see if they'll stay out of the house 'til at least a certain hour. You
don't want to be interrupted by people coming in, just when you are
going for that first kiss.
And speaking of interruptions, in homes with romantic potential,
the volume on the answering machine is set to "zero." More
than one of our students has been ready to make that first move
when the phone has rung, the answering machine has picked up, and
another woman's voice has started blaring through the room! Turn
answering machines down, and don't answer the phone when you
have a date over.
Your style in how you dress, how yon keep your car, and how
your home looks tells women a lot about you, and helps them decide
whether to make you into a hot lover or a lowly "friend." You must
take control of these areas, and make sure that the messages you
send with them are attractive, intriguing, mature and adult.
Everything else you learn in this book can be undone by poor personal
style. Make sure that you have it handled.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 83

HOW TO BECOME CONFIDENT WITH WOMEN

Overcoming the two stumbling Blocks on the Road to

Confidence. Confidence stumbling block #1: Fear of

Rejection

As we covered in Chapter 2, you are afraid of rejection because
of what you make rejection mean to you. While the successful seducer
knows that every "no" is only another step on the way to the
inevitable "yes;' a man who fears rejection fears it because he makes
it mean that there is something wrong with him. Here are some solutions:


The Thirty-Day Program for Getting Over Fear of Rejection.

You must get yourself so used to rejection from women that it no
longer has any negative meaning to you, A simple way to do this is
to start small, with our easy-to-follow, thirty-day rejection-stomping
confidence-building program.

If you are scared to talk to women and scared of rejection from
women, this simple program will get you talking to them daily, and
laughing in the face of rejection. It's straightforward, painless, and
easy to do. It's based on a simple two-letter word that, when you use
it with women, will build your confidence, start you talking, and be
the first step in getting women into your life.

Are you ready for the word?

The word is "hi!" To build your confidence with women and to
overcome your fear of rejection, for the next thirty days, say "hi" to
women in public at least six times a day. That's all there is to it. You
are walking down the street, you see an attractive woman, you say
"hi" to her, and walk on. You see the next attractive woman, and you
say "hi" to her, too. And so on.

Don't be deceived by the simplicity of this program. If you are
willing to actually do it, and to actually say "hi" to a number of
women out in public every day, your confidence will rise, your fear
of rejection will diminish, and your success with women will
improve. Here's why:

First, your confidence will improve because you actually will be
talking to women. Saying "hi" is wonderful because the interaction


84 I

Chapter Three

ends quickly. Like some other techniques we'll show you for build


ing confidence, the "hi" interaction doesn't put your ego on the line

and doesn't give her much chance to reject you. What's the worst

thing she'll do, glare at you as you walk by? Who cares? It's not like

you've risked your whole ego by asking her out or trying to kiss her.

You'll get into the habit of seeing women who attract you, and talk


ing to them. And that's good.

Second, women's responses to you will become less important

to you. You'll find that you are being the kind of man you want to

be, the kind of man who says hello to whatever kind of woman

appeals to him, no matter what her response might be. You'll

become less scared of rejection as you notice that some women

smile and say "hi" back, that some women are in their own world

and don't even seem to notice you spoke, and that some women

glare at you darkly and reach for their police whistle. You'll start to

see that it doesn't matter; all that matters is that you are making life

work for you by starting to approach the women who attract you.

Third, you actually will get into more conversations with
women if you set a precedent of talking to them right away. Have
you ever been in a situation in which you would have spoken to a
woman, but the fact that you've initially ignored her makes it hard
to start? This happened to our friend Bob just the other day. "I was
in a line waiting to buy tickets to a movie. There was a gorgeous girl
in line in front of me, but when I first saw her, I went back into my
old fear mode, and didn't look at her or say 'hi.' After about five
minutes of waiting, I really wanted to start talking to her, but it
seemed a lot more awkward because I hadn't said 'hi' at first." After
you've practice saying "hi" for a few weeks, it'll be second nature for
you to see that woman in line, look her in the face, smile, and say
"hi." You'll be relaxed and not concerned with her response. And it
will then be natural for the two of you to talk more, and for you to

be able to use the tools from the rest of this book to seduce her.

Other ways to overcome the fear of rejection

Have a "piece on the side." As you begin to develop your
harem of available sex kittens, you are at a disadvantage. As usual,
success breeds success. The more sex you are getting, the more con-

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 85

fident about sex you will become and the more new women you will
attract. But at the beginning, you don't have the confidence of lots
of past success, and that slows down your ability to get that first
woman on a date and into bed.

Though it is not available to every man, having a "piece on the
side" can generate the erotic confidence that allows you to get even
more women. A "piece on the side" is a woman who you have occasional
sex with—say, once a month—though you might not really
want her very much. She is a woman you know you can have, but
who isn't attractive enough for you to try to start a relationship with.
An occasional sex partner like this can build your sexual self-esteem
and enable you to take the risks that get you into bed with the
women you really want.

So who could be a potential "piece on the side?" They may be
ex-girlfriends, women who are not extremely attractive, much older
women, close female friends, women who understand you don't
want a relationship, or married women. When you have a "piece on
the side," you know you aren't a total loser. If you look hard enough
at your life you will usually find at least one woman who would sleep
with you. Try her out and see what happens.

We've had students say "Yeah, the date didn't go so well, so
afterwards I went to the house of my 'piece on the side.'" They were
able to get sex when they wanted it. As a result, they were empowered
to pursue the sex they really wanted.

Get your validation from your life, not from women. Too
many men rely on women for their sense of validation, self-respect,
and self-esteem. They live as if women's opinions of them are what
matters. If they have a good interaction with an attractive woman,
they feel good about themselves. When an interaction goes bad, they
feel badly about themselves. This need to be validated by women in
order to feel good about themselves robs these men of their confidence
with women.

Bob has this problem big-time. His whole picture of himself is
based on his latest interaction with a woman. When he asks a
woman out on a date and she says no—as they sometimes do, even
to the best seducers—Bob is crushed. He thinks "What a jerk I am.

do I even bother asking women out in the first place? There


86 / Chapter Three

must be something wrong with me. I'm a failure. Let's see, how long
has it been since I've had a date? What a bummer." He stops being
able to concentrate on work, doesn't work out. and generally lets his
life go to Hell. On the other hand, if an interaction with a woman
goes well, Bob is on top of the world, at least for a while. When he
has a date that goes well, or meets a hot woman who seems interested
in him, he dances through his life. He thinks "See? I'm not
such a bad guy after all! I'm okay! Things are going to be great!" He
sets himself up for a letdown by making his self-esteem and valida


tion dependent on his success with women.
We tell men to listen to what former UCLA basketball coach
John Wooden used to tell his players. He said "I always told them
that I didn't want excess dejection at a loss, or excessive jubilation
after a victory, and that I hoped that, after a game, no one could tell
whether you won or lost by your behavior." Coach Wooden knew
that the best path to success is to get your sense of validation from
your life as a whole, not from momentary wins or losses. Wooden's
teams' record-setting levels of victory make this approach seem
pretty smart.
If you want to have an easy sense of confidence with women,
how do you make this work? Practically, this means finding ways to
be in love with your own life, and to have the things you are up to in
your life be validating for you. Success with women and success with
life are similar. Just as women won't go out of their way to bring you
sexual success, life doesn't go out of its way to bring you life-success.
Just as your sex life is your responsibility to make the way you want
it, your life as a whole is your responsibility to make the way you

want it. If you want success with women, it makes sense to have
long-term goals for your life that inspire you and that you are moving
towards, no matter how slowly. If you do this, you'll get your val


idation from your life, rather than from women.
Don is a good example. As a computer programmer for a large
insurance company, it was easy for him to allow his life to get into a
rut. Day after day he'd go to work, program, come home, watch TV
and go to bed. He had no goals and no direction. He became passive
with his life and, not surprisingly, with women. He blamed his company
for his lack of enjoyment of his job, and blamed women for his
lack of an abundant sex life. His future looked like it would be just

The Elements of Style Dress and Confidence / 87

• the past. He looked to women for validation in his life, because
• couldn't find it anywhere else, and when they didn't validate him,
became depressed. Thus the cycle worsened—the more
depressed he became, the more he wanted women to make him feel
validated, and, predictably, the less attractive he became. The less
attractive he became, the less women validated him, and the more
depressed he got.

This was the state he was in when he came to us, complaining
about his relationships with women. We taught him the tools in this
book, and had him begin to set goals for his life. We had him go to
his local bookstore and get a book on goal-setting, and got him to
really look at what he wanted his life to be like in ten years, five
years, one year. We got him to write down goals that inspired him,
and to put them into his date book where he'd see them often. As he
began to get excited about what was possible for him in his life, the
cycle began to break apart. He started getting his validation from his
life, rather than from women. This made him more attractive to
women. Rather than wanting to be with women so he could have a
life, he began having a life that validated him, whether women were
in it or not. Naturally, women were intrigued by his passion for his
life, and wanted to be a part of it.

We also advised Don to make more male friends. Don tended
to have many female friends and few male ones. We aren't against
having female friends, but there are two kinds: the ones you don't
want to have sex with, and the ones you do want to have sex with,
but who don't want you. When a man has many women in his life
who he wants sexually but who only want to be "friends" with him,
it's hard on his confidence. Don was always around women who
didn't want him, and this made him feel undesirable. It convinced
him that women only wanted him as a friend, which really meant
that women didn't want him as a man. Being around these women
also got him into the habit of being nonsexual "friends" with desirable
women, rather than being their lovers. He began treating all
women like friends, and they treated him the same way.

At our advice Don stopped spending so much time with
women he desired but who didn't desire him, and started spending
more time with other men. These male friendships were able to validate
him without putting down his sexuality or showing him that he


88 I Chapter Three

was undesirable. He found he could get a kind of support from men
that he could never get from women he desired who insisted on
being "friends." This validated him, and made women's reactions to

his approach less disturbing.
Women are attracted to men who have passion and fire for
their lives. They aren't any more interested in providing the validation
for your life than you are in providing the validation for theirs.
When you have goals, male friends, and a life that inspires you, you'll
be validated by what you are up to, and women will want to be a part
of your life. It won't matter to you if they say "yes" or "no" when you
ask them out, seduce them, and go for that first kiss. You'll be validated
by your life, and easily able to move on to the next woman.

Confidence stumbling block #2: Fear of hurting women

Some men are driven by the idea that their sexuality hurts
women. For instance, Walt always felt like there was something bad
about his sexual desire. A tall thin man in his early thirties, he grew
up with three sisters, his mom, and no father. "I was privy to lots of
girl talk about how bad guys were, how much they only wanted
women for sex," he told us. "With no men to tell me that sex was
great, I only got the picture they gave me—that men were insensitive
bastards who only cared about using women for their own gratification.
I remember being around when my sisters would come

home from dates and put down the men they had been with. I so
much wanted to be a good guy, to not hurt women with my sexuality."


When Walt first started dating girls as a teenager, he strove to
always be polite. "I wouldn't even think about them sexually, 'cause
I knew that would be rude," he says. "I masturbated looking at
women in magazines, and I even felt guilty about that! Finally I was
lying on top of my girlfriend in her bedroom while her parents were
away. We were making out, but I was avoiding touching her breasts,
because I didn't want to 'use' her, like those guys did with my sisters.
Finally she said to me, 'Do you realize you are avoiding touching my
breasts? Don't you desire me?,' and she took my hand and put it on

her breast, I'll tell you, that turned my world upside-down,"

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence / 89

While most men don't have this fear of hurting women as much

Walt did, many men still have it, and usually don't even know it.

They've bought into the myth that men are insensitive bastards who

only want women for sex. They've bought into the idea that when a

man has sex with a woman he is somehow taking something from her

for his own selfish gratification. After all, we say that women "put

out" sexually; that must mean that men take what women put out.

Saturday Night Live's Stuart Smalley character, played by Al

Franken, has this problem. While he may say that "I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough, and dogonne it, people like me," he also believes

that women are delicate flowers who he would hurt if he was sexu


al with them. He tries to be harmless and sensitive. Like Walt, he

doesn't get much sex.

Men like Walt or Stuart Smalley are committed to being sensi


tive to women's needs—not being macho, unfeeling jerks who hurt

women. Unfortunately, this fear makes them tepid companions for

women, and drains them of their confidence by making them hesi


tant and self-doubting in all their interactions.

"Sensitive" men wonder too much about what women think of

them. They spend their brain-power, which should be spent being

charming, assertive, funny and romantic, on self-absorbing concerns

about what women think of them.

One of the main fears a man might have is that the woman he

is talking to will think he's going to hurt or assault her. As a matter

of fact, women you talk to do worry that you are going to hurt or

assault them. Rightfully so; dating is dangerous for a woman. What

these "sensitive," unconfident men don't know is that indulging her
fear of you makes her fear you more.

Let's look at how this works. When a woman is afraid of you, as

most will be when they first meet you, they are looking for signs that

their fears either are, or are not, well-founded. If you are afraid that

you will hurt her, it gives her the evidence she needs to justify avoid


ing you. You'll be hesitant, unconfident and self-doubting. You'll

treat yourself as if you are dangerous. Of course she'll notice this,

and want to get away from you,

If, on the other hand, you aren't afraid, you'll be confident and

relaxed. She may be afraid that you'll hurt her, but she'll notice that


90 I Chapter Three

you aren't afraid that you will. Your confidence, your certainty will

help her relax, and make you more attractive. This is one of the rea


sons that jerks get women; they aren't worried about hurting them.

They simply don't care. The jerk's lack of fear allows women to relax

their fear. It's ironic that jerks—the men who hurt women the

most—can get sex by not worrying about it, while men who would

never hurt women, who worry about it all the time, can't get sex at

all. This happens because men who are afraid don't have the sense of

freedom or the confidence they need to be successful with women.

We advise men to get over the fear that, by their mere pres


ence, or by having simple conversations with women, that they are

going to be hurtful. It almost certainly will be stressful for women

when you first approach them, but the best way to relieve their

stress is to model being fearless, not by indulging their fears.

Women are tough—if your saying "hi" to her disturbs her, she'll get

over it. Relax. We also advise men to realize that if you are afraid

you'll hurt a woman, and that fear drives women away, they don't

ever get the benefit of being with you romantically. They never get

to experience the pleasure you'd bring them, the romantic feelings,

the thrills.

Some men lose their confidence because of false ideas about
what women want. Men tell us that they are afraid that they'll end
up hurting women emotionally, because with most women they
meet, they only want short-term, sexual relationships. They are certain
that no woman could possibly want this, and so they avoid the
entire seduction, so they don't accidentally cause a woman emotional
harm.

This is simply not true, for several reasons. First, there are plenty
of women who just want to have sex with you and get rid of you
just as much as you might want to have sex with and get rid of them.
We are reminded of a situation comedy in which a guy decided that
he needed to have his first one-night stand. True to the make-believe
world of television, he easily accomplished this with a beautiful
woman. The next day he was hanging out with his friends, bragging
about his conquest. He mooned over how wonderful this woman
was, and decided to call her and see her again. He called the number

The Elements of Style; Dress and Confidence / 91

she gave him and—lo and behold!—she had given him a fake number!
He was beside himself. "She used me!" he said, "She used me
for sex!" A friend asked him, "How does it feel?" After a pause, he
responded, "Hm. Pretty good, actually." She only wanted him for
sex, then to get rid of him.

Television is rarely an accurate reflection of life, but if you get
good at seducing women, you will find yourself in this exact situation.
It comes as a shock to many men that a women might want sex
without a relationship, because it seems like they never meet those
women. Bob moans, "Where are these women who just want sex? I
never meet them. Where are they?" Well, they are all around him, all
the time. The difference between men who just want sex and women
who just want sex is that men who just want sex act like it, while
women who just want sex act like they want long-term relationships.
As far as we can tell, there's not a reliable way to tell if a woman is
up for short-term sex without seducing her. After you've had sex
with her, you'll start finding out if she wants to keep seeing you, or
get rid of you right away.

We advise men to not worry about dashing women's hopes for
long-term relationships, because, at least at the beginning, she may
well only be checking you out for sex, too.

But what if she really does want a long-term relationship? Well,
she has the same opportunity you do: if she desires you badly
enough, then she can try to be wonderful enough to convince you to
have a relationship with her. You'll only get to know that as you
spend time with her. You are depriving her of a possible relationship
with you if you stay away from her because you feel guilty about
only being interested in sex.

Some men lose their confidence with women because they are
ashamed about being male. They've known women who've been
very hurt in relationships, and have decided that there must be
something basically wrong with men. These men are often feminists,
acutely aware of the violence men do to women, and committed to
not being like other men. Other men are ashamed of their sexuality
because of their religious upbringing. All this shame makes men
unconfident with and unattractive to women.


92 } Chapter Three

Overcoming fear of hurting women

We admire men for not wanting to hurt women. Not being a

hurtful person, either emotionally, physically, or sexually is rightful


ly important to many men and is commendable. At the same time,

we do take issue with how many men try to keep themselves from

hurting women by being constantly worried about it. As we've seen,

men who are overly concerned about never hurting women often

don't get to have relationships with women at all because they are

so hesitant and scared of what they might accidentally do. What can

you do if you are one of these overly cautious men?

First, being aware that you are paralyzed by your fear of hurt


ing women can help you start to change. Realize also that you are

hurting women anyway, in a sense, because they don't get to have

relationships with you and have to have relationships with jerks

instead. When you start to see that you really aren't helping women,

and are hurting your chances with them, it's easier to let go of fear,
and be more seductive.
Second, you can decide to change your belief system about
women. You can make the decision that you are no longer going to
tolerate thinking of women as helpless delicate flowers, and of yourself
as somehow dangerous to them. You can commit yourself to
taking on the ideas in this book and making them part of your daily
behavior, rather than simply passively reading about them. This will
immediately increase your confidence with women.

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 93

hurt women actually
that if You want to have

them as if they can take care of themselves. We've also shown you
how some women just want to have sex with you and to get rid of
you. We've also looked at how, even in a short-term sexual relationship,
a woman who wants a long-term-relationship with you might
be able to convince you to stay with her, and how many long-term
relationships started out as nothing more than one-night stands.

OTHER CONFIDENCE BUILDERS: EASY WAYS TO
RAISE YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL


Be in "The zone"

Peak performers talk about being in "the zone" or in "the
flow." You are in the zone when you are at your best, when all your
inner resources are available to you, and when you seem to automatically
handle everything well.

We've all had these moments. Sometimes they take place during
sports, when a rock-climber, for instance, is so engaged in the
climb that he forgets about everything else in the world but what he
is doing. Surgeons report that when they are doing surgery, they are
so involved that it's like they are in perfect harmony with the world
around them. If you can remember a time when you effortlessly and
peacefully performed beyond what you usually were able to do, you


have been in the zone.

The first stumbling block on the road to confidence—thefear of rejection—is basically the fear that you will get hurt in your inter


actions with women. We've shown you how to get over this fear, by
saying "hi," talking to women all the time, having a "piece on the
side," and getting your validation from your life, not from women. If
you follow these steps you will become almost immune to rejection,
and be free and confident to initiate with women anytime you want.

While the first stumbling block on the road to confidence is
fear of being hurt, the second stumbling block is the fear that you
will somehow be hurtful to women. We've respected your commitment,
and have shown you some ways to still not want to hurt
women, but to be able to interact more confidently and freely with
them. We've shown you how being afraid that you will somehow

People who are falling in love are in the zone. You probably
have felt it. When you were with her, it was like time stood still. You
could do no wrong, and life, when you were with her, seemed effortless.
When you were together you were creative and happy, and not
worried about yourself or about your life. This is the zone as well.

Nick had this experience when he first met Kay. "I'd seen her
at a couple of parties and been very attracted to her, but from the
start I didn't feel tense or nervous around her, like I usually do when
I meet women I'm hot for. It was like I knew in my heart that we'd
get along fine, and I wasn't worried about it. I felt like, if it was
meant to be, then it would happen. I really didn't worry about it.


94 / Chapter Three

"I remember running into her at a park, and we talked a bit and

sat together on the grass. I didn't feel like I had to say anything, and

there were these long periods when neither of us said anything, but

I knew it was just fine. I felt present and happy and didn't need to

fill the silences.

"After one of those silences, she said to me 'I just want to tell

you everything about me.' It was the start of our relationship. I was

in the zone that day, that's for sure."

How did Nick do this? What made him so irresistible to Kay

that she couldn't help but open up to him, even though he said very

little? Nick accidentally did what all peak performers do, and what

you can do with women, too. He pursued his outcome (being roman


tic with Kay) and, simultaneously, let go of having to make that out


come happen (having faith that if it was meant to be, it would hap


pen). He stopped worrying about whether she would like him or

not, and simply pursued her. Any outcome would have been fine

with him. If she had not wanted to be with him, he might have been

disappointed, but he wouldn't have been upset. Similarly, he wasn't

overly excited about her interest, even though he was pursuing it.

Let's look at the opposite example. Randy was very interested
in Donna. He thought she was cute and mysterious and very much
wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. It was terribly
important to him that all of his interactions with her be great for her,
so that she'd like him and want to go out with him. He was so
focused on this goal, and on how bad it would be if she didn't like
him, that he was weird and distracted when he was with her, "I was
such a jerk," he says now. "I so wanted to impress her that I talked a
mile a minute, made jokes that weren't funny, and was all-around a
tense, jumpy guy," Because he couldn't stop thinking about his outcome—
having her like him—he could never be relaxed and unconcerned
with her. "I scared her off," he says, "I was so wrapped up in
what I wanted to happen with her, I never was present with her
when we were together." His inability to pursue his goal with her,
and give up worrying about the goal at the same time, made him out
of the zone, forced, and not attractive.

Women you have chemistry with are women you are pursuing,
but you are not worried about the outcome. For some reason, with
certain women, it's easy for you to not worry, and to get into the

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 95

zone. You can, however, train yourself to worry less and less in your
interactions with women by simply making that your intention. You
can remind yourself, when you go into interactions with women, that
the outcome isn't important. When you do this, you'll find that you
are getting into the zone, that you are more relaxed, and that you
have better chemistry. When Randy learns to not be worried about
how it goes with Donna, and has some faith that everything will be
okay, he relaxes, and it makes it easier for Donna to get to know him
and to find him attractive. All the rest of the tools you learn in this
book—seduction strategies, meeting women, going for that first kiss,
and more—will be much easier to practice and have success with if
you train yourself to follow this credo.

Make decisions

Decision-making is a muscle that gives you control over and
confidence in your life. But you must practice. You don't want to be
a control freak with women, but you don't want to be a useless wad
of indecisiveness, either. Being decisive means you never, ever say,
"Oh, I don't know, what do you want to do?" It means that when
those little meaningless choices come up during the date—such as
what table to sit at—you decide quickly and easily. If she'd rather sit
somewhere else, then you can say "sure," but always make decisions
quickly when you are with her. This shows her that you are a guy
who is in charge of his life and not wishy-washy, and will put you
miles ahead of most of the other guys she meets. This seems obvious
and simple, but it builds your confidence and sets the stage for
seduction.

FOUR THINGS YOU CAN DO TODAY
TO BE CONFIDENT WITH WOMEN


1. Groom like a man who is confident with women
Think about your grooming. Today might be a good day to try
a new aftershave, or to get a better quality shampoo or conditioner.
You may want to make an appointment with a good hair stylist to
get your hair cut in a new way. Or you may want to get your teeth


96 / Chapter Three

cleaned. Wash and style your hair, and trim any unwanted hair in
your nose and ears. Notice how much more confident you feel when
you are well groomed and looking good!

2. Dress like a man who is confident with women
Go to your closet and look at your clothes. What are the best

outfits you have for seducing women, and what are the worst?

Notice the shirts and pants that you should wear more often, and

those that you should wear less around women. Also look at your

details: What are the most attractive shoes you own? The most

attractive belt? Hat? What earrings, bracelets, rings or other jewelry

do you have that might be attractive to women? What clothes fit

your body best, and are in best repair? What clothes make you feel

most attractive when you wear them? What is your most attractive

outfit?

Be aware that your most attractive outfit may not be the fanci


est, or the most expensive. You may not look best in a suit, for

instance; you may look best in a well-fitting sports shirt and a pair of

clean, ironed jeans, with nice sneakers and a black belt. Whatever it

is, put it on and wear it today. If you need to iron it first, do so. Notice

the confidence wearing this outfit gives you with women, and com


mit yourself to developing a wardrobe of clothes that make you feel

the same way,

3. Move like a man who is confident with women
At any time, you can change the way you hold and move your
body, and change your level of confidence and how you feel. If you
don't believe us, try slumping and slouching, letting your shoulders
come forward as if you were terribly depressed. Breathe shallowly.
If you really take on this posture, you will feel less confident, and
will eventually actually become depressed!

Fortunately, this works both ways. The same body you can use
to make you feel unconfident and depressed, you can use to make
you feel just the opposite. Try it now. Take on the posture of a man
who is confident with women. Imagine, as weird as it may seen, that
you are inside his body. How does he sit? How does he stand? Are

The Elements of Style: Dress and Confidence I 97

shoulders forward, or back? Put your shoulders there. Is his head
up or down? Put your head that way, too. Does this confident man
breathe deeply? Do it! What's this confident man's facial expression?
Try it out! It may seem crazy, but if you try it, you will notice a
difference; you may even want to stand up and practice walking
around with the posture of a confident man.

Imagine how useful this could be when you are approaching a
woman. Before talking to her you take on the posture that makes
you feel more confident and, breathing deeply, tall and relaxed, you
approach her. If you practice this posture every day, you'll find it
brings out your innate confidence, and becomes natural for you.

4. Pursue like a man who is confident with women
Now groomed, dressed and moving well, commit yourself to
having an interaction with a woman today in which you pursue her
romantically, while at the same time not worrying about whether
your outcome happens or not. Put yourself into the zone, and give
yourself the freedom of not worrying about the outcome. You may
want to commit yourself to asking a woman for her phone number.
You may want to ask a woman out. You may simply want to make it
clear to a woman you meet that you are attracted to her. Whatever
it is that you do, make it a little more risky than you are comfortable
with—and, most important, give up worrying about whether she

says yes or no.

Think again about the first questions we asked you at the

beginning of this chapter. What kind of woman do you want? What's

most important to you in a woman? Is it that she be tall, or short?

That she have wonderful breasts? That she be blonde, or brunette?

That she be smart, or rich? What exactly do you want?

And then think again about the next questions we asked you:

What kind of a man will you have to be to get that woman into your

life and into your bed? Are you that kind of man already?

If you are like most men, you've realized that you aren't yet the

kind of man you'll need to be to get the kind of women you desire,

What you need is to develop your personal style—your way of

dressing, and your confidence. You've seen how the way you dress

sends a message to women, and have learned how to take control of


98 / Chapter Three

that message so that it says, "I'm interesting, mature and attractive.
You want to be with me." You've learned that it doesn't matter what
nature gave you; what matters is what you do with it in how you
dress, move, and act. You've learned how to make your car and
home romantic, and learned how to overcome the two stumbling
blocks to confidence with women—fear of rejection, and fear or
hurting women. You've learned the importance of not relying on
women to validate you, but rather getting your validation from your
life. You've learned how to be in the zone with women by giving up
worrying about the outcomes of your seduction, and simply pursuing
what you desire, no matter what happens. And you've learned
the four things you can do today to be more confident with women

than ever before.
As you develop your personal style you will discover many
benefits it brings beyond simply being attractive to women. Once
you start, you'll find women are more attracted to you than they've
been before.

chapter four...

Where the Girls
Are; Meeting
Women for Sex
and Relationships


Imagine this scenario: After reading this book Jim decided to
call us because he was filled with questions, and wanted to attend
our world-famous "How to Be Successful With Women" workshop.
He explained that he was our "number one" fan. He told us he had
even recorded a homemade audio tape series of our book so that he
could listen to this book while in his car, on the train, and while
working out in the gym.

After a few minutes of discussion, we invited him to a course,
but we refused to tell him where or when it was being held. We simply
told him to get on a plane and meet us, still not telling him the
location or the date. Jim got annoyed with us because we didn't give
him any useful information. We just kept telling him to come to the
course without telling him how or where. He finally screamed into
the phone, "If you are not going to tell me any of the specifics, I'm
not coming to your damn course!" We replied in a calm and methodical
manner: "We're sorry you feel that way. We'd love you to attend

the course" yet still refused to tell him when and where it was. We told him what to do, bu

went nuts. Anybody would.
This is a good example of how most "authorities" will teach you
to meet and date women. They'll do what we did with poor Jim;


100 I Chapter Four

they'll tell you what to do, but not how to do it. They win tell you the
impractical theory without the telling you how to practice. Just
learning principles leaves most people feeling frustrated, empty, and

worse off than when they started.

The majority of men we've trained haven't had very good experiences
using empty theories like "be more hard to get" or "be more
outgoing" to get women. Dating advice usually takes the form of

unhelpful locker-room talk and equally useless bombast. Plus, the
guys who talk about getting women usually aren't the ones actually
getting them. You probably know men who are all talk and no action,
always bragging, yet always sleeping alone. The most successful men
seem to be surrounded by women with no apparent effort or planning.
Remember the guys who got girls in high school? They were not
always the brightest of the bunch. Often, they were the bad boys who
would skip class and get in fights. Or they were football players who
made a routine out of punching your lights out if you didn't do their
homework for them. They didn't have theory or any ideas at all, but
they had the proper action, and managed to get the girls.

Theory alone will not get you sleeping with the women you
desire. You know how hard it is sometimes to take a new idea and
actually use it those first few times. This chapter will show you how
to integrate seduction into your daily life. We'll also explore where
to meet women and fun gimmicks that can provide easy and outrageous
alternatives to meeting women in bars.

One common myth among single men is that there is a scarcity
of single women. Single men usually fail miserably to notice all
the women they have contact with in a typical day. Most men are
surrounded with women throughout their daily routines, but are too
blinded by the myth of female scarcity to notice. The solution is simple
in theory, but much more difficult in practice: You must notice
the women around you, ask them out, and create seductions.

This myth is not grounded in reality. Our research shows that
there are, at this moment, millions of single women waiting for you.
They are not hiding in the mountains or in caves; they are at bookstores,
shopping centers, bars, on the street, at work, behind the
check-out counter, in restaurants, everywhere. You simply need to
contact them. This chapter will show you how to turn every aspect
of your life into situations that could lead to seduction.

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships I 101

We will start with a blow-by-blow description of our desperately
lonely guy, Bob, and of all of his bone-headed mistakes. We will
compare him to our master seducer,, Bruce, and show you all the

he does throughout a typical day that attract women,

things he does throughout a typical day

The fundamental difference between Bob and Bruce is that
Bruce has many practices in place that have his success insured. He
doesn't only know the theory; he knows how to put the theory into
practice. But first, let's look at the typical, non-woman-meeting day
of Bob.

7:30 am, Bob wakes up to the loud ringing of his alarm clock.
Bob sits up thinking, "Oh no, another day. Can't I just go back
to bed and pretend I'm dead? This is going to be even worse than
yesterday. God, I wish I was sick today. Maybe I should call in to
work and tell them that I have the flu. I haven't met any women in
over two years."

Bob doesn't take time to shower. He looks around his dirty
bedroom floor for a pair of semi-clean underwear. He finds a pair
under his bed along with a wrinkled shirt that he puts on. His hair is
messy and he tries to make it look nicer by running his fingers
through it. He stares into the bathroom mirror and grunts to himself,
"I hate this." He finds an old pair of slacks in his closet hamper, puts
on his shoes, and off he goes to work.

7:45 am, on the way to work
Bob swears at the other drivers on the road. At a stop sign he
stares at a beautiful woman in the car next to him and wishes he
could be with her. She catches him looking and glares at him as he
looks quickly away. "I should just become a card-carrying fairy," he
says to himself.

7:55 am, the drive-through at McDonalds
Bob grumbles to the female employees and orders his normal
breakfast. He pays the cute young female cashier. She smiles at him
and he rolls his eyes. He drives off. He snarfs down his coffee and
quickly takes bites of his Egg McMuffin™. Flakes of the muffin drop
onto his shirt and pants. He ignores the greasy flakes and mumbles,
"I hate being late! Why am I always late?" as he drives the rest of
the way to work.


102 / Chapter Four

8:15 am, at work
He enters the door to the office and the receptionist Patty
smiles and says "Good morning, Bob," He grunts, "Hi. Traffic sucked
this morning, I hate that, all that God-damned traffic!" Having vented
his frustration at this attractive young woman, lie goes to his desk.

As he gets comfortable in his cubicle, his former girlfriend
Laurie calls to invite him to a party she's having later that month.
Bob gets angry and says, "Look, Laurie. I don't want anything to do
with you or your stupid parties! I hate parties!" She hangs up on him

and he gets to his work.
A few male employees stop by to say good morning to him and
he tries his best to get rid of them by typing and concentrating on his
computer while they talk. On a short break from work he gets onto
the Internet and looks at the personals ads in newsgroups. He thinks
they are stupid. "I could never meet women that way. I bet they are
psychopaths, or guys pretending to be women." He pops over to
his favorite Internet porn sites, drools over the hot women on them,
then gets back to work.

12:30pm, lunch time

Bob does his best to avoid people during his lunch break. He
either gets food from the company cafeteria and brings it to his cubicle,
or brings a book and reads in a cornier. Other people joke and
laugh. Bob looks at them with disgust. "What the hell are they so
happy about?" he thinks to himself. He stares at Marcia, the most
attractive woman at the company. She is sitting with a guy named
Bruce and having a great time. "What does that guy have that I
don't?" he asks himself. "He's not even that attractive."

Today Bob waits in line to pay for his chicken casserole. He
doesn't talk to any of the other employees in line, or the friendly 40year-
old cashier. He looks at women he wishes he could talk to, but
knows in his heart that they would just be unfriendly to him.
"Besides," he tells himself. "There's a big difference between a conversation
and actually finally getting some sex, I can't see why I
would even bother." He slumps back to his desk,

1:20pm, back to work

Martin, Bob's high school pal, e-mails him sexy e-mails from
women he has met on-line. Martin wants to know if Bob would be

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships ( 103

interested in going on a blind double-date with the women Martin
has met. Bob thinks that Martin is crazy and e-mails back that he has
standards, and would never go on a blind date. "Blind dates are for
losers," he explains. "It's like admitting that you can't get a woman
any other way." Martin gives up. and finds somebody else,

6:00pm, time to leave work

Bob goes home to watch TV alone for the rest of the night. He
orders a pizza and drinks two beers. He watches a porn video, masturbates,
and goes to bed.

From the start to the finish of his day, Bob lives in a vacuum.
Even when there are women around, he avoids them and rationalizes
his lack of contact by telling himself that the available women
aren't good enough, or would never want him anyway. He stays
horny, lonely, and depressed.

Now let's look at a day in the life of our hero Bruce, who leads
fundamentally the same life Bob does. The only difference is in the
approach,

6:00 am
Bruce is suddenly awakened by his very loud and obnoxious
radio alarm blasting the Jimi Hendrix song, "Foxy Lady." As the
radio blares, our gallant hero tries to smile. He rubs his eyes, stretches
his arms in the air, and thinks to himself that today will be a day
full of flirting, fantasy, and fun. He sings along with "Foxy Lady" and
improvises his own lyrics, "You know you're a sweet little heart
breaker. Oh, yea, you are my hot and sexy foxy lady. You turn me on
so bad. Oooooooh yea!" He laughs out loud and smiles.

He's unfamiliar with the next song, and it fades into the background
as the female DJ's sexy voice says, "The 10th caller will win
tickets to the coolest new movie and five new CDs," Bruce, halfway
through shaving, grabs his cordless phone and dials with a passion.
Though the line is busy he calls and recalls until he gets through.
Though he doesn't win the contest, he boldly flirts with the DJ and
lets her know that he is a fan. While talking to her, Bruce decides
that he will make her his newest "project," and he vows to call her a
few times per week. Could he get a date from this?

He brushes his teeth, puts on his clean, well-fitting stylish clothes,
and packs up his gym gear and briefcase for the next adventure.


104 I Chapter Four

6:38 am, on the way to the gym, in his car
Bruce is feeling good and sings along with songs on the radio.
As women pass in their cars he smiles, winks, and waves at them.
Some glare, some smile, some ignore him. He doesn't care.

He calls back the lovely DJ on his cell phone and asks her out
She says "no," and Bruce, undaunted, tells her a silly joke. He asks
for her address at the station so he can send her a card. By the way
he asks, does she have a boyfriend? Bruce figures, if she does, why
push for it if the competition is stiff? If she has a boyfriend, he may

as well move on to somebody else.
As he nears the gym a beautiful brunette in a sporty car passes.
She has pouty lips and looks like an erotic receptionist who
would pose in a "Sexy Secretary" Playboy pictorial. Even at this
early hour, Bruce is mesmerized with her. They seem to be going in
the same direction and Bruce smiles, waves, and winks at her as they
work their way through the busy traffic. She smiles and waves back,
and Bruce thinks he sees her blushing. He mouths "I love you" to
her, and at the next stop light pulls up next to her, writes "I'd love to
meet for coffee—please call!" on his business card, and tosses it
through her open car window. He takes the next turn, and is almost
at the gym.

7:00 am, at the gym.
Bruce goes to the gym at the same time four days a week.
Consistently working out at the same time pays off because it lets
Bruce know the "regulars" who also work out at that time. He can
build on his successes with the women he meets there, and slowly
chip away at his seductions.

As he walks up to the door, he flirts with Janet, who is also on
her way in. Bruce has seen her in the gym lots of times. She is with
her six-year-old son, Bruce says "hi" to the son, opens the door for
Janet, and checks her out. "So what if she has a kid," he says to himself.
She works out all the time, has a great body, and besides, it's all
practice anyway. As he walks in the club, he also smiles and flirts
with the girl checking IDs. Her name is Pauline, she's 23, and from a
small town. He always jokes with her about going to a bar to watch
the local college sports team. She always kids him back, and he
knows that they will indeed go out sometime soon. He patiently

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 105

flirts with her, knowing that if he keeps at it, his success with her is
inevitable.

While working out

Bruce changes into workout clothes. Even though he's no perfect
physical specimen, he's chosen workout clothes that make him
look good. They are clean, look neat, and smell good. While working
out on the exercise bikes, he smartly positions himself near a largebreasted,
sexy looking, mid-30s woman. Bruce hasn't seen her in the
club before. "Are you new here?" he asks, creating an opening for
conversation. After he introduces himself she tells him her name is
Fiona. They discuss her regular workout schedule. As she gets up to
leave, he asks for her phone number. She turns him down, but tells
him to meet her back at the club some afternoon next week. He
accepts her request and enjoys watching her walk away.

On the way to the weight room, Bruce says "hi" to other cute
female regulars. He uses every opportunity to talk to women. Even
if the women are not all that hot, he flirts anyway because he is as
smart as Bob is dumb. He initiates and maintains conversations with
women of all ages and all levels of beauty. Because of his persistence,
Bruce has dated and had sex with several women from the

gym.
He showers, and prepares for the next adventure.

8:30 am, he goes to his regular coffee shop
Bruce enters The Coffee Hut, his favorite place for flirtation,
coffee, and breakfast. He has selected a coffee shop to frequent that
is convenient for him and that has a large clientele of women. It
doesn't have the best food in town, but Bruce knows that the real
focus here is finding women to date, not eating the best food or coffee.


Bruce is already pumped up from his workout and is ready to
smile and talk to the lovely 22-year-olds behind the counter. The
woman making the coffee drinks is named Vicki. He has nicknamed
her "cappuccino mamma," She and several others of the other women
working there are very beautiful. Bruce talks to them about some silly
item in the news. They laugh and smile. He even thinks they look forward
to him coming in; at least they seem happy to see him.


706 / Chapter Four

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 107


While in line he talks to another woman. She is tall, dark, and
conservative looking. He talks about coffee and she seems distant
and scared. He introduces himself and talks to her until she gets her
coffee. She sits far away from him. Once again, he doesn't care. He
knows that the important thing is that he's being the kind of man he
wants to be, not how women will respond to him.

He sits down with a muffin, coffee, and a newspaper, his regular
routine. He strikes up a conversation with yet another woman
who is sitting near him. Having a newspaper helps him, because he
can comment on something funny or weird in the news. He gets her
phone number and readies himself for work.

9:75 am, our boy wonder arrives at work
The first thing Bruce does upon entering work is flirt with the
receptionist, Patty. He leans on her desk and smiles, saying "How's
the Goddess of Reception doing this morning?" He knows his company
policy on dating and is sure to never appear to be sexually
harassing while he flirts with the women at his workplace.

He gets to his cubicle, logs onto the Internet, and checks his e


l- He has been seducing several women he met on line by e-mail,
and several lusty responses are waiting for him. He composes a hot,'
letters-to-Penthouse-type reply, and with only minor changes sends
it to both of the women who wrote him, as well as to a woman he
had been seducing with whom he's lost contact. Aside from using
the Internet, he has also been focusing on placing and responding to
personal ads in the local free weekly papers. He has met six women
so far this way. He plans to meet a few more before the end of the
month. He composes a new ad, uses the office fax to send it to the

paper, and gets to work.
A little while later, a cute woman from the local print shop
enters the office to drop off brochures. He locks eyes with her and
they have a conversation. He finds out the type of movies and music
she likes and decides to call her sometime at the copy store to set up
a movie date.

Lunch time, 12-30pm

All this running around and working so hard has made our
hero hungry. He goes to one of his favorite lunch spots. While the

food is below average, it is near his office and many business women

eat there. Bruce selects his lunch spots just like he selects his coffee

spots: He goes where the beautiful women are.

While in line he smiles at two very sophisticated women wait


ing to be seated. "Isn't it fun to be waiting?" he asks in a sarcastic

tone. The two women smile and he introduces himself. As one reach


es out to shake hands, he kisses her hand and tells her that it is an

honor to make her acquaintance. He offers his business card to her

as she is seated.

He sits alone and jots down in his notebook a list of women as

possibilities for dating. He can't even remember the names of all the

women he is in the process of pursuing. On the way to the bathroom,

he talks to the not-so-hot-bartender. She knows his name and he

chats for a moment.

Bruce always uses his lunch hour as a time to flirt and practice
his seduction skills. Even if he is in a hurry, and has to eat at
McDonalds, he makes sure to go inside rather than using the drivethrough.
Going inside gives him more time to flirt with the young
women behind the counter, and to hone his skills even more.

1:20 pm, back to work
Bruce arrives back to work and checks his e-mail again for
more responses. A few more bored women, also at work, have
responded. He flirts through e-mail and sends them more seductive
Internet messages. He has also received a few messages on his home
answering machine from women he has asked out who want to see
him. (Secretly, the authors of this book wonder how Bruce keeps his

job with how little time he actually puts Into it.)

6:00pm, time to leave work

Bruce is already focused on what fun events he will pursue that
night. Every week he looks in the "Happenings about Town" section
of his Sunday paper, and figures out what options most appeal to
him. Maybe he will go to a lecture about dogs, or attend a burlesque
convention tonight.

He calls several women on his list and makes a date for 8:00 pm
at Suzi's house. Suzi has been an off-and-on lover of his for several
months. She's always happy to hear from him, and says that tonight


108 / Chapter Four

she wants to cuddle in bed and watch videos. Our hero ends up
going to her house, having sex for hours, and waking up into a new
day.

THE FOUR EXCUSES THAT KEEP YOU
FROM MEETING WOMEN


The reason Bob is so unsuccessful is that he lets negative
beliefs run his life. He is probably a lot like you, and certainly a lot
like us before we learned the secrets of seduction. His negative
beliefs and concerns dictate how he acts, which, in turn, dictate how
successful (or unsuccessful) he is with women. The concerns and
beliefs become excuses that Bob uses to keep himself from pursuing
women. The following four excuses are often occupying Bob's mind,
and they destroy his success with women. If you don't deal with
them, they will destroy your success with women, too,

Excuse 1- "It takes too much time."

Bob looks at his daily schedule and whines that he simply
doesn't have enough time. He can't meet women, he claims, because
he is always busy. He claims he's not scared of women, just too
rushed, overloaded with too many responsibilities. We know this is
not true. In fact, meeting women is not as time consuming as you
may think, and much of the "dead time" in your life - waiting in
lines, for instance—is prime women-meeting time.

As Bruce demonstrated, however, flirting and dating women
does take some time; there's no way around it. But it is worth it.
While dating women may take time up front, after the women are in
place, the time required to maintain the relationships is very mini


mal.
Bruce doesn't view flirting with and dating women as time-consuming
because he enjoys it so much. To him, it is his fun-time. It is
one of the things that brings him joy in his day. Occasionally it seems
like work, but usually he finds himself naturally interacting with
women and talking without any effort on his part.
Mastering any new skill does take an initial time and energy
investment. If you want to become a great basketball player, you

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships I 109

have to buy the right equipment and put in the time to learn the

basic moves and strategies. As your playing gets better, it isn't as

hard any more. You can get away with simply maintaining your skills

and condition, which takes a lot less time.

The same thing is true of dating. Once you have skills in place,
you won't have to spend nearly as much time on them, Bruce has
many things he does on a daily basis that keep him in practice and
make him succeed in dating. He talks to women, smiles and says
"hi," and flirts. These things don't take much time on their own, but
the cumulative effect is tremendous.

Excuse 2. "It'll hart my reputation."

Many men, Bob included, worry too much about their reputations.
They fear being "found out." They worry that their friends will
think they are desperate, and won't respect them. Many people look
down on men who are interested in dating, especially on those who
are only looking for short-term sexual relationships. Some men
don't even try with women, because of this fear.

You handle this by being careful. You must be discreet and
watch your back. It is okay to share your desires with your male
friends. One caveat, though, is that they must have earned your
respect. In male friendships it is often necessary to test the other for
his level of trustworthiness. If you trust another man, then you can
tell him about your project of dating; otherwise don't, A good rule
of thumb is to keep your dating life and work life completely separate.
It will insure your job and the integrity of your work relationships
and will give you more freedom when you are with women no
one else knows. After a while, if you have a serious girlfriend, then
she can visit you at work. Otherwise, no.

Bob uses concerns about his reputation as an excuse to not get
out there and talk to women. He says, "What if I do ask out that
woman I'm so interested in? I can just see how disgusted she'll be by
the idea, and I just know she'll tell all our mutual friends. I can see
them now, laughing at me." He also moans that he doesn't like to go
to pick-up bars because he fears he will see someone he knows.
These fears are totally stupid because if you see someone you know,
each of you has the same knowledge of the other. If you keep your


110 / Chapter Four

mouth shut, so will he. Having a certain level of concern about your
reputation is healthy, but a paranoia for all potential situations will
not allow you opportunities to meet women.

Excuse 3. "I just can't do it."

All of our students, at some point, have felt as though they
were fundamentally inadequate when it came to meeting women
and dating. Perhaps they were just beginning to learn how to date
women, and it all seemed too overwhelming. Or perhaps they had
asked out ten women in a row, all of whom said "no." Maybe the last
three women they had seduced had gotten almost to the point of
having sex with them, then decided to just be "friends." Whatever
the reason, it is only natural to sometimes feel as though you just
can't do it.

In a way, feeling like a failure is good because your dissatisfaction
can get you in action, ready to fight back and prove that you can
do it. Seen this way, feeling like a failure is actually an opportunity
to prove that you aren't one. You've probably experienced feeling
bad about something until suddenly you couldn't stand feeling bad
about it any more. People who are depressed often report that this
happens; they can't stand being so down anymore, so they begin
changing and improving their lives. It's sometimes said that it's best
to kick a man when he's down; that way, he'll get up faster. When
thinking you can't approach women gets painful enough, you'll naturally
start to approach them just to get rid of the pain of feeling ]ike
such a wimp.

The main thing you must do if you feel like you "just can't do
it" is to get support from other men. Mark found himself in this situation.
He was just learning how to seduce women, and it seemed
like everything he tried made him fall flat on his face. His attempts
at witty banter with women came across like drunken street-person
rantings, and his every interaction with women seemed forced. He
was ready to give up entirely, and came to us dejected.

"I just can't do it," he said. "It's hard and I'm not good at it and
I just can't go on anymore with it." He needed support, so we gave
it to him, just as you must be able to get support when your seduction
failures get you down. "Look," we reminded him, "of course it's
going to be difficult at first. If you hang in there, it will get better."

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 111

We went over his interactions with him, and gave him coaching
about how they could be improved in the future. By reminding him
that his dating problems were temporary, and by going over his
recent dates with him looking for problems, we were able to give
him the support he needed to get out there and keep trying.

You must make sure you get support when you think you can't
do it. If you have men friends who are also reading this book, go to
them to be reminded that things will get better, and to be reminded
of the long-term goal you are working for. Go to men who will
remind you of your successes with women so far, no matter how
small they may be. When you have support, you'll be able to keep
trying.

Excuse 4. "I don't know how to seduce women."

No one taught you, or any of us, how to meet and seduce
women. Some men are just "naturals" at it, while the rest of us have
been relying on hope and luck. In a way, "I don't know how to
seduce women" is a reasonable concern. After all, it's true, isn't it?

You are holding in your hands the answer to this final excuse.
Once you finish this book, and you know what there is to study and
practice, all you have to do is keep trying, and you will succeed.

These four excuses keep men from taking action to get the
women they want. You must give them up and stop whining if you
are going to become a seduction machine. As he goes through his
day, Bob indulges in these excuses constantly. Bruce does not.

LESSONS FROM THE MASTER

As you can see, Bruce acts in a masterful manner throughout
his day and produces results with women. While Bob acts like a putz,
Bruce is unstoppable. He focuses his attention, and his activity, on
getting women and having a steady supply of dates.

Bruce flirts with every woman

Many men complain that their one or two attempts to meet
omen and get dates didn't produce results. These men give up if
don't get instant gratification from women. They think that all


772 / Chapter Four

the time they spend thinking about sex and admiring women's bodies
is the same as being out there flirting and asking for dates. Bruce
is not like this. He knows that each woman he comes into contact
with is another possibility. He flirts and flirts and flirts. He doesn't
count on any one woman to be his source of sex; he is unrelenting in
meeting new women. Bruce learned a long time ago that he who
hesitates, masturbates, so he flirts with women at every opportunity.

Bruce knows that every seduction is a thousand interactions.
Remember when President Bush wanted everyone to join his thousand
points of light? We want you to join our new thousand interactions.
Whether you want a one-night stand, a long-term relationship,
or anything in between, you'll do much better remembering that
every seduction is made up of a thousand interactions.

Most men we work with get sloppy in their approach with
women and try to complete an entire seduction in a few small interactions.
They think that once they've met a woman, or asked her out,
the work is done. They fail to realize that successfully keeping a
woman happy and romantically interested is a daily, moment-bymoment
task, Bruce realizes this and knows that there is always
work to do. He never gets complacent with women. He is always
doing follow-up calls, e-mailing women, visiting familiar waitresses,
and making dozens of other bold moves.

The small consistent steps Bruce makes add up to big seduction
success. Always remember that it takes dozens if not hundreds of
initiations to get a woman in bed. You must do the work, just as

Bruce does,

Bruce turns every situation into a prospecting situation

As mentioned in Chapter Two, a successful seducer is always

prospecting, what makes Bruce so successful is that he never gives
up; he is constantly making every situation into an opening to meet
women and flirt.

All women are potential prospects for you. This means that
they are potential dates, girlfriends, one-night stands, marriage partners,
mothers of your children, or anything else you desire. When
you prospect, you are looking for women to interact with, and interacting
with them. You are like a salesman; when a salesman goes out

Where (he Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 113

looking for prospects, he is looking for prospective clients or cus


tomers. He will likely use any situation he is in to ask for a sale, and

ask everyone he knows if they know someone who could be a lead

or a potential sale. In this way, he turns every situation into a

prospecting situation. You have to do this, too.

One of our students, Derek, was a very successful real estate
agent. Over coffee he told us about a famed salesman who makes
millions of dollars every year in real estate. "So what?" we asked
him. "Lots of people make a killing in real estate. What's the point?"
Derek told us that the point was how this man had made his money.
This agent, he told us, walked house to house, knocked on every
door, and spoke to every single resident of his city. He asked them if
they wanted to sell their home, if they were looking for a broker, if
they had friends looking for a real estate agent, or if they were looking
for a new house. He was relentless in his pursuit, talked to everybody
he could about real estate, followed up every lead, and it paid
off for him.

You must be like this with women. Bruce is. If Bruce thought
that he could get the women he desired into bed by going door to
door, he'd do it. He's willing to do whatever it takes to meet women
he desires. You must do what Bruce does, and flirt and interact with
all women. We know you only want to talk to the really hot ones, but
that probably won't be useful in the beginning; you'll be too scared
of them to flirt effectively, anyway. We say, talk to all women. At this
point in your quest for women, the only quality they need for you to
flirt with them is that they must be breathing. It is that simple,

Bruce makes it a game

When we say "game," what do you think of? Many men associate
games with competition—of ten fierce competition characterized
by battle, conflict, hard feelings, losing and being upset. Or you may
be the type who associates games with intellectual, manipulative
ploys. Another type associates games with fun, creative expression,
freedom, and wonder.

For the sake of this book, "game" means something that is fun
and has no negative consequences if you make mistakes while playing
it. For most men, dating is serious, and any screw-ups have neg



114 I Chapter Four

ative consequences to their self-esteem. Dating seems difficult, like

a test of manhood, We want to change that idea. Dating will be rad


ically easier for you if you take it less seriously and make it fun.

Bruce thinks of dating as a game, and you must, too. Then you

create a lightness and a freedom in your life. Brace's attractiveness

with women comes as much from his game attitude as from anything

else. He's fun, playful, not too serious, and has a life women want to

be a part of.

Here are the rules of the dating game:

Rule I- Nothing is personal. Have you ever been playing a

game with other people when it suddenly stopped being a game, and

started being personal? One man tells us about a soccer league he

was in. The game was going great, when suddenly one of the players

attacked a guy on the other team. "Suddenly it wasn't a game any


more," he tells us. "He took personally a move the other guy made,

and just lost it." This is one of the quickest ways to destroy a game;

then it starts being real.

No matter what a woman does, don't take it personally. Does
this mean you can kiss a woman and grab her body and ignore her
saying "no"? Absolutely not. But when you say "hi" to a woman and
she glares at you, or when you ask a woman out and she says "no,"
you should simply not take it personally. If you do, you will suffer
and not get the sex you desire.

For example, you may want to tell yourself that a woman's rude
response to your smile is because she must have just found out
about a death in her family. Or you might tell yourself that she has
a hearing problem and didn't hear you when a woman ignores your
"hello." You may also blame a woman's coldness on the fact that she
has a stomach ache from eating too much chocolate. The point is,
you don't really know the reasons why she rejects your advances or
blows you off. If you take her behaviors personally, it won't be a
game anymore, and it won't be fun.

Bruce isn't pulled off course by women's negative responses.
He takes it in stride. When you do the same thing, you will be lightyears
ahead of most other guys.

On the other hand, if a woman responds favorably to your flirtations,
then you should take it personally. You should remember
that she is attracted you, and that you are the one who made it hap-

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 115

pen, so, feel acknowledged when things go well, and don't take it
personally when things don't work out.

Rule 2. Be playful. Recently we observed a below-averagelooking,
55-year-old overweight insurance salesman pick up on a
beautiful young woman. We were at a restaurant and he came in to
use the bathroom. He asked the cashier about some of the paintings
on the wall and joked with her about how ugly and out of date they
were. She laughed and smiled at him. She asked him if he wanted to
be seated, and he said that he was going to the nearby grocery store
to do his shopping. He reached out his hand to say good-bye to her.
She extended her hand and he kissed it slowly and said, "It has been
a pleasure meeting such a lovely and beautiful woman." She blushed
and fanned herself with a menu pretending that he had made her
hot and bothered. She gave him a drink in a to-go cup and asked him
to stay and talk to her. Because he was able to be playful, he created
an opening to charm her. This guy, even though he is below-average-
looking, has learned to swoon women and can easily get women
to date and have sex with.

Rule 3. Don't give up. Just like in any game, persistence
makes a difference. Even if you don't think you'll win the game,
you'll enjoy it much more if you don't give up and you play to win,
anyway.

This is Bruce's attitude. It doesn't matter to him if he wins or
loses, just how he plays the game, and he plays to win even when the
odds are against him. Most of the women he flirts with he never
sleeps with, but he doesn't care. He simply pushes each interaction
as far as it can go, then moves on to the next one. He knows that if
you give up in a game, the game is over. Because he enjoys the game,
he wants to stay with it.

Being persistent and playing to win makes you into a man who
doesn't give up easily, and being a man who doesn't give up will
bring you more success than you ever thought possible. There's a
story about a boy in a math class. He had dozed off, and awoke to
find the teacher writing a problem on the board. Thinking that the
problem was a homework assignment, he scribbled it into his notebook,
and took it home with him.

For the next two days, he spent every free waking moment
Working on the problem. Finally, he got the answer and took it to his


776 / Chapter Four

teacher. She was shocked—it turned out the problem was supposed
to be insoluble, and she had only written it on the board as an example.
He was able to solve it because he played to win, and didn't
know that he "couldn't." He didn't give up when the going got
rough, just as Bruce doesn't.

Rule 4. Use probabilities. One of the great things about sports
announcers is that they always throw probabilities into their commentaries.
They talk about how well a batter has batted against the
pitcher in the past, and compare this to his other averages.
Announcers then go off into the minutia, talking about how this batter
does against right-handed pitchers and compares this to lefthanded
pitchers. They talk and talk until no one cares anymore. By
that time a new batter is up.

In the dating game, probabilities are fun, too. They make the
game more fun and make interactions with women more about
numbers than about some huge ego risk. On a particular night you
may see a beautiful woman across from you in a bar and use probabilities
to create the percent chance that you could go home with
her. You might give yourself a 5 percent chance that she will talk to
you. There might be a 1 percent chance that you could buy her a
drink and a ,05 percent chance that you could sleep with her tonight.
If she's less beautiful or more drunk, your probabilities may go up.
It sounds silly, but using this technique creates a framework of fun.

When you follow the rules, dating becomes more like a game,
less threatening and scary, and more fun for everybody. You know
games have ups and downs, wins and losses. You don't go into games
putting your ego on the line, or feel like there's something wrong
with you if you don't win every time.

Have your friends egg you on

As men, whether we admit it or not, we love competition. It is
useful to use our innate competitiveness to egg on ourselves and our
friends to date more women and to do outrageous things we may
not normally think to do.

The authors of this book used this principle frequently to push
each other to get out and date more. We would tease each other and
dare each other to approach a beautiful woman. We placed bets on
each other's success and failure rates.

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 117

Once again, it's important to have male friends who are supportive.
If the competition becomes something that has you feel like
a failure, stop doing it immediately. We are encouraging you to have
friends to both console you when things go bad and encourage you
when you get scared and are not able to be in action. No one understands
all the potential pitfalls, problems, and pleasures of dating
better than another man. If you are a guy with few men friends, and
mostly hang out with women, this must change. Having male friends
egg you on will produce results that far exceed any advice that
women will give you.

Bruce relentlessly follows-up leads

Bruce is relentless in his quest for women. He is hitting on so
many women in one day that he couldn't care less if one or many
don't work out. He is focusing on the long-term goal of having
dozens of women he can call in an instant and sleep with that night.

He is constantly following up leads at restaurants, on the phone,
e-mail, and in the stores and other places he frequents. Like the hungry
salesman, he does what it takes to get as many women as he can,

Bruce knows it's a numbers game

Bruce lives his life from the "numbers game" analogy we discussed
in Chapter 2. He knows that like sales, dating is all about
numbers. He knows that if he flirts with ten women, one will give
him her number. If he sets up ten dates, four women will actually
show up. He knows that of those four, he will sleep with at least one,
Bruce uses this philosophy to boost himself up when he is rejected.
To him it is just one more interaction with a woman that will eventually
lead to a "yes."

Bruce flirts with and prospects lots of women

We've explained that master seducers not only play it like a
numbers game, but they also don't put all their eggs in one basket.
They pursue lots and lots of women.

Even if women are not receptive, the practice is well worth the
effort. Bruce views flirting and prospecting women as part of the
reason for his success. When you practice something long enough


118 / Chapter Four

you will develop mastery. By flirting often, you master your speaking
skills with women. All of us can point to skills in our lives that
we studied for a long, long time until we could do them effortlessly.
Riding a bike, tying your shoes and memorizing multiplication

tables are all examples.

Flirting with lots of women also generates a high level of vital


ity and confidence in yourself that is infectious to women. When you

are talking to many women your successes build on one another and

it helps you to get more dates and be more vital in other areas of

your life. One definition of vitality is that it is a reflection of how

bold you are in life. It can be measured by how much of a public per


sonality you are, how willing you are to be outrageous. Women want

you to be powerful and confident in public and private. Flirting with

lots of women will help develop these qualities in you.

Another reason to flirt with lots of women is that it will even


tually lead to big results. We believe that small, consistent actions

eventually lead to success. We all know the story of how successful

the turtle was because he was slow but steady, unlike the hare who

was quick but got sloppy and lazy. The same is true with pursuing

women. When you constantly flirt with women it will have a multi


plier effect, and aid in current and future successes with women.

Bruce pretends he is a world-class stud

We mentioned in Chapter Two about the importance of modeling
other men. It is useful to model your dress, approach, lines, and
general demeanor, after a highly successful seducer.

One of the things that Bruce does constantly is act like he is the
man. He acts in a confident manner. Secretly, Bruce models himself
after a character John Travolta played in the movie Get Shorty. He
also uses his friend Sam as a role model. Sam is always surrounded
by women and dates frequently. Bruce has learned that if he does
what Sam does he tends to be more successful with women than if

he doesn't.

Bruce leaves the house ready to party

Looking good at all times, no matter what, is an important part
of success with women. Many men make the mistake of leaving the

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women/or Sex and Relationships / 119

house not ready to meet women. We are not suggesting that you
always have to be wearing a suit. However, we are suggesting that
you seriously consider what you are wearing and consider whether
or not it is appropriate for meeting a woman. You read about this in
depth in the previous chapter. Even if you are wearing sweat pants
and a T-shirt you can present yourself in a manner that will be
attractive to women. Keep it in mind.

Bruce is always ready to flirt, no matter what. It's part of being
a world-class stud. Behind all of the flirtation is many hours of
preparation. He has memorized seductive questions and opening
lines. He has decided ahead of time how many women he will talk
to in a day. In later chapters you will learn pick-up lines and
approaches to meeting women. Bruce can easily use many different
approaches and ways to meet women, so he is ready to flirt in any
situation,

Bruce has studied seduction in great detail, like a martial artist
who studies and anticipates every situation. Like the martial artist,
Bruce prepares for all the different options and is ready to create
new alternatives that are easily applicable to any situation that may
come his way.

THE FOUR EASIEST PLACES TO MEET WOMEN

Bruce is in the habit of visiting the same places regularly. This
practice opens up many opportunities to ask out women and creates
a basis for rapport. Social scientists have shown that the more you
see someone and have contact with that person, the more attracted
you are. This is called attraction by familiarity. This fact alone should
inspire you to find ways to interact with the same people on a regular
basis. Here's a list of four places you can go on a regular basis to
meet women and create an attraction by familiarity,

/. Coffee shops

Coffee shops are rapidly becoming the hottest new place to
meet women. Singles all over the country are using them as potential
pick-up spots. The trend is not just happening in Seattle. We're
sure your local coffee place has a good sampling of women.


720 / Chapter Four

Bruce demonstrated how useful it is to become a regular at a
coffee shop. They tend to be like small communities. The same cast
of characters shows up at approximately the same time every day. It
is good for you to get into a routine with a place. This way you can
get to know the regulars. A woman may be sipping hot java and
hanging out with her friends. Or she may be reading a book or writing
in her journal. Knowing many of the employees and regulars
also make it easier to meet other customers,

2. Restaurants
Restaurants are another great place to find dates. Women love
to go out to eat. The better the food and more expensive, the more
women like it. Again, restaurants put people in a festive mood and
they're open to new experiences. Besides, women love to get dressed
up and go out. Even if you get rejected, it is good for your self-confidence
to be interacting with women who are dressed attractively.
The best restaurants in which to meet women are ones with large
bar areas and patio seating.

Waitresses are the best part of restaurants. By becoming familiar
with a restaurant and the waitresses, you can easily turn food service
into sex service. For example, Mark, a 34-year-old science
researcher went to the same restaurant three times per week for
dinner. Over tune he became romantic with Darlene, a waitress. He
allowed himself to build the romance with her slowly; after all, he
knew where she was, and that she'd be seeing him again. He never
was obnoxious or overly flirtatious. One night, he ran into her outside
of the restaurant at a nearby bar. They talked and he invited her
to a movie. They went out and ended up fooling around. They dated
occasionally after that.

3. Gyms
Everyone thinks gyms are crawling with singles looking for
dates and sex. This certainly hasn't been our experience. Perhaps
working out at the most industrial gym in town doesn't help. Gyms
are good, however, for making contacts with women and getting
occasional dates. We've often seen our gym full of chubby, married,
middle-aged women, who look annoyed when you even glance at
them. On the other hand, our students continue to report that

the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships I 121

they've met women at the gym. They comment that at the gym it is
fun just to stare at the tight-bodied females.

We recommend the gym to you because working out improves
your body and, hence, your net worth with women. By working out
a few times per week you can lose the gut and increase your stamina.
It is even said to increases your testosterone levels.

The other advantage is that some women are looking for a man
in the gym. By becoming familiar with a woman and her schedule,
you can start conversations and work on her over time until you ask
her out.

4. Bookstores
Are you looking for a sexy, smart, and untamed woman? By
frequenting bookstores you can meet lonely intellectuals. Women
you meet in bookstores will often be receptive to you because there
you will find women who are smart and can't find a guy. Why do you
think women read so many romance novels and weird fiction anyway?
Many bookstores are packed with women on Friday night.
They are looking for something, and it isn't just another Martha
Stewart book.

One of our students met an attractive woman looking at books
in the Sex section of a large chain bookstore. Though he thought it
was corny, he made a joke about the book she was reading. She was
receptive to him and they joked about penis enlargement toys,
Later, he got her e-mail address and they e-mailed back and forth
for a few weeks, and later dated.

We recommend meeting women in bookstores for all of our
intellectual students. The other added bonus about bookstores is
that many of them have attached coffee shops, so you can meet a
woman and then take her out for coffee right away to continue the
seduction.

THE NINE SECRET PLACES TO MEET WOMEN

What follows is a list of places that you probably don't associate
as prime woman-meeting spots. However, these are wonderfully
secret hidden sources of lonely women waiting for you. We recommend
that if you show up at one of the following events or places


122 / Chapter Four

and there are no women you are interested in, move on immediately.
If you quickly move on, and keep going on to the next opportunity,
you are destined for success,

1. Yoga classes
Your local yoga class is a great place to meet new-age women.
Yoga, in case you don't know, is a form of exercise similar to stretching.
Yoga comes from India and was used as a form of transcending
the body and mind together. We won't go into any more detail, to
avoid scaring you. Over the past few years yoga has become a popular
form of exercise among health-conscious women. Most cities
have many classes and women are usually the main ones teaching
and attending classes. A woman who has been active in yoga for
years usually has a wonderfully toned body. That's another added

advantage!
Fred attended a local yoga class and found himself in a room
full of 20 women and no other men. Since he was a beginner, he
failed miserably at the yoga "poses." Fred kept asking women nearby
for help. By the end of the hour class, he had four women offering
to help him outside of class. Other women were friendly and
receptive to him coming back, "It was great," Fred said. "I am all
over yoga class, like a hobo on a ham sandwich. I love talking to
these calm, airy-fairy chicks. They are fun to talk to and even more
fun to look at. I'm even finding some physical benefits from the
classes."

2. Cooking classes
Who do you think is attending all the exotic cooking classes?
Women, of course. Who do you think is concerned with making good
quality food? Women. Remember the cliche phrase, "The way to a
man's heart is through his stomach." Women attend classes to make
the men in their lives happy. Who do you think is not attending most
cooking classes? Men. They are the ones missing out on the opportunity
to meet women and learn great recipes.

Cooking classes are a great place to meet women for the same
reasons as yoga classes are. In these situations, you are a rarity, a
scarce resource. You will actually get rewarded for not knowing how

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 123

to cook and botching up recipes. Women in the classes will end up
feeling sorry for you and will often offer their services to help you.
You can ask them for cooking dates to get them to your house.
Furthermore, being in the class for six weeks or so will give you an
opportunity to get to know the women in the class and let the seductions
build on one another over time. Oh yea: You'll also learn to
cook. Weird, huh?

3. Church
A few years ago we had a student who claimed that church was
the ultimate place to meet women. His name was Bart and he was
the poster boy for geeks everywhere. He wore '50s-style glasses and
outdated pants. However, Bart was always active in his church and a
devout follower. He decided to use his faith to get women.

Bart began attending single events on weekends. He confessed
to several members of his congregation that he was looking for a
woman of faith. Since many churches like to promote dating and
relationships from within their communities, many members of his
congregation began setting him up.

The thing that amazed us was that these women had sex with
him. "Like bunnies," he told us. "Most of them couldn't wait to get
into bed." You may want to go to church this coming week and
check out the chicks while you pray,

4. Renaissance fairs
Summertime Renaissance Fairs happen everywhere, even in
your area. While fairs of any sort are great to meet women,
Renaissance ones are the best. These fairs attract the hippie, 1960s
women who value peace, love, and freedom. In short, these are the
types who will be open to meeting you and tend to be sexually open.

A group of our students attended a local Renaissance fair last
summer and had a great time. They quickly located groups of
women wearing long flowing dresses and patchouli perfume who
seemed open to flirting, talking, and more. After spending a few
hours walking around the fair, our students look the ladies to a nearby
bar. Our boys proceeded to party until dawn.


124 I Chapter Four

Another great place to meet women is with groups like the
"Rainbow People." The "Rainbow People," as they call themselves,
are basically hippies for the next millennium. They have local chapters
in many communities, and the women can be quite, um, open.
They also have week-long gatherings in the country at least once a
year, where lots of sex occurs. But bring your own water; lots of
dysentery occurs as well while people camp.

5. Outdoor music events
What could be more romantic than a concert under the stars?

Women eat up this type of event. Depending on the type of musician

who is performing, a concert can prove to be well worth the time and

money.

Such a music event is a great place to meet women, if you are

going alone. Single women attending in small groups are open to

meeting men; indeed, many of them go with that as their goal. If the

music is jazz, classical, or pop rock (not punk or hard-rock), it will be

easier to make a connection. The hard-rock outdoor shows will have

lots of drunk underage women. Obviously, you have to watch out for

women who look attractive and seem mature, but who in fact are 17.

The other problem with hard-rock concerts is that they tend to be so

loud, you can't talk.

The authors of this book once attended a jazz festival in

Concord, California, called The Concord Jazz Festival, Miles Davis
played as the headliner. It was a long day under the sun and when
night came it was cold. We used the cold as an opportunity to invite

three women sitting near us to cuddle under our blanket; they had
worn shorts, and weren't prepared for the cold. Because we had
talked to them off and on all day long, they felt comfortable with us.
We cuddled with them and later invited them to join us in our hotel
room for after-hours action. They accepted.

Because there is no magical solution, you won't always be so
lucky. However, you can persistent in going to places and attending
events where women will be open to dating, and you will eventually
have success.

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships I 125

6, The cooking utensil section of any store

Any gourmet cooking store is likely to have classy women
hanging out looking at utensils. These are the places in which you
have easy openings to talk. Your best bet is to visit on weekends. You
can then approach a good looking woman and ask her questions
about cooking utensils. Ask her for her advice on which garlic press
is the best and which spatula would be good for French food.

The women shopping in these stores will probably be over 35.
This is great if you are looking for marriage-minded women into
serious relationships, or for a divorcee who would love some sex.
This is not good if all you want is a roll in the hay with a 20-something
girl.

It will work well to be flirtatious right off the bat. The fact that
you are looking for gourmet items tells a woman a lot about you. It
says that you like "fine" food and probably "fine" culture. She will
like this because she will inevitably, like most women, be attracted
to high-class culture. It is to your advantage to speak about your
love of culture in the conversations you have with her. It will also
tell her that you are "refined" in the sense that you know what
"fine" things are, and you have a respect for them. Your interest will
set her hormones into overdrive and she will automatically put you
in the "possible serious relationship" category. You can also use this
approach at any place that sells expensive items, like a jewelry store,
an expensive clothing store, or a furniture store.

7. Dance classes
Dancing close to a woman is still one of the most romantic
things you can do. The old time male sex symbols are still popular
among women because they possess a flair for charm and romance.
Fred Astaire, Bing Crosby, and others are still the fantasy of many
women. Part of that charm was their ability to sweep a woman off
her feet with dancing and romantic talk. They could be subtle and
forward at the same time.

Dance classes are great places to meet women and start a
seduction. First, women respect men who learn "old time" romantic


126 Chapter Four

activities, like dancing. They will hopefully cut you some slack if you
are a crappy dancer—after all, you are attending the class to learn,
aren't you? Second, they will likely want to dance with you because
so few men take dance classes that you are a rare commodity. And
third, you will be able to flirt with them over multiple weeks, and

seduce them slowly.
Ballroom dance is a great way to hold women close to you and
perform the same moves they've seen master seducers do on TV and
in movies. Many people report that they feel "high" because of the
aerobic effects of dancing and that it adds to the feeling of romance.
Learning ballroom dance will also be helpful for weddings, formal
events, and even out in a dance club.
Brian, a 31-year-old computer programmer, used ballroom
dancing to meet several women. He was having a problem meeting
interesting and sexy women to date. His job forced him to be inside
most of the day, and he wasn't into the bar scene. Brian saw an ad
for the ballroom dance club on a local college campus. He decided
to start attending classes. To him it was good exercise, and a great
way to meet attractive students.
After a few months he became quite good at dancing, and
many of the women in the club asked him to dance during their
events, Brian had been used to having a primarily solitary life and
the new attention was fun and thrilling for him. He became a regular
member of the club and attended two dances per week. Brian not
only created a new social circle, but eventually began to seriously
date one of the women.

8. Bars associated with hotels where traveling
businesswomen stay
Businesswomen on the road tend to be open to sexual experimentation
and tend to be more promiscuous. The "high end" hotels
in your town will likely have many traveling businesswomen hanging
out in the bar or lounge area late at night. Yes, they are lonely,
and yes, they would love to have company. Just like their male counterparts,
they get lonely on the road and want affection, love, and
pampering from a man. You know how stressful it is to be on the
road, not knowing anyone, and having to be in charge for hours a

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 127

day at meetings. At the end of the day they want exactly what we
want: a warm body, a good beer, and sex.

Jack began hanging out at the most expensive hotel in his town.
He wanted to see how many women he could meet in the bar. He
started visiting the bar a few nights a week. For the first few weeks
all he met were boring computer geeks visiting for business. One
night, however, he saw a lonely looking 38-year-old. She was attractive,
wearing a business suit, drinking wine and scoping the room for
a man. Jack sat next to her and started a harmless conversation, as
we'll teach you to do in this book. They seemed to "hit it off right
away. They were both in the same business and she seemed very
smart. They talked for hours, until Jack was close to drunk. She
asked him up to her room. They had sex all night long, and Jack
woke up in her bed the next morning.

9. The Internet
Shy? Scared of talking to women? Scared of showing your
romantic interest, taking charge and risking rejection? Of course
you are. No problem, though: there is a place where you can practice
seducing women where any rejection seems minimal, successes are
easy, and you can refine your style and your understanding of seduction.
This place is the Internet.

If you are lonely, shy and horny, you must get onto the international
sex superhighway called the Internet. The parts of the
Internet we are concerned with here are the World Wide Web,
Personals Ads Newsgroups, and Internet Chat Rooms.

The World Wide Web. The Web is, by and large, a dumb place
to look for lovers. It's also where most men go right away, because
of the dirty pictures and stories you can find there. But finding
spanking material is not the same as seducing women. To actually
find women to interact with sexually, you need to leave the Web
alone, and concentrate on Personals Ads Newsgroups and Chat
Rooms.

Personals Ads Newsgroups. With a "Newsreader" application
you can explore "Usenet," a selection of thousands and thousands of
special interest "newsgroups." Anyone can post to most of these


128 / Chapter Four

groups, putting up letters that anyone can read and respond to,

either in the group or personally directly to their e-mail addresses.

There is a large selection of groups that consist mostly of personals

ads, and that's where you want to go to start placing seductive post


ings for women. We'll talk more about personals ads of all types, and

how to write them, in a later chapter.

Chat Rooms. Most easily accessed if you are on a large service
like America OnLine, Chat Rooms are places where everybody
types at once, and what they write shows up on each other's screens.
Most of what goes on in Chat Rooms is infantile ("Hey, who's
here?" "Are there any women here?"). But with some looking you
can find sex and romance groups in which to talk to women about
their experiences of romance.

Can you find a woman you will end up having sex with on the
Internet? Possibly, but bear in mind several things. First, you are
there to practice. Second, she may very well be fat. You can almost
count on it, though it is not a 100 percent fact. Third, she may live far
away, be married, or be holding back some other unpleasant surprise.
Keeping these three caveats in mind, you can definitely have
success seducing women on the Internet:

* You get to practice. We advise all our students to hone their
seduction skills on the Internet.
* You get successes. Women who write you erotic letters give
you a sense of having an abundant sex life, and that abundance
makes you more relaxed around women in real life.
* You can get phone sex. This is a very common benefit. Many
of our students have phone sex partners they met on the
Internet who they can call at any time, day or night, to get
them off. These women live in distant towns but are available
for phone sex where it doesn't matter how fat she is. You too
can have free phone sex if you follow the Rules and get on
the Net!

* You can get real sex. Some of our students have traveled to
meet these women, as well. One tells of being in a distant
town where one of the women he met on-line lives. He had
been having lots of e-mail sex and some phone sex with her.
He let her know he was coming to town, and she suggested
Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 129

they get together. Even though she did try to ruin it at the last
moment by saying that they had to be just friends, he persisted.
He said being just friends was fine, and got together with
her anyway. "When I first saw her, she was dressed so hot," he
says now. "I touched and kissed her within the first five minutes,
then said, 'I know you just want to be friends, but the
chemistry is so strong! I'll stop right now if you want.' She
said 'I want you to take me' and we had sex all night long. I
found out later she only said the 'just friends' thing because
she was afraid I wouldn't want her! We still have sex on the
Net and she wants me to stop in next time I'm in her town,"
Internet seduction can definitely work.

* You can get more! People do find the partner of their dreams
on the Internet. It does happen. You simply must be persistent
and willing to put the time in.
The bottom line is this: You have no excuse to not be meeting
women, even if you are shy. If you offend a woman on the Internet,
in a letter, or in voice mail message, she simply doesn't write or call
back. So what? The Internet is a place to build your confidence and
develop your seduction skill mastery.

BABE BAIT: GIMMICKS THAT MAKE WOMEN
WANT TO MEET YOU

Every highly successful ladies' man has some sort of a gimmick.
Elvis used his fame, wealth, and charm to get any woman he
wanted. JFK used his power as President to sleep with hot babes like
Marilyn Monroe. Wilt Chamberlain used his basketball prowess to
sleep with thousands of women. Since you probably aren't rich and
famous, you will have to come up with more creative ways to attract
women's attention. Here are some possibilities.

Dogs/dog related activities

Women love dogs. Dogs remind them of a carefree time in their
childhood when they would dream of horses, puppy dogs, and
Barbies, Not only do most women think dogs are "cute" (especially


130 / Chapter Four

puppies), most of the people who go to dog training workshops and

attend conventions are women.

Sure, you like dogs. They are fun to play ball with. Maybe
had a big dog when you were a kid, and some of your best memoirs'
are of your attempts to get your dog to bite people. While you
ably associate them with pleasure, you may not associate dogs with
romance, charm, and meeting women. You should, Believe dogs
can be used as the perfect gimmick for shy guys who have a' hard

time making the first move.

The gimmick is that you play up your interest in dogs or have
one that attracts women. For example, on a brisk fall walk in a
park, Clem noticed a spot filled with women and their dogs.
Clem approached one of the women and said that he was interested
getting a dog. Did she have any suggestions as to what kind to
, Could she help? He looked at her with his big boyish innocent

She couldn't resist, and they ended up talking for an hour
about the advantages and disadvantages of different breeds. At the
end of the discussion he asked her for her phone number, requesting
that they go to the kennel together. She said "yes" and they went

out later that week.

Dog shows, dog training weekends, and dog training classes are
all great places to meet women. One of our students went to a dog
training weekend where there were 120 women and four men!

While not all of these women were attractive, a few were, and he got
several dates out of it with ease. Dog shows are almost all women.
Go to them, even if you don't have a dog!

Most cities have dog parks, where people can go to run their
dogs. You should go there, too. And if you have a dog, for goodness
sake, take some dog training classes. You'll meet women and have an


obedient dog, too!

Go to personal growth seminar

solution include a hot night with you? A

growth

may be your ticket "-A

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women/or Sex and Relationships / 131

One of the key elements of most seminars is the deep level of
bonding that quickly happens between participants. At a personal
growth seminar, you will be in a group of people who are there to
break out of their normal day-to-day routines and try something
new. This can be a good environment for you to experiment with
new behaviors with women who will be much more receptive than
those on the street or in a cafe.

Another element of most seminars is that they stress honesty.
Usually this means emotional honesty. People who reveal their
innermost secrets are often rewarded by the group leaders and gain
the respect of fellow seminarians. This environment is perfect
because you can come across as Mr. Sincere and Mr. Emotionally
Honest & Available when you are actually just hitting on women.

On a break you could walk up to the most beautiful woman in
the room and say something like, "I've never told anyone this
before, but I am finally realizing that I am a fully sexual being. A sexual
man who has both emotional and sexual needs. Does that make
sense to you? Have you ever thought you were not honest with
yourself or people in your surroundings about what you really want
in relationships?" In an environment that stresses honesty and sharing
you can approach many women and honestly express your
attraction, ask them out, get to know them better, and practice your
new skills.

Another advantage is that most women attending will be open
to meeting you, and may even approach you first. Some will actually
be attending with the sole purpose to meet a man. Some will even
be there just to find sex partners! There will also be women attending
because they want to explore some inner turmoil and may suffer
from both the "innocent-victim syndrome" and the "unbelievably
gullible disease." This is both good news and bad news. It is good
because they will be open to dating and sharing with you. It is bad
news because they may have psycho tendencies and may end up
being more of a pain than they're worth. Later we'll teach you about
psycho chicks, and provide you with the necessary diagnostic tools
to spot these women. In the meantime, some may be fun to date.

You may find the information presented at the seminar useful,
too. We've observed that the clearer a man is in his purpose in life


232 I Chapter Four

and the more clarity he has about his relationships, the easier time

he has with women. A seminar may help you in this task. The only major downfall of seminars is that they may cost too

much money. For the untrained man, the personal growth seminar
world is a mess. You have all the new-age crystal healing courses
self-esteem seminars, anger management courses, erection problem
support groups (avoid these for meeting women), divorced
dads groups, and then companies, like Career Track, which run
seminars, too. The prices range wildly, from $50 for a day to $3,000
for a week-long corse in how to become a spiritual master. We are
suggesting spending, at the most, around $350 for a weekend


course.

Remember that some seminars are for men only. You won't

meet women there.

Volunteer for causes

Do you remember what the biggest obstacle is when you meet
a woman? The correct answer is that she will be concerned about
whether or not you are violent and who will harm her. When she
meets you at a volunteer event this concern can disappear quickly.
What kind of men volunteer to help worthy causes? Guys who are


trustworthy, honest, and responsible.
Many opportunities to volunteer for causes will lead to meeting
women. You will usually be working side by side with a woman,
or will have a woman leading a team of volunteers (this is an added
bonus for all the submissive guys out there). Women volunteer for
causes much more than men, so in the crowd of women volunteers
you be a novelty. Women will think that you are sensitive, moral,
and safe, and your net worth to a woman will increase.
If you follow the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Seducers,
you will be a man with direction in his life, and one who consistently
focuses on his values and expresses them in the world. This type
of inner discipline, determination, and focus will make you stand out
to women. Being a volunteer can not only help increase your confidence
in yourself, but will lead to having the life in which you love.
As a result, you will be that much more marketable to women When
a man does things to help his community, stands up for a cause he

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women far Sex and Relationships / 133
believes in, participates in a political campaign, or raises awareness
for an issue he feels strongly about, he is seen as a leader and com-
mands the respect of one.
Imagine that you are helping with registration at a 10K Run
For Nature. You show up early on a Saturday morning and meet all
the hot women there to compete in the race. You flirt openly with
them. In the process, you get to check out hundreds of women
dressed in tights, short shorts, and various degrees of undress. In the
process, you probably work with many women who are there to vol-
unteer and have fun. You meet a woman at a nearby table and talk
to her after the race begins and make dinner plans for that night.
Jose, a 40-year-old divorced father, volunteered to be part of a
fund-raising banquet for children. As a father, he wanted to help
raise Christmas funds as well as an awareness in his town about
child poverty. Besides, he thought, it would help get his mind off
women. He was lonely during the winter season and wanted to think
about "larger issues." He spent two months attending weekly meet-
ings and calling local restaurants to donate food. At the first meet-
ing he noticed Caroline. She was bubbly, 42 years old, and above
average looking with a good body. Jose decided to work with her on
a committee. They were in frequent contact on the phone and Jose
suggested they meet at a bar for meetings. Over the two months Jose
not only solicited several restaurants to donate food, but he also
began dating Caroline.
Volunteering is a good way to not only meet women, but to
increase you net worth around them. You develop confidence and
begin to focus on someone else for a change. This is a skill you will
need if you ever want to have a long-term relationship.
Magic Tricks
This gimmick is time consuming on the front end. You have to
learn a few tricks and practice them. Your guy friends may think you
are a freak, but the women you meet with magic will be charmed.
Women love to be entertained by men. Learning a wide range
of magic tricks can prove useful in meeting women in any situation.
Brian, a 36-year-old average looking guy who works at a bank, first
told us about how useful magic tricks are in meeting women. Brian

134 / Chapter Four

described them as "ultimate conversation starters with any woman
at any time."
Brian uses magic tricks to meet women whenever he has to
wait in lines, on airplanes, at a restaurant, even while shopping at the
grocery store. Recently, while waiting in a line for movie tickets
Brian started talking to two women. His initial opening lines didn't
go well. They ignored him and one gave him a dirty look. He asked
them if they would be interested in seeing a magic trick, explaining
that he was studying magic and practicing for a show at a local club
They said "sure." He pulled out a deck of cards and asked them to

each take one. Brian went through an elaborate slight-of-hand trick
and the two smiled. They began talking and the women asked him
to sit with them during the movie.

Once again, this gimmick made Brian look like a "good guy,"
someone who was certainly trustworthy. Magic can be used to meet
any woman at any tune. Also, you can use magic to entertain children
so that their mothers will be amused and be interested in meet


ing you.

Carry something odd

The downtown shopping area is filled with shoppers. Women in
groups are window shopping and thrilled to be out spending lots of
money at their favorite activity. Then comes you, the man holding
the four-foot-tall stuffed bear or dog. The women laugh and want to
touch it. "Where did you get it?" they ask.

This gimmick is very simple to use. The only requirement is the
purchase or loan of a large stuffed animal. Women will instantly be
attracted to you and the animal. It is best if you sit on a bench or situate
yourself in an easy accessible area that invites people to talk to

you with ease.
Guys will think you are a dork. But while they are thinking
that, you will be meeting women. It is best to start long conversations
about your stuffed animal. The short conversations will be fun,
but will rarely lead to dates. Focusing on longer conversations will
insure more dates, and more long-term success.


Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 135

Babies

Do you want to insure dates tonight? Borrow a friend's baby
and women will be all over you. Babies make all men look like great
guys and will draw every woman in a 100-yard radius. They will
instantly want to be with you and help with taking care of the baby.
They will even want to date you just to be around the baby.

The obvious problem is that no sane person will loan you a
baby so that you can go out and meet women. Realistically, the
best strategy is to go around with a friend in hopes of meeting a
woman. Taking a baby on a walk in a stroller with your male friend
is much better. Women will want to come up and answer questions
for you. If you pretend to be helpless and stupid it will work better.


Hand puppets

We once were sitting on a beautiful public outdoor terrace at
the local university on a sunny afternoon, when a guy with a large,
muppet-sized hand puppet arrived. We watched amazed as he took
this charming puppet to each table, and charmed and entertained
everyone there. He talked to all the women there, from the least
attractive to the most, and ended up sitting with a group of laughing,
giggly women. We never found out what happened to him and
whether he got sex, but we admired his willingness to do what it
takes to get the attention of women.

Bead romantic poetry at poetry readings
and open-mike events


With the explosion of coffee cafes, there has also been a rise in
poetry readings and open-mike events. These are perfect opportunities
to meet artistic women who would like an intellectual man to
melt their hearts.

A woman wants to be with the kind of man who writes or
recites poetry. She sees this type of man as a challenge. He is artistic,
and so isolated from the world that no other woman has been


136 I Chapter Four

able to reach him. She wants to be the one who finally brings him out

of his shell,

You can get up and read anything and get women to talk to
you. We recommend reading something romantic, as it will improve
your chances of seduction. You could read a poem about how war is
bad or how sad it is that children starve, but then women will be
much less likely to respond. Read about love, and love you will get.

You can find short seductive poetry from books in the library.
Shakespeare collections, or better yet, write some of your own.'
Something cheesy like the following will work well.

You,
I saw your lips move as you moved past me
My heart races as I think of your eyes,
I wish I could be the air you breathe,
You,
I want you
You,


I lust in my heart for you
You,
In candlelit rooms we enter each other


We disappear for hours in tender kisses
You,
My special angel, I want only you


Reading poetry provides a way for women to talk to you and a
reason for you to talk to women. It will give you confidence and let
women know you are a romantic guy. As we'll discuss later, when
you describe a state of mind or a feeling, like lust and desire, the person
you are speaking to win automatically remember what it is like
when she feels that state. When you read a romantic poem, all the
women in the audience will have to recall times when they felt the
feelings you describe in your poems. Those are the feelings you want

them to have, and it makes it easier for you to talk to them later.

Gimmicks can get women talking to you. As you develop your
ability to come up with gimmicks that attract women and express
some special part of yourself you'll find yourself surrounded by

women who want to be with you.

Where the Girls Are; Meeting Women for Sex and Relationships / 137

In closing, you no longer can make the excuse that there are no

women out there, or that you are too scared, or that meeting them is
too hard or takes too much time. You no longer have to wait until
you "get lucky," and meet a woman, and you no longer have to live

a life of helplessly hoping for better times.

Women are everywhere. You encounter them constantly, and
regularly pass up opportunities to surround yourself with them. This
is not just "positive thinking," or some other new-age noise. If you
give up your excuses, flirt with every woman you see, allow your
seductions to build over time as a thousand little interactions, turn
every situation into a prospecting situation, make meeting women a
game, have friends egg you on and support you, follow up on every
lead, and leave your home looking good and ready to party, you'll be
ready to meet women. If you frequent a coffee shop, a gym, a restaurant,
and bookstores, you'll also find women to meet.

If you take the trouble to go to a yoga class, a new age event, a
cooking class, a personal growth seminar, or a renaissance fair, you'll
also find plenty of women you could meet. And if you have a gimmick,
you can even get women to talk to you first!

You now know where to meet women. The next thing you need
to know is how to meet them. That is the topic of the next chapter.


chapter five...
Flirting

Without Disaster



SO YOU'VE FOUND THE WOMEN TO TALK TO:
NOW HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Many men are very analytical in their approach to life. They
think about life practically, and they think about women practically.
They get caught in the paralysis of analysis. This is a huge error,
Romance is not practical, logical, or even sensible.

Bob thinks women and romance should be logical. When he's
been attracted to women and had the nerve to actually approach
them, he's figured that it's best to be direct. "After all," he says,
"women like men who are direct and honest. What could be more
honest than telling them about my attraction to them?" He's tried to
seduce women friends by explaining to them how logical it would
be for them to have a relationship. "You say you like me, and I like
you. It doesn't make any sense for us to not get involved!" He's
never understood why they've said no to him. His practical, logical
approach drives women away.

WHAT IS FLIRTING?

To date women successfully you must master flirting. Flirting is
not practical or direct. But it does follow basic principles, and once


140 I Chapter Five

you understand them, you'll be miles ahead of other men in talking
to and being successful with women.

Think about kids playing together. They don't try to accomplish
anything; all they are interested in is games. They take on roles
with each other effortlessly. They play cowboys, and one kid is the

cowboy, another is the Indian. Or they play house, and one kid is the
father and the other is the mother. Or they play doctor, and one kid
is the doctor while the other is the patient. (That's the kind of playing
you want to do with adult women!) They dress up to get into the
roles better. They let their imaginations run free. It's all ultimately
meaningless, but they don't care; they just want to have fun.

They also love games, both pre-made and ones they make up.
And most of the time, they aren't overly concerned about winning.
Just being together playing is enough to make them happy Kids
relate by playing, and if they can play, they feel related to each other,
though they don't think about it that way. Playing is a way of being

in "the zone" together.
Adults play differently. First, let's look at how men play with
men. We usually don't think of it as play, but watching sports together,
or talking about sports, is a way men play with each other. After
all, sports are ultimately meaningless: which team wins the NBA
title this year really isn't going to make that big a difference in the
grand scheme of things. It really isn't. Sorry. But the point is, by caring
about it together, by watching the games, yelling and screaming
at the players together, and keeping track of the player's statistics,
men play together. Because of all this, they are feeling the togetherness
and un-self-conscious love for each other that kids feel.
The other way men play together is through joking with each
other and playing jokes on each other. The little jokes that men
make about each other, the loving insults traded back and forth, are
bonding for men.
Men and women, on the other hand, play together differently.
As most men have discovered, playing with women the way they do
with men doesn't work. Women aren't interested in sports statistics.
And the jokes you make with your buddies only offend the women
you know. Having learned this stuff the hard way, men decide to not
play with women at all. They approach women the way Bob does,
logically and practically. And they get no results at all.

Flirting Without Disaster / 141

Flirting is the way men and women play. If you can't flirt, you
can't play with women, and if you can't play with women, they won't
be romantically interested in you. Flirting is one of the ways women
find out what you'll be like as a lover, and what you'd be like in a
relationship. If you aren't playful, imaginative, and fun to be with
when she first meets you, what will you be like to date? And what
will you be like in bed? Bob impresses the ladies as a cold fish. He
seems stiff, analytical and calculating. Even if he can logically show
them they should be interested in him, his lack of playfulness
doesn't touch them inside. His outcome-oriented approach is anything
but playful.

Let's look at how Bruce, an accomplished flirter, handles
women he is attracted to. At the bank, for instance, he flirts with the
cute female teller as he makes his deposits. "So," he asks with a
smile. "Do you get to keep a percentage of all the money you take
in each day? It only seems fair, don't you think?" She laughs and
says, "Oh, that would be nice, especially on payday." He jokes that
"but then you might get docked a percentage of the money that goes
out! We can't be having that happen to you!" She laughs again, and
notices her connection with him. As he leaves he says, "Thank you,
0 Banking Goddess!" "It's not a bank—it's a credit union!" she
laughs after him. He leaves, and thinks about how happy she'll be to
see him next time.

Bruce knows that flirting with a woman creates opportunities.
It's a chance to have fun interacting with a woman, to build up to
asking her for a date, and to pre-qualify women to see if they are
interested in sex and relationships. When Bruce flirts, he has fun and
makes women like him. He finds out how responsive they are to
him, and prepares them for going out with him. Teaching you how to
do this is the focus of this chapter.

YOUR GOAL IN FLIRTING

When Bruce leaves the bank, he's left the teller delighted, and

looking forward to seeing him again. Indeed, this is Bruce's goal. In
any flirting situation with a woman, your goal is for her mind to con-
nect the idea of seeing you with pleasure. Any effective seducer

742 / Chapter Five

knows that women respond to their emotions, not to their logical

minds. An effective seducer uses flirting to get women to have happy

emotions every time they see him.

Flirting makes women happy to see you through a process

called "anchoring." Anchoring simply means that a certain stimu


lus—be it a sight, a sound, a smell, or a person—is always connected

to a certain feeling. Most people, for example, see a police car in

their rear-view mirror, siren blaring and lights flashing and connect

with the feeling of fear, Their feelings automatically respond to the

police-stimulus, their heart pumps, and they feel afraid. The two are

anchored together.

Similarly, Bruce knows that he is the stimulus, and the feeling he
wants to create is happiness in the woman. Just as a person automatically
responds with fear to seeing a flashing police light, Bruce wants
women to automatically respond to his presence with pleasure. He
knows that flirting is the structure in which he makes this happen.

WHAT FLIRTING DOES

Flirting is the key to a successful seduction. If you master flirting,
you will also master the art of seduction and vice versa. All masters
of seduction also have skills in flirting.

You build rapport

"Rapport" simply means that she likes to talk to you, and feels
good doing it. When you are flirting, you usually aren't talking about
anything heavy or deep. You are probably talking about something
fun, or silly. She feels pleasure, and you feel pleasure. This creates
rapport.

You make her feel safe by returning to the same topics

again and again

As you'll see in this chapter, in flirting you'll often have a "running
joke" with a woman. For example, Frank, a 44-year-old college
instructor, has been flirting with a woman at his local health food
store for several weeks. She's pretty, red-haired, tattooed, and in her

Flirting Without Disaster / 143

mid-twenties. Frank thinks she's quite beautiful, and that she'd probably
be a lot of fun in bed. The first time he met her, she was wearing
an old military shirt and jeans, and he joked with her about her
being a marine. "Hello, major," he said to her. "I see you are wearing
your fatigues. Doing some covert operations here at the health
food store?" "Oh yes," she responded, immediately drawn into his
silly idea. "I'm here watching everyone, to make sure there are no
foreign spies." They joked along this line for a while, and as he left,
Frank said, "I'd better leave—I don't want to blow your cover!" and
she laughed. Since then, every time he's come in they've built on this
comic scene. She's always happy to see him, and loves the special little
world they create together. Plus, he always has something to talk
with her about.

Flirting lets you get to know her to see if you want her

Contrary to what you might think, you really don't want to get
involved with every attractive woman you meet. We'll talk about
this more in Chapter 12, but for now, simply understand that flirting
is a chance to find out if a woman is dangerously unstable, or a cold
fish who is not interested in sex.

Ted found this out the hard way. Carolyn was attractive, drunk,
and interested in Ted. He met her in a bar, and they went to bed
within fifteen minutes of meeting. "We met, she said, 'I want you,'
and we went to my house immediately," Ted relates. "It was cool to
get sex so fast, but immediately after we had sex, she said, 'Wow, it's
so great to have a boyfriend at last.'"

Ted's personal Hell had begun. From then until he finally got
rid of her, Carolyn was a constant, unwanted fixture in his life. She
broke into his house and was in his bed when he got home, she
called and filled his answering machine with crazy messages again
and again. She harassed his friends and wouldn't ever leave him
alone. He finally had to call the police to get her out of his life, "I
wish, now, I hadn't been so 'successful' with her that first night," he
says now, "If I'd taken the time to flirt with her more, I might have
found out how crazy she was."

So how do you use flirting to evaluate a woman's stability?
First, flirting helps you gauge her fear of you. If she has an enduring



144 / Chapter Five

fear of you, she might not be worth pursuing. It's important to
understand, however, that there is a difference between this enduring
fear and the temporary fear that almost all women will experience
when they first meet any man.

At first, you'll be flirting through her fear, overcoming it with
your certainty that everything will be okay. After your second or
third interaction with her, however, she should be lightening up and
joking back with you. If she isn't, you can certainly keep flirting with
her to keep in practice, but you should probably give up on her as
someone who you'd want as a sexual partner. A woman who can't
play with you will not be fun to be in any kind of relationship with.

Similarly, you may discover that she is extremely sensitive and
easily offended. If your flirting with her makes her angry, or if she
delivers a lecture about how "there are some things you just don't
joke about," you know that you want to avoid her. Likewise, if she
starts to cry, or interacting with her scares you or makes you want to
cry, you should avoid her as well. If Ted had taken the time to flirt
with Carolyn, he would have seen her fundamental instability, and
steered clear.

Flirting helps her feel safe with you

Remember women's number one fear when they first meet
you? They are rightfully worried about whether you are dangerous
or not. If you are able to be playful with a woman, she relaxes.
Subconsciously she reasons, "He's making me feel good. Therefore,
he's not dangerous." Men who can't flirt often scare women because
they are so tense and cold that the woman's natural fear of men is
amplified, rather than dampened. When you can flirt playfully, you
also show women you aren't overly concerned about hurting her,
which, as we discussed in Chapter 3, will make her less concerned
about getting hurt.

Flirting gets her used to the idea
of being romantic with you


When you flirt with a woman, you create a different, imaginary
world for the two of you. It's a small step from this world of flirting
to the world of romance.

Flirting Without Disaster / 145

Flirting gives you opportunities to practice
your seduction skills


We suggest that all our students flirt with women constantly.
Flirting gives you a chance to nibble away at learning seduction, like
a mouse eating cheese, until you have mastered seduction. When
you are first learning to flirt, it is important that you do it with all
women, not just the ones you are attracted to.

Flirting makes you generative

When you flirt, you are always creatively making up new ways
to delight the women who interest you. You can't do this if you are
into being depressed, needy, resentful, moody, or shut down. To flirt
well you have to be energetic and creative. Ultimately, women like
to be with men who are generative. Fortunately, practicing flirting as
we describe in this chapter will actually take you out of your moodiness
and make you into the alive, vital kind of man who gets
women.

Flirting gets you the date!

There's not much more to say. The more you flirt successfully
with a woman, the more natural it will be for her to want to go out
with you.

FLIRTING WITH HUMOR

Remember this: you want to make women laugh. If you can
make a woman laugh (so long as she isn't laughing at your expense)
then you are delighting her, and she'll want to see you again.
However, as most men know, women often find different things
funny than men do. It's easy to misuse humor with women, and to
frighten and offend them instead. With that in mind, here's a list of
do's and don'ts for flirting with humor.

Don'ts

Don't joke with a woman as roughly as you would with a guy,
and don't make jokes about her appearance. This is very important.


146 / Chapter Five

When a guy drops something, for instance, it's a funny, bonding joke

to say "way to drop that, bozo!" Among men this is great humor,

occasions for "high-fives" all around. Such jokes are how we men

play together. When a woman drops something, you must be much

more gentle on her. It's best to not make fun of her mistakes at all,

or she will be offended.

It's also better to not make jokes about her appearance, unless

you are sure that the joke can be taken only in a positive way.

Women are taught to be paranoid about their looks; if a woman can

misinterpret a remark about her appearance, she will. When Robert

told Greta "Wow, you've got such a nice, big butt. I like big women,"

he really sincerely meant it. Greta took offense, and so will every

other woman in Western civilization.

Don't joke about violence unless you are absolutely sure she'll
like it. And she probably won't. Once again, play among men and
play among women is different. Among men, jokes about violence
are funny: You might ask a man for some information only to have
him reply, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." To guys, this is
funny. To women, it's scary. There's a big difference. Kenny met
Rachel at a day-long personal growth seminar. Afterwards they took
his car to a nearby bar. Along the way, Kenny made his error.
Thinking he was joking, he said "Oh, what the heck. I think I'll just
take you out to the woods and kill ya." Rachel became upset, and
only the fact that they were just then pulling into the bar kept her
from freaking out entirely. "The thing is," he told us later, "I had
used that line on a girl I met at a punk-rock concert a few weeks
before, and she thought it was hilarious!" Most of the time, women
hear jokes about violence as threats of violence. They aren't flirty,
and you shouldn't make them.

Don't use physical humor with women. Guys play with each
other using physical humor. They play-punch each other, give each
other noogies, and generally get rowdy together. They make physical
jokes about pissing, farting, and feces. Men find this great fun, but it
doesn't work on women. Just don't do it. These jokes will offend her.
You have to decide which is more important: joking, or seducing.

Don't make yourself the butt on any jokes. This is very important.
Remember what we've said: when a woman is first meeting

Flirting Without Disaster I 147

you, she's deciding what position you will have in her life. Will you
be a lover? A friend? Someone she avoids? She's trying to figure out
what level of respect to give you, and one way she figures that out is
by watching how you treat yourself. If you make jokes at your own
expense, she knows that you aren't worth wasting time on.

Some men are so used to making fun of themselves to entertain
women that it's hard for them to stop. Jerry was always the class
clown, was a little overweight, and was used to making fun of his
heaviness as a way of entertaining women. "I learned that if I made
fun of myself, they'd laugh," he said. "But I noticed I never got any
sex. It was hard to give up being the butt of my jokes, but I did it, and
now I've got a girlfriend."

Do's

Do make "creative misinterpretations." When you approach a
woman, you've got to be alert and have your eyes open. Look for the
details in her appearance or in what she is doing that you can safely
make jokes about. You do this by putting a new spin on something
normal. When Bruce asks the bank teller "Do you get to keep a percentage
of all the money you take in each day?" he's creatively misinterpreting
something in her environment and using it to flirt.
When he asks if she gets to keep a percentage, he's being silly in a
way she can relate to. It gives them a joke to talk about and creates
a little separate world for them together.

Similarly, when Frank jokes to the girl at the health-food store
about being a Major in the Marines, he's taking something at hand
and creatively misinterpreting it, recasting it as something they can
joke and flirt about. Every time he sees her they return to this joke,
and she feels more comfortable with him each time.

You should try to make your misinterpretations complimentary
to her. For example, misinterpreting the woman collecting the
money as you leave a parking garage as "the parking goddess"
would be more effective than misinterpreting her as, say, a trash collector
who got lucky and got her current job. The first is a joke; the
second is an insult. Keep track of the difference.

Do smile and say "hi." Your expression is an important part
of your behavior. When you approach a woman to flirt, it's best to


148 / Chapter Five

Flirting Without Disaster / 149

be relaxed and to smile, make eye contact, and say "hi." Too many


rinciple on you, that to describe a feeling to someone makes themexperiencethat feeling.

men approach flirting in a non-playful manner. They are resentful


about having to do it, or are indulging a bad mood. The don't look
relaxed and they don't sound relaxed.
As we said in Chapter 3, you must overcome adolescent posture.
It may be necessary for you to get some bodywork or to take

some yoga classes if you habitually radiate tension. When you are
relaxed and approach a woman, she sees it on your face and in your
eyes,

Do ask them about things (hey know. Work related questions
are good, as are questions about personal appearance. As we'll discuss
later, one good line is "What's the story behind that..,?" If. for
instance, she is wearing an unusual necklace, you might say "What
a beautiful necklace you are wearing. What's the story behind it?"

Do ask questions. Along the same lines, it's a good idea to ask
questions. After all, you want to find out about her, and asking the
right questions can give you important information. It's not an interrogation,
so don't badger her with questions, but do make inquiries
about what she cares about. For example, if she's holding a flower,
ask her about it: "That rose you are holding is beautiful. Why did you
pick roses? How do roses make you feel?" Or you could ask "Why
do you think women love flowers?" Either way, you are engaging
her, through your questions, in a conversation that is about her likes,
her dislikes, and her feelings. That's the kind of conversation that
could become more romantic later on.

Do describe feelings for her. Your goal in flirting is to get her
to think romantic thoughts about you, and to want to act on those
thoughts. To do this, you must describe romantic feelings.

Have you ever been with someone who was describing something
disgusting? Perhaps a friend had been sick, and later described
to you, in intimate, loving detail, every step and every nuance of how
it felt to be about to throw up. Can you remember how you felt as
he described his sickness? Did you start to get sick, too?

Or have you ever wished someone would stop describing some
horrible event or accident, because you are starting to feel how it
must have felt? You probably have. These people have used a sim


friend describes getting ill, or you feel queasy when someone talks
about a disgusting accident.

To flirt successfully, you absolutely must take advantage of this
principle, only in reverse. You must describe the feelings you want
her to have—romance, attraction, arousal—in lush and lavish detail.
As you describe these feelings, she'll start to have them.

The principle is simple: when someone describes something to
you, you must imagine it to be able to understand what that person
is talking about. If I'm describing my new car to you, and tell you
that it's a mini-van, and it's blue, you can't help but imagine it. Even
if I tell you not to imagine something, you have to imagine it to know
what not to think about. If I tell you not to imagine a minivan, you
must think of one, so you know what thought to avoid.

The same thing happens when you describe a feeling to a
woman. Whether she wants to feel the feeling you are describing or
not, she must feel it to even know what you are talking about. The
extent to which she feels it is dependent on how well you describe
it. For instance, Sven is talking to the attractive young woman
behind the pastry counter. "I can imagine you must feel so great and
special behind the counter, goddess of the whole store, and people
come to worship you," he says to her. "Those great feelings of people
coming to see you must really make you feel wonderful." He's
playfully described feelings of specialness to her, and, if she is to
evaluate what he's talking about at all, she must go inside and feel
those feelings. While looking at Sven, she starts to connect his visits
to her store with feeling those special feelings. In time, this will lead
her to "naturally" feel attracted to him.

Poets are the get-laid kings of all time. Poetry is a wonderful
tool in teaching you how to make beautiful, and detailed, descriptions
on romantic things. After all, 99 percent of poetry is about love.
If you look at most romantic poetry you'll find it's made up of
descriptions of romantic, loving feelings, Romance novels, in much
the same way, are unending streams of descriptions of romantic feelings.
Learn to speak romantically by describing romantic feelings,
and you will be much more successful with women.


150 I Chapter Five

Do be confident that your joking is okay. One of the top flirt
ing mistakes men make is that they wait for the woman to be comfortable
with the flirting before they become comfortable with it. We
can't emphasize this enough: when a woman first meets you, she is
trying to decide if you are dangerous or not. If you are uncertain and
hesitant, you come across as though you, too, are afraid that you are
dangerous. You act as though you are scared of yourself, and she will
become scared, too. You must decide to have certainty that you are
not hurting her, are not a threat to her, and that your flirting is fun
and relaxed for you both.

Bob has this problem. He tries to flirt, but to him it is such a big
deal, and he's so afraid that he's going to scare his prospect away,
that he's a big ball of tension. When he talked to Natalie, the dental
receptionist where he goes to get his teeth cleaned, he was as frightened
as a cornered mouse. He has to work himself up to talking to
her, and his heart pounds. He keeps asking himself "What if she
doesn't like me?," and worries about potential rejection. "So, I guess
a lot of people get hurt here," he "jokes" with her, his jaw muscles
throbbing with tension. She just stares at him, wondering what kind
of a psycho he is. He notices her fear, and becomes more upset himself.
"Uh, i mean, that's a joke," he says weakly. "Oh, heck. When's
my appointment?" His fear, and his need for her to not be afraid of
him, makes him fail with the receptionist, as he does with all women.

Now let's look at how Bruce handles the same situation. When
he sees Natalie, he knows he desires her, and knows that she may or
may not be induced to desire him. He knows that she may not
respond to him, and doesn't care. Bruce has decided that his joking
is fine, and is certain that he is charming, even if she doesn't think so.
When he walks up to talk to her, he is smiling and relaxed, radiating
confidence rather than tension. "So, you are the guardian of this
ba-a-ad, evil place, eh?" he says to her in a laughing way. She looks
at him to decide if he's a threat, but he's so relaxed and seems so certain
that everything is fine that she decides to laugh in response. "Oh
yes, I'm the guardian, all right," she says. He continues in his confident,
joking manner, "How could I persuade you to put a spell on
me to keep me from harm here? In fact, I think I can feel you

putting a spell on me already. You are bewitching me, Natalie," he
says, reading her name off her name tag. She laughs at his joking.
"Now I feel like I can go in there, protected by the spell you have

Flirting Without Disaster / 151

under, I'll just say to the dentist, 'the beautiful and charming how
atalie put me under a protective spell.' How do you think that will work?"

"You can try it, she responds, laughing. But Id still take doyou think that

the novocaine." "Oh, I don't need painkiller after seeing you," he
comes back. "Have you ever had the feeling of meeting someone,

and it's like your heart can only feel good feelings, can feel no pain?

After meeting you, I'm sure I won't need anything else." She blush


es, "Well, thank you!"

Bruce made this interaction work because he was certain that
it would work. If he appeared uncertain, like Bob did, and waited for
Natalie to give him approval before he allowed himself to relax, he'd
have the same failure Bob had. Because he's not waiting for her to
feel good for him to feel good, he's able to create the good feelings
for them both.

Do be romantic with your humor. Just being a clown for her
isn't enough. You must also make it clear that you find her attractive.
In the above example, Bruce doesn't only make Natalie laugh;
he also uses their flirting to let her know that he finds her beautiful
and charming. He does this by slipping in the occasional compliment,
sideways. When he says, "I'll just say to the dentist, 'the beautiful
and charming Natalie put me under a protective spell,'" he's
telling her that she is beautiful and charming, and that he's thinking
of her as more than just a friend. By doing this, he makes her choose
what category to put him in, friend or potential lover. If she keeps
flirting with him after he says these romantic things about her, then
she's accepting the fact that he's a potential lover.

Only if she rejects his compliments will she be able to think of
him as just another lowly male friend. But, because she's having so
much fun flirting with him, she's unlikely to do that. By being
romantic with his humor, he puts himself on the inside track for
being her lover. When you look at how Bruce flirts with Natalie, you
can see how she would have a hard time thinking of him as "just a
friend," because of the romantic quality of his flirting. You, too, can
do this, if you show your romantic interest as you flirt.

Conclusion of do's and don'ts of humor

Men make two main errors when they flirt with women: either
they play (that is the essence of flirting, after all) with women the


752 / Chapter Five

way they would with men, or they don't play with women at all, and
seem stiff and nervous. If you follow the guidelines we've taught
you, you'll never make either of those mistakes again. You've
learned how flirting relies on humor and play, how men and women
play and joke differently, and how to play and joke so women think
of you romantically. You've learned to avoid joking with women as
roughly as you would with guys, to not joke about violence, to not
use physical humor with women, and to not make yourself the butt

of any jokes.
You've learned how to "creatively misinterpret" with women,
to engage in romantic "pretend" with them, and to ask them questions.
You've learned the importance of describing to a woman the
feelings you want her to have, and the importance of your certainty
that your joking and flirting are okay, even when she isn't.
Can you see how these skills can be useful in your interactions
with women, starting today? Of course, learning to flirt with women
will take time, and your first interactions may not be as wonderful as
you would like. No matter. All that matters is that you start talking
with women, joking with women, and playing with women. As you
practice, you'll get better at it. Now that you understand these basics
of flirting and humor, you are ready to learn how to flirt your way to
the date.

FLIRTING YOUR WAY TO THE DATE

With these basics in mind, we'll now take you, step by step,
from meeting a woman all the way through asking her put.. We'll
look at the specific problems of each step, and show you how to


overcome them.
The main problem you face is that women, like everybody else,
resist change, even change they would like. It is entirely possible that
dating you would be the best thing that has ever happened to the
women you desire. It's even possible that having sex with you would
be the best thing that ever happened to the women you desire (especially
after you've read Chapter 11, "Being the Man of Her Dreams
In Bed").
If you do what we teach you in this book, you may well provide
a woman with more romantic feelings, passion and happiness than

Flirting Without Disaster I 153

ny man ever has before. Even if you are only interested in a shortterm
sexual relationship, you still might easily provide her with a
fling she'll be grateful she had for the rest of her life.

In spite of the truth that you could well bring her nothing but
pleasure, she'll resist you because she resists change. You represent
the potential for pain, discomfort, and, at the very least, unfamiliarity.
You are a monkey wrench of disorder in her otherwise orderly
life. While you are dreaming of wonderful nights of hot sex with her,
she's imagining you leaving your dirty socks around, and messing up
her life the way other men have. So even in the best of times, when
you meet a woman you'll encounter resistance.

It's really no different than any other sales situation (which
seducing a woman fundamentally is). If you've ever been a salesman,
you know that people resist most products and services on
principle, even if the products and services you offer would improve
their lives. While you are thinking about selling them this great
product, they are wondering how badly you are going to rip them
off. It's exactly the same with women. Each of the steps below takes
you through the process of getting through her fear, and helping her
see the desire she has for you.

GETTING HER TRUST

Before you can flirt your way to the date, you must handle her
natural fear that you will hurt her. You must show her you are trustworthy.


From time to time, Bob has noticed that women seemed afraid
of him when he first talked to them. He's tried to handle this directly,
with horrible results. "I'm not dangerous, you know," he said once
to an attractive receptionist at an auto parts store, "I'm just a regular
guy. You really don't have to be afraid." She got pale and her eyes
got wide with terror. No doubt she was asking herself, "Why is this
guy telling me he's not dangerous? Why would he think to say that?
What's he gonna do to me?"

As we've said so many times, a woman's first concern is that
you are going to assault, rape, or kill her. Saying that you are not
dangerous only makes her more frightened and suspicious. You
alleviate her fear over time— either over the course of the flirting


154 I Chapter Five

interaction, or over the course of a number of flirting interactions.
As you are persistent in your flirting, and as you consistently cause
her to laugh and feel good, she'll naturally start to trust you, and to
know that you are safe. To overcome her fear that you are dangerous,
you must demonstrate certain qualities. If you don't, you will
never get past her fear. It's been sad for us to see so many wonderful
men striking out with women because they don't know how
to show that they aren't dangerous in a way women can understand.


THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES
YOU MUST DEMONSTRATE FOR A WOMAN
TO TRUST YOU AND FEEL SAFE


Build trust by respecting her. Bob thinks he's being respectful
when he tells a woman that he's not dangerous. Actually, he's just
being scary. Bob's mistake is that he doesn't understand that actions,
as the old saying goes, speak louder than words. Have you ever
known someone who said they were one way, but actually were
another? Of course you have. Perhaps it's been someone who has
talked about the importance of being on time, yet who chronically
showed up late. His words didn't match his actions, and you probably
found yourself suspicious of all his talk about being on time. It's
exactly the same with not being dangerous. Talking about it only
makes it worse; you must demonstrate it. And the first way to
demonstrate it is by being respectful.

Respecting her is not the same as groveling before her, or treating
her as if she's better than you, or superior to you. That's not
respecting, that's fawning and toadying, and no woman wants to be
around it.

Most important, you must respect her when she says "no." A
woman likes to move at a certain pace during a seduction. She feels
safe knowing that she is in control of the speed. You'll get to know
this pace by her use of the word "no." You must back off when she
says "no." When you do this, she will feel respected.

When you are first flirting with a woman, you may say something
that offends her. She'll look unhappy, or a little irritated, and

Flirting Without Disaster I 155

you'll notice the flow of the flirting interaction slow down or even
stop. You must respect this, notice it, and work with it.

Build trust by not being desperate. Nothing makes a woman feel
used faster than a man who seems needy for female companionship,
lonely, or desperate for sex. Women immediately and correctly
decide that the guy isn't really interested in them; they decide that
he's only interested in sex. While you might think it would be great
if a woman was only interested in you for sex, take it from us when
we tell you that even women who are only interested in you for sex
will be put off if you are desperate and obvious.

Desperation shows up most often in three situations:

1. When you are only pursuing one woman. As we discussed in
Chapter 2, when you are only pursuing one woman, and have all
your bets hedged on one horse, you are likely to get desperate. You
have no backup plan, so things must work with the woman you are
with. This "it must work" pressure destroys your ability to act freely.
You won't be able to say, "It doesn't matter how it goes with this
woman; there are lots of others to choose from." You'll get tense,
and she'll feel it and get tense, too. Then you'll get more tense,
because, after all, this woman is your only chance. Once you have
that thought, it's all over. Unless you can remind yourself forcefully
that there are lots of women available to you, you are likely to continue
looking desperate.
The solution, of course, is to always be "working on" a number
of women, as we discussed in Chapter 2. Having a number of potential
lovers "in progress" will keep desperation far away.

2. When you are overly terrified of rejection. When you feel this
way, you also become desperate. By this time, we hope we've
impressed upon you the importance of overcoming rejection, fear,
and that you are committing yourself to taking on the anti-fear practices
we described in Chapter 2.
3. When your life is otherwise lonely and meaningless. If you
are lonely, and your life seems meaningless, you also appear desperate
to women. You must have something you are into, that gives
your life meaning, above and beyond a relationship and sex with
some woman. If you are trying to get meaning for your life out of
your interactions with women, they will always notice it, and not
want to be with you. Men too, won't respect you.

156 / Chapter Five

You may have noticed that women like successful men. It is

true that they are attracted to the money, but that's not the whole

story. They are also attracted to men who are passionate about their

lives, and have fire and drive. Some of these men have money, but

some don't. Money is less important than being a dynamic man,

tackling his life head-on.

We've all seen garage-band rock guitarists who get sex easily,

even though they never play anywhere but in local bars. Their pas


sion for something in their lives makes both these kinds of men, the

businessmen and the guitarists, more attractive to women.

We're not going to walk you through an entire life-overhaul

here, but you'll find that the principles of being successful with

women are the same as the principles for life-success. You'll notice

that the Seven Habits of Highly Successful Seducers are also habits

that will serve you in your life outside of your relationships.

It makes sense to act with an outcome in mind, not just with

women, but in every area. It makes sense to see life like a numbers

game, to not take the events of life personally, and to pursue more

than one project at a time. It makes sense to be willing to walk away

from work or business situations that aren't paying off, just as it

makes sense to be willing to walk with women. And it makes sense

to make life work for you, just as it makes sense to make dating

work for you.
Keeping these dating principles in mind as you design your life
will help you live with passion and success. You'll also be able to use
the principles of planning and follow-through, which we will use in
upcoming chapters, in creating a life you are passionate about. When
you are passionate about your life, and care about something other
than sex, you won't be desperate.
Men also become desperate when they are lonely. This especially
happens to men who have many female friends, and few male
friends. If you don't have buddies who you can kick back and really
relax with, you should get some. Having male friends makes interactions
with women less important sources of love and validation. It
will be much easier for a woman to trust you and be relaxed once
she knows that you are not desperate for her attention.
If you have any of these problems, you are in danger of becoming
desperate with women.

Flirting Without Disaster I 157

* Build trust by being patient with her. Being patient with a
woman is an important way of showing her that you are not dangerous,
and worthy of her trust. It's easy, however, to confuse
patient" with "stupid." We don't mean to say that you should let a
woman walk all over you, or jerk you around. We are saying that a
flirting interaction that can lead to dating and sex requires patience.

You must also be patient in the flirting interaction over time.
You must be willing to go see her again and again, and have multiple
flirting interactions, before you go out with her. Jim used to think
that in one interaction, he could build her trust, interest, and attraction,
and ask her out on a date that would end in sex. Although this
is certainly not impossible, most women won't be seduced that fast.
You must be willing to be patient, and to take the time to have multiple
flirting interactions, before you finally go out with her.

Patiently visiting her at her work place or gym also builds her
trust in you, because she is seeing you again and again. Flirting with
you becomes a normal part of her safe, cozy day-to-day life.
Knowing people in common also helps build trust, as long as the
people you know in common are not other women who you've
"loved and left." If she knows a friend of yours, or if you were introduced
by a mutual friend, you have an implicit recommendation
from that friend; this too helps her trust you.

You can also build her trust in you by giving her your card. She
won't call you, so don't count on that. It can be used as a simple way
of showing her that you are willing to not keep your address and
identity a secret. It's part of the patient process of getting her trust.

Build trust by avoiding unnecessary conflicts. It's also important
that you moderate what you talk about, if you want a woman to trust
you. Remember your outcome: you want this woman to desire you,
To this end, it's important that you avoid unnecessary conflicts while
you are flirting with her. Who cares if she spouts some opinion that
pisses you off?

Remember what you are after: romance and sex. When Kurt
first went out with Sally, he was doing everything properly...until
she started talking about feminism. "Women always get the short
end of the stick in this society," she said. "Men have everything, and
don't even know it." Kurt, who was involved in the men's movement,
got angry at her when she said this. He quoted the statistics


158 / Chapter Five

about how men really are abused by their wives, how more men die
in wars than women do, how men get raped in jail, and about the
damage done to men by infant circumcision. Arguably, he was right

about everything he said, but it didn't matter.

Sally finally interrupted him: "Hey, you're talking really loud
now, and it's really scaring me. I don't like this about you," Kurt
wrecked a perfectly good seduction by getting drawn into a fight
about men's and women's issues, when he should have been roman


tic. He never did get into her pants.
You have to decide what's most important to you: arguing with
a woman, or having sex. If men's behavior is any indication, the average
man is more interested in fighting. He gets into fights about why
sports are important to men, or gets drawn into fights about men's
and women's issues. You must be different. The correct way to handle
a woman's invitation to fight is to let her know that you heard
her, and to introduce a different topic of conversation. When Sally
spouted her opinion about men and women, Kurt should have taken
it in stride. He should have said, "Really? That's interesting. Do you
remember how it felt the first time you thought you were in love?"

By not arguing with her, and changing the subject, he would have
avoided losing Sally's trust, and the seduction would have continued.
Some women want to fight, and will do almost anything to provoke
it. Women who are very "into" women's issues, and who love
to talk about how much men have hurt women, will want combat
with you. If you find you are continually avoiding conflict with her,

you don't want her anyway. Get rid of her and move on.

Build trust by showing her you're not weird. Have you ever
known a man who was odd, or out of the ordinary, who was successful
with women? You probably have. It may be someone you know
who is tattooed all over, with green hair, and multi-pierced. It may
be someone you know who is very tough looking, decked out with

black hair and a leather jacket. It may be someone with some other
eccentricity. You notice these men seem to have made their eccentricities
work for them. They are comfortable with themselves, tattoos,
piercings, green hair, odd tastes and all, and they have no diffi


culty getting women.
You may also have known a man who was odd, or out of the
ordinary, who felt self-conscious and ashamed about it. He may have

Flirting Without Disaster I 159

had unusual tastes in music or dress, not different from the men who
are "odd" and still have success with women. You notice that these
men seem to be uncomfortable with their eccentricities, and they
have trouble getting women.

A man who is "weird" in some way, who is comfortable with it,
is an inspiration to women. She sees that he is unashamed of his passions,
and sees him as a man who is willing to express himself fully.
These are arousing qualities to women, who find such men "cute" or
"artistic." They trust such men, because such men trust themselves.

A man who isn't comfortable with his eccentricities, on the
other hand, is frightening to women. Because he seems to think
there is something wrong with him, women will think so, too. His
shame about his passions make women see him as "weird" and
untrustworthy. They don't trust him, because he doesn't trust him


self.

The solution is to look at any "odd" behavior or mode of dress,
decide if you want to keep it, and, if you do, to integrate it proudly
into your style. You make this decision by asking yourself, "What
message does this send about me?" When Luther wanted to decide
if he should keep his pony tail and goatee, he asked that question. He
not only asked himself, but also his friends and family. Luther found
that many folks found his ponytail to look immature. It sent the message
that he was a boy in a man's body, someone unwilling to grow
up. After thinking about this feedback, Luther agreed. He cut off his
ponytail, shaved his goatee, and found he was happier and people
began to interact with him differently. Women suddenly seemed to
feel more comfortable around him.

Clarence had a different experience. Even though he lived in a
large eastern city, he was always more comfortable in cowboy gear.
He constantly wore a cowboy hat, shirt, and cowboy boots—eccentric
in the area in which he lived. When he asked his friends what
message they thought his hat and boots sent to people, they were all
positive. "It just seems like 'Clarence,' to me," one said. "It really
seems like you've found your style." Clarence agreed, and kept his
cowboy gear. He even accentuated it with a new, flamboyant hat,
that he wore proudly. Women were comfortable, because, through
his style, he was expressing who he really was. They trusted him.
Luther, on the other hand, was expressing his fear of aging with his


160 I Chapter Five

style. When women saw that, it made him seem weird and untrustworthy.
Often a man appears this way to a woman because he is looking
for validation from her. We've been over this again and again:
get your validation someplace other than from women. Needing
women's validation creates problems in every area of seduction, if a
woman needs to take care of your feelings, and you are using her to
make you feel good, she's not going to be interested in you as a love.
Many men accidentally come across to women as "weird" by
worrying about their eccentricities. They look to women to validate
their oddness, and end up seeming weird and scaring women off.
Build trust by leaving her happy. All these practices will make
you more trustworthy to a woman. If you respect her, are not desperate,
are patient with her, don't fight with her, and show her you

are not weird, she'll have every reason to feel trust in you. If you
leave her happy, she'll not only trust you; she won't be able to wait
for you to return.

THE THREE STEPS
OF A FLIRTING INTERACTION


Step 1, First meeting her

When Bob first met Brenda at a party, he was terrified. Brenda,
a 26-year-old copywriter for an advertising firm, had straight blonde
hair, a toned, supple body, a beautiful face, and intelligent eyesthough
the first thing he noticed was her ample bust line, truth be
told, "I knew I had to make a good impression," he later told his
friend, Scott, "So I made sure that I didn't do anything that would
scare her off." Bob was so scared that she wouldn't like him, or that
she would be offended by him, that he was unable to interact with

her normally.
He adopted his usual, unsuccessful approach to attractive
women: trying to appear harmless. "What do you do?" he asked
Brenda. When she told him, Bob initiated a conversation about
work, overtime, and different kinds of computer systems that businesses
use. She found him harmless, and mildly interesting, but when

Flirting Without Disaster / 161

he finally got the nerve up to shakily ask her for her phone number,
Brenda said, "I like you and everything, but I have to tell you you're
not really my type." He was aware that she was initially afraid that
he was dangerous, and he had handled that danger. She certainly
wasn't afraid of him now. So what went wrong?

It is true, as we've said, that a woman's first concern upon meeting
you is that you will hurt her in some way, and that you must handle.
This doesn't mean, however, that you should allow her fear to
sanitize you, and make you tepid, as Bob does. You must allay her
fears, and, if you want to ever have sex with her, you must also let
her know about your romantic interest right away.

As we've mentioned before, women decide about men immediately.
She determines whether you are a potential lover or a lowly
friend in the first few minutes of knowing you. It is important that
you take advantage of this fact by presenting yourself as a romantic
interest immediately. If you don't do this, making her feel safe only
leaves her wanting you to be a friend, while she seeks romantic
excitement with other men.

Lines to Use When Approaching Her for the First Time.

Students often ask us for lines to use when approaching women, or
when asking for the date. They seem to think that there is some
magic formula that works with every woman, and if only they can
figure out what it is, they'll be successful in asking out women.

The truth is, there is no "right" way to ask a woman out, and no

"perfect" opening line. This should make you happy, because that

means that whatever you feel like saying—something simple and

honest, perhaps—may well be the perfect thing.

Some men favor joke lines. They'll go up to an attractive

woman and say, "Wow, did heaven lose an angel? 'Cause I'm seeing

one right here!" Our interviews with more than 300 women indicate

that they don't like these lines. You might as welt say "Wow, did

heaven lose a couple of angels? 'Cause I can see them bouncing

around inside your blouse," which we also don't recommend. We

also don't recommend "If I told you had a beautiful body, would you

hold it against me?" All these hokey, adolescent lines tell a woman

is that you aren't really a grown-up man. Give them up.


162 / Chapter Five

Step 2. She starts to think of you as romantic material

If you've done everything properly in Step One, the woman

you are interested in will trust you. She will then start thinking of

you as romantic material. You've made your interest known, gotten

her feeling safe with you, and left her happy every time you've inter


acted with her. You've flirted with her using humor, as we outlined

earlier in this chapter. You haven't gotten into a stupid fight with

her, or scared her in any other way. She's enjoying your company,

and knows you are interested romantically. You are thinking you're

home free. She's starting to think, "This guy is cool. Why shouldn't I

go out with him? Why not?" What could possibly go wrong?

Now that you've overcome her early fears it's time for her to

give you the next problem in your -seduction. As she becomes

attracted, she starts to answer that question, "Why not?"

Remember, women are like everyone else—they try to avoid

change, even change they would like. As we said before, while you

are fantasizing about nights of great sex, she is dreading having to

sleep on the wet spot. In order to preserve her orderly life, she starts

coming up with reasons to disqualify you. Your next challenge is to

overcome these reasons, to continue to give her good feelings, and

to move the seduction forward.

So what kind of answers will she have to the question, "Why

not?" She'll tell herself—and you—that you are not her type, that

she doesn't want to spoil the friendship (more on this later), or that

she's still getting over some other guy. Like anyone contemplating

trying something new and potentially risky, she thinks up any and

every reason to not go out with you. You just have to handle it.

"Why not" problems are usually general, rather than specific in
nature. She's not saying "no" because she doesn't like you, or doesn't
like something you did; "why not" problems seem to be free-flowing,
general problems with whole classes of relationships. "I don't date
men shorter than me" is a "why not" problem. So is "you're not my
type," as is "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Other "why
not" problems are "I don't have the time," "I don't have a car," and
anything along the lines of "I have to wash my hair."

"Why not" problems are different from the problems you have
when she simply doesn't like you. If she says to you, "Hey, I don't

Flirting Without Disaster / 163

ever want to talk to you again. I'll never go out with you, and I want

u to leave me alone," she doesn't like you. Leave her alone, and
move on to women who like you. But if she says something more
vague, thrown out as an almost offhand problem, a problem more

with the idea of relationships themselves than with you specifically,
then you must gently persist with her.

Many of our students are older men who want to date younger
women. Predictably, at some point early on, the young woman tells
the man that he's disqualified because of his age. This happened to
Marvin. At 38 years old, he returned to the university part-time to
finish up his undergraduate degree. Suddenly he found himself surrounded
by unbelievably hot, stripper-quality 19- and 20-year-olds.
He went to work on them immediately, but found them to be very
frightened and untrusting. "That first step just takes forever with
these girls," he told us, "but I found that if I hung in there, eventually
they started to trust me."

The first woman he dated from school, a 22-year-old senior
named Jennifer, only went out with him after seeing him in class and
talking to him over and over and over. "We were a third of the way
into the semester, when I finally decided that she trusted me enough
to go out for coffee. I asked her, and she said, 'Well, okay, but there's
something I have to tell you, I've thought about it, and I can justify
dating a man up to 28 years old, but not a man as old as you are.'" A
man who hadn't been taught by us might have given up at that
moment, or stupidly begun a fight with her about what she meant by
"justify." Marvin knew she was probably just answering the question,
"Why Not?" and set up the time and location for the coffee
date.

"I knew she might really mean it," he told us, "but that's the
breaks of the game. If I tried to kiss her later, and she said 'no.' then
I'd know she meant it, and didn't like me. But I figured it was a 'why
not' situation, told her I understood, and went on with the date."
Three dates later, using the techniques from this book, he had sex
with her, which she later told him was "the best experience of my
life." Marvin knew that by being persistent, being willing to accept
her "no," and staying with it, he could get past her "why not's."

Your persistence in making her feel good is the key to getting
past her "why not's." Eventually she'll see how wonderful you are,


164 / Chapter Five

and want to continue with you. Or she'll decide you are basically an
obnoxious jerk, and tell you to get lost. Either way, you are on your
way to sex, either with her, or with a woman who does want you.

Step 3. You ask her out, she says yes

There are three different kinds of situations in which you meet
women. How quickly you ask them out has to do with which of the

situations you are in.

First, there is the emergency situation. You see a woman you
are attracted to, and you must ask her out right now, because she's
about to leave, and you'll probably never see her again. Have you
ever seen those personals ads in the "one-to-one" column where
some sad guy is describing some woman he saw, pathetically begging
her to call him? "I saw you from across the room, but was too scared
to approach you," he might write. "You were tall, blonde, built, and

talking to a buff weightlifter. I was the guy cowering over in the corner,
pretending to make conversation with the potted plant. Please

call me!" Not very likely.

If you don't want to be that sniveling guy, you've got to talk to
the woman you may never see again. This can be as simple as
approaching a woman at a gas station, for instance, and saying, 'Hi,
I saw you here, and I just couldn't let you walk out of my life without
saying 'hi.' I don't usually do this, but I wonder if I could give

you a call sometime?" She may well say no, but she also might say
yes. you are especially scared, you can give her your card, though
the likelihood of her calling you is vanishingly small. You certainly
have a better chance of dating her if you ask than if you don't ask.
After all, if you don't ask, your chance is exactly zero.


The second situation gives you a bit more time. You perhaps
have a few hours, or a full day, to work on her. This might be at a
party, or at a full-day class, for instance. You can have numerous
interactions with her, then, before you both leave, say "You know,
you seem cool. What would it be like if we went out sometimes?" and

set it up from there sometime?,

In the third situation, you work the flirting over a period of
time. This is the woman you see reliably: the women who work out
the same time you do, the clerks at the coffee shop you frequent, the

Flirting Without Disaster ( 165

waitress at your favorite restaurant. This is the lowest stress situation,
because you can work on the woman over a long period of
time. You can give her all the time she needs to get used to you, to
feel safe, and to imagine you romantically as part of her life. Then,

• your leisure, when the time is right, you can ask her out.
It's important that you figure out which situation you are in
with any woman you are attracted to. It does you no good to be full
of flirting and seduction skills if the woman of your dreams walks
out of your life while you do nothing to stop her. When you figure
out which class a woman is in, you can plan the urgency and velocity
of your flirting accordingly.

USING THE PHONE TO ASK HER OUT

One of the most common mistakes men make is to think that a
woman is not interested when she fails to return phone calls. As a
result, guys will stop calling, whine about women's lack of responsiveness,
and—worst of all—give up. We know this is not intuitively
obvious, but the fact of the matter is that women call when they feel
like it. They don't act rationally. Remember, a woman is not here to
make your life easy. You will be happier if you stop expecting them
to simplify things and call you back, ever.

The secrets of using the phone to ask women out:

* After the second message, hang up if you get her answering
machine, and only settle for reaching her in person. Otherwise
you start to sound desperate, and become, in her mind, "that
guy who's always calling me."
* Leave messages about specific times, dates, and places you
want to take her. Say, "I'd like to take you to the planetarium
next Wednesday night," not "uh, wanna go out?"
* Don't ramble when leaving messages; be decisive.
* Don't call just to "talk." You'll only create opportunities to do
something stupid and screw up your chances. Don't call unless
you have something seductive to say or a date to ask her out
on,
* Keep all phone calls short.

166 / Chapter Five

* Sound friendly when you leave messages. Smiling makes your
voice sound friendlier.
* Never call when you are upset with her.
If she doesn't call back, call her again and pretend your first

message never happened. Never ask why she didn't call back—it'll

call attention to the fact that you are a wimp whom she stood up on

the phone who has come back for more. Simply act like the first

message never happened.

While you do need to be patient and not expect her to call you

back, you don't want to be a doormat, either. You could try the

three-call rule: if after three calls she hasn't called back, move on.

We sometimes advise men to call her back after she has failed to

return the second call and warn her. Say something like, "I'd love to

see you again, but you've failed to call me back twice. 1 hate to do it,

but if you don't call me back again, I can't call you back again for a

long time." This gives her a message that you like her, but that you

aren't willing to sacrifice your self-respect to be with her.

WHAT IF YOU SCREW IT UP?

Your problems aren't over when you finally ask her out, and
she finally says yes. You are as capable of screwing it up as she is, if
not more so.

The time comes when she is primed. You have a strong connection
with her, either in one interaction, or through a series of
interactions. You've made your romantic interest clear by showing
your attraction to her. She's become used to the idea of thinking of
you as a potential romantic partner. You've flirted with her consistently
and successfully. She's happy every time she sees you, and you
leave her feeling good. It's time to ask her out.

This is where you'll foul it up if you aren't careful. Let's go over
the bonehead mistakes you are likely to make, and show you how to
avoid them:

You wait too long to ask her out

If you do this, you risk losing your "window of opportunity." If
your flirting is building a sense of attraction and connection in the

Flirting Without Disaster ( 167

an you are working on, you must take advantage of it before
her mood changes. It's hard to know exactly where this point is;
practice will teach it to you. If you wait too long, the woman will
decide that you must not be interested in her, and will start to think
of you as a friend. So you must make your move when the time is
right.
As you become more skilled at seducing women, you'll start to
find that there are, in fact, women whom you've started to seduce, in
whom you aren't interested. It may not seem possible to you now,
but once you start pursuing women using the tools in this book, you
really can have more women to date than you have time for. That's
not a pipe dream; both of the authors, and many of our students
have made this happen. When it happens to you, you'll find that one
way you show your lack of interest is by not asking women out in the
"window of opportunity." Until you get to this point, make sure you
ask women out once you've got her interest.

You don't have a plan for the date

When you ask a woman out, always have a specific idea of
where you want to go with her on the date. (We'll talk more about
this in the upcoming chapters.) Never ask a woman out without a
date plan in mind. This means that, in advance, you think about the
kind of dating experience you want to have, and think about where
you could go together, and what you can do. As you'll see later, there
are two kinds of dates, priming dates and seduction dates. When you
ask a woman out, you must know which kind you are asking for, and
what you will do.

If a woman accepts a date with you, and you don't have a plan
in mind, you are probably doomed. You'll end up saying "I dunno,
what do you want to do?," which is the worst thing you could possibly
say. It makes you look like a sloppy jerk who isn't creative and
relies on her for everything. Believe us, she won't find it attractive.

When you ask a woman out, you can say something like, "Hey,
you seem cool. How about we go out for coffee sometime?" When
she says yes, you then supply the details, and gently direct the conversation
toward getting everything worked out. "How about we go
to Joe's coffee shop sometime next week? I'm free on Tuesday, after
work, say around five-thirty. Would that work for you?" You don't


168 Chapter Five

make her supply any of the details, and you make sure the plans are
clear.

You are indecisive

One easy way to make yourself into a more powerful, attractive
man, is to practice making decisions quickly and with a minimum
of fuss. The more easily you make decisions the more successful
you'll be in every area of your life, including with women.

You don't want to be bossy, but you should present a clear invitation.
If she wants to change it, be flexible, but decide quickly and
easily on the details. Setting up the date is an important interaction,
in which she learns a lot about how you approach your life. She'll be
looking at you to see if you are weak and indecisive, or strong and
decisive. Do you expect me to make all the decisions and create the
plans, or do you come up with ideas? Remember, women are attracted
to men who are generative. This means you must come up with
the ideas, and get the details ironed out. If you are indecisive you'll
blow all the work you've already done,

You seem too available

Like everybody else, women like things that are rare, and hard
to get ahold of. If you ask a woman out and say, "Oh, anytime is good
for me," it makes you sound like an unemployed bum who has no
social life. Even if you are an unemployed bum with no social life,
it's important that you not sound like one. Have a couple of times
available, and be reluctant to reschedule other things to be with her.
Make sure the date is at a place and time that works for you, too,
since it's more than likely that she won't show up anyway. When
offering times, you may want to say something like "I can do it at
four o'clock Wednesday, but I only have about an hour." If you
sound busy, though not inaccessible, you'll be more interesting to
her.

If you manage to get through asking her out, and setting up the
date without screwing it up, congratulations! You have a date!

If you follow these flirting steps, you will be able to easily overcome
the problems that will arise during flirting, and you will get the
date. You won't be stopped by her fear of you, her "why not" prob-


Flirting Without Disaster / 169

lems, her specific problems with you, or by yourself. You'll move the
seduction forward and do much of the romantic groundwork that
will make sex with you seem natural to her later. You'll use flirting,
humor and creative role-playing to make her feel connected to you,
and happy to see you. You'll play with women in ways that make
them desire you, while still being strong, decisive and generative. Do
all this properly, and a successful date is almost assured.

Will there be more problems during and after the date? Of
course. But don't worry; we'll show you how to handle each and
every one of them.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TODAY TO IMPROVE YOUR
FLIRTING, NO MATTER HOW TIMID YOU ARE


Now let's give you some specific, useful information about precisely
how to flirt with women. What follows are exercises and activities
you can do that will build your "flirting muscles," and make you
ever more attractive to women.

MEETING WOMEN THROUGH PERSONALS ADS IN
NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES


Meeting women through personals ads in newspapers and
magazines is another good, low-risk way to practice your flirting
skills. Like the Internet, only slower, you can interact with women
safely and impersonally before meeting in person.

One of the advantages personals ads have over Internet flirting
(covered in Chapter 4) is that the women you interact with through
these ads are nearby, while on the Internet they can quite literally be
on the other side of the planet. Very much like in Newsgroup personals
ads, women are more likely to look at ads and respond than they
are to place one themselves, so don't be daunted by the fact that 99
percent of the postings are by men. Your focus must be on creating an
ad that gets women reading the listing to write or call. While most of
these women will probably be overweight or unattractive to you in
some other way, the responses you get are wonderful opportunities to
practice your flirting. But don't read personals intending to find a


170 Chapter Five

woman posting for you. You must do the work, you must post, and.
with skill and luck, the woman you want to flirt with will reply.
Let's talk about creating the ad you place. It should be short for

several reasons. First, because short ads are cheaper (and sometimes
even free). Many men have the idea that they'll be more successful
with women if they blow a lot of money. That's not true (except in
the case of buying this book, of course!). Make it work for you, and
create a short, powerful ad. Second, long ads put women off. If
you've ever read personals, you've probably seen an ad from a guy

who goes on and on for twenty or thirty lines. This looks weird, and
it is weird. You're not there to tell your life's story. All you want is to
inspire her to call or write.

A good ad has four parts. First you describe the feeling you
want her to feel. Second, you briefly describe yourself physically.
Third, you describe your emotional availability, and fourth, you
make an invitation. Let's look at these steps one at a time.

1. Describe the feeling you want her to feel
Because romance is all about feelings, you must describe one in
your ad. As we've said before, describing a feeling creates a feeling,
because when you describe a feeling, the listener must go inside and
feel it to be able to understand what you are talking about. Ask
yourself, what kind of feeling do you want the woman reading your
ad to feel? Attraction, intrigue, romance, lust, curiosity?

Your first sentence or two should remind her of those feelings,
and of how much she likes to feel them. It's good to ask a question,
like "Have you ever felt totally connected and utterly loved?" or
"Can romance last forever? I think it can!" One of our students.
Clevin, began one of his personals ads this way: "Isn't attraction
incredible? Imagine relaxing into strong arms holding you, feeling
safe and appreciated and intimate, knowing it's totally right." He
thought of a feeling that he wanted women to feel, and described it.

2. Briefly describe yourself physically
Clevin then followed his introduction with a few words about
himself. "I'm looking, too. SWM, 44, 5'9" tall, fit and attractive."

Flirting Without Disaster / 171

Describe yourself generously (if people have said you are attractive,

you can say it), but don't lie. If you aren't fit, don't say so, but also

remember—you don't have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to think

of yourself as fit. It's also okay to omit your less attractive qualities.

If you are very overweight, you don't have to mention weight at all.

Remember, your goal is to practice your flirting, and to get better at

it. If you focus on that, rather than on getting sex, you'll have more

fun, be more relaxed, and be more successful with women. You just

want women to respond, so you can interact with them.

3. Describe your emotional availability
This is an important step. Women complain that men aren't in
touch with their emotions, and are hard to have relationships with.
We've found that the phrase, "Am emotionally literate and willing to
take risks," works wonders in personals ads (especially if it is true),
and Clevin adds this to his ad. If you aren't emotionally literate (that
is, you can't tell anger from grief, and the last time you cried was
when you dropped a brick on your foot), you can still honestly say
"willing to take emotional risks." After all. you took an emotional
risk just by placing the ad.

4. Make an invitation
This is where you close the deal, and ask her to communicate
with you. Here you want to say something like "if this touches something
in you, call," or "if this stirs something in you, call." Emotional
talk will stir most women, no matter who it comes from. By asking
them to call if they are moved, you are drawing their attention to the
feelings they had reading your ad, and making those feelings mean
that they should call. Let's look at Clevin's complete ad. Note the
four parts.

Isn't attraction incredible? Imagine relaxing into strong arms

holding you, feeling safe and appreciated and intimate, know


ing it's totally right. I'm looking, too. SWM, 44, 5'9" tall, fit

and attractive. Am emotionally literate and willing to take

risks. If this speaks to you, please call Box 491.


772 / Chapter Five

If you follow this approach, you'll have women calling and
writing, with whom you can practice your flirting skills.

OTHER BASIC FLIRTING EXERCISES:
YOUR DAILY ROUTINE


Saying "hi"

Remember this exercise from Chapter 3? By simply saying "hi"
to six women a day, you'll be interacting with women, and improving
your flirting skills.

Winking and waving

Much of flirting is in how you move your face and body, rather
than what you say. One of our students tells us about being on a subway
in New York City. A gorgeous black woman got on the train,
and sat across from him, a few seats up. "I wished I had the nerve to
go sit next to her and talk to her," he told us, "but I didn't, so I used
the 'wink and wave/ I winked at her, smiled and waved when I
caught her eye. She smiled back and, to my amazement, she came
over and sat down next to me!"They ended up kissing on that same
train ride, and later having sex at her apartment, simply because he
was willing to do some simple flirting, the "wink and wave."

Stopping while it's still fun

Men who are shy and learning how to flirt frequently stay at
parties or flirt with women for too long. When you are learning to
flirt, it's wise to stop while it's still fun.

One of our students, Michael, had this problem. He was shy, but
was committed to getting over it, so when he flirted with a woman,
he'd make himself stay around her until she basically asked him to
leave, "I'd start out pumped up, but as the interaction dragged on
and on, I'd feel more and more uncomfortable and humiliated. I
didn't know it was okay to leave while 1 was still having fun with her.
I guess I thought that as long as it was going well, I should stay."
After learning this, he was able to flirt with more women more successfully,
and to have a lot more fun doing it.

Flirting Without Disaster I 173

The "good-bye"compliment

The "good-bye" compliment works well when leaving while it's

still fun. If you are at a party, bar, or other social engagement, the

"good-bye" compliment allows you to do some more aggressive

flirting, even if you are very timid.

The "good-bye" compliment makes use of the fact that most
any man can generate enough confidence to say one flirty thing to
a woman. The problem, for some men, conies right after he says
something flirty. What should he do then? What if she doesn't like
it? What if she gets mad, or looks at him like he's something she
scraped off her shoe? How to handle the tension? What to do next?

When you use the "good-bye" compliment, all those problems
are solved. When you are ready to leave the bar, party, or whatever
social engagement you are at (while you are still having fun, preferably),
yon simply approach the woman you've been too scared to
approach, compliment her, and leave immediately.

These compliments can be simple, such as "I've gotta go, but
before I do I just wanted to tell you that you look great, and have a
wonderful sense of style." They can also be more aggressive, such as
"Wow, you look great. I just wanted you to know that, if I didn't have
to leave, I'd stay here and try to seduce you." After the "good-bye"
compliment, you leave. It gets you flirting confidently, but with much
less stress.

Ask "what's the story behind that?"

Bruce was served at his favorite coffee shop. Sandy, the girl
who was getting him his coffee was a cute redhead in her early 20s,
probably a coed at the local college. He noticed that she was wearing
an unusual necklace; it looked old, and like it might have been
from India. "Wow, that's a wonderful necklace," he told her. "What's
the story behind that?"

This opened the conversational floodgates. She launched into a
three-minute account of how she went to India and got the necklace
there in one of the most meaningful experiences of her life. She was
open and sharing and he learned a lot about what made her feel good.

For those few minutes she was back in India, having that peak
experience again as she told him about it. By the end of her account,


174 I Chapter Five

and their conversation about it, she was feeling very close to Bruce.
He ended by saying to her, "Wow, you seem like a fascinating
woman. I'd love to hear more about this sometime, and get to know
you better. Can I call you?" She said yes; after all, if he was good
enough to tell one of her most intimate experiences to, then he must
be good enough to go out with, right?

"What's the story behind that?" is an immensely powerful flirting
question. It gets most women to open up immediately, and tell
you intimate details about themselves. After they've told you these
details, it's harder for them to think of you as a jerk—after all, if you
were a jerk, why would they open up so much to you?

When you are talking to a woman, be it a salesgirl behind a
counter or a woman at a party, notice if she is wearing anything that
looks unusual or personal. It might be a pin, a necklace, a piece of
clothing, or a bracelet. Notice it, and ask her "what's the story
behind that?" It's a powerful conversation-starter.

You've read a lot in this chapter about the specifics of flirting
with women. You've read examples, general principles, and do's and
don'ts. You've learned things you can do to start flirting more, today,
and hopefully have become inspired about what's possible for your
sex life if you start using these tools. We want you to use them, and
be successful with women, but our experience shows that one question
holds men back from actually using this flirting material: "What
do I do if I 'blow it' with a woman?"

Men mean different things by "blowing it," but their fears have
some general qualities in common. They are often afraid that they'll
become flustered and not know what to say. They are afraid that the
woman will just stare at them, terrified, like a deer in oncoming
headlights. They are afraid that instead of seeming funny, they'll
seem offensive.

Well, first the bad news. If you really are practicing, all this will
almost certainly happen to you. Women will respond to your witty
openings with stunned silence. Sometimes you'll get flustered.
Sometimes women will seem scared of you. It's all part of learning
to flirt, and it even happens to master seducers. There's just no way
around it.

Look, you have a choice, both with women, and in life. You can
choose to not try anything until you are absolutely sure things will


Flirting Without Disaster / 175

exactly the way you want them to, or you can throw yourself into
life, and trust that it'll come out okay. If you wait to flirt with women
until you think you can do it "good enough," you will never flirt, and
never be a success with women. And, incidentally, if you take this
approach to life, and never try anything you aren't sure is going to
work, then you'll never be a success in life. You'll be trapped in only
doing what you've done before, again and again. That kind of behavior
will never take you where you want to go, in any area of your life.

And now, the good news. If you practice, you will succeed. Sure,
there will be the occasional problem. But if you hang in there, you
will get women.

It makes sense to think about your persona] definition of success.
We suggest that you define a successful interaction with a
woman as an interaction in which you learn something about seduction.
If you learned something, the interaction was successful. If you
failed to learn something, then you failed, and you can make the
interaction a success by figuring out what you learned. If you make
this your personal definition of success, no matter what you do, you
won't have really "blown it," and you can feelgood about yourself.



chapter six...
A Crash Course
in Romance


How to Sweep
Her Off Her Feet
and Into Your Bed


On a beautiful spring afternoon, Simon picked up his girlfriend
Molly from her job. Earlier that day he had called her and had suggested
they go on a secret outing. "Expect the unexpected," he said.
"Only pack a light jacket and bring boots that can get muddied.
Leave the rest up to me." Throughout the day Molly looked forward
to seeing him, excited about the secret adventure ahead. She even
told a few of her friends, "I don't know what to expect. Simon is so
unpredictable, not like other guys. He always keeps things so exciting."


As she walked toward his car, Simon got out, hugged her,
kissed her lips lightly, and whispered, "You look more beautiful than
ever. I've been looking forward to seeing you all day." He then
opened the car door. Fresh flowers, a card, and a few Hershey's kisses
were waiting for her. As they began driving towards country highways
near the outskirts of town, Simon popped in a tape of her
favorite music.

After driving for nearly an hour down deserted highways, they
arrived at a remote nature preserve known for its view from high
rock ridges. It was a beautiful spot that would inspire anyone to feel
happy, excited, and joyous.



178 I Chapter Six

Simon knew that Molly loved nature and wasn't allergic to

grasses or pollens. These details are essential when planning the per


fect romantic date. (If she was allergic to something in nature Simon

would have planned the date totally differently.) This outing was

custom designed to melt Molly's heart.

Simon had meticulously planned this event. Every detail was

thought of ahead of time. Having all the details handled and planned

ahead of time made it easier for Simon to relax and have fun with

her. It was in his self-interest to plan.

As they walked together holding hands, Simon was very happy

with himself, basking in his successes. After an hour of hiking, Molly

wanted to take a break. They relaxed on a park bench overlooking

a ravine. Simon pulled the blanket around them and they begin kiss


ing. She thanked him for being such a wonderful boyfriend and for

going through all the work to have the date go well.

They finally reached the top of the hill, both a bit winded. The
view was breathtaking. Molly wrapped her arms around Simon's
neck and they kissed passionately, like hungry lovers. They ended up
on top of a huge flat rock with the blanket under them.

After they laid together on the rock for a while, the temperature
quickly dropped and they got dressed and pressed on. They
laughed together, imagining how crazy their friends would think
they were to be in various forms of undress, out in the woods. After
they got dressed and warmed up together with the blanket wrapped
around them, Simon pulled out another gift for Molly. It was a necklace
that fit her perfectly. She was thrilled at the gift.

In the near dark Simon took Molly down an alternative path,
one that was much quicker than the one they used to get up the hill.
Once again, Simon's planning paid off. They arrived at their car
quickly. Molly even commented that she was impressed with how
familiar he was with this park.

They soon left the park for the next adventure. Simon pulled
out a map and navigated them to an out-of-the-way eatery, an elegant,
cozy, and dimly lit restaurant. Simon had made reservations
ahead of time. They sat together, held hands, and drank wine while
sitting beside a huge window overlooking pine trees and woods.

During dinner Simon pulled out more small gifts. One was a
stuffed bear. It was something cute and cheap that he knew she'd

A Crash Course in Romance I 179

like. They had seen stuffed animals in a store window a few weeks
before and she had mentioned how much she liked this particular
one. The other gift was a book of poetry they looked at, and read
from at a bookstore months ago. Simon had kept the title in the back
of his mind, waiting for a perfect opportunity to buy it for her.
Covertly, he thought it would be great to read the poems to her
while they were in bed together.

After a slow-paced meal they left to go back home. Simon
drove straight to her place and she invited him in. Simon let her get
a head start towards her apartment so he could enter with more
secret gifts. A few minutes later, he entered with a few items in wrapping
paper. She tore the paper open like a kid on Christmas and discovered
sexy lingerie, a bottle of wine, and massage oil, all the fixings
for a romantic night alone. Molly unwrapped the gifts and
pulled Simon into her bedroom. They proceeded to make love all
night long.

LIGHTING THE FIRES
OF ROMANCE


Romance is the focus of this chapter. If you want success with
women, you must be skilled in romance. You must understand how
to create romantic situations and feelings in women. All women
love romance and the attention focused on them. While all women
are not looking for the exact same thing and desires vary greatly,
all women do want the feelings that come from being romanced.
Commonalties, however, do exist. And there are ways to think
about situations and interactions that will produce romantic interactions
and feelings in the woman. You will learn these in this
chapter.

If you want a short-term relationship, romance is a large part of
it. You have to sweep a woman off her feet if you want to get her
into your bed. She must be taken by the experiences you provide for
her if you expect her to want to have sex with you. Romance is the
key to melting her heart and having her want to have you. In a longterm
relationship, romance is what holds it all together over time.
Romance is what will have the intimacy and sex last over years and



180 I Chapter Six

years together. Romance is what will make the relationship stay

"fresh" and fun.

It's a man's job is to bring the romance to relationships with

women. If you want a steady supply of sex with a woman, romance

is your meal ticket. It is worth making the effort to study this topic

and become a romantic master.

We make a distinction between sex symbols and romance mas


ters, Guys like James Dean were sex symbols because of their looks

and attitudes on screen, but they had little skill in being romantic.

JFK was able to sleep with many women because of his power and

status, not his active skill in seduction. Someone like Casanova, how


ever, was able to "be" romantic and embody classic romantic moves.

Romance masters like Casanova and Don Juan got the way they

were by being generative. They were generous with women and

were able to give them exactly what they most want.

In the above seduction, Simon acted masterfully with Molly. He

not only swept her off her feet, but created a lasting bond between

them that would work to his advantage for a long time to come. He

created a memorable experience tailored to her. Molly could later look

back on their magical afternoon together as she would a vacation to

Florida or a cruise. The best part is that Simon didn't have to spend lots

of money or travel very far to achieve these results. And this isn't only

applicable in long-term relationships, like Simon and Molly's. A rela


tionship at any stage will be accelerated and sexualized by romance.

For women, romance is an individual, highly personal, intimate,
and loving experience. There is a certain "other worldly" quality
about romance for women. Because girls often learn to value
romance at an early age, they are well-prepared to respond well to
your romantic offerings. Books and even cartoons aimed at kids present
situations in which women are swept off their feet, saved by
daring and brave men, or rescued from castle towers. Women are
socialized to expect and desire men to romance them. Men, on the
other hand, often try to fight this fact. We, however, have accepted it
and used it to improve our relationships with women and to increase
our successes. YOU can fight all you want, but if you want success, you
will learn to be consistently romantic.

When Simon took Molly to the bluff and brought out a surprise
necklace, Molly felt romanced. When she first entered his car, she

A Crash Course in Romance / 181

could see from the card, candy, and flowers that she was being
romanced. The combination of having all the details handled, Simon
taking care of her, his generosity and planning, and the excitement
of it all, created a feeling inside Molly that was magical and mysterions.